Can He Tell I've Been With Other Men?

[smileyface]

I am a 34 year old female, married for 13 years. I have had two children.

In my teenage years, I had MULTIPLE sexual partners from the age of 13 to 21,; with the males ranging in ages of 17 to 24. (a rape changed my life, and I became sexually active)

Through the years, I have done kegel exercises. My question is this:

Could my husband know that I have had multiple sexual encounters?

I have always worried about this.

[smileyface]

Hey there. Thanks Howard. I have read a few of your posts, and consider you to know a few things.

When I asked could he tell, of course he and I have talked about some of the past. He has had two failed marriages, so it's no big deal. What I am wondering, is it true about...let's see how to put this...if it can get worn out(for lack of a better way to put it).

Let's say you were dating a new woman, and you were having sex, could you tell that she has had lots of sex before, be it even twenty years ago?

[Mikayla1]

So what you want to know really is, if you will get "looser" in later life because you have had multiple partners and 2 children?

NO. First of all, a person can have many, many, many partners and the next guy may never, ever know. Your vagina is meant to pass a baby - so unless you have had a lot of sex with men who are really, really, really endowed....this shouldn't affect anything. Plus, it would still stretch back. Also, you mentioned Kegels - wonderful to do BTW for everyone - this will help with the normal "stretching" and such that happens with age, not use.

I sense there is an unasked question here....are you and hb having difficulties in bed? Is something not feeling right or better than it used to? None of that would have anything to do with your previous lovers...I guarantee it!

If it is guilt over not being honest about your past - maybe it is time to come clean about it. Does this man love you? If so, let him in on it if it is bothering you. If you don't want to, don't. People sometimes tell too much about their past sex lives to no avail.

Let's try to find the real root of your problem here.

Mikayla

[smileyface]

Okay, I'll be honest. I am a happily married woman, who is in love with another man. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I am afraid it is true. I met this man in October of last year, and it has slowly progressed. This is something I never thought would happen to me. My husband knows almost everything about my past, and sex is fantastic, (finally) after 13 years. We are really open with each other, and the needs we both have. He pleases me, and he says I do the same for him. It is the other man; he's the one I was thinking of when I asked the question. By the way, I know I am messing up, I just can't seem to stop.

[curvacious_lust]

You have 2 choices: 1. Divorce your husband and move on. 2. Leave your lover.

There is always that chance that if you do leave your husband, your lover will lose interest and move on leaving you without either one.

I was in a similar situation once and I had more to lose by leaving my husband than giving up my lover. My situation was different than yours. My husband was demonstrating the beginnings of Bipolar disorder. Sex, let alone our marriage, was NOT the first thing on his list of priorities. Another woman was in the picture, drugs, alcohol. He came very close to losing everything including his family and his employment. My sex needs were not being filled, I was trying to keep a family together that included an 8 year old son and 2 year old daughter. So, I looked elsewhere...if he could, why couldn't I??

He finally went to his doctor when I handed him temporary child support papers to sign. Even then, the first few medical protocols were horrific and I was ready to leave again. He openly rejected any advances I made including just kissing him in front of our kids which usually was no big deal. I felt sexually rejected and I needed someone to make me feel like a woman again. So I found one. It didn't solve the problem. Hubby had an idea I had someone. I told him "you leave her and I won't look"

Still, 4 years later, we are working things out still. Bipolar disorder isn't something that is cured and I know there is a chance my marriage and family won't be safe. But, at least I can say I did my best and it was no one's fault in the end. I didn't let someone else end my marriage except for me and my husband.

Edited February 4, 2006 by curvacious_lust

[Mikayla1]

Curvacious is RIGHT ON - you only have 2 choice in my opinion also, divorce or leave the lover! I am a very, very open person when it comes to sex - but I am firm that when you are married, you should be faithful! Now, I understand that affairs happen - and I understand why they happen, and I am not condemning ANYONE for having one. I have cheated on past boyfriends because I was unhappy in the relationship. Instead of talking about it, or leaving, I just cheated. Which made me feel guilty eventually (at first I felt naughty) and then it didn't work out with either guy. Then when I fell DEEPLY in LOVE, I mean D E E P in love with my ex fiance, and walked in one night to his apartment and saw his head in between another (less attractive) girl's legs I thought, "well Mikayla, I suppose you are getting what you deserve here!" Now, I never cheated on him, but apparently he was doing a whole bunch of cheating on me! He admitted it wasn't because the sex was bad, he said it was great between us (thanks, take a bow) he just couldn't be faithful!

For you, Smiley Face, I don't know why you are cheating - but I read the word "love" - this is a slippery slope. Do you "love" only your lover and not your hb? Is your lover actually a lover, or have you yet to cross that line? I think that sometimes we have the "grass is greener" complex so badly that we jump over the fence too soon, only to find out that the grass is just as dry and brittle there as it was in our yard! CL is right, this man may not find you attractive once you are single.

I am sorry for the negativity here, I am not usually that way. I am usually the one who says "GO FOR IT" but here I just can't give that advice. Also, if this man loved you, he wouldn't care about your past, how many partners you have had, etc. This is not something you have to worry about, as I have explained, and he doesn't even need to know! Have you told him about your children? That would be a big shocker for him!

Well, I am going to climb down off my soap box, as it is early in the moring and I have yet to have a latte, but I will say this one thing: think long and hard before you cheat if you haven't already. If you have, think long and hard about what you would be giving up if a)your hb found out or you leave your hb or c) your hb leaves you and so does the other guy!

Well that is all for now. I wish you luck in this decision!

Mikayla

P.S. to CL, good going Girl on being strong with your SO!

[TUBELEEK]

Hey there. Thanks Howard. I have read a few of your posts, and consider you to know a few things.

When I asked could he tell, of course he and I have talked about some of the past. He has had two failed marriages, so it's no big deal. What I am wondering, is it true about...let's see how to put this...if it can get worn out(for lack of a better way to put it).

Let's say you were dating a new woman, and you were having sex, could you tell that she has had lots of sex before, be it even twenty years ago?

this would more then likly, not be an issue, not to me anyways. i really dont believe that the vagina is capable of being worn out. we should make cars out of the same material, we'd not need insurance.lol

on the serious side, it sounds like you have had alot of sexual partners in the past, the question you should ask yourself is ,Do you think your SO is "enough" for you? they say size don't matter, but if your not hitting it right then something is wrong. When having sex/making love with your SO, do you enjoy it? and does he satisfy you in every way? if so then what does it matter who, when or how many partners either of you have had..? myself , i,ve had sexual encounters in the past with about 67 different female participants, by the time i was22 yrs old. since then I have been with 4, only 1 in the past 16yrs (married). and if i were to go to bed with you right now, i wouldnt even trip on all that, you know? I'd be so excited to just be getting into some Strange.... its all good..