Relationship Question

[bbarney]

Hi guys, i was hoping maybe someone could give me some advice about something. Me and my girlfriend have been dating three years this October, and so far things have been pretty calm. I am her first ever boyfriend and she doesnt have too many friends. The majority of her friends except for one, have stabbed her in the back and she cant trust them.

Well a couple months ago she made friends with this guy she works with. I didnt think much of it. I could tell he was into her, but i wasnt worried at all. We have always had a very trusting and honest relationship. We spend almost every day together as well, so i knew there wasnt much risk of her seeing some guy on the side. Well i had to drive up to my university for a meeting with my online professor, and i wouldnt be back till five in the afternoon. She gets out at three. She tells me she has plans with her sister to go to the new outlet, and that she might be back late. She gets back at 7 at which point i come over and she tells me how her day went.

A day maybe two later, she shows me a text saying there was a rumor going around her workplace that she was tired of "her annoying boyfriend" and that her and this guy were going on dates. I laughed it off, because we had been together daily except for the one day she was out with her sister.

Well you guessed it, a couple days later she comes clean. She was out with this guy at the shopping mall because her sister had bailed and she was bored. Eventually we cleared it up, i forgave her and she promised she had absolutely no interest in him, and that she wouldnt be talking to him anymore because she didnt want those kinds of rumors going around.

A week ago she started being evasive about her FB and i find out shes talking to him on FB again. She swears theyre friends. When she goes downstairs i take a peek and he is overtly flirting with her. He even asks her if she wants to play the question game.

We talked about it and at first i told her i really didnt want them talking, because it made me really uncomfortable. The next day i told her she could, because i wanted her to be able to have friends, and i didnt want to be the jealous boyfriend who stopped her from talking to other men. I am only worried because they talk a lot, and he is still very obviously flirting, and in some ways it seems like shes flirting with him.

Does this happen? Should i be worried? Or should i just calm down and let it happen? I know she loves me but sometimes i start thinking maybe shes only so happy (and horny) lately because shes thinking about him. Ive seen his pictures and i dont think hes her type, but how can i be certain?

Thanks

[thurisas]

You have to decide whether to trust her or not. It isn't fair to restrict her relationships. I would let her know flat out, though that she is being secretive about it and that makes you uncomfortable. I think once she is open about this guy, you will fell much better. Additionally, flirting is just that...everyone who isn't a total introvert does it and it can be very harmless and actually be a boon to your sexlife so long as it doesn't cross the line.

randy.

[Tyger]

Well, I've had this topic on my browser for a couple of days ago because this isn't an uncommon issue, especially with all of the networking sites popping up nowadays.

Randy has some great points. Most people, in relationships or not, flirt. And, let's face it, it feels really good when someone you don't know, or don't know well, flirts with you. It makes you feel more desirable, which can boost your sex drive. Women's self-esteem is highly kinked to their sex drive. But flirting feels good no matter if you're male or female.

I've been in your GF's shoes. I have a male friend I've known since I was 14. We flirt to this day. Up until my divorce in 99, I never took the flirting seriously, & neither did he. When we were in committed relationships, it was harmless. I still love him, as a friend who's been there for me. We've given each other insight in many things, including sex. But we don't delve into each other's personal sex life.

You need to ask yourself do you trust her? Is your gut feeling telling you this is harmless flirting, at least on her part? Are you blowing their conversations out of proportion? When you talk to her about it, do you make her feel guilty or defensive? It's hard accepting that another person is making your SO feel good, but if she's committed to you, and nothing's happened, what harm is it that she has a friend? Personally, for the longest time, I had more male friends-less drama & BS that way.

Trust is key in any relationship. People thought I was crazy for letting my current husband to go see his ex-wife's son. He'd been there for the birth, & the child has MS, & he'd been told the child was very sick & wanted to see him. I trusted him & let him go. Nothing happened. He hasn't been back since, but at least he knows I trust him. He was up front & honest, & asked me if it was OK. Hence why I trusted him. You could ask for that same sort of honesty. You could also ask her not to meet with this guy alone, but in public places, in desperate cars. Showing her some trust may help her grow more socially, which would boost her self-confidence & help with her trust issues too. Hopefully, this guy respects the boundaries of her being in a relationship. :-)

Best wishes.

[Tyger]

Separate, not desperate cars. Lmao!

[bbarney]

Yeah that makes sense. Initially after i posted that i found another woman asking about it and it all came down to jealousy and it makes a lot of sense. After i read Thurisas's post i calmed down even more to the point that when i did start getting jealous i made myself forget about it or ignore it. I guess in a good way it is healthy to be jealous because it shows i do care but also i have to make sure it doesnt affect us. I think she noticed it was bugging me too, even though i didnt bring it up, because she stopped mentioning him so much and we spent the weekend cuddling instead of on our computers which was really nice. She also went out of her way to make sure i knew she loved me and that she appreciated what i do, so it was an esteem-boost.

I also realized i did the same thing to her essentially with someone i was professionally associated with at school. She was upset about it because the girl flirted with me, but i didnt want her jealousy to get in the way of the professional connection. I apologized for it recently and told her that i understood how she felt now, so this has all been a big learning experience.

Thanks for the support and advice both of you, it helps a lot and it makes me realize that jealousy and rationality do not go hand in hand =) .

[WendyNY]

I am so glad that you both talked about it. Jealousy does get in the way oftentimes.

It's possible (and healthy) for both men and women to have friendships with the opposite sex.

As long as the two of you don't appear to be hiding anything from each other your relationship will continue to grow.