Do I Need Help!

[wifey]

New to BDSM, and loving it! Need some help - no $$ for toys, have handcuffs, yum! Want badly to dive right in, really play with, and pass, my comfort zone, but my wife is a lot fearful...not saying "No", but doesnt want to hurt me, doesnt want to tell me what to do, etc - all fear based. She is getting comfy with the cuffs, and with very light roughhousing, but I A) need lots of info on how we can play with what we've got (she is not exactly creative), safety issues, and C)how to present this insatiable need I have in a way that she can become comfy with it (she does love to please, and simply adores it when I get loud). I am into submission, even slave relationship, and pain without bloodshed (bruising is fine with me, even yummy). So, any advice and safe links and sites I can visit would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[bbarney]

To begin with, I am writing as someone who enjoys mild submission stuff, like receiving anal with her wearing a strapon, being tied down, teasing, etc, so I am writing from a male point of view without real experience in the more "extreme" side of BDSM. That being said, I have picked up quite a few tips in my time that I think may be helpful.

The first addresses how to get her to go further. It is simple and you will see and hear it everywhere on this forum. Talk to her. Something as simple as sitting down and saying what you want done to you, and asking what she likes done to her is very productive. Also, if you both enjoy watching porn together (which I think is great for couples) try suggesting videos that you like because they represent what you want done, or something similar. Make sure she is comfortable with it as well. If she feels uncomfortable address those issues, just pushing ahead only makes problems.

Communication after is key as well, if she did something you loved, tell her, if you wanted her to go further tell her that as well. One thing I noticed in my own relationship is that while I love her fingering me back there, she rarely does. I keep clean as much as possible but often we just don't bring it up, and it is much easier when we are both turned on. As I told her that I enjoyed it a lot, she started venturing further. It might be helpful to think of it as positive reinforcement.

As far as playing with what youve got, a lot of people dont realize there are plenty of "toys" in the home. When was the last time you saw a steamy sex scene in a movie and they pulled out a vibrator? Chances are they used something like a tie instead, or a scarf as a blindfold, rope to tie them up, or a duster to tickle. Some things that work great are incredibly cheap and easy to find, and things like a tie or scarf or bandanna you might have in the home. Tying rope or a couple ties to bedposts are easy restraints, combined with a blindfold is quick submission and heightens the senses.

Another thing is ice, incredibly versatile in the bedroom. Great for foreplay, sense play, and teasing. Another cool trick (that I havent tried) is putting a butter knife in ice and then running it lightly along the skin. It gives the feeling of a sharp blade without being dangerous at all.

Sensory deprivation is easy for BDSM, more often than not this will be orgasm denial or teasing, but forcing someone to watch while not touching them works.

Finally for safety issues, pain will be your safeguard but research is a good backup. If youre not sure do the research. If something hurts badly (and proceed with caution in BDSM) then something may be wrong so be careful. Nothing black and white, even anal techniques for some are easy while painful for others, so listen to your body. Also keep a safeword, something that wouldnt come up like "harder" of course but feel free to be totally random and respect the word. For me and my girlfriend it is RED. Here is what I mean about respecting the word, she started using it randomly as a joke and thus I started thinking she didn't mean it. It lost its effect so now when I think I am being sexy she says it and I keep going until she says it seriously. Its dangerous ground to tread on (yes there is rape within a relationship or marriage) and it illustrates the risk of forgetting the need for communication.

Some good ideas and tips on kink: http://www.thefrisky.com/photos/7-kinky-sex-tips-for-curious-vanilla-girls/kink-one/

Short but some good info: http://dark.delusions.com/stormcat/starting/

Seems to be worthwhile, a website devoted to the topic: http://madisonkink.com/inside/page-3/

Blog on BDSM: http://bdsm-advice.com/

[Tyger]

get creative! Things likee bathrobe ties can make some great binders. Blindfolds are fun too. Be sure to have a safeword, one that tells the dom that what they're doing needs to stop. Something that isn't a normal bedroom word, like popsicle or twinkie. What most people don't get is that in true dom/sub relationships' the sub has the most power because in a true dom/sub scenario, the sub decides whether or not they will submit. Setting boundries is key, what one will do, won't do, is willing to try at least once, or not.