Her Body Says Yes, But Brain Says No

[tootall]

My wife and I have been together for 6 years. We are both divorced and have 4 children between us but none of our own. I have had a "V' 7 years ago and the cost to reverse it is prohibitive. Over the last 6 years years we have had many hurdles that couples have. I have "exposed " her many new and different things when it comes to sex. She very quickly discovered that she can squirt during orgasm. (something my ex did also). I would sum our sex life up to "normal" as far as frequency (4-6 times a month). We are crazy about each other but being 40ish it's not like we are in high school again.

Over the last few years I have noticed that when we make love there is not a lot of kissing, something I like. I have also noticed that on many occasions, as my wife orgasms, she has what she describes as an anxiety attack. For me, that attack ruins a wonderful time. I have stayed with her and talked her through things and in a few minutes it passes. We are very supportive of each other and work to make it easier for each of us.

The other night after making love, she has a small attack and then says to me that her body tells her it feels good but she has been taught for so long that she is not supposed to feel good, and thats what brings on the anxiety. Now I know that her past had been full of abusive boyfriends and an ex husband that she gave everything too, but i have also been lucky enough to see her with other "partners" and she really enjoyed the "sex without commitment".

I curious to get another point of view. Can you shed any light?

thanks

[hyokahey]

Hi Tall:

Now I can't say definitively about your situation, but here are some thoughts that may apply:

One thing that many of us do not consider is the issue of intimacy. In long term relationships, we eventually get to a point where our intimacy depth kinda stalls for a number of common reasons. Since sex in long term relationships tends to (not always, because we may not allow it) lead to ever deeper intimacy, it's not surprising that so many couples get 'stuck' in their relationships in the areas of intimacy, sex, and relationship dynamics.

Most of us want intimacy, but on our own terms; we crave deep intimacy, but when we get close to it, we panic and either push or run away (figuratively and literally).

That's why many folks can have very intense sexual experiences with relative strangers: there is only a certain level of low level (or immature) intimacy in this. But when we have sex with a long term partner we love, we may balk and become reactive to the implications of it and how the sex, as a natural vehicle of intimacy, pulls us towards an intimate intensity that causes us from mild to strong anxiety.

[sass]

Hi Tall:

...

Most of us want intimacy, but on our own terms; we crave deep intimacy, but when we get close to it, we panic and either push or run away (figuratively and literally).

That's why many folks can have very intense sexual experiences with relative strangers: there is only a certain level of low level (or immature) intimacy in this...

Hmmm, that is very interesting. I never thought of it like that, but yeah, I can definately see it.