Cheating

[mailahn97]

With the thread that was started earlier with regards to the show about couples being unfaithful it got me thinking. With the way lives are today in my own opinion I feel that things are much more gray than black and white. A lot of couples stay together due to finances or possibly the rest of the marriage is great but there is an aspect that is missing. It can be a variety of things not just sex. Now what are your thoughts about cheating. In certain circumstances is it acceptable or not.

For example with me yes my husband was unfaithful in November 2007 and we did separate but we lived in the same house until the divorce was finalized. His version of unfaithful was not sleeping with another woman but he was in her bedroom and involved in bondage acts with her clothed and barely clothed. It took him 3 weks to actually admit it once I confronted him. To me that is still a form of cheating. He lived his own life and I lived mine.

I have friends of mine that the sex is no longer there and they are craving that intimacy. It isn't just the act of sex but the closeness that comes with it as well. They have tried everything to change it in their marriages but it hasn't worked and their partner wasn't that way when they got married. I can see if you got married and things were already that way then you can make a basis for you knew this already and possibly argue it with them. These are marriages that it took quite a bit of years and then this happened. Other than this aspect they enjoy their home life, children and relationship. They still love their spouse very much. Should they have to just live with the decision of their partner and not be able to enjoy something because the other person said so. Is that fair for someone else to make that decision for them?

Granted I can see if someone is going out and sleeping with a lot of people, but what about if they had just one partner that fulfilled that need outside of their marriage. To me I feel this is fine. Yes I am sure many would disagree with me but I feel both parties deserve to be happy in their lives.

What are your thoughts on this?

[Tyger]

There is "In Love" and then there is "Love". I will always LOVE many of my exes, for the person that they were when we were together. I fell out of love with most of them before we broke up. There's also the "Honeymoon" stage in a new relationship, where one is almost desperately trying to prove themselves worthy of the other.

Personally, I feel that if you have to be a total control freak, stalking your own partner, have a child(ren) to try and keep that person, or feel as though you have to look the other way, sacrificing your own self-esteem/respect, then it's not a real & true relationship.

Some people have open marriages, where they may have a situation like Short's, but they've both agreed that it's ok to do things like that, so long as there's no touching, or that it's ok to have sex with other people. Those situations really need to be fully agreed upon by BOTH people to make their own relationship work fully. If one person isn't for it at all, or has doubts, then it wouldn't work, and yes, I would definitely consider it cheating. But if you agree that that's what works for you, as a couple, who are we to judge what works best for that relationship? However, since Short never agreed to that, then, absolutely, he was cheating. For hime not to think it's not cheating is like Clinton all over again. Sexual contact, for most, is sexual, and if it's not with your spouse/SO, then it's cheating.

My husband has said in the past, that if I did anything, and he didn't find out, then what harm would it do? That shocked me, but he's right. Not that I'd take him up on that, but the old saying "What he doesn't know won't hurt me" is very true.

You're absolutely correct, it's more of a grey area for many situations/relationships.

[mailahn97]

There is "In Love" and then there is "Love". I will always LOVE many of my exes, for the person that they were when we were together. I fell out of love with most of them before we broke up. There's also the "Honeymoon" stage in a new relationship, where one is almost desperately trying to prove themselves worthy of the other.

Personally, I feel that if you have to be a total control freak, stalking your own partner, have a child(ren) to try and keep that person, or feel as though you have to look the other way, sacrificing your own self-esteem/respect, then it's not a real & true relationship.

Some people have open marriages, where they may have a situation like Short's, where it's ok to do things like that, so long as there's no touching, or that it's ok to have sex with other people. Those situations really need to be fully agreed upon by BOTH people to make their own relationship work fully. If one person isn't for it at all, or has doubts, then it wouldn't work, and yes, I would definitely consider it cheating. But if you agree that that's what works for you, as a couple, who are we to judge what works best for that relationship?

My husband has said in the past, that if I did anything, and he didn't find out, then what harm would it do? That shocked me, but he's right. Not that I'd take him up on that, but the old saying "What he doesn't know won't hurt me" is very true.

You're absolutely correct, it's more of a grey area for many situations/relationships.

With my marriage we were separated and would have moved apart sooner but just due to financial circumstances were unable to. He had been laid off and I was a stay at home mom that was now looking for work. I didn't do anything until we had separated. To me that isn't an open marriage. I just was thinking a lot more about the way things are today versus' many years ago as back say 10-15 years ago it was more of if you cheated it was over right then and there but with the economy now it makes it more difficult. There were stories on the news and such that the rate of divorce isn't as much because people can't afford to so they just deal with it.

[Tyger]

Yeah, what I came out with up there wasn't what I meant. I meant that a situation such as yours, where the guy thinks it's ok, because no sex was involved, not that you had an open marriage. My bad! Sorry! LOL :blink:

[Guest eminatic]

i define cheating as doing anything behind your partner's back. if you feel you need to hide something from them it is cheating. anything you are doing that you would not openly do in front of them or would not want them to know about is cheating. I am also a firm believer of "once a cheater, always a cheater" and i do not think a relationship will ever work once it has been stained (not necessarily because cheating is likely to occur again, but because the trust is just not there anymore)

but that is just my young, inexperienced view of the world as someone who still "has time to shop around" i know it's not so simple at different stages in life.

[mailahn97]

Yeah, what I came out with up there wasn't what I meant. I meant that a situation such as yours, where the guy thinks it's ok, because no sex was involved, not that you had an open marriage. My bad! Sorry! LOL :blink:

no worries. Thing is obviously he knew it was wrong because it took him 3 weeks to admit it was him who did it. He accidentally downloaded it to my computer and I realized it was from my digital memory card. So when I said that to him he kept swearing i was wrong...what a joke. His loss as he lost a great thing and I am enjoying life now.

[Tyger]

Great attitude to have!!!

I agree with Em too. Anything you feel that you have to do behind your partner's back, at least sexually, is cheating. I say that, cuz my friend that I've known since I was 14, and was my FWB for about a year or so, I still write and text too, though I don't tell my husband about it, it's not because we're sexting or anything like that, but he's aware that we talk, I just don't specify when since hubby doesn't like him. I've told hubby that I'm not giving up a friend, and he has nothing to worry about. I think that if I kept talking about my friend, and when we communicate, he'd feel ridiculously threatened and jealous (for nothing). So, though he's aware that we communicate, I don't rub his face in it either.

[ladylove]

Interesting question you pose.

First let me just say, Everyone deserves happiness. Next, Each couple negotiates their own relationship rules. If you can agree on said rules, and are fulfilled and happy within said relationship, great. Problems arise when one or both parties are dissatisfied with said rules and a new mutual agreement can not be negotiated. So If your relationship allows for extra curricular sex, it's not cheating, provided you stay with in the confines of stated rules. If monogamy is essential to the relationship, and one or both parties breaks the monogamy rule then yes, it's cheating.

Two very basic emotions, we as humans, get from any relationship:

1. To feel good about ourselves when with another person,

2. Not to not feel good about ourselves when with another person.

One is healthy the other toxic. Which do you want?

I choose 1, however that plays out.

[ReadyToMoveOn]

Though MisLayD is in a unique relationship, and Im not saying its wrong, as long as it works for her and hers, who am I to judge someone elses happiness.

I know couldnt live her lifestyle though, I am much too possessive and or jealous when it comes to matters of the heart...But that is just ME...And MisLayD, I am not saying your relationship is any less loving than my own, yours is just different than my own, and thats ok...

Each couple should talk what is acceptable behavior, and express their own thoughts on this matter... With internet and todays technology, is cybersex the same as physical sex...It should be discussed amongst couples...

[WendyNY]

SS--I never responded to this when you first put it up. I can tell you firsthand (as you've already read on the "Unfaithful" thread ) all about cheating.

Yes, I've been guilty of it. I guess for people on the outside it's really black and white. However, when you are personally involved in cheating or an affair- of course there are shades of gray.I think in order to cheat you have to tell yourself that there are shades of gray. It's a mind game you play with yourself. You tend to compartmentalize the two separate lives you lead. When you are cheating you are not in your right frame of mind. It's hard to describe to other people the feelings that go through your mind.

Does that make it right ?? Absolutely not--It's taken me a long long time to sort through my life and myself. Thankfully things are great now between my husband and I. We do communicate much more now because of all that's happened in our marriage. I am very lucky to have such an awesome husband. I'm not proud of all of things I've done in the past--but it's made me a stronger person because of it.

For couples who have an open relationship- then of course being with someone else other than your SO is not cheating. There will always be people who will judge people who cheat and there will always be people who can't understand the open relationships that other couples have. The bottom line is--if you have something that works for all parties involved and you are happy with it--then that's all that really matters.