Need Some Perspective On An Unusual Situation

[synirr]

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible, I've got so many emotions wrapped up in this I could probably write a novel.

I've never been one to fall in love easily, or at all. I usually know a relationship is going to end, and why, almost before it even begins. That said, you know how they say when you meet the right person you'll just know? I've been seeing someone since last December, and I've "known" basically from the start with this one... I was so afraid of getting hurt though, that I held back for a long time to make sure. I wanted to make sure it wasn't just my initial impression of him that I was attracted to. I became infatuated, I let it pass, I've spent a lot of time learning him, and I still adore him.

We're like best friends. I know I could trust him with anything and he would never judge me. He has told me he can be himself with me moreso than with anyone else. There's a level of intimacy between us that I've never experienced before. We're so much alike that there's nothing he could tell me that I wouldn't understand completely and vice versa. So what's the problem? He doesn't love me.

We were keeping it casual for a long time until a series of events (which I won't get into) led me to realize how much I really do have emotionally invested in this. We talked for days about how we feel about one-another, and honest to God, this is the first time he has ever confused me. I just do not get it... or maybe I do and don't realize it, I dunno. At first he said he'd be more comfortable if we stayed friends, but we're not really "just friends" and we both know it. He has told me he's falling for me before... you don't "fall" for friends. Finally he said he'd rather things just stay the way they are, which is great for the time being, but it's a really unstable place for me and I'm so afraid of what's going to happen next. He said he doesn't want this to end, "or even know how it would," but that he doesn't have those feelings for me. He couldn't really give me a reason why, and said he was still confused about it himself. I know that a lot of the issue is that I don't mesh well with the rest of his life -- I'm pierced, I'm tattooed, I'm atheist, I'm all-around pretty weird... and I'm more like him than his friends and family are, and I'm sure they don't know that about him. I think that's the bulk of the problem, really. He has been having some issues with depression (it has gotten a little better, gradually,) and most of it is fueled by the conflict he has between the side of him I'm privy to and the expectations his family and friends have of him. I want to believe that's what the whole issue is, but I don't know. He doesn't know either.

Meanwhile things are staying the same, even after all the talking and even after I told him I love him. He still drives an hour and a half to visit me almost every week (he's out of town for the summer, moving back this month). We still text message one-another at work almost every day during our lunch breaks, we still talk every night, we're still planning to go to Australia together next year (we both opened savings accounts and have started putting money away,) we're still excited to see one-another every week, he still gives me random little hugs and kisses my forehead... I don't want it to stop and it kills me to think that it might. It's the intimacy I would miss. I can't imagine a time when we're not friends, but what if what we have now doesn't last? I don't want there to be a time we don't take long baths together and just talk, or don't fall asleep on the couch together while watching a movie, or when he has spent the night and I have to get up for work the next morning and I hit the snooze several times so we can just lie there together a while longer.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up, but I am really afraid of getting hurt. If I keep feeling the way I do now and he finds someone else down the line it would tear me up. Most of all though, I just want him to be happy... I feel like we could be happy together, but if that's not the case then I'd gladly let him go and I'd gladly be a friend to him even if he was with someone else. I know I can be strong enough to do that if I have to be, but God I don't want to be. There's not really anything to do other than wait and see, I guess, but I just feel so helpless and overly emotional and then I make topics like this

[sun_flower969]

First of all . Sorry for your anguish... I felt so emotional after reading that I am all teary. (PMS probably LOL) But seriously, It is a very hard thing, unrequited love. I have been there and it was heart wrenching. You have to do what's best for you and is this really it? NO judgment OK! If you hold on to this guy and he does happen to find some one else. I know you say you can be strong but I can guarantee that you will be in for a huge heartbreak. Maybe you should start dating others as well. If all he wants is friendship then he won't mind. Maybe you will meet someone who will help take your mind off of him. Or maybe he will wise up and realize he loves you too and wants you all to himself, regardless of how controversial you may seem to his family! You deserve to be loved for everything you are and stand for. If this guy has hangups then maybe he isn't the one. I'm sorry I don't want to be hurtful. I was so in love with this guy. It's complicated... I pined for him for 3 years! I was just not his "type" I think. He was pretty conservative and I am like this wild girl. Man he would flirt mercilessly and we would laugh so hard at the same things. I was hooked. I really thought he had feelings for me but when it came down to it I think I was just not the, "kind of girl he would take home to mama" You know? Again so sorry and I wish you LOVE and happiness, you deserve it!

[mystofpric]

Wow, i think everyone has been in one of these situtations. If I were you, and admitedly it's easier for me to say sitting here than for you to actually do, but you need to ween yourself off the intamacy a little bit. If he says that he does want to date you, an dhe wants to date other people than all that stuff will stop cold turkey when he does. Backing off little by little will make it easier for you if he does decide to see someone else and it might make he see that he needs you and those moments in his life. Also I agree with Sun, move on, find a good fling and have fun. Again, easier said than done. I've been hung up on my college sweetheart for oh about 5 years now and trust me I know it's not going any where but he's always going to be the one i compare people to. So really all you can do is either back off and brace yourself now or get cut off later. It sounds harsh and it is, your gonna get hurt no matter what happens and I'm here for you if you need anything and hopefully this guy will open his eyes and see teh wonder sitting acorss thetub from him.

[Tyger]

Yes, I would say many of us have been in similar situations at one time or another. It's good that you're both so open with each other. If he's confused, then he has to figure out why. You're afraid of being hurt, who wouldn't be in this sort of situation? I can tell you from experience, that, if he did find someone else, it would feel like your heart's being torn out. But, as a friend of his, if this means that he'd be happy with someone other than you, you'd need to accept it, as hard as that would be.

Do you think he's scared as to how his parents would react if y'all were an item? If he is, then it's up to him to figure out whether or not he could handle that, and how he'd balance it all out.

When I was in your situation, I started dating other people. After all, we'd both had said that we just wanted to be FWB's. My friend got really mad at me when I did so. I told him he needed to make up his mind as to what exactly he wanted. Instead of being mature about it, he sulked, which turned me off, so I ended it totally. It killed me inside to do so, but it was time. I didn't want to put a possible future mate on hold, or pass him off, just because my FWB couldn't be mature enough to make a decision.

Putting yourself more on the dating scene can have that effect, or, he could realize how much he wants you to himself, and spur him into a decision. I didn't think that my FWB would react the way he did, so until you do it, you really won't know until you try.

Best wishes darlin'!

[synirr]

Thanks for the advice guys, I really appreciate it. He's coming over in an hour or two and staying a couple of days so I probably won't be back to check this thread for a little while. I'll let you know how it goes.

Sun -- You're absolutely right; if he found someone else, unless we'd grown apart by then, it WOULD break my heart. That's not really the point though... I'm already hiding a lot of my hurt from him because I don't want to bother him with it. Not that he wouldn't be there for me, he absolutely would be and has been, but he has his own problems that he needs to work out and I don't want him to have to shoulder mine too. That's what I meant when I said I could be strong if I have to be; I can shoulder it. I am thinking about seeing other people should someone come along, but neither of us are actively looking to meet anyone else, and he doesn't want to be "just friends". We're in some kind of transient state between friends and partners, and it's nice, but it can't last forever.

Iha -- Your reply means a lot to me, and I agree completely. I think it goes deeper than just me vs. his family though... At this point I've only met one of his sisters, and she said she really likes me. The deal is that the person his family thinks he is is not a person who would date me, you know what I mean? Being serious about me would mean deciding to become comfortable with who he is and live his life for himself instead of for his family. I know that's at least part of the problem, and if it's the whole problem, then it's definitely not about me at all. It's not about choosing me over his family, or even his family liking me, it's about showing them who he really is, as a whole, and hoping they will accept it and love him and not be disappointed. I know he feels a lot of pressure to live up to their expectations of him, and I've been trying to make him understand that he IS wonderful and special and they're going to be happiest seeing him live a happy life no matter what... they are a great, supportive family. He just really, really doesn't want to let them down. Do you think there's anything else I can do to help him work through this, or do I need to just continue to support him and let him work it out? He is considering starting therapy soon, for what it's worth.

You're right though, deep down I think I know that. Hopefully this journey is just beginning, and I'd much rather take some risks along the way than kill it prematurely. I'm just really afraid and I need someone to reassure me every now and then . I'm not going to wuss out on this one. I asked him, back when we discussed things, if it was ok if I continued to have feelings for him and he said it wouldn't make him uncomfortable as long as I was fine with it, so he knows where I stand.

[vanilla_bean]

I'm kind of late to this post, sorry. I send you a hug and hope things turn out for the best. reading through several threads, I'm beginning to see that FWB can be quite complicated.

[steely]

I was in this type of a situation way back. I liked my girlfriend soooo much, we did everything together. I was frightened of loosing her. I don't think I told her I loved her. With me love takes time. I was depressed like your boyfriend for various reasons. and this affected our relationship. I wanted to take my time with her so as not to ruin things. But with all the stress I was under with different things AND our relationship, I couldn't cope and we broke up, I was devastated. Looking back I can see things more clear. She wanted more love, and I wanted to take my time. I'm now kicking myself. So if he wants or needs more time, you have to talk together about this, and try to come to some kind of compromise. I do hope things work out

[its1013]

I was in this type of a situation way back. I liked my girlfriend soooo much, we did everything together. I was frightened of loosing her. I don't think I told her I loved her. With me love takes time. I was depressed like your boyfriend for various reasons. and this affected our relationship. I wanted to take my time with her so as not to ruin things. But with all the stress I was under with different things AND our relationship, I couldn't cope and we broke up, I was devastated. Looking back I can see things more clear. She wanted more love, and I wanted to take my time. I'm now kicking myself. So if he wants or needs more time, you have to talk together about this, and try to come to some kind of compromise. I do hope things work out

Steely, it's so good to get a man's perspective because often times men clam up and won't talk. Us sometimes overly-analytical women can worry ourselves something fierce if we don't fully understand a situation. Thanks for chiming in.

[steely]

Steely, it's so good to get a man's perspective because often times men clam up and won't talk. Us sometimes overly-analytical women can worry ourselves something fierce if we don't fully understand a situation. Thanks for chiming in.

I dont mind at all. Anything to help out.

I also think she is looking too far into the future and worrying. Too many "IF's". Its NOW thats important.

[synirr]

You're right steely, is it now that's important and when we're together I don't worry about it for a second, it's just hard because while I know that he cares about me and likes me, I also know he doesn't have the same feelings for me that I do for him. I'm hoping he'll develop them, but there's no guarantee, and that's the scary part, because right now I can't change how I feel.

[its1013]

Agree. Besides, you can only construct a building one brick at a time. 'NOW'. You can "plan" for the future - the end of the construction but the building has got to have a solid foundation.

and we're off w/ the metaphores.