Here's An Update Of My Marriage

[ladylove]

Sorry Tyger.....

Take care of you!

[Tyger]

OK!! Well, I'll update y'all here, though it's no longer really a rant.

The other night, we had another blow-up. I got tired of him sitting on his ass, and 4 days, yes 4 days of promising to do the dishes came and went and dishes kept piling up. I'm tired of all of his excuses, digging into a hole, and not wanting to come out and be a part of things. I'm tired of promises made, passed over or broken. I realize he's depressed, but he refuses to see it and/or get help.

He's admitted to not even wanting to talk with me anymore, thinking I put "everything on Facebook". Which, I told him to go on my FB page right then and there and SEE what I really put on Facebook. If people don't speak with me verbally, they have NO idea that I'm unhappy. I don't put uber-personal stuff on FB. WHEN I do "change my status", it'll be after I've told the most important people in my family.

His father was diagnosed with stage 3 & 4 prostate cancer on Thursday, and that's when we had our blow-up. I wasn't intending to dump all my stress on him then. However, it's been building up, and the 4 days of dirty dishes, compiled with the gnats they attracted, and him playing his stupid XBox game 24/7 got to me. He said that he knew I posted about his Dad on FB, cuz everyone knows of it now. I told him to march his happy ass to the computer since my FB page was up, and check it. I have posted NOTHING about his father on there. That's NOT my news to tell, especially that way! So, he'd better get his facts straight before accusing someone, and that I'm not the ONLY person he knows that has a FB account.

I told him I couldn't take his negativity and excuses anymore. He oozes negativity. In the last year, I can recall only 2 nice things he's said TO me. I hear him say nice things to others, but never TO me directly. He refuses to share any of his life with me. He's admitted it. He's downed my jewelry, photography, job, everything I take pride in doing. The ONE thing he knows NOT to criticize is my mothering of our daughter. He doesn't want to go there, because she is my #1 concern always. He admitted to knowing I'm a great mother, and never doubts that.

Long story, short, I told him I could not carry his ass anymore. I was done making excuses, feeling sorry for him, and being dragged down by his negativity anymore. I was unhappy for 5 yrs, since his injury, and he won't get help at all. He doesn't do anything to better himself. He just wallows in self-pity, and unless he admits it and wants help, there's nothing anyone can do for him. He asked me if I was saying I wanted a divorce and that if I said it, there was no taking it back, ever. I said very clearly that yes, I wanted a divorce. We've been together 11 years. Our last anniversary, I didn't even want to celebrate. Last Christmas, I didn't even want to get him anything. That's sad.

However, after his pissed off reaction, I told him that he can think of me as the biggest bitch on the planet, that was fine, but I have to think about our daughter. He is dragging everyone down, and chasing everyone that cares about him away. I wished him well in finding himself and becoming a better person. I told him that I wanted to fulfill my promise of getting the rest of his dental work done, since we started that 3 yrs ago, and that he needed to get the hard-align on his dentures, due in January. That way, I can get a plan together, and figure out what I want to do. I want to stay in the area, but he has a track record of not paying his child support in a timely or regular manner, so my mom is willing to help me out, quite a bit actually. So, my daughter and I will be ok.

What really help me find myself even more is a book we've been reading as a book study at work called The Energy Bus. If you haven't, you should get this book. It's about how we put out the energy we receive. If you think negative thoughts, negative things will happen to you. Even though it can be hard at times, when you think positive thoughts, you can't be negative, and the more positive you are, better things will happen. It's a great book, I'm learning alot, and I'm already much happier!

The next morning, I awoke to a gorgeous sunrise and driving to work, I saw a bright and beautiful rainbow. Being Wiccan, I saw this as a sign from Mother Nature as good things are coming, I just have to drive around the bend a bit. So, Tyger is going thru another divorce. This will be my second. Apparently, I suck at finding spouses! LOL There's nobody in my sights, so I know that I'm not being dillusional or going thru the infamous mid-life crisis. I love my job, and I really like the community I'm in, though I have an area that I really want to be in more, I will stay, for now, here in this area. I feel like I'm a member of the community. Since it's so small, it's the first time I truly feel like I am one. It's a nice feeling!

I vow to be the bigger person in this whole thing. I may post here rants and raves about my soon-to-be-ex, however, I will not bad-mouth him to my daughter, or infront of her. I will strive to be as understanding and compassionate as I can be, without being walked on.

I appreciate all of the PM's of concern at my initial posting, and I truly appreciate all of my friends on here. Your support and kind words mean more to me than you realize.

MUAH!!!

~Tyger

[Tyger]

_{Going back, and reading some of the comments/questions I wanted to add some stuff.}

_{I am no longer really in love with him. I will always love him as a person, and as our daughter's father. I will always respect him as those 2 things. Do I respect him as a man now? No. Plain & simply no. A man would treat his wife as an equal. And, though he has always had a certain "old school" way of thinking, his hypocricy is getting on my last nerve. He has blatantly reverted back to a very sexist way of thinking. Maybe he always had that and tried to hide it, who knows? But more than once he's treated me like "A Little Woman", and that shit doesn't fly. For example, he fully expects me to clean up all the time. Even though when we talked about having children, he said that no matter who, he thought the one that either didn't work, or was home more, should do the majority of the housework. I guess he meant if that person had breasts, but not testicles. Testicles give you the right to be lazy.}

His own parents, both sets have been divorced for well over 18 yrs, tell me that he's lazy. Usually, parents are very supportive and defensive when it comes to their kids. They're more realistic. His father knows that his son will tell you anything to get you on his side. And I've noticed for a long time now, that he passes the blame for his mistakes on to everyone else, but him.

I've been trying for the last 5 yrs to "stand by my man", and help him thru all of his depression. Realizing that he has had a lot of crap go his way, and he has been use to being the sole provider for a long time, and I'm sure his pride is almost gone. But, he refuses to get any sort of help. Holes himself up in this house, takes NO pride in it whatsoever, and just plays XBox. Everyone needs an escape now and again. I have here, FB, reading (real books TYVM), writing, jewlery making, and photography. However, I don't let those things take over my life, do it all day long, and neglect things that need to be done.

His back doctor cleared him to be a truck driver. He left the company he was working for because they were embezzling $$ out of many driver's accounts. There's a lawsuit going with many drivers because of this. OK, fine, that sucks. Instead, he decides that he doesn't want to drive truck anymore. He wants to be a cop. NOBODY I know thinks he can be a cop, due to his bad back. I told him, as gently as I could that I don't see how being a police officer was possible physically. Do I think mentally he could do it? Even to this day, yes. Physically, no. He'd be killed his first year. His reflexes are no longer quick. And he's almost 40 (as am I). We're not Spring Chickens anymore. I asked him what his Plan B was, just in case. He told me I wasn't being supportive of him. I told him that I'd been supportive of his 5 other jobs he's had, and enough was enough. Pipe dreams are not realistic goals, and he needed to grow up and really think things through. Trust me, he's been wanting to be a cop for 2 years, and I've tried to be gentle about it, for about a year, but he's not clicking to the fact that it's not a realistic goal, nobody thinks so either, and all he has are excuses. I'm suppose to be the voice of reason when it comes to being in a relationship, especially when it comes to the well being of my child.

We had been able to set aside our differences to have sex. Sometimes you have to have that release. Was it satisfying for me? Not at all. I'd have to wait until he would leave the room (to play XBox) and buzz myself to completion. I lost respect for him totally 2 years ago. Without respect, there's no real relationship. I don't even trust him anymore. I'm not talking faithfully trusting him, because I always have. I'm talking about with money, or his addiction to pain killers, and since he doesn't talk to me, then where do I place that trust? I place that trust in myself now. Fully. For me and my daughter.

He forced my hand, immaturely, on Friday. He texted me (since he can't speak to me, a majority of our fights he starts via texting which I've told him not to do, especially when I'm at work), & told me that if I didn't tell our daughter that day, he would. She had a right to know what was going on. I had wanted to speak to her when he'd calmed down, and do it together, so she could see a pair of people that love her no matter what. I spoke with both of her teachers, the nurse (who my daughter loves), and the school counselor, just in case there's a change in her behavior, at least they'll have a heads up. Then, after school, we sat on the bench outside and talked. She was upset, but she did ask questions, cried a little, but seemed ok. So I think I did ok with that. I knew if I'd left it up to him, he'd come across as accusing, immature, and selfishly blaming.

I own up to my flaws. I'm not perfect. I can be hard to live with at times. But asking him to spend more time with US instead of occupying the same air space as us is not unreasonable. Find a job and stick with it is not unreasonable. Take responsibility for your own actions is not unreasonable. Keep your word, is not an unreasonable request either. I'm an In-Your-Face kinda person. If there's a plan, I want to go with it. If there's a reasonable, realistic goal, let's go for it. I tell it like it is. I'm respectful. However, if you disrespect me, don't expect Sister Mary Sunshine either. That night we got into that argument, he told me to shut the fuck up. Um, negative Ghost Rider. Telling someone, very seriously, to shut the fuck up is not a way to show respect. I know that's only going to get worse since he's depressed.

I can be a bitch, however, it takes a lot for me to get there. I've kept my sarcasm to a minimum, trying hard to keep it back. However, they even have to release Hoover Dam every so often, so the pressure won't build. Now that he's admittedly stopped trying, I admit that the sarcasm has made my personal dam crack and it's leaking out. I have common sense, which makes the sarcasm that much more direct as well. He doesn't like it when people call him on his shit.

Anyway, I'll probably be on here ranting, and if you get tired of it, I won't be offended if you stop reading. LOL Thanks again to everyone.

*MUAH*

[blewits]

Rant away! I'm so sorry for what your going through but I'm hopeful for what is to come for you.

[bbarney]

Ill admit, i skipped about the middle section because i was hoping things would be better by now but i am sorry to see that they arent =(. I hope something works out for you Tyger, i love reading your posts on these forums and for some reason assumed you had an amazing sex life and marriage. Being 20 i cant possibly imagine what you are going through, but keep us updated and hopefully you can move on and find someone worth your time. I am glad your daughter took things well, hopefully a divorce wont be too hard on her.

You should consider writing a book, i dont know why i was thinking that but i have read a few novels for classes and when the author has a perspective such as yours it creates a really interesting and realistic setup, especially to see the dynamic. I dont mean to act like the downfall of your marriage is my next great read, but maybe it would be a great place to vent and be creative. It could also turn an extra buck if it gets published, who knows?

I totally agree with the positive energy thing. I was born and raised christian and though i keep the beliefs i dropped the denomination because i dont feel comfortable within a church, but i have always noticed that if i think positively things work out. My parents and gf call me unrealistic, they think by not planning for problems ahead that i am going to regret it, but in the end i am the one not stressed out day in day out, only stressed a few days before the final outcome, and everything always works out one way or another.

I look forward to the eventual happy and bubbly post coming from you where you finally find peace and happiness again, and i hope you get that release because after 5 years of a marriage such as yours, i cant possibly imagine a greater release than being free of all the stress.

Best of luck to you!

[Sunday]

I'm sorry things aren't going well for you. You deserve better. Feel free to rant away here if it helps you.

[ladylove]

Everyone deserves heart felt happiness, I hope you find yours.

[Tyger]

Thanks BB. I'll admit, I've started a couple of books here and there, but never followed thru. I may just do that. Thanks for the suggestion. I always doubt myself, so wasn't sure if anyone would really want to read something like that, however, tabloids are pretty popular! LOL I do try to keep my positivity up and my sense of humor, which you really need to dig deep for sometimes, but it's still there. I refuse to loose myself. Thanks y'all!! MUAH!

[bbarney]

As far as starting and giving up, i know how that is lol. I had my novel started on my computer and i talked about the next scene more than i wrote it. I did finally complete my first novel last november though for this event called NaNoWriMo its great to get you writing and essentially it teaches you how to write to finish. Its worth checking into.

Also, youre spot on on tabloids lol. For some reason we enjoy hearing about how others are suffering, or the trials theyre going through. Its a horrible thing when you think about it, but its true. Sometimes the best stories are the ones that happened, because we can relate. Besides, even if no one did read it, it would be an accomplishment for yourself that would be an inspiration and an encouragement.

[Tyger]

Well, my daughter & I are all moved out & settled into our new place. It's only about 12 miles from the other place, & only a mile more from where I work than before, so it wasn't overly bad. I hate moving, but it does give me the urge to purge stuff, so I've been able to let a lot of things go. I already have everything unpacked, & only have 2 boxes left to get put away. We have a full week off from school/work, so I've been able to finish up. Took about 3 weeks to get everything over here & unpacked. I feel less stress, my headaches have almost completely disappeared, & I'm looking forward to the future. Our daughter has had some rough patches, but all in all, she's doing remarkably well.

[WendyNY]

Tyger I am so happy for you !!!!! (and your daughter )

You will both be just fine....

[bbarney]

Well, my daughter & I are all moved out & settled into our new place. It's only about 12 miles from the other place, & only a mile more from where I work than before, so it wasn't overly bad. I hate moving, but it does give me the urge to purge stuff, so I've been able to let a lot of things go. I already have everything unpacked, & only have 2 boxes left to get put away. We have a full week off from school/work, so I've been able to finish up. Took about 3 weeks to get everything over here & unpacked. I feel less stress, my headaches have almost completely disappeared, & I'm looking forward to the future. Our daughter has had some rough patches, but all in all, she's doing remarkably well.

Happy to hear a happier outcome than i expected with a situation such as yours. Good luck and I hope you find ways to stay happy =).

[ladylove]

I wish you and your daughter happiness.

[square]

Hope things are settling down for you.

[ReadyToMoveOn]

Tyger

I'm sorry you and your ex DH were not able to find common ground in hopes to save your marriage... I know out takes both husband and wife to continuously work at their marriage if it's to last...

How have you handled the single scene... it has pros and cons... I wish you well...

[Tyger]

I've taken BB's suggestion, and have started a book. I have no idea where it will go, if I'll even finish it, or what it'll be called, but I think it'll be therapuedic for me. Though things weren't as dramatic between the 2 of us as many other couple's splits, I do think that it may help me heal, and possibly show others that it's ok to leave if you're just not happy anymore.