Dumped

[Guest eminatic]

well i had been wanting to make a topic asking for help a while ago but everytime i start writing one of these types of threads i always realize how stupid i sound and delete it halfway through.

i guess i'll start with the background,

when i met my bf we were both living in Northern California (about 2 years ago) and i ended up somewhat unwillingly losing my virginity to him. we both agreed that it would just be a casual fling because i was going to be moving to Las Vegas that summer, which i was totally fine with because i didnt even really like him that much, but hey it was the first guy who had ever been attracted to me or even talked to me in 18 years so i couldn't complain right? well right before i moved he started telling me that he loved me, that he wanted to visit me in vegas and basically tell me that he wanted to continue the relationship. he'd always look me in the eye and swear he was not just saying it because he was drunk (most of the time he was drunk) although the first time he did it, the next morning he woke up saying "i dont remember what happened last night, i think i told you i love you or something but i dont know why i said that"

after he started saying all that to me i started to let myself get really attached, since we would be continuing the relationship afterall. well the day after i moved he called me and in a nutshell told me he didnt mean anything he said. i dont really remember what happened but we continued the relationship and i visited him shortly after moving several times. last winter i was preparing for another visit, everything was going good and then out of the blue he sent me a text saying he was dumping me without telling me why and would call me later. i waited a few days an no response, so i tried texting, and a few days later tried calling and still no response. well i had already bought the plain tickets (which were non refundable) and since i still didnt know ANYONE and had no friends in my new town i decided to instead go visit my old friends in California. when he found out he called RIGHT before i was leaving to tell me he wanted me to stay with him as friends. not wanting to be rude and cancel on my friend that i had begged to host me on short notice, i agreed to split my week long trip in half, but told him we would not be having sex if he only wanted to be friends, and if he was sure that was how he wanted it. he agreed but when i stayed with him he kept trying to have sex with me, after about a day and a half of me refusing him, he started crying saying that he made a mistake and still wanted me. i fell for it and we ended up having sex.

ever since then he has never said he wants to get back together, and whenever i try to find out why he dumped me he only says he "made a mistake" but doesnt want to officially get back together. i asked if we were not together and only casually having sex if that meant our "relationship" was open and we could see other people. he said he didnt want anyone else and didnt want me to be with anyone else, but still did not want to get back together.

about a week or so ago we sort of had an argument over it and afterwards i really started freaking out, which somehow led to me taking up smoking! when he found out i could tell he was upset, but didnt say anything negative and only supported me. then 2 nights ago he called and said that long distance was causing me to act self destructively and dumped me. this was right before he was leaving for Burning Man, so now theres no way to contact him for a week, and i feel horrible that i pushed him to dump me because i started smoking, and even worse now i cant stop.

sorry that turned out to be so long, and im not sure what im even asking for in this thread....i just dont have any friends in real life i could have told and i felt like i needed to tell SOMEBODY...

[mystofpric]

Okay love, first of all, this guy sounds like an insenstive jerk. To dump you because your moving, while sadly understandable is still a jerk move, then he pretty much emotionally cons you back into the "relationship" while jerking you around and dumps you because you smoke? Sorry, shit happens, and in the end as long as your respectful of non-smokers it's your body and your decision. Your way better off without this ass. Keep tellng yourself that and go out and start meeting people. Start taking a yoga class, or a cooking class, these things FORCE you to interact with people and make you meet people. Book clubs are also a good way to meet people with similar tastes.... Forget him and move on, and I'd also recommend getting on teh patch, if youhaven't been smoking long it'll be eier (still hard but not as hard) to quit now rather than a year from now.

[whitefang2002]

I just wanted to say that I read your post. It does sound like he is a little bit of a jerk...I don't have much advise to give you. If you reallly want to stop smoking then yeah I would suggest the patch too...or cold turkey if you can do that. He just sounded like perhaps a player and somewhat clingy at the same time. And I SOOOO know what you mean about not have friends around you to talk to. Glad you posted it. Its nice to get that stuff out of your head. I'm here for you if you want to PM me. Hope you are doing ok. And by the sounds of the post.....there's nothing wrong with you...its all him so I wouldn't worry about that.

[Tyger]

First off, he sounds extremely immature and insensitive, though probably pretty smart, because he was able to play on your low self-esteem, and desire to be loved. He wanted some, new he could get some from you, and played you. You are SOOOO much better off without him. You were a reliable and safe booty call, and he used that.

Women have a hard time disassociated love with sex, so, you growing feelings for him, especially when he was your First, isn't all that shocking. He's a player, and he isn't sure what he wants, so, it's best that you just leave him out with the trash, IMHO.

I have to agree, though I've never been a smoker, the less time you smoke, the easier it should be, since it's relatively new, and your body isn't "as" hooked on it. If you don't like the habit, talk with your doctor about getting some help, taper off of them, make a decision, and quit. Smoking solves nothing, except maybe insuring that you will probably have health issues down the line. But, it's your body, so ultimately it's your decision.

Best wishes!

[Guest eminatic]

i just feel like i can't meet someone else because i've never even gotten so much as a passing glance from a guy before. i might have already said this before but i've never even so much as held hands with a guy until i met my bf. plus i already promised i would never forgive myself for doing something so stupid and pushing him to dump me.

i dont know...the whole reason i was going to school was so i could transfer back to a school in California but now i dont even see the point in going to school at all. i dont have a career interest of my own, i already dropped out of culinary school (which is where i met him) and now i dont know what im doing.

[mystofpric]

i just feel like i can't meet someone else because i've never even gotten so much as a passing glance from a guy before. i might have already said this before but i've never even so much as held hands with a guy until i met my bf. plus i already promised i would never forgive myself for doing something so stupid and pushing him to dump me.

i dont know...the whole reason i was going to school was so i could transfer back to a school in California but now i dont even see the point in going to school at all. i dont have a career interest of my own, i already dropped out of culinary school (which is where i met him) and now i dont know what im doing.

Hun, first of all you have a reason to go back to school, improving youself and your future, Not sure what you want to do? Don't declare, you don't have to until your junior year. Play with your gen eds and find something your passionate about. Join clubs, i recommend theatre they are SUPER welcoming. Get a campus job, you have to talk to people then. Guess what, group projects introduce you to people you wouldn't met any other way!!

[whitefang2002]

I have to add one more thing em. you didn't push him to dump you by smoking. He is just using that as an excuse. Don't let that get you down.

[mystofpric]

Thanks WF, i meant to write that but i was being yelled at to go make dinner and I wanted to hurry and get that posted. Your way better than that slug Em!

[ohshelly]

I read your post, and I have to agree with everybody else. You deserve so much better.

You didn't push him into dumping you. He sounds like a player to me, too.

Honey, stay in school, please. Take everybodys advise and join in some new activities.

Iha has good advise, too. Grandpa was a smart man.

He was special to you because he was your first, I understand that powerful connection.

As hard as it seems, let him go his own way and show him by making a wonderful life for yourself.

Invest time and effort into yourself, you are worth it. Remember that.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!

[Guest eminatic]

I have to add one more thing em. you didn't push him to dump you by smoking. He is just using that as an excuse. Don't let that get you down.

thank you, that makes me feel a little better...a girl at work told me the exact same thing. i wasn't expecting it but a girl i work with has been incredibly kind and supportive to me. she's a few years younger than me, but has alot more experience with guys cuz like i said...he's pretty much the only guy i've ever talked to.

i have no clue what to major in, but i've learned that in the end no one cares what your degree is in, just as long as you have one. in highschool everyone kept telling me "oh dont worry you'll know what college to go to/what to major in when you're a senior" didnt happen. i've declared my major as Linguistics which is what i was leaning towards in highschool but was afraid i wouldnt be able to find a career from it. but like i said no one really cares what you major in...

i'm really confused now because he just sent me a text like nothing even happened, then told me he'd be breaking his phone (to get a new one under warrenty) and would call me in a week when Burning Man is over. i didnt know what to say :\

[whitefang2002]

If you keep talking to him then the same thing is going to happen over and over and over again. That rut sucks. I have been there before.

As for the whole college thing. I didn't know what I wanted to do. Just this past Thursday I got an idea of a major that I am looking at. I went and talked to an advisor at the college. They are so helpful! Maybe you should consider the same? Mine had me take a test to rate the things I want in a job. And then looked at those skills and then was able to find some options for me to look at. I was ver pleased with the results. They even gave me a book about the careers and what the demand was and the pay rates and so on. So that was very helpful too. Your school should have one about your state. Just some ideas.

I felt lost before I went there...and now things just seem better becasue I have an idea of the direction I want to go in life. Who ever told you that you would know what you want to do for the rest of your life, when you were a senior in high school is lying! Everyone is different.

[pappyld04]

Em, as much as I hate to point this out it seems that this was very one-sided. I would bet that he wanted to be single when he went to Burning Man that way he avoids any responsibility for his actions while he is there. And it seems to be a pattern when you aren't there with him. We've seen your pix and you should have no trouble finding a man. But you must break this rut or you will end up right back in it with someone else just like him!

[ohshelly]

Honey, as hard as it is, don't respond to him, please.

He is playing control games with you, and you are to smart for that.

Most of us have been in your place once or twice, so we know how confused he is making you.

Look in the mirror, put your chin up and tell yourself he is not worth it.

Whitefang has some good advise for you. Think about what she said, alright?

[pappyld04]

Whether this looks good or bad upon myself I can tell you that you wouldn't walk by me without a second look!

[Guest eminatic]

yeah i guess you guys are probably right. i guess its a good thing that he'll be out of reach for a week to force me to get by without talking to him everyday. the last time he dumped me everyone told me i should cut off contact with him and not remain friends with him or this is exactly what would happen. i guess i've just been single for all my life i didnt want to give up the thought of someone finally being attracted to me.

i'm not as COMPLETELY devastated as i was the last time he dumped me..i think that might have been due to the fact that i literally JUST moved here, did not know a soul, didnt have a job...i think i was still sleeping on the floor because my stuff hadn't arrived yet.

for the past few days i couldnt stand to look at myself in the mirror. i know that deep down he's really a good person and i'll never find someone else that fits as perfectly with me as he did. yet a small part of me just feels tired and annoyed that he dumped me...

oh, today was the first day of school but now that i think of it i never said a word to either the teachers or my classmates, everyone just pissed me off. one of my classes had that thing where everyone introduces themselves/their interests but i was skipped over and didnt feel like going anyway so i didnt say anything lol...

[synirr]

i know that deep down he's really a good person...

I gotta be honest with you, nothing I've ever seen you say about the guy on this forum or the other EVER gave me that impression, and infact a lot of it has given me exactly the opposite. I don't know him personally of course, but I'd be willing to bet money that his motivations are a lot more underhanded than you know or are willing to admit to yourself. Don't fall for it. This guy raped you. He stole your virginity, and he has been using you ever since. Even if he cares about you, he has been hurting you and he would KNOW that if he had been watching and really had your best interests at heart. Do you really think he didn't notice the tears? Please.

I'm willing to bet his self-esteem is low, so he targeted a nice quiet girl who would let him walk all over her and posed no threat of rejection. You.

I've dated scum before, I know the red flags when I see them now, and I hope for your sake that you learn them, too. Don't let this happen to you again, please... you are worth more. You are not a possession. You can make your own decisions and your own demands in a relationship, and you WILL meet more guys if you put yourself out there. Try to be more outgoing. I always thought I was an ugly duckling too, but as it turns out, sometimes you have to actually go out and meet people yourself. You're beautiful, intelligent, and you have a unique look... trust me, that's an intimidating (but intoxicating!) combination for a lot of guys.

[Guest eminatic]

well i thought i'd post an update.

today was the second day of school, but the first day for the classes im taking. i was a little disappointed because all my classes yesterday were filled with highschool dropouts and jocks, no different than highschool. but today my first class was honors world literature. i was expecting a small class (i had this teacher's honors english last semester and there was a total of 6 students including myself- all girls) and i was right- a whopping seven student turn out. but it was ALL guys...and hot guys too. make that hot, intelligent guys unfortunately the teacher decided that she didnt like the schedule that was in the course catalog and changed it so that we only have class once every 2 weeks

also another friend from culinary school back in California is in town going to the university of Las Vegas. coincidentally he was friends with my ex back in culinary school although they dont talk anymore. (apparently i guess he originally liked me, and told my ex about it, and then i guess my ex made a move on me first lol) he's offered to coach me on how to talk to guys lol XD plus its easier to talk to him since he knows my ex and knows what im talking about. although when i told him everything he just kind of shook his head and said "man, i guess he's just messed up in the head."

i really do think that deep down my ex is a good person but just has difficulty communicating (i know he doesnt sound like it but its kind of hard to put into words...you'd have to see him in person to get it). i wish i could stay friends with him but i see now that if i do then the same thing will happen again. at least not until i've gotten settled with someone else..