Help! How Do I Get My Husband Into The Game?

[sailing_grrl]

Here's the background.

Before being married I was pretty wild. Many partners, anything goes.

A mutual friend set my hubby and I up. He was/is a really nice guy and didn't care/ask about my past sex history. Sex was OK....but he was a nice guy...and I was supposed to be looking for a nice guy.

We got married, had baby #1 ...still had sex...not frequently ...but with a kid and jobs we were tired.

Baby #2 came about 6 years ago up until 10/13/06 we hadn't had sex. I suggested many times over the course of those years with no luck. I wondered if he was having an affair he said no. We've had many trials and tribulations that many never have had to deal with. 1. I started making more money then him. 2. He found out that he had a bad kidney and had to have it removed. 3. He lost his job and had to take a job making less money. 4. We were hit by a hurricane and had to rebuild our home. 5. We lived with my parents for 18 mos while rebuilding. Any 1 of these could have caused a marriage to crumble.

Something finally snapped in me - my triggers were; turning 40, having a scare with possible breast cancer and having our 14 year anniversary.

Here is were the trouble begins...

I stopped taking the pill because we weren't having sex. Apparently my sexdrive was very suppressed by the hormones. WOW. I was masterbating constantly...but still missed intercourse.

So the Saturday morning before our anniversary (it fell on a weekday) I made a point of saying that we didn't to break the drought that night. He said OK and but was a bit standofish. We didn't work on any major projects. We had an early dinner...where I reminded him again that I wanted to have sex. He was already playing the I'm tired card. I was so mad.

So I tried calming down. I cried. Then I went up to see what was going on...he was already sleeping and our oldest had been watching TV with him...hmm that's great for the mood.

Then I went downstairs and really cried. I was the horniest that I'd ever been in my life and I was being rejected by my own hubby. I was mortified. So I started browsing for porn...found a couple of sites for hooking up and signed up...in a day or two I was IMing a guy and having phone sex with him...it felt good. I met the guy a few days later and we made out. It was wonderful.

Sunday morning when I told my husband how upset I was he didn't seem to care. I asked him if I was supposed to get a vibrator? He thought I already had one - I didn't - I felt like I had been punched - not sure why - but I was kind of like if you don't care enough to makesure that I'm satisfied then I might as well find a lover.

I asked for a separation....The next night he asked for marriage counseling....I had him fuck me that night and it was OK...just OK.

So the phone sex went on....I actually met another married man and had wonderful sex....I came twice it was delicious.

But I'm trying to save my marriage and while he is trying on the other stuff. He is having sex....it's just not passionate...This is why I'm here.

Last night we had a date night...I dressed sexy...I was dripping with excitement. We were going to christen the deck....He likes doggy...he couldn't get his freaking cock in my pussy to save his life. So instead of trying oral sex...we went to the bedroom...

I had bought some cock rings hoping that they would give him a harder erection. The first one was longer with nubs and support. I put whipped cream on him first and licked him clean. Then I put some warming lubricant on him where he freaked that it was burning. He went in and washed it off...in the mean time I lost it. I just felt like I keep putting in so much effort to try and please him yet there is no effort to please me. The one time that he actually tried to lick my pussy he complained, he didn't like the taste. That was it. Hasn't tried again....

During our date I tried to get him to talk dirty...try to touch like we were dating....we stopped at a pub for a drink and I stood next to him....no touching....he new I had a garter on...i expected him to rub my leg and ass to feel it...we were in a bar for god's sake.

What the hell can I do to get him to walk on the wild side?

[vtnympho]

I'd wait on suggestions from some of the more active/experienced members on the site. But I wanted to add my 2 cents even though I'm not and have never been married. I understand that you want to make your marriage work, but you can't do it alone. I feel like you've pulled out all the stops and he still isn't pulling his weight in the relationship. And to me, it isn't just about the sex. If he can't put in the effort on something that is supposed to be fun for BOTH of you, then he clearly isn't interested in putting effort into doing ANYTHING (not just sexual) to make you happy. If I was that upset and crying so much, my boyfriend better at least try to talk to me about it or he'd be getting the boot. Counseling could help, but I don't see how much is going to change through counseling if he already knows what your complaint is and won't try to fix it.

I guess I am of the opinion that you've done everything you can. It seems as though you have already flat out told him that if something doesn't change (and SOON) then you are going to leave him...and still nothing has changed. If this is the case, you are going to have to actually do it or suffer with his selfishness for the rest of your life. I realize that it's hard to end a marriage after so many years, but you have to think about what is going to keep you happy and healthy.

[sailing_grrl]

Thanks for the insight.

We are in counseling.

When I asked him why we hadn't had sex he blamed it on our youngest's bad habit of climbing into bed with us. Of course he could have arranged for the kids to spend the night with family.

[Mikayla1]

You poor thing! I am so sorry that you have to depend on extra marital affairs to get your affection - especially if you still love you hubby! I would caution you: BE CAREFUL! Meeting people on the internet can be a scary proposition. I understand that your hormones are in overdrive, but you don't want to meet some stalker / killer out there. Please be careful.

Now, I am what you would call a "more experienced" member, so I hope it is OK that I am giving advice. I don't know why you should wait, but oh well..... I think the heart of your husband's problem is he doesn't feel manly. A man's sexual performance is oftentimes directly connected to his other perfomances (i.e. job, household, money he makes - even being "sickly" because of the kidney can do it) I would bet that is at least a portion of his problem.

I would also bet that he has performance anxiety and / or an erectile dysfunction. This can be caused from the meds he takes from his kidney disease. It is also possible that he is just having issues on the ED side BECAUSE of the issues with his kidney. Those lower extremeties are sort of interconnected, and often times if there is a problem with the blood flow to one organ, the penis catches the blunt of it.

If you hubby has ever had a night when he was hard, then lost it, he may be worrying about it. You mention a night on the porch where he couldn't get his dick in your pussy. I think that it is because he lost the erection. This does not mean that he isn't attracted to you - it just could be one or more the above listed reasons.

I think the counseling is good, I think you also need to be focusing on foreplay and just adult play (as Howard says) together. Tell him you want a foreplay night - NO SEX. This takes the pressure way off him. Let him do you first, cause if he does get excited when you touch him, he won't want to loose it while he concentrating on you. Lie on the bed and tell him he can do ANYTHING to you, but no sex. Have him take his time. If he wants to do oral, fine, fingering - fine, but no intercourse. See if he can make you cum that way, then it is his turn, same rule. I know if he gets hard as a rock you will WANT to fuck him - DON'T. Let him relax a bit and just go with it.

Part of the issue with PE men is that when you tell them throughout the day that you want sex, as you said you have done, they get nervous and start worrying about whether it will go up or not. Whether it will stay hard long enough for sex, etc. Then, when it does go up they hurry through things to make sure it stays up. Listen, men like sex - LOVE sex - and when it depends on THEIR perfomance, that is a lot of pressure.

I also think that using a vibe with him is a good thing. Show him how you like to be pleasured. For many men, watching a woman with her vibe is an immense turn on. Have masturbation night, he watches you, you watch him. Then you do whatever - again NO SEX.

The next time you want sex, surprise him. Go to bed, lean over and just start sucking his cock. This doesn't give him time to worry about it. Then ride him to his orgasm and yours.

Having your son crawl in bed with you has got to stop as well. Mommy and Daddy need their time. I love when my son cuddles with me - but nighttime is MY time - so get a lock and keep him in his room. This will help too.

I hope some of my suggestions have helped. If you discover that it is ED, which I strongly suggest he get checked out, invest in some creams and a cock ring - it will help!

Good luck,

Mikayla

[sailing_grrl]

Thanks all.

Mikalya, I'll try the no sex just foreplay and see how that goes. When I meet up with an internet lover I let my girlfriends know who i'm with (email address, phone numbers, screen names).

Howard, i agree - the kid in bed is just an excuse. If he wanted to have sex he would find a way.