Craftylady

Hi Mikayla, I'll go check out your article. It didn't occur to me that might be covered. I don't think I could do the waxing. For one thing, my entire pubic area was damaged by radiation and the skin is more tender than normal. Maybe in a year or so? I could ask the radiation nurses if they have a recommendation on that. I can't imagine how painful that must be, though. I always cringe when I read about waxing that area

I got me two pairs of those lacy hipsters this week. Beige and Rose to match my new Miracle Bras They are on sale 3 for $30 right now. HTH.

Glad to be of service I've browsed the store site for quite a few hours this past couple of weeks. It's been fun and educational!

Hi Stu, Actually, he didn't have to think long about the Pandora, it was the jelly masturbator he said he didn't think he needed. Homophobia? Possibly to a very small personal degree, but he's not rabid about it, and I don't think that entered his mind. I used to work for an openly gay couple (men), actually worked out of their home, running their business, and he never had a problem with that, or with them personally. He seems pretty open-minded (to me) for this early in the game as far as toys go. We played around more tonight with the egg, and he actually said "I can't wait to try that other toy you ordered for me!". In fact, he set up a nice little scene in front of a fire with candles in the living room - something we haven't done in about 3 yrs. It was all his idea. This is progress So beads, eh? I guess I'll put that on my list next! Thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks Brandy. Did you know they sell Coochie Cream here? http://shop.tootimid.com/misc-lubricants.aspx I have some on the way. I sure hope it helps!

Ack. Need help!!!! I've never shaved below before, although I think I had it done years ago for a surgery. I recall it being slightly itchy as the hair regrew but nothing major. Well, I discovered after I lost "all" my hair during chemo and radiation that I really enjoy that smooth hairless feeling. So a few days ago I shaved what has regrown. OH WOW can you say itch???? It's driving me nuts. It's gotten a bit better today but geez. Is this the price I pay? Or is my reaction perhaps over the top right now due to extra-sensitive skin from the radiation? And are there products you ladies use or can recommend to deal with the itching?

We were just beginning to get to it, and I rolled over from being partially on top of him while we played and smooched, to flat on my back on the bed. He then rolled on top of me. I felt this funny sort of poking sting right between my shoulder blades and for a second I thought "What the heck? We must have a splinter caught in the sheets somehow!" but within seconds, the little sting began to burn fiercely and suddenly I was in pain! I pushed him off, yelling "OW OW OW!!!! Something is stinging me on my back!" And sure enough, a yellowjacket had been there on the mattress, between the sheets apparently, and I rolled over right on top of it. We still laugh about that. My husband said the look of shock on my face was priceless. I'm sure it was. Wasn't funny at the time though - boy that hurt!

I've brought this subject up again a couple times lately. I told him what I did the first time I went downstairs about 4:30 am wondering why the TV was on and he hadn't come up to bed (he used to work nights). I told him how I was so turned on that I did myself while I watched him, and almost fell down when I came. Of course, he was so involved, he never had a clue that I was watching. I think this may have changed his mind about possibly letting me catch him at it sometime. I also openly asked him a couple nights ago when was the last time he masturbated. And he said "Oh a couple weeks ago. On the couch while you were still asleep one morning." I told him that was HOT!!!! And I invited him to next time he felt horny like that, why not come on back up to bed and start with himself and let me wake up and join him. That nothing would make me hotter faster than that. We'll see.....

You're just normal!! The clitoris is your equivalent to his penis. Think of it that way. Can you imagine a guy trying to have an orgasm without direct stimulation to his penis? I don't THINK so. So we ladies do have a couple ways to reach orgasm, but IMO (no, I'm no Sexpert but pretty well experienced older lady) it almost always centers around stimulation of our clit. Just the way we are built. The reason those guys didn't get it is because they didn't know. You probably didn't realize you have the freedom and right (and responsibility, really) to explain it to them, to show them what you need and what you like. I totally agree with what Mikayla and Suzy said. Relax a bit and enjoy your time. Get to know your body intimately. Learn what you like. Then, the next relationship you have, you can show him exactly what you like and what it takes to bring you to orgasm. My best to you.

Oh I don't know....how about . . . Insatiable!

Well, I showed him the Pandora and told him my thoughts about it. He said "go for it" I showed him a couple other men's anal toys and he wasn't interested. I think he's a little scared at this point, LOL. I also suggested a beaded jelly masturbator that MM (Mikayla's husband?) reviewed (quite humorously) and told him I thought it sounded like fun. At first he said "I don't need that!!" I said "Um...this little shopping trip isn't about "need", it's about spicing up your life and trying new things". "Oh well, ok then."

And now, to answer the OP. I guess the best way to answer this is, right now, I'd do it every day. Seeing as my husband is 58 now, and since he's traditionally been the one to initiate sex in our marriage, and we were only doing it about twice a month, honestly? I really thought that his interest was waning. I'd say 2-3 times per month has been our average over the past few years. Then I found out he was masturbating a fair amount. And then I got my testosterone normalized. And then when my cancer treatments stopped and I began to heal up enough to think about sex (we had a 5 month hiatus in which we couldn't do much at all), it's like something came alive in me. I've been doing a good bit of reading (any suggestions for some good sex books, btw?) and relearning what men want and need. Now that my libido seems to have caught up (I tell him "Well honey....remember how you felt when you were 16 and wanted to do it 5 times a day???") it's like I'm wanting to make up for lost time. In fact, because we still need to work on communication skills, and because I CAN'T STAND not knowing if we're going to do it or not any given night, last night I finally asked him how many date nights per week he'd like to agree on and I was expecting him to say 2. I wanted 4-5 and we settled on 3 "with options". Yeah, I got that idea from one of those books

YES.

There's only one thing I take issue with in that article, and it's not surprising, as it's authored by someone in the main medical establishment. And that is that testosterone can indeed completely revolutionize a woman's sex drive without endangering her health, as long as it's given based on labs, and bio-identical forms are used. I always had a really high drive. But after my surgical menopause at age 46, and with 3 yrs of anti-depressants, along with serious marriage issues, it dropped to almost nothing most of the time. I missed it SO much. Once my marriage got headed back in the right direction, and I began taking more interest in my own health issues and learned that it isn't necessary for women to just accept the waning libido of age (and menopause), things really turned around for me, and for us. I read Suzanne Sommer's book "Ageless" and found a local doctor who does just bio-identical hormone replacement for men and women. I feel like I'm 20 again, sexually. At a time in life when most women might be just giving up, I'm enjoying sex more than I ever have. I feel sorry for my friends who talk about how dismal their sex lives have gotten. And surprisingly enough, it's revolutionized my marriage in every other way - whoda thunk it after 20 yrs? Not that I think the ladies (or men) hanging around here have problems like this, but if you know someone who does, you might share this link with her: http://www.hormonebalance.org/. This is my doctor and she's fabulous.

I added an update in another post, but I wanted to also update here. I'm doing much better, and healing pretty well. I can tell that the stenosis is a battle I will fight for a long time to come. But the cure is getting much easier. We've successfully had full intercourse several times now, and it gets a bit easier each time with plenty of lubrication. We've learned to be very playful, open and communicative about pleasuring each other, which after 20 years of marriage is a wonder. We're going away in 2 weeks for a second honeymoon (our 21st anniversary) and I predict it's going to be the hottest time ever!

I think this is a direction my husband wants to go in next. We've never done any anal play. But with the bullet last time, I moved it way down into his "taint" area and even lower, and asked how it felt. He said awesome. We're going shopping tonight at TT online for more toys, so I want to suggest one for him. Based on some reviews I have the Pandora in my wish list

We have a distorted view of what we should look like thanks to the media. We are our own worst enemy!

Apparently, my husband would agree. I also dislike my nekkid body. I'm at least 35 lbs overweight, although I still have an hourglass shape. My butt's way too big, and my tummy will never be flat again, but he woo-hoos every time he catches me coming out of the shower or dressing. I used to think he was just buttering me up for later, but he's still doing it even after 21 yrs of marriage, kids, and cancer, so I guess he sees me differently than I see myself.

Both, yes, 100% of the time. Or at least let me say I can't recall the last time one of us "missed". And I'd have to say we're about equal with giving and receiving, too. Reading back over some of the replies, I guess I should be counting my blessings

Oh and I wanted to add, I am using the lube I got from here, called Liquid Silk and it's the nicest lube I've ever used yet. Reminds me, I'd best order more soon!

Leslieanne, that is GREAT! I really do appreciate the detailed answer. It's exactly what I needed. The how-tos. What nobody has told me even up til now is how critical it is to begin using the dilators, and use them conscientiously. I really thought it was something I could sort of do ""hit or miss. Now I'm beginning to realize I might have completely lost my ability to have intercourse had I not started when I did, and even more convinced now that I've read your reply. Yes, it would be easy to throw in the towel. I've been through a lot of pain in that area (which continues to some extent - just part of the healing of radiation damage) and it's a bit tough when you are finally having some degree of comfort to willingly put yourself back into some discomfort again. But again, when I consider the cost, it's worth it. I'm glad you explained that it needn't be a painful process, and I also appreciate from your post that I must be patient and diligent with the exercises and not expect overnight miracles. I'm only 53 and my husband and I enjoyed a reasonably good sex life before the cancer. Add to that the fact that I'm having the testosterone pellets again, and my libido is fully engaged....well, the spirit is willing but the body just ain't quite caught back up yet And SuzyP, thank you What a kind and sweet post.

Thank you :-) But I've asked - both the OB/GYN (female) and my radiation oncologist (male). They told me to get the dilators, and where, but nothing on using them, except when to start and how important it was. I could make appointments, and pay to go back and ask some more questions, but I don't really think that's what I want right now. What I really need is some feminine advice from someone who has "BTDT", you know? I was hoping someone here might know of a good support forum - because I haven't found one yet.

Thanks, MsLayD. I'm having some issues now which I posted about in another thread. I'm hoping our resident experts (or leslieanne who's a doctor, right?) can reply there. I'm hoping OP and his wife are working things out.

I haven't found a site or forum yet where I can get detailed, good info, but I'm hoping someone here is aware of one. Backstory: I finished chemo and radiation 2 months ago tomorrow (anal cancer). One of the side effects is severe radiation burns to the entire genital area. I had them badly and I'm still recovering/healing. I'm getting the beginnings of vaginal stenosis, and although I bought a set of dilators, I really don't know how I'm supposed to use them. The sites that sell them talk about other problems, but not radiation-induced stenosis. My problem right now is, sex is impossible. We've tried a couple times, and no go. I think I'm supposed to use these dilators several times a day to stretch the vaginal canal again, and it's getting more painful each time I try, so I know I'm not doing something right. Now I'm worried that the scarring is going to get ahead of me if I don't do something right away. Any advice?

Just a bit of advice and concern from someone going through this (from your wife's perspective): I'm popping back in here after a long absence. And it was due to finding out I had anal cancer. Same thing Farrah Fawcett had and died of. I just finished my chemo and radiation treatments in June. I'm still waiting for things to heal up, but let me tell you, the chemoradiation did a NUMBER on me. My DH has been very patient, but there have been several times that we just couldn't stand it. We've gotten *very creative* to ensure that he's getting his pleasure needs met, and that always helps me, too. Please be patient and loving with her while she heals. Cancer does things to your entire body and your mind. I'm guessing she may have had pelvic radiation as I did? That's the worst. In fact I was warned I might lose my sexual ability for life. I'd already had a hysterectomy in 2001, so I knew a couple years ago I needed hormonal help. So, fortunately, I was already seeing a bio-identical hormone doctor, and once I was done with the treatments, she told me to get in for a new testosterone pellet and refill on my estrogen creams. Not only does the testosterone restore my libido completely, it also turns out the best therapy to make you heal from pelvic radiation is sex hormones! This is documented by a Dr. named Judith Wolf of MD Anderson, btw. Leslieanne's post is excellent advice. This can be a time of increased intimacy for you both, as you show her your love, concern and tenderness. We have learned to be far more open about our bodies and our needs as a result of my own illness, and that is continuing right now through my recovery.