Low Sex Drive, Or Something Else?

[Smile4Me]

Ok, so I decided to start a new topic with my situation after reading Mikayla's post about the husband whose wife refused him sex. I'm going through a similar situation that I've began to talk about with Ladylove (TY!) in another thread, and I'd like some more opinions about it. Hubby and I have been married 5 years, we married at 18. He's 24 now, and I'm 23, and we hardly EVER have sex with each other. I've tried everything. Dressing up, 3somes, you name it, changing it up just isn't helping. It's been getting less and less often beginning about 2 1/2-3 yrs ago. I've spoken to a Therapist, we both have actually. He admits that he has little to no desire for sex, and not just with me, with anyone. He seems to have some ego problems as far as sex is concerned. I'm slightly difficult to orgasm, with him at least. He seems to think this is something personal, but I feel it's only because he is so straight to business. I've told him this several times.

He refuses to take things slower so that I get turned on. A boob grab and then sticking it in just doesn't work for me. So he just gives up all together? I do my best to guide him with compassion. We have sex maybe once or twice a month now...and that just isn't cutting it for me. It's never very eventful either. We have an open sex life (we occasionally meet other couples). Even that doesn't encourage him anymore, not like it used to anyway. I don't want to be unfaithful to my husband, but I'm tired of being rejected. I've asked if he trust me enough to find a no-strings-attached boyfriend and he refuses. He's become especially jealous lately when we see other couples, to the point that he's rejecting their wives as well (and these are friends we've had for a very long time!). I'm so bored sexually, and frustrated. I'm understanding of his feelings....but he can't expect me to let these issues go on without some sort of outlet. I just want some insight.

HELP!

[mnjon]

At the age of 24 and 23 I would hope that you guys were going at it like rabbits on a hot summer day, but this doesn't seem to be the case... As a guy I am sorry to hear such a tragedy has happened and only have a few bits of advise or things to think about ok..!

You seem to be doing all the work and he is still not into you...! Is it possible that is hormone levels are extremely low...? This would have to be checked and confirmed by a doc but would be well worth the time to have it checked as that could be a root cause to alto of his problems. I am guessing that you two have really only been with each other as well, I know you have done the 3 some and that, but relationship wise... have you guys ever been with anyone for any amount of time.... What I am getting at is experience, yes you can get it from the threesome but for the most part your hormones are so pumped that anything will set you off so you can't really judge what its like to be with someone else!

Are you able to masturbate to orgasm....? I know you have said it is hard for you to reach it but can you do it on your own..? With sex I get frustrated cause most people ,mostly guys, have no clue as to what to do or where to do it... the only thing a girl can do from there is to know her own body and to be forward enough to tell the guy what it is she likes where it is she likes it and how hard or soft....! Some guys are just clueless when it comes to this and it takes the girls help for him to figure things out and again most guys are not going to like this one bit as they see themselves as "gods" and know it all of sex, and this just isn't the case.

Don't give up just yet.... talk him through things and see how it goes, if possible get his hormone levels checked out, it could end up affecting his over all health if they are low, so this is not just a sex issue ok...!!

[mailahn97]

Sweetie I know how you feel. I have been there. My ex I was lucky for a while if I got it once a month then it got to a few months apart then 6 months to the point I was completely frustrated. I was always the initiator and constantly turned down. It is horrible to the relationship and to your self esteem. You start doubting yourself and wondering what you have done.

Does it have to do with any stressors in life such as change in job or such. I remember didn't he get out of the military recently and was trying to find work. Just a thought could that be wearing on him...I dont know.

Sounds like you have tried so much and you are so young for it to be this way. Granted my marriage ended due to this and there were some other factors. I hope everything works out the way you need.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide. You know how to reach me if you want to talk.

[ladylove]

Ok, so I decided to start a new topic with my situation after reading Mikayla's post about the husband whose wife refused him sex. I'm going through a similar situation that I've began to talk about with Ladylove (TY!)

Your welcome, I hope you find the answer you need; and be sure, I'll chime in if I have something helpful to say.

[Mikayla1]

This thread saddens me.

Here you are - young, sexually active, adventurous - and what is happening? No sex or little sex. I really am losing patience for these men and women who refuse to learn. Everyone - EVERY ONE - can learn about sex. Everyone can and should listen to their partners. Men and women both need to wise up and realize that sex is like a 'job' in the sense that occassionally we need on the job training to make our performance better.

Most likely this guy is stuck in the idea of what sex is, and he is not really too willing to change it. Some men have the mentality of 'the cock is it' and foreplay is, well, optional. Some women have a similar attitude - I am naked, he should be aroused. Doesn't always work this way.

Listen, it sounds like you have a lot going on here. First, he is very young to have that low of a sex drive. I would consider trying to get him to have his hormones tested. He may have low testosterone. Not that every man has to be 'on' 24/7 - but having this low of an interest is, well, an issue.

Then there are other possibilities: low self esteem can be a result of ED issues. If he has ever lost it during sex, or was less hard than he wants to be, he may be having issues with that. He would avoid sex all together so as not to have to deal with the failure. You mention that you have had threesomes, did he ever ask you if you enjoyed the other partner more than him? Not every person is equipped to handle a threesome experience.

Also, is there any possibility that he is gay? Denial does not assure that he isn't. Do you have a gut instinct about it? Could he possibly be bi-sexual or bi-curious?

Now, as for your slow orgasm issue. I don't see this as a problem. A long build-up can be rather nice, I think. He should look at foreplay as a way of gaining intimacy and bringing you closer as well as bringing you stimulation. Maybe think of using some toys to aid in clitoral stim. Get your orgasm to come a little quicker (pun intended) and that may bolster his performance.

Other than that, I think counseling is in order. Do not go through your whole marriage or life in general being sexually unhappy, find a way to try and communicate and fix it. If you love him; and he you, then try to work it out, but don;t settle. never settle.

[chloegirl]

.....try to work it out, but don;t settle. never settle.

AMEN!!! Everything in Mikayla's response in spot on! Don't let time go by without working this out to your satisfaction.

[Smile4Me]

At the age of 24 and 23 I would hope that you guys were going at it like rabbits on a hot summer day, but this doesn't seem to be the case... As a guy I am sorry to hear such a tragedy has happened and only have a few bits of advise or things to think about ok..!

You seem to be doing all the work and he is still not into you...! Is it possible that is hormone levels are extremely low...? This would have to be checked and confirmed by a doc but would be well worth the time to have it checked as that could be a root cause to alto of his problems. I am guessing that you two have really only been with each other as well, I know you have done the 3 some and that, but relationship wise... have you guys ever been with anyone for any amount of time.... What I am getting at is experience, yes you can get it from the threesome but for the most part your hormones are so pumped that anything will set you off so you can't really judge what its like to be with someone else!

Are you able to masturbate to orgasm....? I know you have said it is hard for you to reach it but can you do it on your own..? With sex I get frustrated cause most people ,mostly guys, have no clue as to what to do or where to do it... the only thing a girl can do from there is to know her own body and to be forward enough to tell the guy what it is she likes where it is she likes it and how hard or soft....! Some guys are just clueless when it comes to this and it takes the girls help for him to figure things out and again most guys are not going to like this one bit as they see themselves as "gods" and know it all of sex, and this just isn't the case.

Don't give up just yet.... talk him through things and see how it goes, if possible get his hormone levels checked out, it could end up affecting his over all health if they are low, so this is not just a sex issue ok...!!

Hi Mnwolf,

1st of all, welcome to TooTimid, we're happy to have ya!

I'll just start with your first question. No, he hasn't had his hormones checked, didn't even really think about it! I'll definitely look into it, testosterone never came to mind! hahaha Thanks!

Second, we both had high school sweethearts, i.e. one or two long-term relationships before we met each other...but to clarify, most of our "experience" has come from our open sex life. Meaning we don't just do threesomes, we "Swing". We've definitely experienced a variety (so to speak, lol). It's helped us learn a lot about ourselves and each other. Yes I'm able to get an O on my own just fine, but I don't know many that have issues with solo time

Thanks to everyone for the enlightening responses, I really appreciate everyone's "two sense"!

Mikayla, in regards to your post, I just love the fact that you look at the WHOLE picture....it's really comforting to know someone see's it from my perspective! And that goes for everyone that gave their feedback as well. Hubby has always been open minded where sex is concerned, and we communicate openly about our issues as well, so I know he doesn't mind the other partners.

He has told me that he has trouble keeping it hard through extended foreplay (usually what I require to orgasm). At least I guess you'd call it extended, maybe 30 mins or so? And like I told Ladylove, I really don't think he's gay in the least. He is very attentive in all other aspects of our life together. It's only when sex and romance come into play that we seem to have this disconnect.

Most of my closest friends that I share these issues with say it's just that he's a selfish lover. But I do feel like he wants to make me happy, but more that he's scared he won't and then in turn, avoids sex like the plague. What used to enrich our sex lives, now does nothing....he's even began to "reject" other women too, friends (w/benefits) that we've known for years...which causes a lot of comotion usually. (If you're familiar with the swinging world, you understand why!). Could it really be ED at this early an age? If so that completely baffles me!

The problem with this is my increasingly high sex drive...going without for so long with little outlet....makes me feel like some crazy,careless, nymphomaniac! Sigh, I just want him to WANT to make me happy, like I do him!

[Smile4Me]

No more thoughts anyone? I know it's complicated. Seems to be my middle name. Really anything you can think of is helpful. I'm happy to have any input at all!

[mnjon]

No more thoughts anyone? I know it's complicated. Seems to be my middle name. Really anything you can think of is helpful. I'm happy to have any input at all!

Smile,

You know I would like to guess that he does have a form of E.D. Now if not physical perhaps it is mental, I know at the end of a past relationship I was to the point of feeling like I couldn't stand up to the tasks at hand so to say, I came to understand that it was a performance anxiety.... needless to say that to guys that do suffer from this the though of their partner using a toy, or even the swinging set, (sometimes this can be the direct result of it and this may explain why he is brushing off your friends that you have already partnered with)... this will set them off and the guy will suffer alone so to say, and not really know what the problem is or why. Now the problem is that while he sits and suffers in his mind... you as well suffer and that road leads to being single...! I would take a guess that he knows it takes more then just a 3 second foreplay to get your juices flowing..... I am sure he does know this but is scared that if he waits too long he will lose his erection and not be able to perform.... This is just a idea.....

Have you ever tried putting a cock ring on him....? I would guess that if he knows what they are then he might get offended but if he is clueless about it, then all the better.... The cock ring will allow him to stay hard as long as it is on and his orgasm is going to blow his mind. The thing is that by putting the cock ring on him, he will see that maintaining that erection becomes a no thinking thing.... and with that may allow him with time to come to see how great sex can be. The best thing is that they don't cost that much but the are a huge benefit, the leather and snap ones in my opinion are the best... the jelly ones are good just around the base, in front of the testicles, most will give the female a little more stimulation as well, but the leather ones behind the testicles will keep things nice and a hard.

I would still see about having his hormones checked as well as is it possible he is diabetic...? Both can lead to erection problems... OK. And as for counseling..... well counseling only works if the person wants it to work, so... there again it could help but....!

[ladylove]

How are you doing Smile?