Will I Ever Trust Again

[curlie1798]

I divorced a cheating husband in 2004. Have dated several people, now in love with man that I have been dating for over a year. I have no reason not to trust him, other than he is a bit of a flirt and goes out with the boys once in a blue moon. But like tonight, his corporate boss is in town and they are taking all the sales reps out. My mind plays tricks on me. Is his boss really in town? Is he going to take someone home with him from the bar they end up in? Will he call me when he gets home or will he come home? Next week he has to go out of town for 3 days. He will be in the city of his first x wife. I already know I will be insane.

Here's what's sad. I am a family counselor. I know that I don't need a man, am not dependant on anyone for my happiness and even if he stayed home every night and never looked at another woman he could still cheat on me. I cannot control those things. But I don't know how to get a hold of my mind from making stuff up! I talk to a guy friend who says I am the my greatest enemy.

Any hints, clues as to how to deal with myself. The relationship is nothing but wonderful so please don't analyze that. It's me, just my mind.

Has anyone else survived this craziness and come out on the other side?

[DirtyBlonde]

Has anyone else survived this craziness and come out on the other side?

I can relate to your post curlieque. I am in the process of divorcing a husband like that, but he had many other issues besides cheating. After all the crap my stb-ex put me through, I have a very hard time trusting men...but I don't want to punish one man for something another did to me so I try real hard to keep MY issues in check.

I am currently in a relationship as well, for about a year...he is such a good person & everything I ever wanted but it isn't an ideal situation...without going into detail, I'll just say it's like Heaven & Hell for me (mostly Heaven, he makes me laugh & the sex rocks, lol). I love this guy so much and the last thing I want to do is cloud his day with my issues/insecurities (basically same things you spoke of) ...I have no reason really to think the things I do sometimes...it's all ME and my messed up head.

I really don't have any advice for you....I'm pretty new here and just wanted to show some support and say it's not just you, I deal with the same stuff.....it's tough!! Good Luck & hang in there, I know I'm gonna (he's worth it!!)

[curlie1798]

Thanks Dirty Blonde,

He called about an hour later. We had a great talk, laughed, planned some adventures for the weekend. And the world was a happy place again.

Trust is hard to earn when I won't let him. I have high hopes for this one though! He is my dream man!

I can relate to your post curlieque. I am in the process of divorcing a husband like that, but he had many other issues besides cheating. After all the crap my stb-ex put me through, I have a very hard time trusting men...but I don't want to punish one man for something another did to me so I try real hard to keep MY issues in check.

I am currently in a relationship as well, for about a year...he is such a good person & everything I ever wanted but it isn't an ideal situation...without going into detail, I'll just say it's like Heaven & Hell for me (mostly Heaven, he makes me laugh & the sex rocks, lol). I love this guy so much and the last thing I want to do is cloud his day with my issues/insecurities (basically same things you spoke of) ...I have no reason really to think the things I do sometimes...it's all ME and my messed up head.

I really don't have any advice for you....I'm pretty new here and just wanted to show some support and say it's not just you, I deal with the same stuff.....it's tough!! Good Luck & hang in there, I know I'm gonna (he's worth it!!)

[Mikayla1]

I can COMPLETELY understand how you feel. My hubby travels a lot for work, spends many nights "out with the bosses" and generally is out and about most days. I do NOT feel insecure about it even though I have been cheated on in the past. The reason: if I sound insecure and question where he is, that makes ME look insecure and doubtful and I can't portray that, even if I felt it internally. It took a lot for me to trust my hubby after my ex cheated on me. I was always secure and felt like NO ONE would cheat on ME....well, I was wrong. People cheat for different reasons. My ex was caught literally eating out a woman who was much, much larger and very unattractive when compared to me - and I am not being arrogant - it was true. He cheated with her because he could. He had a complusion to fuck anything that walked in front of him, and that night it was her.

I had to realize that my hubby was NOT like that. That he didn't deserve to pay for the sins of my ex - so I trust him and I let things go and don'tmention things. That makes me happy and our marriage secure. That is what it boils down to - you kind of have to trust them until they fuck you over. Or, at very least, give them some rope to hang themselves....lol!

Good luck!

Mikayla

[Tyger]

I am so sorry for the things that your ex did, but hon, you are NOT alone! Being a counselor, you should KNOW that. Yes, you "know" all the mental tools needed to overcome this issue, but it's harder to apply that knowledge to yourself! As they say, "easier said, than done".

I too, have been the victim of a cheating spouse. I would swear that Mikayla and I are almost mirror twins when it comes to experiences like this! My ex also had a tendancy to be overly flattered by any wman that would say "Hi" to him, and pay him the slightest compliment. It made him feel good about himself. We were highschool sweathearts, and he claimed that I was the True-Love-Of-His-Life. Even with the signs of his infidelity all around me, I doubted that he would cheat on ME. He cheated on everyone else....but he'd never ever do that to ME.....yeah, ok!!

My father died, and I got his computer. At the time, I was truly computer illiterate. Turning the computer on scared me! We got the internet, and slowly, I got CONNECTED!! I had fun, went on AOL chat rooms, e-mailing became easier and easier. But it started off slowly, but eventually got worst: his accusing me of cheating online (his view was that even flirting was cheating). Everything really came to a head when, after months of training, I was an instructor at a computer training center. I could dive deep into the inner programing of a computer, retrieve lost files....and so on.

A dear friend of mine told me she had IMed me several times and it was my ex, posing as me, checking my e-mails and so on. I always say that, even though I don't have anything to hide, I like my privacy. Well, screw him I thought. I created all his passwords and SNs, so I went delving. I found that he was flirting with women online, using a now non-existent "talk chat room" thing to vocally flirt and cyber with girls. He also was downloading nude pics of LOCAL women (most of which were a lot bigger than I was~which shocked me since I busted my ass keeping slim and he said he loved my lithe body), and also sending out nude photos of himself masturbating. I found a disc of him (that he'd labelled "don't look at or touch" DUH! So, of course, I looked at, copied, and was just disgusted!! I also found sites and deleted e-mails, & chat logs proving that he'd cheated. I copied everything.

All this, and him not paying his share of anything, while he was away on his annual hunting trip, I contacted a lawyer, and told our landlord he wasn't allowed in the apartment when I wasn't there anymore, and why. Changed the locks, and divorced him.

Looking back, I knew deep down that he'd cheat on me. I was more offended that he thought I was soooo ignorant about the whole thing. Knowing how computer savy I'd become! Plus, I don't think I'm an overly ignorant woman (usually).

As far as getting over all of this, well, it's hard, for sure. But, I've learned in a very short time, that if a person, male or female, wants to cheat, they're gonna cheat, no matter how much effort or time you put into them. And, if my man wants to cheat, fine, but he won't be mine anymore, cuz I can live without him. I've done it before, and I can do it again. I've always gone into relationships (even as a teen) telling the guys that they're in my life cuz I WANT them to be, not cuz I NEED them to be. It would hurt if my hubby cheated on me, but I will survive, no matter what. Especially now, where I have my daughter. I have to be strong for her, no matter what happens. I think that a lot of it has to do with attitude, and self-esteem really.

Sorry this was long winded. I wish you the best!! And, don't let your new man pay for your exes mistakes. Take his word on things, especially if he hasn't given you reason NOT to!!

*hugs*