Problem - Bad Sex Life

[candyblueyork]

Ok, I've been married for over 10 years, 2 young kids. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage but they don't know the truth and we can't talk to anyone about it. Apart from our sex life we do have a great marriage in as much as I love him and I know he loves me and we both love the kids, we want to be together and we want this family life, we want to give the kids a nice upbringing. We like spending time together, going out to a few pubs or sitting in with kids, taking them to cinema, out for lunch, etc.. We hardly ever argue and seem to be able to put up with each other from day to day. The sad truth is that our sex life is terrible and has been almost since the start of our relationship 14 years ago. The problem is premature ejaculation and it's driving us apart. Whenever we have sex which is rare, maybe once per month (and that's only out of desperation) I always end up crying with the dissappointment either openly or under the sheets or in the bathroom without him knowing. I truly feel like crying just writing this down. In the early days I used to get angry with him and go in a huff but now I just feel so helpless. We both avoid sex now because anytime we do it it drives us further apart. We tried the squeeze method and the stop start method but nothing seems to work, we tried herbal tablets, spray, viagra - you name it we've tried it. He went to the doctor who told him it was a psycho sexual problem and reffered him to a councellor who he is going to see next week and we are pinning all our hopes on this but the atmosphere between us and the tension in the air is so bad. I said a few things a couple of years ago which hurt him like "lets have an open relationship" I know this is bad but I really meant it at the time I was just desperate for sexual contact. Whenever we do it he has to stop after about 2 minutes just as I am beginning to enjoy it, how can i enjoy it when he has to stop every 2 minutes? To make matters worse I can only cum vaginaly, I have never had a clittoral orgasm and I don't masturbate, I don't know why this is I just never have, I don't ever feel like that, I need a man. So now whenever he makes sexual advances to me I just clam up and refuse to be turned on because I know that as soon as I start to enjoy it, he will want to stop and I will get upset and it just goes from there. I also feel very selfish for wanting more sexually, at the end of the day if he can't give me it I should stick by him, like if he was paralised from the neck down or developed some sort or disease, I would'nt walk away then so why walk away now. I'm only 32 and the next 30 years seem a very long time. Please help.

[Mikayla1]

Alright...this is NOT a helpless situation. There is help for you both because you love each other.

First, if your hb has seen a doctor, and he says it is not a physical thing, but a psychological thing, it can be fixed. What your hb has is performance anxiety. When a man experiences this PE and then again, and again, it starts to become a psychological issue more than just the PE. The man starts to shy away from sex because of the fear. I am sure you know all this.

First of all, people always assume that sex is about penetration only. It isn't. Sex is about foreplay, touching, licking, sucking, toys, THEN intercourse. I am AMAZED to hear you say that you are only able to have orgasms through penetration - do you know that statistically only 5% of women can have a vaginal orgasm WITHOUT clitoral stimulation? That is amazing that you are one of those 5%. Also, you say you do not masturbate - either that is a lie, or you are jipping yourself out of one of life's greatest pleasures!

Masturbation is a healthy experience! It lets your body release pent up hormones and anxiety. It allows you to be "in touch" with what you like sexually. I think that it is imperative that you start masturbating. Once you do, you will find that a clitoral orgasm is WONDERFUL, and then you can incorporate it into your lovemaking so that you can have orgasms first, before intercourse. Plus, if your hb is performing oral sex on you, he can give you a G-Spot orgasm, by inserting 2 fingers, rubbing your G-Spot, and licking your clitoris. This should give you a wonderful orgasm, and both of you should be participating in oral sex to lengthen your lovemaking time, and to give your hb endurance.

As for the PE particularly, the start / stop method takes a long, long time to master. It is not something that works right away. He has to do it when he masturbates, while you have oral sex, while you have regular sex. It has to be a constant exercise. Also, you have to realize that sex is not a serious thing. If you are having fun touching each other, making each other cum in different ways (Oral, anal, toys) then the PE won't be such a big issue.

I would also suggest to you a cock ring. Cock rings can definitely help in this situation. A cock ring is designed to restrict the flow of blood that goes into the cock during erection from flowing out. You put it on while he is flacid and then when he gets erect that blood is trapped in there a little longer. Cock rings are usually used for ED issues, but can be helpful in PE issues too. Try one. You can get a pack of 3 sizes for less than $5.00 and it is worth a try.

I would also suggest to you to pay attention to the signs of when your hb is about to ejaculate and try to stop it. There are 2 methods you can try. First, pull down on his balls. When a man is about to ejaculate his balls start to shrink up into his body - PULL THEM DOWN - this may help to delay the ejaculation.

Second, you can push on his MDP - Million Dollar Point - this is a Tantric technique that is used to orgasm without ejaculation. This point is located between the balls and the anus. When he is getting ready to cum, push on this spot HARD...I mean HARD. What you are doing is stopping the flow of semen from getting to the tubes in the penis. To do this techinique try it first when you are giving him head. To know you have the right spot, when you push it, his penis will bounce.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. If you have any questions, please ask them. This is not a hopeless situation. things can get better. Most importantly, stop crying, start laughing - and realize taht sex is play and take it as such. Start masturbating...you can orgasm in so many different ways.

Mikayla

[curvacious_lust]

Candy,

I can relate to what you said by "everything BUT the sex life is good in your marriage". Your husband is making a very big move by seeing a counselor but you both have realize this is not an instant fix to the problem. It will be a while. Each person is different so it could be weeks or many long months before you see any major improvements. I would suggest you get some counselling yourself, whether professional or self help. Go to the Sex Education section here at this site and learn about yourself as well and learn to masturbate! Masturbation will open up a whole level to your love life with your husband. One thing I did take note of is that "he has to stop after two minutes" Have you ever let him "finger fuck/bang" you after he has had to stop? This is another way both he and you can learn about your own sexual responses. Obviously, you have orgasmed at some point in your personal sex life as you know when you are excited and "almost" to that point. My first toy was an egg vibrator that could be inserted vaginally. I learned a lot about where my own hot spots were both vaginally and clittorly with it. For example, my clittoral excitement is not right "on" the clit, but slightly to the right of the "split". But its not always there either.

Everyone here is wonderful and we want you and your husband to have the best sex life possible!!

Good Luck. I hope some of this has helped.

[candyblueyork]

Thanks for the advice. I just don't know where I have went wrong with regard to masturbation. I know that because I don't know myself that is why I don't have a clitoral orgasm, if I could get one of those it would take a lot of pressure off my husband. I lost my virginity at 15 and have slept with a lot of guys when I was younger so maybe I just didn't bother or didn't have time. I wish I could get "into" it but I never feel like that and also have a hang up about my stomach. I am of average size but after 2 cessarian sections with the kids I have this flap of skin hanging and I HATE it. My dream is one day to have enough cash to get a tummy tuck, then I will feel better about myself. I know I am lucky to have a vaginal orgasm and I can tell you it is just ... well I can't even describe how good, but I just wish I could have a clitoral one. My hb and me do a lot of foreplay and stuff before penetration and everything is great up until then, I have absolutely no complaints on that score apart from, the fact that I am clamming up all the time now because of the fear it's all going to go wrong. I was thinking of trying a cock ring so I am going to get some of those as well. You may ask yourself, why has she stuck around so long when it has been bad from the start? Well in those days we were too busy partying with our mates and going out and it was never the be all and end all of our relationship. Nowadays we have 2 young kids who go to bed by 9pm and we are stuck in with nothing to do at night and it would be nice to have that to look forward to instead of nothingness. Although I say I clam up and put sex to the back of my mind, I do still get horny, like the other night I was lying next to him and I wanted him but then instead of just touching him or kissing him I was weighing up the pros and cons and then i just thought forget it it's not worth the hassle. I hope we can work this out it would be a shame to break up a happy family because of a sex problem - and selfish of me.

[Mikayla1]

It is not selfish of you to think of your own overall happiness......you are thinking about spending the rest of your life being sexually unfulfilled, that is not selfish, it is realistic.

However, you do not have to be unhappy sexually. Just try to make some adjustmanets on how you think about things! First of all, no woman should EVER, EVER....feel bad about c-section scars, stretch marks, or any other marks of childbirth. We as women are the species which was designated by GOD to be strong enough to carry and birth a baby! We sometimes do not come out of the experience in the perfect shape that we went into it in (or maybe we weren't even perfect then) but nonetheless, it is not our fault how our bodies react to that baby process - we should never feel badly about it.

If you have a flap of skin - SO WHAT - too bad. Forget about it. You have children!

Now that I have vented...I can address my basic point....people of all shapes and sizes enjoy sex and masurbation, so should you. Get your hands down to your clit and start exploring. But a bullet or a vibe and explore that way. DO NOT worry about your body. Obviously your man finds your attractive, so you should feel sexy!

Try to not clam up so much. If you want to jump your hb, do it. If you are horny, do something about it. The more you guys engage in sex acts, foreplay, masturbation - the easier it will be to not clam up.

I hope this helps. Now tonight, just do it. Just jump on him. When he protests or worries, just tell him, shhhh, no worries. Whatever it is, it is. If I can cum before we have sex - then it is great for me! Let's make me cum!

Then, concentrate on you. make yourself cum. Don't let him obesess over this.

CL is right about the consellor, it is a good step, but not a miracle worker. At least he is willing to go!

Mikayla

[candyblueyork]

Well nothing happened last night (again). It just feels so awkward to initiate anything in bed - how can this be after 14 years together? He was on the internet last night looking up honeymoon suites with jacuzzi's so he does want me but it just goes wrong or doesn't happen, maybe a night away from kids would be a good idea. I also ordered a few sex toys including cock rings so we'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

[Mikayla1]

When you say that "nothing happened" why is that? Did you not approach him or attack him? Did you not talk to him? You have to just start doing things. Repression of wants and desires is what breeds the anger, frustration, doubt and hurt feelings! You have to be honest and open with what you want, and if you are a little sneaky in your approach to things, that is OK, as long as you are doing it to better your sex life!

Please keep us posted on how things go!

Mikayla

[Mikayla1]

That Howard is so smart!

He is right you know....why settle for one erection when you can have two?

If you can do this, get your hb used to getting erect more than one time, perhaps he will be more than willing to let that first one go easily - through oral or manual stim - then concentrate on pleasuring you and each other to get the second! After that, it should last longer and you should both have plenty of time to give you many orgasms as well!

Perhaps he can masturbate beforehand sometimes if he doesn't always want to do 2 complete foreplays, etc.

Listen to Howard, he is very smart!

Mikayla

[candyblueyork]

I think we are going to have to go back to basics and start again. We have tried doing it a second time after he has cum tooquickly in the past but it's never hard enough. He feels under a lot of pressure, maybe it is hard enough in most girl's book because they have clitoral orgasms whereas I only have vaginal ones (so far) and for that it needs to be hard. Sometimes I am not really bothering about an orgasm I just want a long hard fuck which happens only if he is drunk. I do have a lot of things on my mind that I can't say to him for some reason, like I get dissapointed when he doesn't buy me sexy underwear at Christmas or birthdays, etc.. All I want is a good sex life and I am going to take your advice about masterbation being imperative (I thought the choice of words was really funny by the way) and I am goingto start doing that as soon as possible. At least if I am able to do that myself I won't rely on him so much. I had a go in the bath last night for all of 2 minutes but I just felt daft not sexy and I stopped maybe there's something wrong with me.