"unfaithful- Stories Of Betrayal"

[WendyNY]

While searching the computer for the new season of "In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman"--I found a new show on OWN. It's called "Unfaithful -Stories of Betrayal". This caught my attention IMMEDIATELY as this show is one that truly hits home for me. I have had affairs in my marriage. I'm not sure if all of you are aware of that. I have spoken about it a bit on the boards. It's a hard subject for me to talk about. It means that I have to look inside myself to do that. That's hard for me to do sometimes. Sometimes I want to block it out--make it go away.

Affairs rarely happen because of SEX. They usually happen because something else is missing from the marriage. There is so much that I want to say about this. I suppose this was a bad time for me to have seen this show online as I don't have the time to write about this. I did find one full length episode. I have watched a portion of it. It's very very good. It is on every Saturday night on Oprah's channel OWN. I will be posting more about this as it is something that I need to explore inside myself as well.

Below is the link to one of the episodes:

http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Unfaithful-Jay-and-Julie-Bob-and-Cathy-FULL-EPISODE

[ladylove]

Thanks for the info, and checking for the the new Dr. Berman episodes. I have seen it advertised, but have shied away from it for two reasons. One is seems as though it might be depressing, and two it doesn't have relevance in my life. Rethinking it one never knows what can be learned.

*I'm sorry for your pain and hope you find the answers your looking for.

[WendyNY]

I'm still working on trying to watch this episode !! Hopefully over the weekend there will be time for it. The new episode starts Saturday night. (Thank God for DVR's as there would be no way I would ever be able to watch anything !! )

I'm not sure if what I have inside me is PAIN----I don't know. I know that we have had our ups and downs. There is a lot we have gone through over the years. I think that more people have gone through this than will admit to. When you think about cheating you think about just MEN doing it......But that's not true. And when you think about cheating you think it's just because of sex. That's not true either. There is a great book that I have read. It's called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. Dr. Harley explains about the basic needs each of us have. There are a certain number of them-- We all have some needs that are more important to us than others. Some of the needs are: affection , conversation, sexual fulfillment, financial support, admiration, honesty, domestic support, recreational companionship, attractiveness in our partner.

In our own minds we each have our "top" needs. The things that are super important to us. When we try to fulfill our partners needs- for the most part- it's OUR needs we are fulfilling--not THEIR needs. Maybe their top need is to be admired or to have us express our gratefulness to them for all they do for us. Maybe they are feeling ignored. Maybe they want more sex. A lot of times affairs just "happen". If there is a need your spouse or partner is not meeting you unintentionally seek out that need somewhere else. This book goes through actual scenarios from Dr. Harley's patients. The husband who is feeling ignored so he starts a gradual friendship with a co-worker. The wife who is feeling left out and unappreciated and she starts a friendship with someone else.

A friend once told me-- "It's not as if you woke up one day and said -- "How can I hurt everyone closest to me- ?" and then set out to do it." Affairs happen gradually without our planning them.

I am looking forward to this TV show and I will start to post my thoughts after each episode.

[ladylove]

I haven't watched it but did just find it on programing schedule, saturday evening. I'll won't be able to watch it then, but will try to watch it at some point.

The book you talk about sounds like a book I once read called: Five Languages of Love. It lists and describes what the 5 Languages of Love are. What actions makes you or your SO feel most loved. Sounds simplistic, it is but much more insightful than I would have ever thought.

[chloegirl]

I don't get that channel (wonder if I can catch it online?)

It's such a deep topic, but so hard to discuss logically because people get soooo freakin' emotional about it that they refuse to listen to anything or anyone.....they just want to villify and crucify!

I've worked with 2 women whose husbands had affairs on them and heard and read about 100's more and they ALL say "we were perfectly happy until that blankety-blank-blank came along and destroyed our marriage!" But I say that can't be true. If BOTH of you were totally happy and fulfilled it would NOT have happened. Something was missing somewhere whether you want to face it or not. Of course there should be total honest communication between spouses to let the other one know when there is something lacking or that needs to be addressed so that you can work on fixing it before things get to that point. But sometimes you can talk and explain until you are blue in the face and they refuse to see it, listen, or try to change.

Or what if you were married to a person with a naturally high sex drive but you were not able to have sex for whatever reason (physical, mental, religious fanatic, etc ) and were not interested in even trying to offer other means of sensual release to your partner. They love you and your family, are not looking to leave you but needs, wants, and craves sex, passion, intimacy. Is it fair to expect him/her to live thier life without it just because you don't want it just because you have that licence? How is that noble, fair, or virtuous? (and it's always the way they want to portray themselves as the injured, innocent party) That is not you loving them. It is shackling them. Maybe that affair is the only thing keeping them to where they can even stay in the marriage.

I'm not condoning or condemning it, but I can see it from both sides. I hate to see the pain and destruction that can come in the wake of it. But there are so many different stories and gray areas. It is NEVER black and white! Granted it is not the ideal scenario. I don't think that anyone would purposely chose to hurt or betray or live that kind of life, (although there are people with deep emotional problems that might) but life can be very complicated. We are all looking to fill the empty spaces inside of us. We have been programmed to despise anything other than possessive monogamy as wrong and unnatural, but a lifetime is a long time when there is something big missing to one person in a marriage even if the rest of the life is "fine". Maybe straying from that concept is healthier in the long run.

[WendyNY]

I do agree that most people are very judgemental when it comes to infidelity. Especially infidelity that occurs among actors, politicians and people who are in the public eye. Everyone can't wait to gossip about it. Some people FEED off other people's pain and dysfunction and they are so quick to judge. No one's life is perfect. Until we can walk in someone else's shoes--we have no way of truly understanding what their life is like. Now--I didn't say it was right---But I don't believe we should throw stones. I know some of the things I've done in my marriage were wrong-- but I do not ever judge anyone. Affairs are a type of fantasy for most people. Aside from fulfilling certain needs and desires it's a place where there is no fighting about daily tasks, bills, child rearing and the things that most husbands and wives fight about on a daily basis. It's an "escape" from real life.

I was finally able to watch the above show on OWN this morning. The husband Jay is a therapist. He is married to Julie. His wife Julie is BEAUTIFUL---I mean, drop-dead GORGEOUS. They were completely in love. The show pans though the years of their marriage and as each child is born, they drift further and further apart. Julie stays home to take care of their 3 children and Jay starts to travel more for work. One of the places he goes to with business partners quite often is a very upscale Strip Club in Miami Florida. He ends up meeting a woman who works there and they begin to talk. She makes him feel special and they both feel an immediate connection. He finds excuses to travel to Miami more often. Eventually he and the woman begin an affair.

Jay mentioned something that I also did---He "compartmentalized" his two lives in his head. In his head he had his one life with his wife and family and the other life with the woman in Florida. He kept them completely separate---until the two finally collided. You can only go on so long before that happens. His wife was sensing that something was amiss and she started to suspect. She hired a private investigator who brought her back the evidence she was dreading seeing---- Photographs of her husband and the woman together. She was heartbroken and angry. She filed for divorce.

With the divorce pending, Jay moves in with the woman in Florida. Not long after---their relationship has problems and they end up splitting up. Apparently this is not an uncommon thing to happen. When you're having an affair--it's a complete fantasy----but having a real day to day life with that same person is usually difficult.

Something so sad happens while the divorce is pending---Julie is diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. She starts treatments and soon the divorce is finalized. Eventually Julie's treatments are over, the cancer is gone. Jay and Julie start spending more time together with the children. They become close again and then eventually remarry. They go to Marriage Counseling and end up having a 4th child.

While this episode did have a happy ending not all marriages who have been affected by affairs do-----This episode also shows that looks or beauty really don't matter. It doesn't matter how gorgeous the wife is or how good looking the husband is----When something is missing from the marriage an affair can still happen. I have tonight's show taping and I'm looking forward to watching it.

[square]

Thanks for the recap. I don't have much to add, but it is an interesting topic and discussion. I will just add that I used to be a lot more judgemental. Over time I have grown to see things as less black and white, and realize that people drift for various reasons and things happen. And I had my own situation awhile back where if things had been a little different, I would have been very temptable.

[WendyNY]

Thanks for the recap. I don't have much to add, but it is an interesting topic and discussion. I will just add that I used to be a lot more judgemental. Over time I have grown to see things as less black and white, and realize that people drift for various reasons and things happen. And I had my own situation awhile back where if things had been a little different, I would have been very temptable.

Thanks Square---I'm glad you took the time to read this. So, you're going to leave us hanging???? You know how much I LOVE details..... It's great that you and your wife are still together. I know marriage is hard work. (VERY hard work sometimes ) But, feel free to expand on the "what if" that almost happened if you want to. I think lots of people can relate.

[square]

. . . But, feel free to expand on the "what if" that almost happened if you want to. I think lots of people can relate.

It went something like this, and sorry it is book-length: After a few-years cool period on the home front, things had picked up, the marriage was doing pretty well, and the sex was better than ever. And I had no desire to screw any of that up.

Meanwhile at work, there was a woman. (and for the record with that "older women" thread going on, she was not a "younger model," she was older than my wife, and closer to my age.) She was pretty, nice, easy to talk to, married, and generally a friendly person. And she would sometimes do things that I wasn't sure if she was being flirtatious, or if it was just part of her friendly nature. A trip for work came up and she and I were supposed to go together, and she let me know she would prefer to go with me, that she felt comfortable with me compared with others who might have gone on this trip instead of me. Again, I didn't know whether to take that comment at face value, or if it was a flirty thing. At first I was reluctant to go on the trip, because if she did make moves on me it would have been tough to turn her down. It wasn't a love thing, but I was attracted to her, liked her, and have my guy lustiness. And it wasn't something where I'd want to run off into the sunset with her; at the end of the day I don't think we had enough in common. In the end I decided I was being silly, nothing was likely to happen, and I could handle the situation if it did, so I made plans to go on this trip.

Meanwhile back at home, my wife and I had some talks about various things, sex, fantasies, her bisexuality (which I hadn't known about), and her desire for a FMF threesome. The gears in my head started turning. For starters, the idea that she would be OK with me fucking another girl (in the FMF setting) was sort of a mind blower. And knowing that made saying No on the work trip something that would be even harder to do. And I tried to rationalize in my head how, if fucking another girl in this situation is OK, then doing it in this other situation (the work trip) isn't that much different and oughta be OK. I even mentioned to my wife about how if the work trip girl made a move on me, that while I didn't want to screw up our marriage, it would be tough to say no. I guess I was trying to see if she (wife) would be OK with such a thing happening. Instead the best I got was, "if you do that or cheat on me, as long as it's just a fling and not a fall-in-love situation, I wouldn't divorce you but I'd be pretty mad. And if you ever do such a thing, don't even tell me about it."

In the end the trip came, it became apparent early on that nothing was going to happen, and I was relieved. We got along well during the trip. It was kind of like being on a date that was going well, but without the romance part of it.

You said above, "Affairs rarely happen because of SEX. They usually happen because something else is missing from the marriage." Had anything happened on this trip, I would say it was not because of anything overtly missing at home. But part from simple attraction and lust; part from ego (sex at home had gotten pretty good, and so I think part of this was to practice what I had learned on someone else as an ego boosting thing); and partly just a desire for variety, which I suppose you could say is not available at home.

As an aside, it turns out my wife had an ongoing sexual fling with a girl friend of hers several years earlier. She only told me about it when, with the talks we were having, she learned I would be ok with and turned on by her having girl-girl sex (whether I was part of it or not). I don't really view it as cheating, but I suppose if I wanted to I could use it as an excuse to justify cheating on my part. And I suppose it bugs me a little bit, just a tiny little bit, that she hid it from me.

[WendyNY]

Had anything happened on this trip, I would say it was not because of anything overtly missing at home. But part from simple attraction and lust; part from ego (sex at home had gotten pretty good, and so I think part of this was to practice what I had learned on someone else as an ego boosting thing); and partly just a desire for variety, which I suppose you could say is not available at home.

As an aside, it turns out my wife had an ongoing sexual fling with a girl friend of hers several years earlier. She only told me about it when, with the talks we were having, she learned I would be ok with and turned on by her having girl-girl sex (whether I was part of it or not). I don't really view it as cheating, but I suppose if I wanted to I could use it as an excuse to justify cheating on my part. And I suppose it bugs me a little bit, just a tiny little bit, that she hid it from me.

Square---thank you for such juicy details !!! Thank you for sharing so much. Seriously--- thank you for being so honest. I do think that the work girl was very attracted to you. She wouldn't have gone out of her way to tell you that she was looking forward to going with you. Maybe in her mind she was fantasizing about something sexual occurring with you on the trip. That in itself is a HUGE ego booster. The thought that someone else finds you attractive and WANTS you. Even though the sex at home was going really well, the anticipation and excitement of something else with SOMEONE else can be quite thrilling. It's also nice to hear that other people find you attractive. I mean---our spouses or partners can tell us a million times that they find us hot or sexy or that we turn them on. After awhile, it goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes the novelty of it is gone and we feel like they "have to " tell us that.

I think that what you did in your mind is completely normal--You "rationalized" the idea that if something were to happen with her on the trip it would be ok because your wife had kind of given you the go-ahead. Not that she would have been completely ok with it, but that she wouldn't have left you for it. The fact that she told you she not only fantasized about other women but she had thought about a threesome excited you also. Your thoughts that it wouldn't have been any different if it happened on the trip or with her were completely normal. I think we all rationalize things that we really want to do as a way to make them seem ok when they are truly not. I can understand that even though you were turned on by her bisexual fantasies you were also a bit hurt that she confessed to you that had been with a woman and kept it a secret from you.

I think I rationalized parts of my affairs also. I will share something. My very first affair happened shortly after we were married. I was 23 when we married. We were both virgins. Sex was AWFUL and very painful for me. I would block it out each and every time we had sex to get through it. My husband worked second shift. There wasn't a lot of communication between us. We were like ships passing in the night. We were leading separate lives.I joined a gym shortly after we were married. I met a much older man ----20 years older than me---he was married also. We began working out together in the gym every morning. We became friends and soon one thing led to another. It wasn't really about the sex for me. I felt so close to him. We talked---he listened to me. I could tell him anything. I told myself that it was ok as I was just experimenting with the sex a bit as I had so little experience with it. (having been a virgin before marriage and all) I "rationalized" it in my head. (by the way --the sex didn't hurt at all with him ) I told myself the affair and the sex really didn't mean anything. I was "married" now after all. I had been raised that you had to be married to have sex. Again----I "rationalized" the infidelity in my very twisted mind by being married---even though he and I were not married to each other.... It turned into much more and he wanted me to leave my husband for him. It was not a great time for me. (or my husband after he found out... ) But we got through it....Until the next time........

[square]

Regarding rationalizing, I think you're right, and I think we all do that in various areas of our lives (driving comes to mind, and cutting someone off and rationalizing that the other driver was in the wrong).

Regarding the hurt, I don't think I would call it hurt. It was more something that fosters distrust: if she was hiding that from me, what else is she hiding? She's a little white lie teller, usually to other people but I know she's told a few to me over the years. I'm not keeping score and not keeping track of them, but it leaves me wondering sometimes if I'm getting the whole story.

Were you able to get sex with your hub to be less painful?

[WendyNY]

I haven't watched it but did just find it on programing schedule, saturday evening. I'll won't be able to watch it then, but will try to watch it at some point.

The book you talk about sounds like a book I once read called: Five Languages of Love. It lists and describes what the 5 Languages of Love are. What actions makes you or your SO feel most loved. Sounds simplistic, it is but much more insightful than I would have ever thought.

Ladylove, I forgot to comment on this post. I have heard of this book, but I have yet to read it. I will have to look for it. I do have several marriage "self help" books. The "His Needs, Her Needs" is my favorite of all of them though. I suppose it is really the basic simple things that are the most helpful.

[WendyNY]

Regarding rationalizing, I think you're right, and I think we all do that in various areas of our lives (driving comes to mind, and cutting someone off and rationalizing that the other driver was in the wrong).

Regarding the hurt, I don't think I would call it hurt. It was more something that fosters distrust: if she was hiding that from me, what else is she hiding? She's a little white lie teller, usually to other people but I know she's told a few to me over the years. I'm not keeping score and not keeping track of them, but it leaves me wondering sometimes if I'm getting the whole story.

Were you able to get sex with your hub to be less painful?

I can understand that you may feel some distrust towards your wife. It makes you think and wonder. I suppose you could bring it up nonchalantly in conversation but you don't really want to start a fight if everything is going well.

As far as your question "was sex was ever less painful ? "----Yes---but it took until after my first daughter was born !!!( Seven years after being married.) I think a lot of it was in my head. Our wedding night was NOT what I expected. I cried--it hurt so badly. A lot of it was that we didn't do any foreplay---we went straight for the sex. We did fool around a lot before marriage but as soon as we got married all that went out the window and the main focus was just sex. I was my husbands first girlfriend, so he didn't have any experience. My reaction to him each time we would have sex was to withdraw and tense up as I knew that it would hurt. I suppose it makes sense that I would do that. There weren't really any "toys" back then. We did buy something from "Spencers", it was a basic plastic vibrator. We would use it occasionally to warm me up before sex. He was so large a lot of the pain was due to his size. (but a lot of it was in my head ) The vibrator helped and sex was a little less painful.

Even though the affairs I had were not mainly due to sex--Sex was a part of it, probably because I was SO disappointed with sex in my marriage. My first time was kind of like tasting my first beer--you know all the hype about beer and I expected it to taste like Pepsi---- Well, Beer tastes NOTHING like Pepsi -After awhile I acquired a taste for beer. LOL. It was like that with sex for me--I've always been fascinated by sex. Probably because it wasn't really spoken about in my family. Sex was wrong, sex was a sin. Masturbation was a sin. I'd go to hell, etc... etc.. So I started reading about sex--reading, watching in movies. Sex looked like it would be awesome.... all that hype and then the real thing didn't measure up.

I reached my sexual peak VERY LATE in life. I was early 40's I think. My husband was a bit resentful as I didn't enjoy it like this when we were first married. I do have a higher sex drive than he does.

Back to the Unfaithful show--I did watch part of the new one- I'll finish watching this week and post more about it.

[ladylove]

Ladylove, I forgot to comment on this post. I have heard of this book, but I have yet to read it. I will have to look for it. I do have several marriage "self help" books. The "His Needs, Her Needs" is my favorite of all of them though. I suppose it is really the basic simple things that are the most helpful.

I think you and your husband should read it, It's a quick easy read. Maybe you and your husband can read it together, I think that would be the best way to do it.

As for the program, I did watch one of them yesterday while doing some other stuff. The one where the man has an affair with an escort, in the end his wife and he reconcile. First let me say I don't know why anyone would get on national TV to tell the world this, but that's just me.

I think affairs happen because of something a person isn't getting in their current relationship. An Individuals allows another to come in, whether it's intentional, or subconsciously is not the issue. I've also learned what looks perfect to the outsider, could be everything but behind closed doors, in short we should all learn never to judge that which we truly don't know. Affairs aren't the only way people deal with the emptiness, some eat, some go to the gym, some have affairs, some shop, one and on it goes.....

The main thing I will come away from this is, we are all human with needs. Figure out what those needs are and learn how to best fill them in a healthy manor. If you can do that you will always have peace within.

[chloegirl]

The main thing I will come away from this is, we are all human with needs. Figure out what those needs are and learn how to best fill them in a healthy manor. If you can do that you will always have peace within.

True words of wisdom!

[ladylove]

True words of wisdom!

Thank you Chloe!

[WendyNY]

I think you and your husband should read it, It's a quick easy read. Maybe you and your husband can read it together, I think that would be the best way to do it.

As for the program, I did watch one of them yesterday while doing some other stuff. The one where the man has an affair with an escort, in the end his wife and he reconcile. First let me say I don't know why anyone would get on national TV to tell the world this, but that's just me.

I think affairs happen because of something a person isn't getting in their current relationship. An Individuals allows another to come in, whether it's intentional, or subconsciously is not the issue. I've also learned what looks perfect to the outsider, could be everything but behind closed doors, in short we should all learn never to judge that which we truly don't know. Affairs aren't the only way people deal with the emptiness, some eat, some go to the gym, some have affairs, some shop, one and on it goes.....

The main thing I will come away from this is, we are all human with needs. Figure out what those needs are and learn how to best fill them in a healthy manor. If you can do that you will always have peace within.

LadyLove, that is completely true-- I agree people deal with emptiness in lots of ways. No, I could never go on National TV either !! Although this show is a little more upscale than Jerry Springer !!! LOL.....

Still, I wouldn't want my neighbors , co-workers or my family members to watch me spill my guts to the world. It's so personal and not something that everyone knows about me (or us) (which is why I love this site ! )

Still have to watch the rest of the show......The bit I saw was quite good....Later this week. I promise !!

[WendyNY]

I just finished watching the Unfaithful episode from last Saturday. The show featured 2 separate couples situtations. My favorite of the 2 was the second couple. (the 2nd story was juicier !!!! LOL...... )

Honestly-- both situations were sad as 2 marriages were affected.

"Rekindling An Old Flame"

The first episode featured a couple Woodrina and Martez. They had purchased a business together after getting married. Martez seemed like a great guy and awesome husband. He seemed really easygoing. He decided to purchase real estate --buying houses, fixing them up and flipping them. He went behind Woodrina's back and sold their business in order to do this. She had NO IDEA about it. Martez ended up losing everything--their money was completely gone. Woodrina was beyond furious. She had begun taking online classes and had begun corresponding with an old boyfriend who contacted her online. They began writing and talking more and more. She's so upset with her husband that this is her outlet and she becomes extremely close with David, her old bofriend. Eventually she's falling in love with him. After several months she makes a trip back to her home state -Virginia. While there, she sees David in person again after all those years. I don't have to go into great detail for you all to figure out what happens. She's barely in the door and they are having awesome sex. "The best sex she's ever had" as she puts it.

Something devastating happens when she returns home--they find out that they have lost the only possession they have left --their home. She and her family move back to Virginia. She continues to see David secretly and more often. As she puts it "He was like a drug that I needed". I can relate to that statement. That's how I felt. It becomes like an addiction. It's that feeling of newness--those "sparks" you feel go through your body. That's what fuels the sexual excitement. You want that feeling more and more. Eventually her husband finds out. Of course he's hurt. Little by little they try to make it work. They go to counseling and become close again.

"Confronting The Other Woman "

The second episode's situation I'm sure happens more often then we think--- The couple is Kristina and Chad. They have been together since they were 15. They are high school sweethearts. They are so in love. They get married in their very early 20's. Soon they are surprised with the news that a baby is on the way. Once the baby is born. Kristina stays home to be a full time mother. Chad starts to feel overwhelmed. He feels he's too young to be a father. He's upset as he's the one working all the time. Kristina is in her pajamas when he leaves the house and when he returns home. Of course he doesn't realize all the responsibility that goes in to being a young mother all day. They start to become very disconnected and they are not having sex often. He's feeling anxious and wants to go out more by himself. Eventually he turns to an escort service. He meets an escort Mandy. He starts seeing her more and more. He loves the fact that it's a "No Strings Attached" relationship. The downside of this is that an escort is quite costly. He admits to having spent over $40,000 on her ! He says that the money had come out of his own personal account, so his wife had no idea it was missing.

Eventually Mandy begins to fall in love with Chad as he is with her. She leaves the escort service. Kristin is becoming more and more suspicious as he doesn't come home one night and makes up a story when he returns in the morning. Rather than confront her suspicions she is in denial and believes him. Now, in all this time he never told Mandy that he was married. I find it hard to believe that she truly didn't know this---I mean I'm sure most escort's clients are married--but she didn't know. He invites Mandy to spend the night at his house while his wife is away. He runs around the house removing anything that might show he was married, pictures off the wall etc... When Kristin returns she finds things that seem out of place as he put pictures back in the wrong places . His one major mistake was leaving the condom package in the garbage ! Kristin finds it and confronts him. He admits to the affair and she wants him to leave.

Kristin wants to know who this other woman is---She follows Chad one day to Mandy's house which he has moved in to. She peeks in the window and eventually works up the nerve to go to the front door. She actually goes INSIDE the house. Chad is shocked to see her and then caught in yet another lie as Kristen tells Mandy that she is his wife. Mandy kicks him out and now he's left with no where to go and no one to go home to. This does have a happy ending as Kristin and Chad get back together. They seek counseling and eventually have another child.

I have last nights show on DVR and I see that are some older ones that ran throughout the night, so I DVR'd those to watch also.

This is the website on OWN for the Unfaithful shows:

http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/unfaithful.html

[Kace]

When I saw that last episode I thought - Who the hell has a disposable $40,000!? And how did his wife not notice that much money missing? C'mon, that's like a new Lexus! Even after all that the escort kicks him out in the end.

[WendyNY]

When I saw that last episode I thought - Who the hell has a disposable $40,000!? And how did his wife not notice that much money missing? C'mon, that's like a new Lexus! Even after all that the escort kicks him out in the end.

Yeah, you'd think she's miss $40,000 wouldn't you ?? And I seriously doubted that the escort was truly in love with him. You'd think she would at least have given him a refund if she was , right ?? LOL.....

The next episode was good also. I'll write about that one later this week.

[WendyNY]

I was able to watch the rest of last weeks episode of "Unfaithful".... a little late , I know !! It's more difficult now as there are two couples to follow in each episode. Each couple is completely different and has their own set of problems.

Before I comment on the show itself- I wanted to talk about something I was thinking about this morning. We've tried to be better about going to church. I'm Catholic (brought up very strictly as I've mentioned many times in different threads on here ) I know not everyone on here is religious, and I am in NO way trying to force my beliefs on anyone else. I have had friends of all different faiths throughout my life---some Religious and some atheist, some agnostic. Everyone has their own beliefs. I am very respectful of all of them. However, in my own life I have always gone to church faithfully--more just because I felt I " had to " versus " wanted to ". There is a difference. Last year we got out of the habit of it. One missed Sunday turned into two which turned into 3 etc.... I do teach Religion classes for my daughters class also. Part of me has pushed God away in my life sometimes because of the choices I've made. I don't always get something out of going to Mass. It had turned into a Ritual for me--just going through the motions. I decided that instead of trying to get something out of the WHOLE Mass--I would just take away 1 thing each week with me. And I have.

This morning sitting at church as I studied the families and their children I thought about this thread. I thought about the "Unfaithful" show. So many families put on a happy face each Sunday. So many portray the "picture perfect " marriage . But are they really ???? How many of those families are going through this also ? How many, like myself- have skeletons in their closets ? Probably more than we realize. As I studied the families I saw some of the parents with their children--completely spent, very tired looking, struggling to get through the Mass. Children put a lot of stress on a marriage. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love my children. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But--when you have children it brings a whole different set of issues to a marriage. When you fight, most of the time it has to do with the children. As they get older the arguments escalate. The problems aren't so little any longer--as they get older they have different problems, which result in bigger arguments. It's not just about you and your spouse anymore--it's about you , your spouse and your children--their friends, their choices, their lives. That takes it's toll on a marriage. What I took home with me this week from Church was this--- We all have forces in our lives which try to turn us away from what we know we SHOULD do--you know in your heart what those forces are in yourself. They are different in each one of us. We all have different weaknesses in each one of us. It reminded me of those cartoons you see--where the devil is on the shoulder of one person and on the other shoulder is an angel. Each one tries to pull us in a different direction-- they try to "sell" us on what we should do. This morning, it made me look inside myself just a little more.

"Life on the Razor's Edge"

Last week's "Unfaithful" show featured a couple Kathy and Joel. Kathy dealt with a lot of emotional abuse from her husband Joel. To their friends and the outside world Joel seemed like the perfect guy--but at home with Kathy he was a completely different person. He made her feel inferior--being verbally and mentally abusive She was a very timid woman. She couldn't stand up to him and somehow felt that she deserved this type of treatment. She had a best friend Stacy who finds herself permanently without a car. Joel convinced his wife to let him be Stacy's chauffeur. I think he secretly had always been attracted to Stacy. He got to know her even better and the two of them become very close with all the time they spend driving in the car. He had already decided at some point during this time that he wanted to have an affair with her. He was waiting for just the right time to initiate it. Eventually it happens and he is completely caught up in it. During this time, his wife Kathy begins to notice that he is acting differently around Stacy. She notices that he's very attracted to her, but she doesn't want to see it for what it is- so she chooses to ignore it.

Joel begins to take HUGE risks. I was blown away by the things he did---As I stated he put Kathy though a lot of emotional abuse. He didn't do very many nice things for her . He starts to give her a lot of attention to take the focus off his affair. In his mind it makes up for the wrong that he knows he's doing. While both Kathy and Stacy were at the house he tells his wife to go take a nice bubble bath and relax--he even draws her bath for her. (that should have been clue number 1 as she left the two of them together to take her bath !! ) She thinks he's changing and just being very sweet to her. He takes this opportunity to take Stacy into his bedroom and have sex with her with his wife just FEET away from them !! The sexual excitement escalates for both of them knowing that Kathy could walk in on them at any second.

He decides that he wants to leave his wife . He leaves her a letter and he drives away with Stacy and his son in the car. As they are driving he notices his son is very upset. The reality of what he has done hits him and he tells Stacy he wants to go back to his wife. Of course his wife is beside herself --how could she not have seen this , she asks herself. They do go to counseling and for a long time Joel cannot see that HE is the problem. He has never seen himself as abusive. Finally he is able to see that what he has done to Stacy with words and actions is no different than if he were to have physically abused her. A change begins to take place in his heart. Kathy becomes a stonger person also and she becomes more vocal in their marriage. Amazingly it all works out for them. Not many women would take him back after that. Not every couple is meant to stay married. I think that this couple shows if you really love each other and want something to work--you can make it through anything.

"Wake Up Call"

Nikki and Xavier are a married couple. Nikki had always been overweight. Shortly after their marriage they find out she is pregnant with twins ! They are both very excited but the pregnancy has added even more weight for Nikki and she becomes depressed after the twins are born. She decides she wants to do something about it and she has Gastric Bypass surgery. Eventually she loses 175 pounds. She feels great about herself and decides to leave her secretarial job to become a bartender. She loves the attention she gets at the bar from men. She never had this kind of attention before. The weight loss gives her new confidence and she feels like a brand new woman. She starts to dress very provacatively as this gets her more attention from men and larger tips. Her husband is not happy about her new way of dressing. While at the bar she meets Leo. He starts to frequent the bar more and more. She finally spends the night with him . She comes home the next morning--Easter Sunday of all days. Her husband is beyond furious--Her children are waiting for her. Nikki had become selfish, not thinking of anything but her own happiness. Her husband did not know about the affair, he just thought she was spending too much time at the bar. He gives her an ultimatum--she leave the Bartending job, or he will leave with her children. This puts things into perspective for her. She realizes that she loves her husband and doesn't want to lose her family. She quits her job and she does not see Leo any longer. She begins to drink more and more. Apparently, this is very common--to transfer one addiction for another. First, it was her eating disorder, then it was the attention from men she was seeking, now it is alcohol. Her drinking begins to escalate and eventually it affects her job. Her boss realizes that she is at drinking at work and she is fired.

Nikki is so upset after being fired--she doesn't want to go to her husband with this. She knows he'll be upset with her. So, seeks out Leo again. They spend the day together drinking at a local bar. Leo brings her home and her husband sees them. She tells him she's been fired and confesses to the affair. Her husband is so upset. She agrees to go into a Rehab facility. She learns how to deal with all of the addictions in her life. She puts all she's learned in Rehab into her marriage and they are able to get through it to become close again.

Here are the links to the previews of this episode:

http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Unfaithful-Preview-Kathy-and-Joel

http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Unfaithful-Preview-Nikki-and-Xavier

[ReadyToMoveOn]

Wendy Of Upstate NY...

If only you could be so sharing of your own sexy stories...LoL...

[WendyNY]

Wendy Of Upstate NY...

If only you could be so sharing of your own sexy stories...LoL...

Ready--you would like to hear about MY exciting sexcapades ??? I don't have any all that exciting to tell. That's what the Sexy Story threads are for !!! LOL--- I have written a few stories on there--all fictional of course- . Some members have posted real life stories on there as well. I have posted some things throughout the boards that we have really done. If you want completely over the top sexually exciting stuff- there is the "Alternative Lifestyle" thread----which include the threesomes and the Swinger threads--all true and incredibly hot to read.

I wish my sexual life had been that exciting. This thread is not really supposed to be about the type of stories you can get off on like in the other threads. This is more about sexually sad things that happen in lots of couples lives. You asking me to describe that in detail reminds me of the scene in "Silence of the Lambs" (one of my many favorite movies) Remember the scene in the jail ?--Jodie Foster is trying to get Anthony Hopkins a Psychiatrist and serial killer-- to reveal information about who the serial killer is they are investigating (and who he had killed) Anthony Hopkins doesn't answer her but instead tells her what he thinks he knows about her life and she responds with this :

" You see a lot, doctor. But can you point that high-powered perception at yourself? What about it? Why don't you – why don't you look at yourself and write down what you see? Or maybe you're afraid to."

It's easy for me to talk about other people's lives--other people's marriages. I can tell someone what they should do or what I think they should do. Probably a lot of us can. But when I have to look inside myself and at my own life---well---it becomes very difficult----why did I do what I did ? What happened in my life that made me that way ?? I don't want to bore anyone as this thread is supposed to be about the "Unfaithful" show (and my own search within myself ) So--feel free to skip over this part if you wish----(and head over to the Sexy Stories thread instead...LOL)

I will tell you Ready---If you really want to know---I will tell you how I came about my First affair---in great sexual detail if you would like also !

I mentioned a little bit about the First affair within this thread, so I may be repeating myself. I suppose to get to the first affair you would need to know a little background of my upbringing as well as my husbands--and again, I don't want to bore anyone. This is not something that I share with anyone in my life (friends, co-workers etc...) Our two families know that I had an affair, but they don't know all of the details. It was a long time ago-- I can already see that this will be very long--- almost a whole novel !

MY LIFE

I am the oldest of 4. There are 8 years between my youngest sister and myself. My mother stayed home to take care of all of us and my father was a teacher--he had his own business for a long time and I very rarely saw him . He was gone every night. I do remember he would always tell me/ us about some of his students --how awesome they were, what they did. He would describe how pretty some of the girls were. I didn't have any special talents growing up, I never felt pretty. So of course I would compare myself to all of these awesome people he went on and on about. I was very shy and very quiet and I soon came to realize that people complimented me on how good , quiet and well behaved I was. I was the only one allowed to spend weekends with my grandparents (because I was so well behaved and quiet ) I realized very early that it made people happy when I pleased them by doing what they wanted. I was the "good child" in my family. I always had to set a good example.

When I was in 9th grade I had a best friend who introduced me to a very wild crowd. I stayed with this crowd until I graduated. I would go to parties (at home or outdoors ) There was a lot of drinking and smoking pot. I had this sense of great pride in myself that I could come home COMPLETELY stoned and my mother had absolutely no clue. I had this secret and it pleased me that I could get away with it. My mother was so caught up in caring for my 2 brothers and younger sister that I was kind of ignored. I was the oldest and in her eyes-I could take of myself. I met my first serious boyfriend in my senior year. He was out of school--2 years older than myself. He was so much fun to be with--he lived life in the moment--he was definitely a risk taker. I never laughed so much with anyone before. He introduced me to my first real sexual experience. Even though he was not a virgin he never pressured me to have sex. We did everything but have sex. I remember the first time he performed oral sex on me--NO ONE had ever done that before ! I had my first orgasm with him (aside from having had them by myself) We were in love. He then moved and met someone else and we broke up. Of course I was beyond heartbroken.

MY MARRIAGE

The following year I met my husband. My parents LOVED him. He was very responsible and a complete gentleman (his family was Catholic which was important to my mother )He was also very shy and quiet. He was very much the opposite of my first boyfriend. I was his first girlfriend. I had to teach HIM everything sexual. We fooled around all the time. He was wonderful with finances. He bought his first house at age 21 after having saved almost $30,000 in cash. That was an enormous amount of money back then and for someone so young owning his own house was a huge accomplishment. We had dated for almost 5 years and eventually we got married. My mother as I've mentioned before was always after me to get married. It was all she talked about. I love to please--remember ?? I didn't want to disappoint her. She wanted me to be married and they LOVED my husband. Throughout this time he had shared with me that he had been physically abused by his father. His father was a very angry man. There was no communication in their family. I was angry with his parents. He is one of 5. His mother ignored all of this abuse. I've never seen the two of them be loving to each other. There is no hand holding , kissing or any type of affection. As a result my husband is not much of a communicator. My husband was never physically abusive to me. He would hold things in and then EXPLODE over something small. Sex in our marriage was not what I expected . As I mentioned in the above posts I had a hard time enjoying sex with him. He also loved for me to dress up for him before sex. I didn't understand fetishes at that time. I always felt as I had to "perform", constantly dressing up. I grew to resent this and him.

I worked the day shift and my husband worked second shift. We rarely saw each other. I joined a gym shortly after we were married. I had begun working out. I found that in spite of my lack of excelling in any type of sport, I caught on to excercising rather quickly and I loved it. I had been watching Cory Everson - a famous female bodybuilder at the time. I wanted to look like her. I was able to transform my body (which looked good before I started working out as I was never out of shape or overweight ) The weightlifting changed my overall shape and I was very pleased. Now--don't think that I ever looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger---I did NOT look like him ! I enjoyed the compliments I would get from people in the gym and complete strangers. Men would always look at me and I enjoyed the attention I would get from them as well.

MY AFFAIR

I met a man while I was working out. At that time there weren't very many women who used the weights in the gym (Not like there are now ) I changed the time of day I worked out. Instead of going after work I began to go in the mornings. There were mostly men in the gym at 5 am. I met an older man--almost 20 years older than myself and we began talking. I'll call him "J" .Eventually J and I started working out together. He became my personal trainer and I was able to increase the excercises I did. I started power lifting. I was never a strong person inside and the fact that I could lift such enormous amounts of weight increased my confidence. I became a different person and I LOVED the attention I was getting from men about my appearance. J and I were getting very very close. I talked about him all the time when my husband was around. I think he started talking about me at home as well. He was married and had a 5 year old daughter. One day J wanted to take me out to lunch. We were still only friends at this time and hadn't done anything sexual. I mentioned it to my husband--my husband was surprised--but didn't tell me I couldn't go. I think throughout all of this--deep inside he knew what was going on and didn't want to see it. J and I got into a pretty deep discussion while at lunch . He admitted to having an incredible attraction to me and I admitted that I felt the same.

It's so hard for me to go back and remember all the details. I honestly don't remember the first time we had sex. I don't know if I have blocked it out or if it's just due to the bad memory that I know I have. I remember that J would often get motel rooms for us. On the days he did this we skipped our workouts. Sometimes we would have sex in his car at the dead end road near our gym after our workout. Now in all of the years my husband and I have been married,we've only had actual car sex once--last year--which I described in one of the threads on TT. I never worried about getting caught with J. Maybe I did enjoy the thrill of being in the car outside. Once he and I were in the gym all by ourselves. It was a family owned gym and they had given him the keys. It was a holiday and it was closed. But J and I met there. He locked the door and we were all over each other. Hot and sweaty and fucking in the gym. We had sex on one of the machines. I was leaning over it while he was fucking me from behind with the mirrors all around us. We then went into the men's locker room where he laid me down on one of the benches and fucked me standing over me. We grew closer and closer and we were taking more risks. We would meet out in the evenings sometimes (my husband was at work at this time of day, remember ) We would have drinks at a local bar. I never worried about anyone seeing us. Once J took me to a fancy restaurant. I'm sure the others in the restaurant could tell we were having an affair---this older man with a much younger girl. But I didn't care what anyone thought. I was so caught up in it. We met at a local park once early in the morning. It has a private lake and different trails for walking. We had sex outside in the rain under a very small wooden "lean to" type of pavillion. Naked, in the rain, outside fucking---anyone could have seen us as the trail was right in front of where we were. I guess there was that secret thrill of getting caught.

Now, don't think that I didn't care or feel bad. Yes, I was being extremely selfish. I didn't want to leave my husband. I didn't want to break up J's marriage. I had NO INTENTION of leaving my husband for J. There were times when I would feel so badly that when I got home from the gym and from having sex with J--I would crawl into bed with my husband and wake him up to have sex. During this whole time I would have a reocurring dream. I had the same one over and over again. It's hard for me now to remember all the details even though I had it so often. It was something about being out somewhere with J, in a bar perhaps. There were all these large boxes around us. We were hidden and somewhere in the bar. I could hear my husband's voice in the background. It was getting closer and closer to where J and I were. My husband never found where we were hiding though. I would always wake up.

Towards the end of my affair I wanted to end it several times. J would always talk about leaving his wife. He wanted to be with me. He even had a plan which he laid out in great detail. He discussed his financial situation also. He spoke badly about his wife. She never gave him attention, never had sex with him, she had let herself go. He would go on and on about it. I don't remember every talking badly about my husband. My husband had done nothing to deserve this. J wanted me to leave him. I tried many times to break it off with him. He would always make me feel badly (I like to please people remember ? I don't like hurting people ) My husband and I had started to become closer again. I felt really, really good about it. I broke it off with J. He was beside himself. He would call me at work constantly, begging me to come back. Finally I met up with him again and we continued the affair.

His wife found out. She called my husband. My husband called me at work. I remember clearly to this day what that phone call was like for me. I was thrown back into reality. My husband has a few pistols. He took one of his guns and drove to J's place of employment. I don't think he waved the gun around in public there, but J knew he had the gun. Thankfully he didn't use it or our lives would be very different right now. J's wife called me. It was quite the conversation. I had never meant to hurt her. She realized after our phone call that I was not the slut she thought I was. I confessed to never having been with anyone before aside from my husband. She hadn't realized that her husband had contacted ME after I had broken it off. While I know she was angry with me she didn't blame me. I know it wasn't J's first affair. I'm sure it wasn't his last. I believe she is still with him--- So life goes on.....

My husband and I went to counseling. It wasn't a huge help for me. There were some points that were helpful. We tried to work it out and while we've had lots of ups and downs things have improved 100% for us. He's a wonderful husband and a great father. I don't know many men who would have stayed with me with all I've put him through.

[mailahn97]

Wendy thanks for sharing your background with us. I know that people have affairs for various reasons. There are so many situations that can cause a person to stray but not leave there marriage. I mean realistically think of a marriage that all of it is great except for sex. If one partners drive has dropped considerably yet the other one has not that is very difficult. Yes there is masturbation but there is nothing like the intimacy of being with another person. Granted some take it to different variations of levels. Some will find just one person to please that aspect that they are missing whereas others will find a lot of different partners. I was in a marriage for over 10 years where the drives were very different. I finally got separated and realized a while new world out there but from going through that I can see where a married person would need that aspect as well but not leave there marriage. Yes I know to some that is completely wrong but the world isn't as black and white as it used to be.

[square]

Thank you for sharing.