Intimacy

[hyokahey]

Dr. David Schnarch, premier couples and sex therapist who revolutionized both disciplines by joining them together, postulates that intimacy is unilateral. This means that intimacy is not dependent on your partner's response to your initiations and experiences of intimacy. Schnarch states that intimacy is the ability to 'map' your own mind, desires, and emotions in front of your partner (regardless of their response).

Certain aspects and qualities of intimacy are developed over time in long term relationships; physical, emotional , intellectual, and spiritual intimacy deepen and become richer over time, if the couple is able to manage the dual impulses for togetherness (intimacy) and autonomy 9productive time away from your partner).

Schnarch states that if a couple can stay together for years and decades, the level and depth of intimacy has the potential to become so deep and powerful as to become a spiritual experience.

Can anyone here on TT relate to these concepts?

[WendyNY]

Dr. David Schnarch, premier couples and sex therapist who revolutionized both disciplines by joining them together, postulates that intimacy is unilateral. This means that intimacy is not dependent on your partner's response to your initiations and experiences of intimacy. Schnarch states that intimacy is the ability to 'map' your own mind, desires, and emotions in front of your partner (regardless of their response).

Certain aspects and qualities of intimacy are developed over time in long term relationships; physical, emotional , intellectual, and spiritual intimacy deepen and become richer over time, if the couple is able to manage the dual impulses for togetherness (intimacy) and autonomy 9productive time away from your partner).

Schnarch states that if a couple can stay together for years and decades, the level and depth of intimacy has the potential to become so deep and powerful as to become a spiritual experience.

Can anyone here on TT relate to these concepts?

This concept is VERY VERY deep. Dr. David Schnarch is very deep though.

I am still reading "Passionate Marriage". It's taking me a long time as I keep going back

over things. It's a wonderful book. I haven't read any of his other books though.

From my own experience I would have to say that my husband and I aren't quite there yet.

We are getting there......slowly.....It's a complete turnaround from what it was.

There are the feelings of "intimacy" at times. That is something new, because I've never felt

that way before with him.

My husband has finally started to communicate over the last year.

I do feel comfortable telling him what I want or desire and it's ok if he doesn't feel

the same way at that extact time.

I want him to tell me how he's feeling also even if I'm not feeling the same.

I want to reciprocate and just be there for him when he wants to be intimate.

We do have our own time away from each other. ("Autonomy", correct?)

I think every couple needs that.

(Although my FAVORITE book "His Needs Her Needs" says the exact opposite,)

That was the only thing I disagreed with in that book.

Hyokahey---you're so funny, you said that it took you awhile to get

through David Schnarch's books because you were a bit "thick skulled" !!

Clearly, you're not !

If anyone is "thick skulled" it's me !

After all my rambling- to answer your question----No, we're not on that "Spiritual level" yet.......

But, we're working on it.....

[Mikayla1]

I too have read Dr. Schnarch, and analyzed some of his concepts. I think that at the root of this is truth: when we are in a comitted relationship or a marriage in which we share our close, personal space with another, we develop intimacy. We are unaware of this development as we sort of just 'merge' our lives. We start to break those boundaries (like going into the bathroom while our partner is showering or being less conscious about dressing or undressing in front of them) and this causes a sort of unilateral intimacy in that we don't usually 'ask' if these things are OK, we just sort of do them.

Intellectual intimacy is actually harder to achieve than one might think. My hubby and I, for example, have a HUGE gap in intellectual growth. It is not that he is not intelligent, he just doesn't enjoy conversing and using his intellectual prowess as much as I do. He doesn't enjoy the same activities as I do when it comes to this. We have intimacy in that I continue to learn and study and read and learn regardless of what he thinks, but truthfully, it is a bit of a rift between us.

When it comes to intimacy as far as sexual activity, this unilateralness is a little less.....easily done. I understand what Schnarch is saying, we need to nurture ourselves, our needs, desires, fantasies and not be apologetic for them as they are natural and healthy expressions. I also understand that being able to 'map' them and navigate through them regardless of what our partner thinks. I think that, to an extent, that is healthy. I have never hidden my sexual thoughts, desires or feelings. I have freely masturbated or been sexual whether or not I have discussed it with my partner. However, there comes a part when that intimacy HAS to be bilateral. Our partners may not be at all comfortable with, let's say, BDSM. You, as an individual can have an interest in this activity. You can express a desire to participate in these experiences. However, if your partner is completely NOT into such activities, and it requires participation from your partner, that intimacy becomes more of a sense of.....reluctance. In this experience, the intimacy is broken in a sense.

There is a large task in balancing your personal needs, wants, desires, interests and those of your partners. It is nearly impossible to find someone who is completely your match in all things, so yes, it does take a balancing act to accept your partner's needs and yours. It takes a strong person to say, 'hey, this is what I like and I am going to do it' and to accept it when your partner says the same. I think there is tremendous opportunity for growth if a couple CAN indeed be accepting and even nurturing of your choices and desires.

I think that for me, personally, I am still on the journey to having this acceptance. I guess the overall message is if you are willing to take the journey at all.

[LilGreenPuffer]

I think that this is what my mother describes in her relationship with my father.

[ladylove]

Excellent question!

In short, I have to agree the the good Doctor, intimacy can be a 'spiritual' experience, so to speak. I will add as you go through life with a partner, the relationship goes through periods of wonderful times and not so wonderful. It has alway been my experience in the not so great time that connection gets buried, and must be rediscovered. It can definitely be rediscover, but holding onto that in everyday life can and has been a hard at times.