In Love

[sass]

What does your SO do that tells/shows you he/she is in love with you? I don't just mean in the bedroom, but everyday, how do you know your SO loves you?

[ladylove]

Tricky question.

MsLayD your (generically speaking) SO can swear up and down they love you and you are the center of their world every day; but never give of themselves; or they can give just enough to make you feel loved but never tell you. It's up to you to decided what it is you need to feel as though you are loved and cared for. What is enough and what you need more of; and that is different for each and every person.

My SO will tell me he loves me at the end of a conversation, when saying goodbye, when coming to bed after I've gone to sleep; But I only know he loves me when/if he does something completely selfless, just for me. Something I know is out of the pure goodness of his heart. It doesn't even have to be a big thing, it could be something as simple as putting down his work for an hour to sit and listen.

How about you MsLayD?

[vanilla_bean]

Not sure how to answer this, but most of the time it stems from the knowledge that we are a team. I mean when we are a united in parenting, when we confer about work (we work together) , when we make plans for the future. It's slippery to nail down, but it's an every day thing.

[square]

I would say it depends on the individuals, where you are in the relationship, and what all is going on around you.

If you're still somewhat new, maybe it is that they just like being with you no matter what you're doing, brighten up when they see you, act awkward around you, or are openly affectionate.

Some time down the road, been together a while, maybe you're married, more comfortable with each other, maybe they don't show it every day. Maybe they don't even feel it every day, as this stuff can wax and wane. Or maybe they take for granted that they've won you over and don't have to continually prove it. Life gets busy -- work, kids, aging parents, family strife, the broken car or leaky roof, money concerns, and all kinds of stuff -- other things may take more immediate priority.

Or maybe they show it in a subtle way, like putting a blanket on you when you've fallen asleep on the couch. Or maybe in ways that you never notice, like making sure you're car has oil in it and there's air in all the tires, even the spare.

Or maybe they show it by goofing on you with little practical jokes, but again, probably not every day, maybe not even very often.

Oh, and if he farts next to you in bed, and makes no chivalrous attempt to shield you from it, but instead tries to subject you to its full effects, that says love better than any diamond ring.

[Sunday]

I think there is a difference between loving someone and being "in love." I think "loving" is more selfless, timeless, and can even be boring. Being "in love" is exciting, all consuming, you expect something back, and it takes so of you that it can burn out after a while.

If you're still somewhat new, maybe it is that they just like being with you no matter what you're doing, brighten up when they see you, act awkward around you, or are openly affectionate.

That's what I call "In love."

Or maybe they show it in a subtle way, like putting a blanket on you when you've fallen asleep on the couch. Or maybe in ways that you never notice, like making sure you're car has oil in it and there's air in all the tires, even the spare.

That's what I call "love."

[chloegirl]

Good answer Sunday!

After many years you can feel more sure about it but even when you know that they do.....when you hear the words several times everyday or they do their little daily routines to help out or you know where they are and what they are doing and who they are with every day, when you know you can count on them, when you "love" and care about their welfare too, when you don't want to hurt the other one...but if that "in love" spark is not there, if there is no passion, if there is never any physical heat between you, no mutual pleasure, if it's all one sided...well you can have that same type of "love" for friends and aquaintances as well....that is NOT enough to sustain a healthy marriage....That's when each individual has to decide if they are willing to live and settle for that comfortable platonic love or if they have to have more. And no it does NOT make you selfish to want and expect it all!!! Without it what's the point?

[jhard]

I hate to be the one too break it to ya, MsLayD,

But "love" is a lie.

It is all about commitment. Commitment is about effort. It takes effort. When effort starts to wade, a fellow or gal will look for "support" elsewhere.........

Now hope is a little different, when hope starts to wade due to a partners lack of effort then look out, rocky road ahead.

No more ceromonies or document signing for this fella,

j

[square]

So I wonder where the average marriage fits in; 1) In Love 2) Love, without being In Love 3) or somewhere between Tolerate and Can't Stand.

With something like 50% of marriages ending in divorce, and an awful lot of spousal grumbling among the rest from what I can see among the still-married friends, family, and co-workers I know, it doesn't seem like most marriages do not fit into 1) In Love.

Even among those rare few people who don't grumble about their spouses, if you grumble about your own spouse over something, you always get a big head nod and a knowing "Mmm-Hmmm." They know the score.

So most must be in the 2) to 3) realm.

There are said to be various Stages of Marriage, and I have a few more to go through and a thing or two or many to learn, but that's what the picture looks like to me at this time.

[sass]

How about you MsLayD?

I have been thinking about this, hence the post. I know my husband loves me, but how do I know? Like you said LL, tricky question. I think a large part of it is seeing how does everything he can to make me happy, how he feels responsible for my daily happiness, how he makes me take better care of myself than I would left on my own. He certainly does enough things on a daily basis to tick me off (not pick-up after himself, etc.) but those things are really insignificant when compared to the big-picture stuff he does for me.

So I wonder where the average marriage fits in; 1) In Love 2) Love, without being In Love 3) or somewhere between Tolerate and Can't Stand.

Honestly, I think most fall some where in between option 2 and option 3.

[ladylove]

So I wonder where the average marriage fits in; 1) In Love 2) Love, without being In Love 3) or somewhere between Tolerate and Can't Stand.

So most must be in the 2) to 3) realm.

There are said to be various Stages of Marriage, and I have a few more to go through and a thing or two or many to learn, but that's what the picture looks like to me at this time.

I think this is a very Pessimistic view. I think marriage is cyclical. A marriage rotates through wonderful times and very difficult times. It's how/when you work through the difficult times that make the good time sweeter.

Life in of itself isn't always a bowl of cherries, but it's always sweet.

[square]

I think this is a very Pessimistic view.

It's hard not to be pessimistic. When I look at my marriage and various issues we've had. When I talk to married friends and co-workers and find they are all living through similar things. I just don't see a whole lot of married folks who seem all starry-eyed, hand-in-hand, heart-going-pitter-patter lovey-dovey in love.

It's fine to say this issue or that issue is small potatoes in the overall scheme of things, but when you put enough small potatoes together, and maybe a few bigger ones, you start upsetting the apple cart. And once those apples are upset enough, it is very difficult to put them back the way they were.

[ladylove]

It's hard not to be pessimistic. When I look at my marriage and various issues we've had. When I talk to married friends and co-workers and find they are all living through similar things. I just don't see a whole lot of married folks who seem all starry-eyed, hand-in-hand, heart-going-pitter-patter lovey-dovey in love.

It's fine to say this issue or that issue is small potatoes in the overall scheme of things, but when you put enough small potatoes together, and maybe a few bigger ones, you start upsetting the apple cart. And once those apples are upset enough, it is very difficult to put them back the way they were.

Have you ever thought to focus on what's right and good in your marriage instead of what's not..... no matter how hard that is? Both of you should try it, it will help. Not all at once, but little by little that grey cloud may lift.

[square]

Have you ever thought to focus on what's right and good in your marriage instead of what's not..... no matter how hard that is? Both of you should try it, it will help. Not all at once, but little by little that grey cloud may lift.

Things are actually reasonably good between us now. But I've had to learn to stop caring (as best I can) about a lot of things, change expectations, and accept that a lot of things I don't like are not going to change and I have to just get used to it. Occassionally some issue will flare up, or some of the old Grrrr's will come back and I have to beat down my frustrations. Some things I will not yield on, but I just try to take care of those things myself rather than get my wife to buy in, which is unlikely. I do try to bear in mind the good things about her, and that my perspective is not the only perspective, and that my perceptions may not always be the whole story. So all that helps, but doesn't fully make everything right with the world.

[ladylove]

Things are actually reasonably good between us now. But I've had to learn to stop caring (as best I can) about a lot of things, change expectations, and accept that a lot of things I don't like are not going to change and I have to just get used to it. Occassionally some issue will flare up, or some of the old Grrrr's will come back and I have to beat down my frustrations. Some things I will not yield on, but I just try to take care of those things myself rather than get my wife to buy in, which is unlikely. I do try to bear in mind the good things about her, and that my perspective is not the only perspective, and that my perceptions may not always be the whole story. So all that helps, but doesn't fully make everything right with the world.

Life is not a fairy tale, it's very messy and never follow the plan; it's the mess that makes it all worth while in the end. It sound like your on a good track... good for you!

[square]

This is also related to my post on pre-marital counseling; if I had known some of this stuff ahead of time, would it have helped? Maybe not, but I wonder.

I remember talking to a guy at work two or three years ago and telling him about this business of letting go and not caring about a lot of things that used to irk the shit out of me. He said, "I can't. We're (him and his Mrs.) both too stubborn." They are now headed for divorce court, which is a shame; they are both nice people.

[sass]

This is also related to my post on pre-marital counseling; if I had known some of this stuff ahead of time, would it have helped? Maybe not, but I wonder.

I remember talking to a guy at work two or three years ago and telling him about this business of letting go and not caring about a lot of things that used to irk the shit out of me. He said, "I can't. We're (him and his Mrs.) both too stubborn." They are now headed for divorce court, which is a shame; they are both nice people.

I do understand what you are saying. There are things that my dear husband does, and doesn't do, that drives me insane. Most of those things are relatively minor, some are fairly major. But we love each other and he does so much more positive for me that I am, usually, able to adjust with those other things. I know there are also things I do that bug him, but we work through it. I hope 5, 10, 15 years from now I can still say the positive outweigh the negatives.

[Sunday]

Things are actually reasonably good between us now. But I've had to learn to stop caring (as best I can) about a lot of things, change expectations, and accept that a lot of things I don't like are not going to change and I have to just get used to it. Occassionally some issue will flare up, or some of the old Grrrr's will come back and I have to beat down my frustrations. Some things I will not yield on, but I just try to take care of those things myself rather than get my wife to buy in, which is unlikely. I do try to bear in mind the good things about her, and that my perspective is not the only perspective, and that my perceptions may not always be the whole story. So all that helps, but doesn't fully make everything right with the world.

I think that's as much as you can expect. Consider yourself lucky that you've discovered it. Some people live lives of bitter disappointment because they never learned how to accept this reality.

[ladylove]

I think that's as much as you can expect. Consider yourself lucky that you've discovered it. Some people live lives of bitter disappointment because they never learned how to accept this reality.

How do you get through the disappointments when you'd like to, but cant see your way out? What do you do then?