Conflicted About Contact With Old Flame

[fay88]

I am happily married and very much in love with my husband of 10 years. Recently, my first love (first lover, too, as it happens) looked me up (online). Don't know how he found me (I've moved several times, changed to my married name, lost track of friends we'd had in common), but he did and we've exchanged a few e-mail messages. He really hurt me when he left me 20 years ago to go back to his wife (yes my "first" was an extramarital affair). But I loved him so much. And the split hurt me so much that I even tried to take my life. Still, I thought I'd forgiven him for the hurt... about 15 years ago he looked me up, and we spoke civilly by phone. We even met once to talk/catch up about 15 years ago, and that went well. But I wasn't married then, and this time is so different. I can't seem to stop thinking about him and yet I'm so afraid that I'm going to end up hurting my husband and children if i can't shake these thoughts! Any advice?

[fay88]

Thank you! I found your reflections and advice very helpful and reassuring. I desparately want to handle this right -- I don't want to blow off someone I cared for (still do, in some ways), but my husband and children are definitely my first priority.

Lucky for me, I suppose, that when my ex left me and went back to his then-wife it was because he hoped to work on his marriage for the sake of his family (he already had one child at that point). Only he can decide if that was the right decision (since his marriage ended in divorce a few years later anyway), but it's a good reminder for me that I am a very lucky woman to be in a mostly healthy marriage... one worth staying commited to and, as you suggest, working on if need be.

But it's also good to hear that you've managed to maintain a friendship with your high school girlfriend. I really did (still do) care about the personal welfare of my ex, and hope I can strike some sort of balance between too much (!) and too little contact.

Thanks for "listening."

[Tyger]

Hon, you have every right to conflicted about contacting this guy. It's perfectly normal to do so. There are strong feelings that go with your association with him. Especially where you're both married now. You all moved on from each other for reasons.

I've been there. My ex-husband was my first EVERYTHING when we were teens. We split, ended up going back and forth 3 times, got married, hurt others by getting back together the last time, and we were actually only trying to tie up loose ends. We should never ever have gotten married. NOW I've learned to just stay away from him. I was always a trophy woman for him to conquer, show off, and play with emotionally.

Unless you have a very strong marriage, or even if you do, connecting with the past can be good, or can be hurtful, usually both. To close open sores, have closure, hear apologies, are all wonderful. I've experienced a few of those from exes too. But, I have found, that exes are exes for a reason. Going back, and trying to reconnect with one, in one way or another, rarely allows you to move fully forward. If you keep looking back, you're liable to run into something hard and unforgiving.

I would recommend, that if you do want to stay in contact with him, do so via e-mail, staying away from "Remember when we did this, that or the other" in a sexual way. Reminiscing is good, to a point. I've always tried to at least be on friendly terms with exes, especially those that I chose to be intimate with. There are none I hate. I'd say "Hi" to any of them if we passed by each other. But old feelings can stir, and be mistaken for other things. If either of you have an unhappy part in your marriages, then, as Howard suggested, go to counselling. Don't try and fill the void.

Think of it this way, seperate yourself from this, and think, what if one of your husband's exes that he had strong feelings for, suddenly contacted him. Would you want HIM to reconnect with her?

Just some womanly food for thought.

[fay88]

It's great to get other people's thoughts on all this... I just couldn't bring myself to drag current friends or relatives into it, but I really needed to bounce my feelings off someone. Thanks for your input.

Just to clarify, my ex is NOT married now. I think that's one reason his contact has rocked me. The last time he contacted me (15 years ago), he'd finally divorced his first wife. I was dating someone, so we talked off and on for a few months, then lost contact again.

Now he's divorced from wife #2 and I guess I'm worried that he's fishing. I think I did a good job explaining to him (in email) that I'm very happy with my life right now and that I hope we can be friends. But in the (few) quiet moments that I've had since his messages started showing up in my inbox, I guess I've doubted my own motivations for staying in touch a bit. I avoided falling for him a second time 15 years ago (when I had a lot less to lose), so I'll have to do that again now!

As for how I'd feel if my husband had an old love contact him, we've already been through that! He traded letters, e-mails, even a few phone calls (at work) with his ex a couple of years ago, and we survived that with very little problem. That's why I want to be honest with him about my contact with my own ghost from the past.

Better go. Thanks again!

Hon, you have every right to conflicted about contacting this guy. It's perfectly normal to do so. There are strong feelings that go with your association with him. Especially where you're both married now. You all moved on from each other for reasons.

I've been there. My ex-husband was my first EVERYTHING when we were teens. We split, ended up going back and forth 3 times, got married, hurt others by getting back together the last time, and we were actually only trying to tie up loose ends. We should never ever have gotten married. NOW I've learned to just stay away from him. I was always a trophy woman for him to conquer, show off, and play with emotionally.

Unless you have a very strong marriage, or even if you do, connecting with the past can be good, or can be hurtful, usually both. To close open sores, have closure, hear apologies, are all wonderful. I've experienced a few of those from exes too. But, I have found, that exes are exes for a reason. Going back, and trying to reconnect with one, in one way or another, rarely allows you to move fully forward. If you keep looking back, you're liable to run into something hard and unforgiving.

I would recommend, that if you do want to stay in contact with him, do so via e-mail, staying away from "Remember when we did this, that or the other" in a sexual way. Reminiscing is good, to a point. I've always tried to at least be on friendly terms with exes, especially those that I chose to be intimate with. There are none I hate. I'd say "Hi" to any of them if we passed by each other. But old feelings can stir, and be mistaken for other things. If either of you have an unhappy part in your marriages, then, as Howard suggested, go to counselling. Don't try and fill the void.

Think of it this way, seperate yourself from this, and think, what if one of your husband's exes that he had strong feelings for, suddenly contacted him. Would you want HIM to reconnect with her?

Just some womanly food for thought.

[willtryanything]

I've been going through a lot of the same thing lately. It is flattering. We talk about all of the great times we had together. Neither of us are really happy with our spouses so we talk about that too. It makes me feel good. My husband doesn't really make me feel that way outside of the bedroom. I thought of him constantly for about two week, thinking about seeing him. Talking to him made me think my marriage is much worse than it really is. Then just yesterday I told my mother about it and she reminded me of things that I had forgotten about our relationship. I realized that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. The new will eventually wear off with him too and I'll be sick of him probably wishing for my husband to come back. I decided I won't take his calls anymore. If it doesn't work out with my husband, I want it to be because of us, not another man. Out of sight, out of mind. The grass is not greener. Good luck on this. I hope it works out.

[Kinky Twinkie]