Special Days

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My wife seems to have a knack for pissing me off leading up to Christmas, Valentine's day, our anniversary, her birthday, and Mother's day.

Wondered if others notice that sort of thing about their spouses?

It's tough to act all sweet and lovey-dovey on those days when I'm PO-ed at her.

(This latest incarnation is over money, with Christmas a week away. I'm the one who thinks it is important to save and live within our means, while she could care less if we were a million bucks in debt.

She has run-up thousands of dollars on the credit cards the past couple of months for Christmas gifts. While I am happy she does the bulk of the shopping, I am alarmed at how much she has spent this year, and I am dismayed that she will not consult me before getting the bigger ticket items.

After the last round of bills came in [over $2000]], I asked, "is that it, are you done now? Yes? OK, put the credit cards down and don't use them again for 6 months." OK, she says. Then she goes out a couple of days later in runs up more charges. They weren't big charges, but to me, it is still just big "Fuck You, hubby, I'll do whatever i want, and I don't care about your concerns." She just doesn't get it how easily this stuff adds up, and as the main bread winner of the family, I'm the one who has to balance the books at the end of the day and figure out how to pay for everything, and I've done my share foregoing getting things for myself 'cause we didn't have the money for it. But of course if I say anything, then I am the stingy, cheapskate, unappreciative bastard in her eyes.

Usually I bite my tongue or simmer down after a couple of days for the sake of peace and harmony and the best interests of the family, but this time I am royally peeved. Of all our squabbles, this is also the first time she has slept downstairs on the couch.

Which leads to another question: at what point does one head off to the marriage councelor?

[Well, hope that doesn't come off as too much of a "Wah wah wah, being-a-crybaby-over-nuthin'" post. ] )

[Tyger]

Sounds like a dual responsibility issue here to me.

First, she is TOTALLY wrong for going and spending all that money when you've told her to stop. However, you have some responsibility here too. Accountability darlin'. You KNOW she's like this, and you KNOW she does this stuff, yet, you continue to allow her the credit cards. Cancel it. Take it away, lock it up where she can't get to it and tell her that you can't keep doing this. She's disrespected you on not listening, and not caring about the debt. If she's going to act like a rebellious teenager, she needs to be shown so, and "punished".

FYI, Poon's going thru a divorce, & will sound very bitter, however, he's right in the fact that, unless you do something drastic, she's NOT going to change, not without some drastic measures. Why should she? You've let her get away with this sort of behavior before. And, IF, big IF here, you decide to divorce, guess who's stuck with the bills, especially where you're the main bread-winner?

PLUS, you said that you are grateful she does the majority of the holiday shopping. So, knowing how she is, and what she does, and that it will probably piss you off, you continue to allow her to do this? Well, go do some shopping yourself! I mean, if she can't reign in her spending because she HAS to do the shopping, if you reign her in and do some of it yourself, then that's one less excuse for her to spend the money. Also, why not spread out the holiday shopping? I have 2 storage boxes for when I do the shopping, ALL YEAR long. I pick up a thing or 2 here, a thing or 2 there, clearance stuff, and great finds. Then I store them. Come December 1st, I check to see what I have, and usually, only need to spend just a tad to catch up. That way, it doesn't hit me all at once. This year, we had to just concentrate on our daughters since one needs a minor surgery, and shipping charges just can't be done (most of my family lives up North). Even Christmas cards have been downgraded.

If she DOES have to have one credit card, get her one with a set balance. JUST ONE. Let her know that the spending has gotta stop, get the other cards, and tell her that if this card gets maxed out, that's IT, no more, no other cards. Tell her that with this economy, everyone's having to watch their wallets, and that things need to be capped.

Check your credit scores. You can do this periodically, which you should. But, you can also see what cards are under your SS#. If she gets sneaky and gets a card under your SS#, this is a violation of trust, and a very common one with many women. I'm a woman, I can say that! LMAO My step-mother had 4 credit cards under my father's name, when they were married, that he had NO clue about! Until the divorce came, and the bills had to be itemized. His signature was very easy to forge. And, if banks that you deal with, are use to her forging the signature, they won't think twice about allowing her to do this.

Not ALL women do this. I've had credit cards, and screwed up my OWN credit when I lost my job. But *I* fixed it too. I could get lots of credit cards in my hubby's name. I can forge his signature really well. However, I don't do this. It's a violation of trust. His last ex-wife screwed his credit over big time. Women CAN understand how to live within the family's means. I'm actually the one that tears up the credit card applications. I don't want them! We can't pay for any extra right now.

When my hubby asks me not to spend any extra, I don't. Plain and simple. He's not so great about it however. Some people just suck with money. Not JUST women. I'm not the BEST with credit, however, but not bad with money itself. I know this, and I know my hubby would suck with a credit card, so I discourage it profusely! I save us about $40-60 each time the grocery shopping needs to be done, by shopping around for the best deals, comparison shop, and take advantage of price matching. It's more time consuming, but it's worth the effort! Just because you HAVE the money, doesn't mean you need to spend it, IMO.

Many women get use to a certain "life-style", and when that sort of spending goes down, and you just can't do it, they think of it as some sort of failure in status, and some just can't handle it. It's a "bad thing" in their eyes. So, they continue to spend as they always did, and then are shocked when the creditors come and start suing or taking things away.

But, they CAN learn, but it's hard to get them to do so, and, it takes A LOT of effort. If it's a major issue in your marriage, I'd suggest a credit counselor. Or a marriage counselor that has strong therapies in money handling. Money issues really ARE one of the biggest things that couples fight over, so, you're not alone.

Best wishes, and good luck.

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Thanks for the replies. Between these, the venting with my first post, and talking with the Mrs. today, things are de-fusing. She thinks that except for a couple of big items that were unique for this year, what she spent is in line considering all the kids, nieces, nephews, outlaws, and a couple of friends that she buys for. Next year we will work together on who we need to buy for and how much to budget (I wanted to this year but she got off to an early start, said she was almost done, but then wasn't really almost done at all). And the few things she got after my CEASE AND DESIST order were necessary to balance gifts among the nieces/nephews in order to avoid a petty family feud amongst their parental units; and I would have gone along with all that, but by not being in the loop it came across as a spit in the face.

In her defense, generally she's a pretty good egg, and we mostly get along pretty well. She's not nearly as bad with money as some people, and has been pretty good about it for some time. I'm sure my own shit doesn't smell like ice cream either, even if I don't notice it myself. She doesn't need $300 designer hand bags or fancy outfits, and is pretty good with scoring hand-me-downs for the kids (whereas some parents we know who are struggling a lot more than we ever were can't possibly let their kids wear anything but new threads with designer labels).

I've tried taking the CC away in the past. She just grabbed the check book instead. If I clamp down too much, my fear is she'd go get her own credit card, keep it secret, and run up a fat debt. At least the way it is now, I can keep tabs on what gets bought, grumble if it gets too much, and make sure they get paid off. I also don't want to become an intolerable micromanaging control freak.

Besides, whose money is it, anyway? Even though I am the bread winner, isn't it really "our" money since we're married? Do I get to be a dictator on how it's spent just because I earned it? On the other hand, the wife could do a better job at letting me know what she's up to. (And like Tyger says, I can be more involved with the Christmas shopping so I have a better idea of where things stand.)

Is money a major marital issue for us? Money used to be a lot tighter than it is now; probably now most of our issues stem from differences in what we think is important. So, while money isn't so tight now, I've got things I want it for (part of that as savings) that I haven't been able to do for most of our marriage. But now my plans take a back seat in order to recup from this Christmas spending, which is more important to her. And when I think the spending is done and I'm ready to get back on course with my plans, she spends a little more. "ARRGH! You're killing me, woman!" (Am I being a crybaby yet?)

In the end, our squabbles seem par for the course for married folk. I know very few married people who don't grumble about their spouses, and with the ones who don't grumble, you can usually cox at least hints of grumbling out of them if your push the right buttons.

And while I don't think we'll head down the divorce road, I do sometimes wonder if we'd ever cross some threshold during one of these stews and head toward that road. And that I would hope to avoid.

[ladylove]

Glad to read things have simmered down., but here is a small suggestion. Why don't you sit down with Mrs. after New Years, maybe way after and make a budget for The next X-mas holiday. That way you can put away money each month in order to cover the bills, and you'll know exactly what to expect. In addition, if you do put the $$ aside, she can pay with cash, and you won't have any extra bills. Just a suggestion.

[ohshelly]

Alright, guys, I know I am going to take some heat for this, but this is the way things are in our house, and I am fine with it.

We both work, although my SO makes about twice as much as I do.

We discuss the bills, both look at them, and talk about what is needed in the coming weeks. (fuel oil, animal feed, etc)

He never spends money foolishly, and I am a 'cheap and easy' kind of girl. I don't need STUFF.

My motto is "use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without" We live a nice life, but without a lot of frills.

We make our own fun (wink!)

In my past life (with the ex) we had material wealth, lots of stuff and all the extras.

I don't miss it. My life has more meaning living simply with a man I respect and love.

I know he values my opinion, loves our life together, and will do his best for our family.

I know what I mean to him, too. He tells me every day. That is worth more then anything he could buy for me.

Sweetguy takes care of the money and pays the bills, but I am always consulted.

Poon, all women are not the same, just as all men aren't the same.

I know you think I'm full of c%*p right now, but I don't mind.

You have been badly hurt and deserve your anger.

She is out there, tho, and when you two find each other,

I won't even say I told you so!! You are going to be happy again one day,

that is a promise!!

I am glad things are working our for you, square. We all have those moments of ARRRUUUGGGHHH!