Do You See A Problem With Waiting To Have Sex?

[Kama]

First off, I'm not judging those that like to have sex within the first few dates. I'm okay with different things working with different people. But, I've noticed that there seems to be a lot of animosity in today's culture towards that that would rather wait a few months to have sex.

What's wrong with wanting to fall in love before having sex? What's wrong with wanting to develop a strong sense of emotional and mental intimacy? What's wrong with getting to know the person that you might give up your body too? What's wrong with taking pleasure in the passion and sensuality building up? What's wrong with assessing to see who is serious and who is not?

Am I a minority in feeling this way? I've heard people scoff and say "no man would wait that long","The girl must be a prude and a control freak", or the woman that waits must be tormenting the guy. I've had female friends tell me that I'm being insane by waiting. In reality, I've seen men that will wait for the women that theyr'e crazy about. A man that respects you doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable by pressuring you to have sex that you're not ready for. I've seen couples that have waited end up in happy marriages with lasting intimacy. The period of waiting a few months to have sex certainly wasn't torture. Some couples do genuinely enjoy a passionate kiss or just being in each other's company.

[ladylove]

I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting until you are ready, no matter how long it takes for you to be ready. A person who cares enough for you will wait until you are ready, and not want to rush you.

[Kama]

Thank you fore the response, ladylove. Being 100% ready is key. If your gut feeling says don't do it yet, then I would rather obey that.

In my last relationship, my partner was okay with me waiting. My female friend, on the other hand, was urging me to have sex with him. I'm not comfortable with having sex just because a female friend wants me to.

[ladylove]

Thank you fore the response, ladylove. Being 100% ready is key. If your gut feeling says don't do it yet, then I would rather obey that.

In my last relationship, my partner was okay with me waiting. My female friend, on the other hand, was urging me to have sex with him. I'm not comfortable with having sex just because a female friend wants me to.

Your Welcome.

As for your girlfriend, only you know what is right for you. Each person has a different relationship style, be don't listen to anyone, BE TRUE TO YOURSELF FIRST.

... AND have fun!

[Kama]

Your Welcome.

As for your girlfriend, only you know what is right for you. Each person has a different relationship style, be don't listen to anyone, BE TRUE TO YOURSELF FIRST.

... AND have fun!

LadyLove-I respect that some women are okay with having sex early, but I was a little frustrated at her not understanding my reasons for waiting.

If I'm looking for a serious partner that I would like to marry someday, I've had better luck with getting to know the person first.

[square]

I don't see anything wrong with waiting. And I don't think you are alone. A guy who isn't willing to wait is probably a shallow dickhead anyway. I'm probably too out of touch with today's dating norms to know if you are in the minority.

[Kama]

I don't see anything wrong with waiting. And I don't think you are alone. A guy who isn't willing to wait is probably a shallow dickhead anyway. I'm probably too out of touch with today's dating norms to know if you are in the minority.

Ha, I do notice the older generation of males are proponents of waiting. I think my situation is more common than we would think, but most people don't advertise to it.

[WendyNY]

I see nothing at all wrong with waiting. I know it's not as common any longer to wait. I think most of that is due to women/ girls wanting to keep a boyfriend though, more than them really wanting to have sex. However, I did wait to be married first before having sex. (and wish I hadn't ) But that's me. I think the way we are all raised has something to do with it also. In my family it wasn't so much that you had to wait for the right one--- I was brought up that sex before marriage was a SIN. I was scared to death to have sex because of that reason. When you meet the right one you will KNOW. I agree that when you get to know someone first and there is that emotional connection it makes sex so much more than just "sex". Don't let anyone talk you out of it. Continue to stand up for your beliefs and don't feel badly about it.

[Kama]

That's the thing Wendy. Having sex too soon doesn't guarantee that your boyfriend is going to marry you and give you a lifetime of happiness.

I waited about 2-3 months before having sex in my last relationship. Considering that some people do wait until marriage or engagement, I don't think that's insane. The friend that was urging me to have sex after a month is someone that's very promiscuous. She would have sex right away and then wonder why men would flake on her.

If you're out to have fun and nothing else, easy sex is great. If I'm out of find lasting love, I wouldn't want to take the risk.

[chloegirl]

There is nothing wrong with waiting. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and much self-respect which is always a good thing. You know what you are looking for and will NOT settle for less! Go Kami!!! That is awesome. Hold true to what is right for you and you WILL find happiness!

I can relate alot to Wendy though. My husband and I were not at all experienced before each other but you would think that something as natural as sex would just naturally work itself out. The sex was always pitiful from the get go but being in love I always found a way to make excuses for him in my head. That was a stupid mistake on my part. He NEVER did improve. And after many, many years of sexual frustration on top of the day to day stuff that builds up in a marriage, the resentment pretty much killed any chance for true happiness.

I agree when you meet one it's ok to wait until you build love, trust, and the relationship. But personally I wish I had had enough prior experience and knowlege to not close a blind eye to what was obvious dysfunction and just expect nature to take it's course. If they don't care enough to bring their A game in the beginning they damn sure won't as the years go by and you will want to kick yourself for wasting those years that could have and should have been at the very least tolerably satisfying.

[Kama]

Chloe-

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I'm really happy that you all have been supportive. Even if a friend disagrees with my choices, being supportive is what's important to me.

I'm responsible for my happiness and my future, and I need to stick to what I believe will help propel that.

[ladylove]

There is nothing wrong with waiting. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and much self-respect which is always a good thing. You know what you are looking for and will NOT settle for less! Go Kami!!! That is awesome. Hold true to what is right for you and you WILL find happiness!

I can relate alot to Wendy though. My husband and I were not at all experienced before each other but you would think that something as natural as sex would just naturally work itself out. The sex was always pitiful from the get go but being in love I always found a way to make excuses for him in my head. That was a stupid mistake on my part. He NEVER did improve. And after many, many years of sexual frustration on top of the day to day stuff that builds up in a marriage, the resentment pretty much killed any chance for true happiness.

I agree when you meet one it's ok to wait until you build love, trust, and the relationship. But personally I wish I had had enough prior experience and knowlege to not close a blind eye to what was obvious dysfunction and just expect nature to take it's course. If they don't care enough to bring their A game in the beginning they damn sure won't as the years go by and you will want to kick yourself for wasting those years that could have and should have been at the very least tolerably satisfying.

I'm sorry you feel like you waisted so much time. Perhaps if you thought about why you needed to go through what you did, what was it your were suppose to learn. Perhaps then it wouldn't feel like such a waist. I believe every experience, good and bad, is for a reason. We each need to figure out the lesson. If you never had ALL the experiences you did, you wouldn't be the person you are today, and from where I sit you're pretty damn good. Thank your ex for teaching you to love yourself enough to want it all..

[square]

Ha, I do notice the older generation of males are proponents of waiting. I think my situation is more common than we would think, but most people don't advertise to it.

I wonder if you go up another 10 or 12 years from my age, to that far out, out-a-sight, groovy hippie/free-love generation, if the males would still proponents of waiting?

[Kama]

I wonder if you go up another 10 or 12 years from my age, to that far out, out-a-sight, groovy hippie/free-love generation, if the males would still proponents of waiting?

I'm not sure. I've noticed that happily married people or those in committed relationships understand the benefits of waiting. It's only been single people that have shunned the idea.

[ladylove]

I'm not sure. I've noticed that happily married people or those in committed relationships understand the benefits of waiting. It's only been single people that have shunned the idea.

Interesting observation. Could be, but it be generational, or just personal relationship style?

And here is another question I wonder about, in line with this subject. When Divorced adults are dating I've heard it said that there is a 3 date rule or something like that. I was ease dropping, not attending my another conversation, a long while age. One of DH associates has stated something to this effect.

Mature adults in "our position" (and I pretty sure he was in part referring to age) don't need to be playing the shy virgin card, I won't play. Compatibility is very important....... on and on it went. Catching snippets here and there. No way did I misunderstand the conversation. So men of mature age atleast 40's, do you also feel this way or is this seemingly mild manor, intelligent gentleman just a wolf in sheep's clothing?

[square]

. . . So men of mature age atleast 40's, do you also feel this way or is this seemingly mild manor, intelligent gentleman just a wolf in sheep's clothing?

Ha, that's pretty funny.

I did take age/stage of life into account with my answer above. And when I was younger, I would have been willing to wait plenty for a girl I loved, even till marriage.

But no, at this point in life if I were to become single again, late 40's and having been married a while, while I have no pre-conceived rules akin to the 3-date rule, I would not be willing to wait nearly so long. (And all this is of course hypothetical, since I am not presently single, nor do I expect to be any time soon, so knowing with certainty how I would feel on the subject is not a certaintly.)

Waiting till remariage is out of the question. For one, I am not sure I would want to marry again (leaning against it, in fact). And for two, there is no way I'd be willing to wait to find out till after a re-marriage at this point in life that the sex sucks. (Yes I have become more selfish in my middle/old age.)

But at the same time, waiting a few months may be no big deal. Hell, at this point in life, the years whiz by at the blink of an eye, so a few months should be no big deal. Plus, being the anti-social/introvert/social misfit that I am, I do not expect I'd be lining up the dates like empty beer bottles. And for various reasons I might be perfectly willing to take things a little slow in the beginning. And I would probably take a good long time before even considereing getting married again.

[Kama]

LadyLove-I hope my statements didn't come off as too generalizable! I don't know much about divorced adults, but I could understand why the rules might be more laid-back and less judgmental about early sex.

I also read older women are less likely to secrete oxytocin. The oxytocin debate has been debunked, but I do see truth in myself having clouded judgment after sex.