Food For Thought...

[pappyld04]

Sun I can't neccessarily answer your question but I do think it is important for you to have confidence enough to post questions that you feel are important. Most likely someone else either hasn't joined yet or isn't confident enough to ask this very thing! You do a great job of bringing up things that many never have!

[sun_flower969]

I'm sorry your husband had this problem, Sun. If he was replacing porn with real sex, then I can absolutely see why you would hate it. Porn CAN become an addiction, just like anything else. I'm glad that he was able to see that it was really causing a problem, and is taking steps to make sure that it's not a problem anymore.

Well he wasn't replacing it but it was compulsive and like he couldn't go without it, like a drug, needing more and stronger medicine if you KWIM. He always felt like he was missing something in his life because he had never experienced things you see in pornos. He had only ever slept with 1 other girl before me. His Dad is very macho and had many many affairs on his mom. He felt he needed to do these things to make him more of a man. After going through counseling he is seeing things clearly. Truly he is like a different man!

Thanks everyone! I feel like I lit a bonfire! I REALLY appreciate everyone here!

[Tyger]

Well he wasn't replacing it but it was compulsive and like he couldn't go without it, like a drug, needing more and stronger medicine if you KWIM. He always felt like he was missing something in his life because he had never experienced things you see in pornos. He had only ever slept with 1 other girl before me. His Dad is very macho and had many many affairs on his mom. He felt he needed to do these things to make him more of a man. After going through counseling he is seeing things clearly. Truly he is like a different man!

Thanks everyone! I feel like I lit a bonfire! I REALLY appreciate everyone here!

It definitely sounds like he was becoming addicted to porn. I'm glad he's been able to stop.

You also brought up a great point. Many men think that the more women they sleep with, the more "manly/macho" they are. This is SO not the case. Any man can fuck, but it takes a true gentleman to make love. Just because you have a lot of "notches" on the belt, doesn't make you a better lover either. The more you're willing to learn and listen to your lovers, the better you will ever be than a man that's slept with a thousand women!!

Please don't ever think that just because you have a different opinion, that you should keep it to yourself. If YOU find it important, and forum appropriate, then POST AWAY darlin'!!

[sun_flower969]

It definitely sounds like he was becoming addicted to porn. I'm glad he's been able to stop.

You also brought up a great point. Many men think that the more women they sleep with, the more "manly/macho" they are. This is SO not the case. Any man can fuck, but it takes a true gentleman to make love. Just because you have a lot of "notches" on the belt, doesn't make you a better lover either. The more you're willing to learn and listen to your lovers, the better you will ever be than a man that's slept with a thousand women!!

Please don't ever think that just because you have a different opinion, that you should keep it to yourself. If YOU find it important, and forum appropriate, then POST AWAY darlin'!!

Definitely! and thanks again!

[Amylynn920]

We've never had an issue with porn, so I'm not qualified. But I will be the odd person out here. I lived with my ex who was an alcoholic for 21 years and no amount of bargaining and promises would ever work if the person really did not want to change themselves.

Gsk looks at porn, most men do. And most women. To ask him to to give up something he truly enjoys because of my insecurities? No way.

I don't censor what he watches, reads and I don't expect him to.censor me either. I think most people that look at porn are just sexual beings. I don't get jealous over something in print or on a screen. It's not real life. He's not out with another woman. He's having his own personal time.

And I personally don't believe in bargaining for sexual "favors" sex is a gift, you willingly share with another. Not a bargaining point.

Because if you start doing that, I think the person you're "bargaining" with, is doing it to either shut the other person up and/or gain a favor.

Sex should not be a bargaining process imo.

What makes me curious is how many people that say they have given up porn really have? Are they being totally honest?

Gsk gave me male insight and said that he and most men he knew would probably tell their women they have, but as MM and Mikayla have stated, men watch porn simply because they can, and they love looking at naked women.

[square]

"What if your wife agreed to give you oral sex regularly (or whatever sexual thing you have been craving) but in return you had to promise to never, (NEVER) view porn again. Could you do it? Would you consider it? Would you sneak it?"

I could, but I don't think I would. I think I would view such a bargain as overly controlling. I don't even watch porn that much; it is the principle of such a bargain that bugs me. If she just said, "please don't watch porn cause it bugs me THIIISS much," I might be more receptive to giving it up.

Even then, what would be next? Am I supposed to quit perusing Victoria Secret and Newport News catalogues when they arrive in the mail? Cast my gaze to the ground whenever a pretty girl is in view? I'm a guy; I look; I always have and always will. And always would no matter how hot my wife or girlfriend was.

Also, if oral (or whatever else) is something she is willing to do, either because she likes it or enjoys pleasing me, then she should just do it. If she isn't willing, she shouldn't have to. Sex (or certain acts) should not be an obligation; that would take a lot of the fun and enjoyment out of it. But likewise, they should not be reserved as bargaining chips.

As a younger man, I might have been more willing agree to such a deal, and in general to bend over backwards for a gal; but right now, I feel like I've sacrificed an awful lot for my family for the past 10+ years; don't take away what simple pleasures I have, especially if I view them as fairly harmless.

(Now, there's a certain amount of hypotheticalness to these answers. My wife doesn't care if I look at porn; watches it herself, probably more than me; likes giving oral, etc. I don't see us ever getting divorced. So I'm partly trying to imagine as if she did have a problem with porn, and partly thinking in terms of if she were to kick-off and I were to start dating a new girl.)

[Amylynn920]

"What if your wife agreed to give you oral sex regularly (or whatever sexual thing you have been craving) but in return you had to promise to never, (NEVER) view porn again. Could you do it? Would you consider it? Would you sneak it?"

I could, but I don't think I would. I think I would view such a bargain as overly controlling. I don't even watch porn that much; it is the principle of such a bargain that bugs me. If she just said, "please don't watch porn cause it bugs me THIIISS much," I might be more receptive to giving it up.

Even then, what would be next? Am I supposed to quit perusing Victoria Secret and Newport News catalogues when they arrive in the mail? Cast my gaze to the ground whenever a pretty girl is in view? I'm a guy; I look; I always have and always will. And always would no matter how hot my wife or girlfriend was.

Also, if oral (or whatever else) is something she is willing to do, either because she likes it or enjoys pleasing me, then she should just do it. If she isn't willing, she shouldn't have to. Sex (or certain acts) should not be an obligation; that would take a lot of the fun and enjoyment out of it. But likewise, they should not be reserved as bargaining chips.

As a younger man, I might have been more willing agree to such a deal, and in general to bend over backwards for a gal; but right now, I feel like I've sacrificed an awful lot for my family for the past 10+ years; don't take away what simple pleasures I have, especially if I view them as fairly harmless.

(Now, there's a certain amount of hypotheticalness to these answers. My wife doesn't care if I look at porn; watches it herself, probably more than me; likes giving oral, etc. I don't see us ever getting divorced. So I'm partly trying to imagine as if she did have a problem with porn, and partly thinking in terms of if she were to kick-off and I were to start dating a new girl.)

Perfectly stated and ty.

[ManofHerdreams]

Excellent topic Sun.

Thanks for posting this!

Man

[sun_flower969]

We've never had an issue with porn, so I'm not qualified. But I will be the odd person out here. I lived with my ex who was an alcoholic for 21 years and no amount of bargaining and promises would ever work if the person really did not want to change themselves.

Gsk gave me male insight and said that he and most men he knew would probably tell their women they have, but as MM and Mikayla have stated, men watch porn simply because they can, and they love looking at naked women.

The question was, IF YOU had a problem with it, would he stop. You don't so this point is moot. Although you are right on about how the person has to WANT to change or it will never happen.

The point your husband made is a sad one yet probably the case sometimes. Its not about bargaining or gaining sexual favors. Its about harmony and meeting both partners needs, fixing both peoples issues and coming to an agreement that satisfies both partners.

I received a lot of answers to this topic. I still think that maybe some people don't get my point, Rushing to give their opinion instead of answering the actual question. Maybe there aren't a lot of people on this forum who can relate which is fine. I am not sure how I could have worded it differently. Anyway I received a personal message from a regular member here. Rather than responding and airing their private business they told me that they could TOTALLY relate and that this exact thing did happen in their marriage. One partner did not keep their promise though and it is not who you think! Why someone would break a promise that was made for the sake of saving their marriage really baffles me! Maybe it is taken too lightly or maybe the person who breaks the promise just doesn't care enough. That IMO is heartbreaking...