Husband Dilemma

[valeriesue]

I just found this forum today. I have read a lot of questions and answers and like how the moderators answer the posts. Moderators, you have a lot of good advice for people, sure hope you can help me.

My husband & I have been married for 23 yrs and we are in our 40's. We are both in good shape, attractive, not overweight, and no major medical problems, neither of us take any prescription or over the counter medications on a daily basis.

We get along well, and I am not aware of any problems in our relationship that would cause sex issues. This has kinda been an ongoing thing throughout our marriage, but now that we are a bit older, I am going through meno-pause and it has come more to the forefront.

I am revving up, feel freed from the demands of taking care of children, the home, etc. I would like to really spice up our sex life, I would like to have sex more often, and be more adventuresome. I would like it to be a priority with us to make it the best it can be. Our sex life has been ok over the years but sometimes a bit boring, other times, just great, it's had its ups and downs as most everyone's has who are involved on a long term basis, sometimes he has been the one with the stronger desire, and sometimes it was me with the stronger desire.

At this stage, it is me. I guess it's partly meno-pause & hormones, but I am wanting to do it more than I ever did, and more often than I ever did! I want to try new things, and have FUN with it! Do all those things we thought about when younger, but couldn't because of kids, money, lack of time or whatever.

Anyway, my husband is going in the opposite direction. This has become a big issue between us. I think I am going to go insane sometimes if we don't have sex more often. The more I want to, the more he backs away.

We did have a good heart to heart talk last week, and he says it's not because he doesn't desire to, it's because he is afraid of failing. He has always had a bit of an issue with fear of failing, in actuality, I can only remember two times in all the years we have been married that he was unable to perform. And I hate calling it that- perform. It's not a performance.

Also, aging is playing a part in his mind. "He is not the guy he was at 20 or 30". It doesn't just jump to attention at the mere thought of sex as it once did, and so on. I have told him this is totally normal for someone his age, and have tried my best to convince him I don't expect him to be 20 or 30 again, I'm not either (actually I am better now, LoL) When we do have sex, I am loving, and make sure to give him as much stimulation as he wants or needs by hand or orally, whatever he prefers at the time. I have tried to be sympathetic, understanding and loving about the whole thing. Also the issue of, when we do have an encounter, it's tense, mechanical, and he is not wanting to try anything new or different. It's like......hurry, I want to get this over with before it fails......I usually do have an orgasm, he does try to do that, and he usually succeeds because it is very easy for me to have an orgasm nowadays......I know he is stressed a lot from work, and he does seem to have trouble dealing with stress sometimes. I have asked him repeatedly to see his dr. and talk it over with him, and he keeps saying he will, but he never does. I have told him, there are medications that can help, and so on, but he feels medications do not get rid of the problem, they only manage the symptoms.

I am getting very fed up with this situation, and I don't know what to do. I do love him, I don't want a divorce or anything of the sort. I would never cheat. What can I possibly do to improve this situation, or how can I convince him to make it a priority to do something? I have told him how much it means to me, and he does know how I feel.

I can't tell you how low this makes me feel. I read so many postings from men who are frustrated because their wives are not interested or boring. Here I am just the opposite, and it is doubly hard because I am getting a little older too. Women start seeing little signs of aging in their appearance & thinking about a nip or tuck here and there, menopause starts, and as if that weren't enough, now this. Blast it all.

[Tyger]

First, welcome to the forum! We're glad to have new members!!

How cruel nature is to make a man's sex drive at it's peak at around the age of 18, and a woman's in her early 40's!! But there ya have it.

Your husband sounds like he has "Performance Anxiety". He's afraid of failing, so he wants to hurry up, and get it over with so that he won't be embarrassed that his little soldier isn't marching as fast or long as it use too. If he's had a problem with fear of failing all this time, there's not going to be a quick fix. And if he's stressed from work, well, all of these build and build and build.

It sounds like you're doing everything YOU can to help ease his fears. He is his own problem. It's like the saying "If you can't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?" He may need to talk to a counselor, or his doctor to express his concerns. If he can't address his issues, then there is no helping him. And he has to want to help himself. Medications may manage symtoms, but they also help build up confidence, and in doing so, they may help him perform better. Then, he may not need them. You may want to talk to your GYN too, and discuss your hormonal fluxes. He/she may have some suggestions to balance you out too.

As far as your sexual frustration, you didn't mention if you had any adult toys? Where he has such a low-self-esteem issue, this may be a delicate topic for him if you're wanting to start a collection of them. If you have some, great, he knows that you use them, and they're a great way of easing your frustrations. If not, when broaching the subject, I would strongly suggest that you tell him that adult toys are for ENHANCING a sexual relationship, and in NO WAY are you getting one (or several) to REPLACE him.

He may be scared at your aggressiveness, especially where he is fearful of failure. Maybe try romancing him one night. A night of slow seduction? Including back massages, soft lights, slow music? And if sex doesn't happen, so what? He may just need some nights where he feels that you're there for him, and a nice cuddle on the couch may be what he needs.

Good luck to you, and I hope that helps.

[MysticLady]

Howard, you doubled posted!

Liesl

[valeriesue]

Tyger, wow. I have read your post twice and still digesting it all. I am copying and pasting your post to a document and saving it so I can read it more slowly again anytime.You are good!! LoL No, I don't have any sex toys, but I am thinking of getting some. Not for me, but for us BOTH to have fun with. I would not want to replace him with toys, you are right, they would be to enhance our sex and have fun with. It just seems kinda empty, you know what I mean? It's not so much the orgasms I crave, it's the intimacy with HIM.

OH, by the way, we have discussed getting some toys at times, in a kidding playing manner. See, if there are to be any toys, he would never order them or visit a store. He would go along with it I think once I had them, but I would have to be the one to get them. And the only problem I have with that is, it makes me feel a bit whorish, as I would be the one to have to tell him what to do with them and so on; Where as, I think it would be fun if we both donned a pair of sunglasses and hit our local sex shop, together, LoL.

"How cruel nature is to make a man's sex drive at it's peak at around the age of 18, and a woman's in her early 40's!! But there ya have it." You are so right about that! But yet, others seem to find ways around it, and somehow I am too.

I will continue trying, when the opportunity presents itself, without being overtly pushy, to get him to discuss this with his Dr. Meanwhile, I am going to try some of your other suggestions, and, I will get back with you in a little while and let you know how things are working out. Your advice is right on the money, thank you so very much, and I do feel a bit of hope now, I was feeling so lousy when I posted my first message. Thanks again!

[valeriesue]

Howard:

Oh Howard. Oh Howard. If my dh were like you, I would be eating you alive every single day, LoL. "Your husband has never learned that sex is Adult play time." That is again, like the post from tyger, right on target.

No, he is not doing kegels. I do kegels, I have done them for years. I didn't know men were supposed to do kegels, where can I find some info about this? What is the technique for men to do them properly so they reap a benefit from them?

Yes, he has had regular checkups, and there are no physical reasons that have been found, to prevent him from having a great sex life.

Howard, all the other things you have mentioned, over the years, I have tried to do various things similar to these.

He just doesn't seem to respond. It has sometimes dissapointed me so damn much. There was a real rough patch when our kids were young that I seriously wanted to leave him, but, with two small children that was not so easy. In all other regards, he has been a great husband, companion, friend, and father and that always kept me from just up and leaving, and finding somebody else. I love sex, but, it's not the only ingredient in a good relationship.

I remember once, this was several years ago, I was trying then to spice up our sex life, it was ongoing and often, but bland.

I used to pack a lunch for him to take to work. I made him two sandwiches like I always did. But on the first one, the one he would take out of the bag first, I put a pair of my lacy g string panties on it with lettuce, mayo, tucked all in the bread real nice so they didn't show from the outside. He gets in the workplace lunchroom, takes out his sandwich, not really paying attention, takes a big bite, and out comes my g string. :^) Of course, he got the envy of all men there, and razed about it daily for quite awhile. But you know what, he didn't even want to make love that night when he came home. It was a little crushing and that sort of rejection is hard on the ego. I have called him at work, and very graphically told him what all I wanted to do when he got home that night. I have sent him sexy emails and left cards around just for him. I did hand make him a coupon book once, for his birthday, full of naughty coupons to redeem. Again, several years ago. He still has it. He kept it, a keepsake, but never used it, never made a game of it.

There have been other occasions as well, and after several of these kind of rejections, it makes you not want to try anything else and give up.

I know he enjoys sex, I know he thinks about it, but for some reason, he finds it all a bit embarrassing and he represses his urges. And along with it, mine too, LoL.

I think your suggestions are wonderful and I would be game for any or all of them! Getting him to agree would be the thing. If I jumped in the shower he would tell me he needed to hurry up and get ready for work. LoL

Maybe after he is more on the road to seeing that it's OK to have some fun, then your suggestions would be superb!

I am keeping your post as I am the one from the other moderator, and I hope one day I will be able to do some of the things you suggested! Thanks a bunch for your time and advice!

PS I am just rereading your post. The first time around I missed the part about morning sex. Interesting. I didn't know that about men. Wonderful to have a man tell me that. Now that is something I think maybe we could manage, morning sex, and a good way to maybe jump start things. Ok, I'm gonna try that first, LoL!

Your husband has never learned that sex is Adult play time. Its suppose to be fun. Its not a job, or a performance, as you have noted. He is not having sex with a hooker- you are his wife, and lover!

You say you are both in good shape. Is he doing Kegels? If he does his kegels he will strengthen his PC muscles, which help maintain erections, and help him get it up quicker, too. I suspect he isn't doing them at all.

I recommend:|

First, have him get a full medical checkup with his doctors, to make sure he doesn't have any organic problems that account for his lack of performance, such as it is!

Second, put the fun back in the your sex life. When was the last time you sent him to work after he had an orgasm? When was the last time you climbed into his morning shower with him, and washed him and massaged him, and then rinsed him off, and dried him, and pampered the hell out of him? If you have sex in the morning before he goes to work, do you call him at work to thank him and tell him how much you like how you feel after he has F@#$ ed the Heck out of you? How you like feeling his cum slowly dripping out of your pussy, and going down your leg, and how much you want to F@#$% his brains out as soon as he gets home? When is the last time you rented a motel, or hotel, showed up at his office just before lunch, and taken him out for a " nooner"? Dress as sexy as hell, so everyone at work has to look twice to recognize you? Be as seductive towards him in front of his co-workers as you can! When have you sent him a greeting card- alterned to be as salacious invitation as you can make to him, sent to him at work, and marked " Personal ". ? Include a " coupon " for one free ________________ you fill in the blank, when he gets home.

My point in all this is to keep him off his usual sex- before- going- to- sleep routine, where sex is more a tension reliever, than a time to have fun with you. If he claims to be stressed from his job, a short nap after getting home should be all the refreshing he needs. Then molest him when he wakes up.

For a guy who has a history of performance anxiety, I think you have to stop letting him off the hook after he has his first climax. He should be good for at least 3 a day, and in an evening. That doesn't mean he won't need a little loving help in getting that next erection, but the second always lasts longer, as does the third, and that is the real play time for women! I believe that once he truly knows that he can get that second and third, and, on a really good day, a fourth erection. all his concerns about performance will go away.

The reason for sending him off to work after he climaxes is that a man's testicles are a little factory all their own, and we men actually feel tenerness, and a growing fullness as the guys replenish the supply of sperm and semen. When men only have sex before going to sleep, they sleep through this little fact of life, and at his age, he may not remember what it was like to have his balls talking to him for hours on end. Give him the opportunity to remind himself. They in turn will keep his mind on sex, and that will keep his mind on you, and all the fun you provide him as his best friend, wife, and lover! When his secretary tells him you are on the phone, he will get a small hard-on- good for the ego, and a good reminder to do his kegels. When you flirt with him, and thank him for the wonderful sex you had that morning, his mind will definitely take a break from stresses on the job!

If you send your guy to work with a lunch pail, put a salacious note in the inside of the bucket for him to find at noon, when he's eating with the other guys. Or put it in the sandwich, or at least wrap it up in with the sandwich, so he doesn't see it right off hand.

I have a very good friend who picked up her BF one day at work, and took him for a nooner. All the guys where whistling at her, and she was putting on an act, waving her butt to them in an exaggerated walk, etc. When she dropped him off, she got out of the truck cab, and made an exaggerated wipe of her mouth and then licked her fingers in front of the guys, smiled at them, winked, as if what they thought happened DID( and they were right ), so they let out a second whoop and holler, and applauded her, and her BF, and, of course, kidded him about having the right stuff still at his age, all day long. She reported he was rearing to go when he got home that night.

So, reorganize your love life, to break him out of his bad habits, and make sure you get the amount of sex you want. Twice a day is not too much for any couple, and more on weekends should be expected. After all, you are having fun, not counting orgasms, or keep track of them for the final bill.

Have fun.

Howard

[Mikayla1]

Tyger definitely hit the nail on the head here.....it is indeed a cruel fate that women are at their sexual peaks in their 40's and men in their 20's - but, you know what? It doesn't have to be that way!

Statistically, the more sex a man has, the more he wants. This includes oral attention. So, the way to get him back in the mood is to give him more to think about. As Howard says, sex is adult play and begins OUTSIDE of the bedroom - up to a few days BEFORE sex! Yes, this means you have to nibble on his ear, grab his crotch, leave him sexy notes - BUT the most important thing is - you have to ASSURE HIM that you WILL NOT be upset if the night ends with his little man not working.

Every man's penis goes through stages during sex. It is hard, then softer, then hard then softer and generally very hard right before orgasm. When men get older, many men experience more of the soft stages and this freaks them out. What was once their rock hard spear of love has not become a soft, unwilling partner. Even if they were not going to stay soft, they worry so much their erection decreases.

Since he obviously has PA (performance anxiety) I would definitely do what Howard suggests and have him checked out by a doctor AND a urologist. He may not be too receptive to this at first, cause what man wants to say that his penis doesn't always want to work - and once he is cleared by the doctors you can go from there.

If he has a penile issue - there are great drugs and natural remedies available to help him get his confidence back. He may find that a few nights of guaranteed performance will really get his confidence back.

In the meantime I have a few suggestions. Do not over talk the situation. If he thinks you are constantly thinking about how or if he will perform, then it makes it worse.

Second, try foreplay only nights. By agreeing that you will NOT have sex during your night of fun, it takes the pressure off. You can touch each other, massage each other, he can give you oral - you can give him oral - and once he realizes that there is no pressure to perform and that he can give you orgams without his penis - he will begin to relax. It is important that he knows you LOVE him no matter what. Men think that they are failing when they can't perform - it is extremely personal to them. So, take the pressure off - have foreplay nights.

Third, try giving him a night all to himself. He gets all the attention. You expect NOTHING in return. He can relax and enjoy the sensations. You will be amazed at how quickly his penis gets excited when he doesn't have to worry about performing.

Fourth, have YOU only nights where he pleasures you only with his mouth and his fingers - no pressure for sex. When he reconnects with you on a physical level, sees your nakedness your excitement for HIM, he will forget about those issues and soon will want to fuck the hell out of you. It happens - it is a psychological release of anxiety.

Fifth, you can try cock rings. Cock rings are a real aid for men with PD issues. It helps to keep the penis hard because the blood is not allowed to flow back out of the penis. It is an inexpensive and easy fix for many men in his situation.

Sixth, when it comes time for sex - let him pleasure you first. Many men who once were dynamos in the sack, find that they can't have foreplay with their woman and keep their penis erect. It is a cruel joke of nature that this happens but it does. So, let him pleasure you first - and when you are satisfied with an orgasm or two, start to touch and reciprocate to him. Give him oral until he is ready for sex. Let him know that you are satisfied and happy and just want to make him happy. The pressure to keep it up all that time will be eleviated and sex will be better.

While I do advocate the use of sex toys - I would be wary of making him feel inadequate with himself. You do not want to REPLACE him with toys, you want to supplement him. Try to find things you can use together. He may find that watching you play wtih your toys makes him super horny. Or, it could go the other way and he could feel inadequate - be wary and talk to him first.

I hope that some of these suggestions help - now go on the road to recovery and your sex life will be better than ever before you know it!

Mikayla

[valeriesue]

Thank you all again. There is one suggestion I got from a friend today that wasn't mentioned here. I talked to the dh about it, and even though he is in good shape he has never had a test for low testosterone level. I looked at one of the drug company's sites and so did he. They had a printable questionaaire, which he said he would answer and see a urologist about it to see if this is something that might me causing this problem. That is one thing that hasn't been ruled out!