Affairs, Who's Most Responsible?

[Tyger]

Not that this applies in my situation, because, as far as I know, niether one of us had an affair during the marriage. However, I was curious as to your opinions as far as affair participants.

What I mean is, who do you think is to blame for an affair? Do they share equal guilt? The married person having the affair or the person that they're having an affair with (if the other person knows that they're married)?

Personally, I blame the spouse having the affair. They know they're married, and if they choose to go out and have sex with someone else, it's on them. The person they're having an affair with, IMHO, isn't responsible for keeping the other loyal to the married person's marriage vows.

What do you think? Please be respectful to everyone's opinions, even if you strongly don't agree with them.

[ReadyToMoveOn]

For the most part, from my own perspective, it would be the person which is married... Years back before I was ever married, I was dating a young woman, gorgeous woman, and she told me she was single... I had no reason to doubt her, but as we began seeing more of each other, some things just didn't seem right...The normal things, phone calls only at certain hrs, I couldnt pick her up at her home, it was just too weird...

I asked her about it, she admitted she was married, "but separated"... I ended it, too many single women to have such headaches...

I would never have an affair with a married woman, and I am a one woman man, when I've been in any relationship...

Thus my belief, its on the married individual, whether man or woman, who is primarily at fault for an illicit affair... some may argue, what if the single person solicits the illicit affair... Nah, my answer remains the same...

[bbarney]

I think the blame goes largely among both members of the marriage, but a little bit extra goes on the cheater. Of course every situation is different but in most cases when someone cheats, it is because something in the relationship is lacking (excluding men/women who go out to have sex for fun and aren't committed to the relationship) and as result the issues causing the infidelity need to be resolved for the marriage to work. Its on the one who is cheating to talk to their partner and work these issues out, as well as beg for forgiveness, but to assume that anyone who cheats holds no value for the relationship is a slippery slope to play on. At the same time, using "you arent meeting my needs" as an excuse for infidelity is nothing more than a sign of immaturity and the inability to take responsibility for actions. So for those cheating, they need to smarten up.

[WendyNY]

As most of you know if you've read my posts in the past--this is a subject that I know LOTS about.

I had my fist affair very young shortly after getting married. I don't think the "blame" can be put on one person or another.

I knew it was wrong. I chose to block it out. That was my way of dealing with lots of things. If I blocked it out than it made it ok.

I had an emotional /sexual affair. When it first started I told myself it would just be to experience having sex with someone else.

Maybe I would learn to enjoy sex finally. I didn't expect to fall in love. It was never about sex for me---just having an intimate emotional connection.

Everyone has affairs for different reasons. It's easy to judge people if you've never walked in their shoes.

I guess from an outsiders perspective each party is at fault. The one who's having the affair and the one they are having the affair with.

My first affair was with a man almost 20 years older than me. I wasn't his first, nor last I am sure. I didn't mean to hurt his wife and child.

I guess in that situation perhaps HE was to blame more than I. He knew I was new to all of this. He had been married so much longer than I.

But wrong is wrong and it doesn't make up for the fact that I KNEW what I was doing. I knew it wasn't right. I chose to be selfish.

I was young and didn't have any children. I was just using him as a "sexual experiment". I didn't realize the emotions that would eventually

consume me in that relationship. And that's what an Affair does---it CONSUMES you. You get so caught up in it. It's hard to break away. It's like a drug.

Throughout the years following I would have a few more affairs. Finally my husband and I are at a place in our lives where we are happy and secure.

If you have read the Swinger thread I started we are dabbling a bit in that. There haven't been too many occasions of it but what we have shared is exciting. I have gotten the extra intimacy that I crave and the outcome is that the sex my husband and I have together has been so much more exciting.

This is very different than the affairs I have had in the past. We are sharing something together and it's out in the open. We never communicated like this before.

[ladylove]

I don't have first hand knowledge of this but: I believe affairs are both/all parties fault.

My opinion is an affair itself isn't the issue, but a symptom of what's wrong within.

[square]

When Monica gave Bill a blowjob was it Monica's fault? Hillary's? I can't go along with either of those. I have to lay the blame squarely on Bill for that one.

And by the way, I see no distinction between oral sex or intercourse or even a big wet sloppy kiss. There is a point where you've gone over a line, and in my book that happens long before intercourse.

I also assume here that one party is married or in a steady relationship, and the other is single/unattached.

All things being equal, I lay the blame on the married party that cheats. But the world isn't always black and white and there are all kinds of ways to slice and dice a particular situation to justify or condemn one action or another. For the most part, I would not blame the single person; even if they solicit the affair, the married person still has a choice and it is up to the married person to say no.