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So Timid And Getting Worse!


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Hi there

As a teenager I was very very interested in sex and mastubated and fantasised regularly although always felt guilty. I have had a great sex life with my husband of four years but after having my son (2 yrs ago), dificult birth and depression I am now finding the following issues. I have no idea where to start resloving! Help!

1. Sexual shyness/ timidness of showing nakedness (anytime except in front of my toddler) especially genitals (feels very childlike, so shy that close eyes and light off during sex and tense up when touched). Some positions (eg: me on top) too confronting as more of my body is exposed. Also self conscious about weight.

2. Difficulty relaxing and enjoying most sexual stimulation (mostly due to above as well as unable to “go within” and shut out the mundane outside world – used to be able to do when drunk but no longer drink)

3. Tension, mild panic and mild repulsion if DH attempts oral sex. Paranoid about the look, taste and smell of vagina. Never allow myself to enjoy as panic turns me off and DH senses tension.

4. Can never orgasm with any stimulation other than intercourse (ie: cannot relax and enjoy oral or manual stimulation except if totally alone)

5. Can orgasm easily on own but always feel like have to hide the fact that I enjoy it and feel immediately silly and guilty afterwards.

6. Can never seem to tune my fantasy imaginative mind into my actual mindset whilst attempting sex

Strange one: Can never sleep naked because wake in the night conscious that my vagina could be exposed and “someone” might see (and I get cold too)



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Hi Dragonfly Girl.

I think that Howard may be right, and you may be still experiencing a little of your post-partem depression. However, it sounds like there is a lot of different issues going on here as well. How is your relationship with the hubby? Is he helpful with your son? Does he help you around the house, help with your stress load? How is he about your weight gain - does he make comments? Is he negative?

Girl - we have all got to be our own personal Goddess! We have to feel good about whatever state our body is in! If we have put on weight - especially if we just had a baby -and we want to take it off - then we have to work at it! Exercise is one of the best ways to feel horny - and it is good for you! You should get on a nice routine - take walks outside with your son in the stroller - go to the park, run around. You will feel better and while you are working at the weight loss - FEEL GOOD about yourself! You should be happy with YOU no matter what!

You had a baby pass through your vagina...you may have some issues about seeing that as a "sexual organ" again. Honey, it IS a sexual organ - and believe me, your man wants to be down there pleasuring you! LET HIM! I know it seems hard to do, but if you feel unclean or "smelly" - which I am sure you aren't - then wash up before sex. You will know you are clean and can relax a little about it.

As for the self-stim - why not incorporate it into your everyday lovemaking? Have the best of both worlds - have sex and finger yourself! Then, you will get off and have sex. You should NEVER feel guilty for masturbation or for self-pleasure - that is self-defeating - perhaps you just needed to hear it. You can touch yourself - alone or when your man is having sex with you. Do what feels good, when it feels good.

The sleeping naked one is easy to explain: You are a "Mom" now - and you have a child. I get this. I don't sleep naked anymore. My son is 4 -and he comes in our room at night unannounced. I gave it up to be a good mom who doesn't lock her door at night so her son can come in (at least, I feel like a good Mom doing that!) So no worries about that one - it is your Mommy mentality.

So, honey...just try to loosen up, relax, enjoy your life with your hubby. If for some reason this gets worse, go see a DR, he or she can give you something for the panic! Babies are stress..sometimes we need some help!


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  • Newbie

Thanks for your replies.

I am being treated for depression already, so hopefully things will get better with the extra exercise I am doing.

I actually had a very traumatic birth that lead to an emergency c-section, so nothing managed to get through my vagina.... Have had loads of counselling and am satisfied that I resolved my grief. Feel so much better about myself in general and am losing weight.

Relationship with DH is wonderful. We have a fanastic marriage and he helps heaps. Sex is "nice" but usually routine and brief. I don't bet extremely turned on and I am never very interested to begin with.

Just don't understand why I am SO timid about my vagina??!! I should have pointed out that I have NEVER been very relaxed about it. Sex was great before birth, but the vagina issue has always been there. As I said any really hot raunchy sex where I let lose totally (including all oral sex etc..) was when lots of alcohol was involved...!!!

Thanks again


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