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Something he said that I keep thinking about

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He hasn't said the words "I love you" yet. I said it once and I could tell he was kinda nervous so I never said it again, I stopped myself and thought maybe I'm jumping way too soon and ahead of myself and just go with the flow which I've been doing now. We see each other, I stay at his house, we go out to the movies and he bought my ticket and snacks at the concession stand. If I'm upset he cares and hugs me and makes sure I'm okay. When he kisses me I can feel something. Sometimes I can't stop thinking when I was in his room and I was wearing a dress and he came up behind me, brush my hair out the way and started kissing me, my neck and was so passionate with me. Normally I had boyfriend's and I usually get really freaky. Than there's him and everything is different. It's so different that it kinda freaks me out. He's sensual, he's passionate, he looks into my eyes as he loves me, nothing comes out of his mouth though. Than one day as I was at his house for the week, he said something and none of my other boyfriend's said this, "I feel really close to you." It came out of left field and as he said this I was looking up at him and again he was looking into my eyes. Something is telling me to not look too deeply about this, other people told me that he's just pulling my chain. When I look at him though he's honest and he never lies to me. I wanted to ask him what he meant, it ended up slipping my mind because we had a good weekend together. Now I think he's kinda freaking out or something and I told him last night if he needs his space I'll respect it. He also has Asperger's Syndrome and told me that sometimes he likes to be alone and I respect his wishes. On the outside it doesn't seem like he does, when I'm around him though I do notice a few things, I never speak of it though because he makes me happy. So am I looking to deeply about this? Should I just drop it and leave it alone? Is there a meaning behind those words? Advice needed please!!

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Guest Mrs.BettyCrocker

Hi there Sunshine!

I can be SUPER difficult for some folks to feel comfortable saying those three words, even if they FEEL it. I know people who never heard it at home or never associated it with real-relationships, just what they've seen on tv. Since he has Asperger's that may influence it, but I'm not a doctor and certainly not qualified to say definitively one way or the other.

One thing I can say is that the best thing you can do is be honest! Are you "officially" dating? (As in, had the I'm your girlfriend, your my boyfriend talk, or at least referring to each other by that "title"?) If not, it could be a great way to segue into the conversation.

You could always say something along the lines of, "I really care about you, I've never felt this way about anyone and I want you to know that I love you. No pressure, but I wanted to tell you how I feel." 

So the first time I said it to my hubby it slipped out mid-sex, and he didn't respond. It was embarrassing, and I felt bad about it, like maybe he didn't feel the same way. However, his actions showed me I was wrong, and when I told him again, face to face, he said it back. It felt like stepping off the edge of a building, saying it directly to him the first time. You don't know if there will be a ledge to catch you, but you've gotta take the step anyway. 

It can be awkward to take that first step and yes, if he doesn't say it back it will be SUPER awkward, but at least he'll know where you stand. You know your relationship, you know how you feel, and what you see in his eyes when he looks at you. From everything you've written it sounds like you've found someone who deeply cares for you. Wanting to be told you're loved by the person you're intimate with isn't crazy or demanding, and I know I wouldn't be nearly as happy with my hubby if we didn't (annoyingly) tell each other how we felt ALL the time.  

So take the leap! Try not to take it personally if he's uncomfortable with the phrase, its the sentiment behind them that's important, but feel free to tell the person you love how you feel! Life's too short not too! 

- Ali from TooTimid

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3 little words....

The hardest 3 words there are sometimes. Saying I love you, I do not take lightly. When I say it I mean it 100%. I know many men don't say it. Them many men have difficulty talking about any kind of emotions. As a general rule we as men don't learn an emotional vocabulary in our formative years. Look at father son conversation, not a whole lot of emotion be talked about in many of those conversations. But show love, hell yes! Often time I think men are better at showing love than voicing love. I also think sometimes one person is more ready for the 3 little words than the other. Maybe giving him time to show love, he will voice love. 

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I lost a friend to suicide, I know. It's very upsetting for people to read this and it's taken me a very long time to even talk about this at all.

This guy was a friend to me though and nothing more. He had depression problems and things got bad for him, I always supported him. My friend seemed far away from me towards the end and he went to get help, once he came out of the hospital, he seemed happy. It was all fake though. I got a bad feeling in my gut and when he died I was depressed for months. A lot of people abandoned me, including some my friends. 

When I met this guy I'm mentioning I opened up to him, not all at once though. I made sure I gave it time. Believe I knew he cared for me when I got a Kidney Stone Infection and he was pretty much the only person in town who was talking to me. My mother sent him a text as I was in surgery and as I got out, she told me that he would visit me later on that night. The minute he got in the room, his hand slid into mine and asked me how I was feeling. Whole entire time he kept holding my hand. Second time I believe he seemed a little reserved and I immediately thought that I did something wrong and I got sad. As I got out he explained he had a disorder and how sometimes he can act a bit off, weird, want alone time and not want to talk to anyone. I remember him saying, I don't know why I get like this, I just do, he seemed sad as he said it and immediately I told him that I understand and be patient with him. For the last three days, just like he said, he didn't really talk to me or anything. People were assuming he didn't care for me or was trying to mess with me. Than today he mentioned to me since I moved away that he like me to stay at his house yet again and he'd like to see me again. I moved away and live two hrs away from him. Something is telling me that if he didn't care he would have moved on by now and found somebody else and not even be wasting his time with me. He knew about my friend and at point I believe he thought I was in love with my friend and was still wishing he was here so him and I could be together. My friend who died was great, I didn't love him though. I cared for him as a friend though. Just this morning I just sent him a simple message on Facebook telling him, I just wanted you to tell you that I miss you. Have a good day today. :) I'm realizing with this guy saying very very little makes him feel at ease. When I express myself with a lot of emotions, I think it puts a lot of added pressure to him. I don't think he's used to expressing emotions at all. He's a very logical person at nature. His actions does say otherwise though. Especially when I'm there. I woke up one morning to eat breakfast and he was still sleeping, I just remember looking at him and smiling. Once I got up, he woke up a few minutes later and asked me how I slept. He looked so peaceful sleeping, I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I love him. I dated guys over the years and a lot of them hurt me, cheated on me and wasn't honest which is something I want always. He's a very honest person, logical and smart. I love listening to the way he explains things, I find it sexy!!! I think I'm just going to go with the flow on this relationship and just take it easy, let him take the lead and relax. I know I can always speak up and talk to him if I ever need too. Afterall he's a very honest person and he loves communication. In time I'm sure emotions will come out. Thanks for everyone's advice!! 

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I've dealt with a variety of autistic spectrum people. Please please please understand that, for people on the spectrum, even high functioning Asperger's, it's extremely HARD for them to initiate intimacy. Even harder for them to independently think of saying affectionate words, especially "I love you".

The only way I can explain it, is, think of one of your phobias. A strong one. For many it's spiders. Ok, got it? Now, think of you sticking your hand in a bucket FULL of spiders. For many, just thinking about it causes a great distress. That's kinda similar to how they feel about intimacy or really any form of socialization. Dating is even harder for them. People on the spectrum, again, even high functioning, have a hard time reaching out for physical contact, and sometimes seem awkward and unsure. NEVER laugh at any attempts at him trying to show you how he feels.

They feel more intensely, have a more sincere aspect on feelings, get caught up in one thing, sometimes obsessively. They're usually extremely open and upfront, sometimes seemingly harsh, when in fact, they're just telling it how they know how to do so.

For him to say that he feels very close to you is actually a huge deal for him. Do I think he's playing games with you? Most likely not. Even very high functioning people on the spectrum have basically some sort of social issues. However, being players, users, and basically jerks, really isn't what they're usually like at all.

I have 2 really good friends that hold jobs, are funny, intense, feel strongly, and are really nice men. When they say something, it's always from the heart. They're quick to smile, quick to love, quick to anger, quick to forgive. They have passions, interests (almost obsessively so), and sometimes even crack jokes, though those are kind of rare.

When he says sweet words to you, take them at face value, because he genuinely means them. I'm sure he's doing the best he can by you, and doesn't mean to hurt you. If and when he says "I love you", you know it will be genuine.

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