Members telecom69 Posted November 25, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2005 Ok, my girlfriend has finally accepted to see a sex therapist about her sexual issues. Issues like can't orgasm and won't masturbate to find out how, doesn't talk during sex, the way she was raised, etc. I gave her a "loving" ultimatum that I can't continue on like this (I have for ten months) and if she loves me as much as she does, she will allow me to get her some help. My question is this? How do you go about finding a reputable sex therapist? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bigdaddy Posted November 25, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2005 Ok, my girlfriend has finally accepted to see a sex therapist about her sexual issues. Issues like can't orgasm and won't masturbate to find out how, doesn't talk during sex, the way she was raised, etc. I gave her a "loving" ultimatum that I can't continue on like this (I have for ten months) and if she loves me as much as she does, she will allow me to get her some help. My question is this? How do you go about finding a reputable sex therapist? Thanks!<{POST_SNAPBACK}>Just talk to Howard, he seems to be one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crazy1 Posted November 25, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2005 I won't be on her for long tonight so I will just say congrats telecom, I hope this is the beginning of a beatuiful thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members telecom69 Posted November 25, 2005 Author Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2005 I won't be on her for long tonight so I will just say congrats telecom, I hope this is the beginning of a beatuiful thing.<{POST_SNAPBACK}>This is what I wrote her. Comments?These are not easy words at all for me to say....If you love me as much as you say you do, you will allow me to help you overcome your orgasm and other issues, and you will try to help yourself more. I told you I would be willing to pay for some therapy sessions to see if there is maybe just something very obvious going on with a mental block or other wall. If you are not willing to do this (unless you know of other positive opitons), then that tells me how you really feel about our relationship and I'll make no other attempts to help or discussions on it. We both know well this is a part of our relationship that needs help. It bothers me, and it bothers you. I know you would want to go the distance with me to help me in anyway you could if the circumstances were reversed and do the same thing I'm doing. You are only letting me and yourself down if you elect to do nothing.I love you so much, so take this as no other meaning or intention on my part. This all isn't "to much" for me if you get some professional assistance. There is nothing wrong with it. I know it won't be easy for you, and I understand that. If I really didn't care, I would just say forget it and move on, and I haven't. I care! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members telecom69 Posted November 25, 2005 Author Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2005 This is what I wrote her. Comments?These are not easy words at all for me to say....If you love me as much as you say you do, you will allow me to help you overcome your orgasm and other issues, and you will try to help yourself more. I told you I would be willing to pay for some therapy sessions to see if there is maybe just something very obvious going on with a mental block or other wall. If you are not willing to do this (unless you know of other positive opitons), then that tells me how you really feel about our relationship and I'll make no other attempts to help or discussions on it. We both know well this is a part of our relationship that needs help. It bothers me, and it bothers you. I know you would want to go the distance with me to help me in anyway you could if the circumstances were reversed and do the same thing I'm doing. You are only letting me and yourself down if you elect to do nothing.I love you so much, so take this as no other meaning or intention on my part. This all isn't "to much" for me if you get some professional assistance. There is nothing wrong with it. I know it won't be easy for you, and I understand that. If I really didn't care, I would just say forget it and move on, and I haven't. I care!<{POST_SNAPBACK}>Now she is avoiding conversations about going to the therapy, says she feels sad and hollow that she has let me down, etc. I don't get it. I even told her I would pay for the therapy. What am I missing? Am I being to pushy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members curvacious_lust Posted November 25, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2005 This is a very tough thing you're going thru. She is "shutting down" because she feels like a failure to you, that she's not fulfilling you the way you want her to. I personally do this at times, a part of being emotionally abused thru my younger life. It was easier to shut it out...kind of like the 'in one ear and out the other" deal and hoped it might go away. Do you have health insurance? You might be able to find a therapist thru their listings. I would even suggest couples counselling for the both of you together in an effort to show her your support. Its not like "you have the problem, so you go fix it by yourself", its showing that you care and want to work on it WITH her. I might even suggest a psychologist or psychiatrist as it seems as if she has a lot of other issues in her past besides just "sex". Her Ex sounds like he threw her for a BIG loop and she needs help with that also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members telecom69 Posted November 26, 2005 Author Members Report Share Posted November 26, 2005 This is a very tough thing you're going thru. She is "shutting down" because she feels like a failure to you, that she's not fulfilling you the way you want her to. I personally do this at times, a part of being emotionally abused thru my younger life. It was easier to shut it out...kind of like the 'in one ear and out the other" deal and hoped it might go away. Do you have health insurance? You might be able to find a therapist thru their listings. I would even suggest couples counselling for the both of you together in an effort to show her your support. Its not like "you have the problem, so you go fix it by yourself", its showing that you care and want to work on it WITH her. I might even suggest a psychologist or psychiatrist as it seems as if she has a lot of other issues in her past besides just "sex". Her Ex sounds like he threw her for a BIG loop and she needs help with that also.<{POST_SNAPBACK}>Curvacious,You hit it RIGHT on the head! That is EXACTLY what she said to me about failing me, not fulfilling me, and she will tend to shut down, which just makes it worse. We laid in bed last night and talked for a long time and she has agreed to go, but is scared. I basically had to lay it out blunty that if she won't get some help that our relationship will not get better. It's OUR problem and not just hers. She went to a psychiatriast about five yrs ago to talk about her depression, and after a couple of sessions, the psychiarist started talking about his divorce and she felt like he was coming onto her. So, she has a bad taste for all that to overcome also. I have great insurance. I like the idea of going together, and I am more than willing to do that. I do think she needs more of a sex therapist and not a general pychologist or psychiatrist though. She still asks me why am I putting all this effort into this for so long when I could just go out with other women, have great sex, and not have to deal with her crap. I just tell her I love her very much and its worth it for her. She looks at me with a smile with tears coming down her eyes. Hopefullly she knows why now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members telecom69 Posted November 26, 2005 Author Members Report Share Posted November 26, 2005 Talk to your mental health professionals. If they don't do sex therapy, they generally can refer you to others who do. If you strike out near your home, call the medical college at the state university and ask for referral. They may have you talk to specific members of their faculty, such as Psychiatry professors, etc. but you should get a referral to someone who knows what they are doing. Don't expect to find a sex therapist by looking that up in the yellow pages. No one advertises their services that explicitedly around the midwest, at least. ( Anything can be possible in New York City or L.A. , or San Francisco.)<{POST_SNAPBACK}>Thx Howard. This is where I've started, and found three in our area.http://www.aasect.org/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members curvacious_lust Posted November 26, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 26, 2005 A GOOD psychiatrist is someone who also works with sexual topics or will refer you to someone that will help you. oops...I just realized Howard said this already. DUH. As for her previous psychiatrist, I woulda ran too....for a professional to bring in their personal life and experiences is a no-no. Look for a female doctor for her. That also might help her in the "woman to woman" bond that most men are clueless about. Good luck. Its hard when a relationship falters because of mental health issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members telecom69 Posted November 29, 2005 Author Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2005 A GOOD psychiatrist is someone who also works with sexual topics or will refer you to someone that will help you. oops...I just realized Howard said this already. DUH. As for her previous psychiatrist, I woulda ran too....for a professional to bring in their personal life and experiences is a no-no. Look for a female doctor for her. That also might help her in the "woman to woman" bond that most men are clueless about. Good luck. Its hard when a relationship falters because of mental health issues.<{POST_SNAPBACK}>Well, next week she will have her first appt with a sex therapist. This lady also specializes in depression and anxiety. I told my gf if she can't try to make this better, than I did my best and there is nothing else I can do. I think she got the message. Here is what she said.Of course I’ll go! I can take time off of work if I have enough notice. I do want to go but I may be uncomfortable at first – afraid of saying something wrong or stupid. Please, bear with me, ok?Question for all of you. I told her I would go if she wants, but do you think it will be better if the first appt is by herself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crazy1 Posted November 29, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2005 My personal feeling is that you should accompany her to the office, and wait for her in the waiting area. If she wants you to come in, she will ask. Otherwise show her that you are willing to be there for her and "wait" while she gets things in her own life in order. By your willingness to go with her and not force yourself in the visits, you are showing your support and not being pushy or forceful. Just my 2 cents.Crazy1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members telecom69 Posted November 29, 2005 Author Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2005 My personal feeling is that you should accompany her to the office, and wait for her in the waiting area. If she wants you to come in, she will ask. Otherwise show her that you are willing to be there for her and "wait" while she gets things in her own life in order. By your willingness to go with her and not force yourself in the visits, you are showing your support and not being pushy or forceful. Just my 2 cents.Crazy1<{POST_SNAPBACK}>She told me this morning that she does want me to go with her and be outside to come in when and if she or the therapist wants me to. I've never been thru this before, so it should be interesting. I can tell she is nervous. I have to pay $150 a visit since it isn't covered on insurance, so I can't do more than a few, which I understand may not be enough visits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crazy1 Posted November 29, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2005 how long is each visit? 150 is pretty expensive, but I am sure that it is for the better. I hope you can find away to make this work. Best of luck.Crazy1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members curvacious_lust Posted November 30, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 30, 2005 I guess price per session depends on where you live. I know a psychiatrist here in the Palm Springs/Rancho Mirage CA area and she is $350/visit. $150 is quite reasonable. I'm glad you are giving her the support she needs in this and there is nothing she can/will do or say that is "wrong or stupid". Also, you might look into your insurance and see if it covers "family counseling". If it does, then I would talk to the therapist about your "couples sessions" being billed to YOUR insurance as "family/couples therapy" and you might just end up paying your copay for the couples sessions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members goinginsaneagain Posted December 3, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2005 Call the state medical board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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