Dating Someone With Kids...help?

[Guest eminatic]

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[Freeagent]

Hey, I can truly empathize with you on this one. My wife and I met 6 yrs ago when her daughter was almost 3 yrs old. Her ex b/f had been out of the picture for almost six months i think.

This is a very personal issue for me so we can discuss it in more depth through PM if you want.

However, your B/F and the boy's father needs to sit down with the kid and explain who you are to him. Explain that you are not replacing his Mom, but to also establish you as a person and your role in your the family relationship.

Definitely set SOME LIMITS and BOUNDARIES!!!!!!

[Sunday]

It's a tough situation, and the dad really has his hands tied. Having read your posts here over the years I don't see this ever sitting well with you. You are spirited and opinionated and I just don't see you choking that part of your personality back for long.

My ex and I got together when her son was 5 and this aspect of our relationship was always difficult even for me. I only had vague ideas of what a good parent was and even though I mostly went with the flow so to speak it grated on me when I saw things going on that I knew were blatantly wrong or were just the parents using the kid as a weapon. These were better than average parents without a whole lot of overt animosity toward each other or me and they still got out of line now and then.

The fact is, you are in the midst of an emotional three-way with someone who doesn't want to be a participant. If you stay in the relationship you will be part of the kid's life and the mother is going to be forced to accept that fact. She's lost her man to you and now she's going to have to share her son too. It would take an extraordinary person to take that graciously. She is going to expect you to make all the compromises and bend to her will, and that is not only not fair to you, it's impossible for you. For the good of her son she can either accept the situation in a way that is beneficial for the boy and makes him feel nurtured or one that keeps him suspended between the three of you. If the mom faces reality and cares about her son she will agree to see an impartial counselor who can sit down with the three of you and discuss what you all can do for the good of the child while still having the adult relationships you want. The adult relationships ARE going to suffer even under the best of circumstances. It is hard, very hard. If the mother won't agree to a counselor/referee it is a sign that her feelings are more important to her than the child's and you should bail on the whole relationship. It's not his fault, but it IS his situation.

[square]

Some disclaimers first. No, never dated someone with kids. And two, even though I have three of 'em, I can't say that I know very much about raising them or am any good at it. So I don't have any answers for you.

Nonetheless, a couple of thoughts here. The kid is two, and that can be a tough age to deal with on its own. Second, his parents are split, so there is probably some turmoil going on inside him that might benefit from an outside counselor's help to get a handle on, and it still probably won't be easy.

You mention maybe having a kid with the guy at some point. What I see as a bigger potential issue than how you raise your kid versus how they raise their kid, is that you will be at odds with boyfriend over how the two of you raise your kid. If he is OK stuffing his first kid with marshmallows and soda, he's going to want to do it with the kid you have together. What to do about it? I have no clue.

Good luck, and I am curious what you learn and figure out.

[Guest eminatic]

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[Guest eminatic]

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[Sunday]

I'm sorry. Was it over the boy?

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[Sunday]

You farted in bed? That's the downfall of all my relalionships. Though some of my farts are far from small and insignificant.

Seriously, I am sorry. I wish things had worked out for you, but you did have a heavy lift ahead of you with the boy and his mother in the picture. You're a cool girl. You will attract someone with better prospects.

[square]

I am sorry too. And if you were talking having a kid with 'em, there must have been some seriousness to the relationship.

[ReadyToMoveOn]

Hi "E"... Sorry to hear about your break up...Sounds as if you cared for this man... As for dating someone with kids, I have in the past...Though her child was somewhat older, I never tried to discipline him... But he and I grew close, I still think of him from time to time and wonder how he's doing...

I hope things are well with you...

[Tyger]

Well, I am sorry that you broke up, however, this is an EXCELLENT question, so I will still like to weigh in here.

My soon-to-be-ex husband was only the second man I'd ever dated with kids. Now, almost 40, I know that this issue will arise on both parties when I actively date again. My father was married 3 times, and my step-mother (my father's last wife) was married 5 times. I've seen only good examples of what parents that have split deal with other people with their kids. And, I've found it's given me a less tolerant attitude towards drama. I don't understand how parents love to trash talk each other, or try to use the kids to get back at each other. I never experienced that, and in that way, I was very lucky. So, when I married my soon to be ex, his ex wife's games (and to be honest, his too) really pissed me off.

No, you can't tell either parent how to raise their kids.However, you can sit down with the child, and his father (if this happens again), and have the kid's father explain how it is. Don't say anything but positive enforcement while he's explaining to his child that you are indeed important to him, and though not a replacement parent, you are to be respected as an adult, and therefore, listened too, obeyed, and can discipline them (to a degree to be determined by the father-though I'd strongly recommend you NOT spank, that should be reserved for the biological parents if they believe/do that).

If sweets are offered like she was doing, take the bag, telling the child that, for safety sake, you're going to put the treats up, and you can dole out as few/many as you deem fit, discussing that sort of thing with the child's father. After all, for example, marshmellows can be choked on easily. Not only that, but if you leave them out, or the child leaves one behind, it can attract ants or roaches, so for cleanliness sake, snacks can be eaten at the table, in a reasonable amount of time, and then cleaned up after. Or, you could make it fun, by playing Go Fish, and using the snacks like poker chips. The child wouldn't really even know you're limiting the snacks that way.

Changes like this need to be made kinda slowly and a bit creatively. Split parents need to learn to deal with the fact that the other parent may not like some of the things that are done at each other's homes, but, so long as the child is safe, then not much can be done.

Dating people with kids can be a challenge, for sure. There will be drama, and you have to be willing to accept that you will never be #1 in a parent/child/dating relationship. Whatever happens with a child will always, always, always come first. Any man that will dump his responsibility to his kids to be with a girl isn't the type of guy you want to be involved with, because he's immature & not ready to be in a real relationship or be a father.

When I was younger, I knew I was too selfish with my time to want to deal with any of that, and I was also NOT tolerant of drama. I'm still not tolerant of drama, which my soon to be ex's ex wife found out early on, so she didn't pull her shit with me after one time, and I let her know right quick that I wasn't going to put up with petty crap. It's a dangerous slope to be navigated with patience, understanding, and compromise. However, I will say that I still talk with my father's ex-wife, still call her my step-mother, and she's actively involved with my daughter's life. I'm enriched by her involvement, and her extended family's as well.

[mailahn97]

I am a single mom and I will say that how I have explained things to my daughter is that at times each household may have different rules. Granted she was 7.5 when the divorce was final and is 10 now. Sorry to hear he broke up with you about something small just shows that he wasn't in it for the long haul. For one how would marshmallows really satisfy them if they are truly hungry versus wanting to just have something sweet. I have been lucky as the man involved in my life is great with my daughter and she trusts him a lot so I am very thankful for that. I wish you the best with all of it.