Sensitive Questions. Need Some Advice.

[starshine]

Hi:

I am very new to the board here and am not exactly sure where to start. I have many questions and hope all of you will be patient. While I don't wish any bad things on anyone, I do hope someone out here shares some of the problems my hubby and I are facing.

It is difficult to post this on a board of strangers but I am at the point now where I want to find information and this seems to be the only place to find it. The articles are interesting and informative but I wish more subjects similar to ours were written and discussed. If I mess up or get off track, please forgive me.

My husband and I have been together for nearly two decades. We each bring certain medical conditions to the relationship which we have learned to live with though the most recent have strained our marriage. I am legally blind but have some light perception. Additionally, I have systemic lupus erythemosus and degenerative joint disease. My husband has juvenile diabetes and recently has had problems with diabetic neuropathy and arthritis. It simply comes with age and diabetes. Several year ago, we started having problems b/c that was when I learned of the SLE and DJD. Life was difficult enough with two children, both of whom I nearly lost during my pregnancies because of complications of premature labor, placenta previa, etc... and spent much of both pregnancies on bedrest and in the hospital. After the complications that came later with SLE/DJD, I opted to have a partial hysterectomy. During that time, I found out I was going through early menopause too so yes, I take HRTs to balance my hormone levels. It took a long time to get the medications adjusted to control the pain and other symptoms of SLE/DJD. During that time, we argued, went through denial, anger, and finally have ended up at acceptance. The kids are older too so now we have time to work on our relationship again and I am glad to say it is working out beautifully but there are problems. for instance, we have had to learn new positions because of our physical limitations. I have concerns because the partial hyst. left me without a cervix and the pregnancies left my kegal muscles very weak despite persistent kegal muscle excercises.

Not too long ago my husband expressed an interest in sex toys. Each of us have had previous experience but it was prior to our relationship so as you can imagine, more than two decades later, we are old dogs learning new tricks and doing so with unique medical/positioning/stamina/etc.. issues into the picture. We have always used warming lotions, massages, and even last year we bought a spa and had a room built onto the house for privacy. Great for when the kids are away with family or sleepovers with friends. I have no idea where to begin as far as toys beyond warming lotions.

We each bring unique fears too. My blindness leaves me a bit unsettled because I have learned to be a tactile person. I have considered buying an eye mask for him so he can experience the tactile world in which I live in where the role of sight is pretty much nil. He wants to try vibrators and such but I am concerned because my body is not as it was years ago because of the surgery. I have no cervix so that causes some, hopefully understandable, reluctance. At least the fear of pregnancy is no longer an issue. Thankfully each of us are open-minded enough to explore each other with little to no inhibitions. It is simply times have changed and we need spice in our sex lives but I have no clue where to begin. Our former encounters prior to marriage were so very very long ago. We made it through the worst years and now are working our way back to a healthy one-on-one relationship. It's nice the kids can care for themselves for short periods of time. The SLE came about around the time I weaned our youngest daughter from the breast so it is really great that he sees me as more than simply a food source for our youngest child. That was one of the biggest arguments/resentments we had just prior to the SLE and DJD diagnoses.

I hope I haven't overstepped my questions or explanations here. If I have, please forgive me. I just thought it would be easier if I gave as many facts as possible. I even considered a sex therapist but with our schedules and the privacy we each so desperately enjoy, it would never have worked out. I think our marriage would've suffered more than it did. At least we found our way back to one another. I am thankful for that at least.

Thanx,

SS

[crznbye]

Hi:

I am very new to the board here and am not exactly sure where to start. I have many questions and hope all of you will be patient. While I don't wish any bad things on anyone, I do hope someone out here shares some of the problems my hubby and I are facing.

<SNIP>

I hope I haven't overstepped my questions or explanations here. If I have, please forgive me. I just thought it would be easier if I gave as many facts as possible. I even considered a sex therapist but with our schedules and the privacy we each so desperately enjoy, it would never have worked out. I think our marriage would've suffered more than it did. At least we found our way back to one another. I am thankful for that at least.

Thanx,

SS

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Wow SS, You do have your challenges in front of you.

With your blindness - I would think you have a great deal of trust and faith in your husband which should help greatly ease your tentions in your explorations of toys and sex.

If you are nervous about a vibrator - what about trying something like the Massager. There is the old Hitatchi one that seems to be on all the adult toy sites. There is also that little chinese finger massager - they've got one on this site, called the fucukoo or something - but you can find it cheaper on the "as seen on tv" type sites.

Anyhow - point being - since you and your hubby already give each other massages, why not try a massaging tool to help with the massages. Then as you build up trust with this you can explore other areas that the massagers might feel good, if ya know what I mean.

[Muffy]

You may be considered to be legally blind but where I'm from, legally blind doesn't mean one cannot see any light. It merely means one cannot see clearly and the help of strong glasses still don't make all clear. The progressive or fast type of macular degeneration could be as bad where one sees light but it is only shadows. The slower moving type has a person with no vision in the center of the eye and only around the outside radius. That is somethng that should never hold up an active sex life. The bone trouble should be something to ponder. If it has reached the point where a break may occur then I can see to take it slo and easy. Many of the others may be overcome with proper diet, exercise and good advice from a person that is mnot in it just for a counseling fee.

I would say that both of you have the prime body parts needed for one of the main facets of super sex. You have your hands, mouths, tongues and lips. What more is needed for good oral sex?? As for vaginal sex it is a try and try again as for positions that suit and work best for both of you. There are so many positions for you to try. If you're shy then you will be up the creek. If not ask a close lady friend about the diff positions. You may ask her to show you and in extreme circumstances go thru them with you.

The same may hold for your husband although men aren't as close and talkkitive with each other as we women. In some cases I have known men that blabbed all the time about any and everything.

I can't think of anything else at the moment. Let some of the other ladies chime in Good luck - hope that helped ...............

[starshine]

there are varying degrees of blindness. My blindness is based on degrees of peripheral vision but my central vision is affected too. My central is toast basically. The peripheral vision is at around 5 degrees. In order to drive in the state in which I live one has to have at least 60 degrees or better. As you can see, I can't drive and haven't for over 10 years.

The one aspect of my marriage I have always loved is the fact my hubby and I can talk to one another but, being a man and never having dealt personally with blindness or joint disease, it leaves somewhat of a gap. We are and have worked different positions and it does help somewhat. The difficult part is nights when I absolutely cannot function at all. This is usually during a long day or a lupus flare.

We are at a point where we want something a little more exciting than simple massages, while they feel great, we have simply grown as a couple. After over a decade together marriage and nearly two decades together total, it's time for more growth or at least I believe so anyhow.

Today I bit the bullet and discussed vibrators with my mother. She has spent extended time between husbands and boyfriends so she had a lot to offer. I found a local shop yesterday. It was rather interesting. My uncle took me to a local tattoo parlor where I got my first navel piercing. I had my tattoo done there two years ago. It still looks great. Anywho, there is an adult shop next door and it is very reputable and clean. I found a few small items for trying so that takes care of some things. Mom and I will probably head back to the store in question next week. Maybe we can find something for both my hubby I to enjoy together as well as something I can use for my own personal pleasure for when he isn't home or is too tired to play. The OT at work is killing our night hours. Work and kids fill up day hours except on weekends.

I guess what I am looking is something that can keep my marriage as healthy as possible in all departments but expecially in the bedroom because of my health issues as they are much worse and more advanced than his own. He does well in making sure I am not hurting or if I develop a kink or muscle spasm he is quick to massage it out for me. He really is a teddy bear. For as much as he does for me, I want to return the favor as often and as pleasurable as possible. My blindness and joint disease makes this somewhat difficult at times.

To give you an idea of how well I see, anything beyond an inch or two is completely out of focus. Beyond that, I see shadows but not clear shapes. My peripheral or side vision: top, bottom, side, and side, is completely gone. I rely on my other senses almost all the time.

As for the joint issue, yes I have cracked my hip joint a couple of times since the onset of the disease. One particular time my physician believes could possibly have come from getting a little too rough in the bedroom. I didn't dare tell my hubby or he would have been afraid to touch me afterward. I'm quick to let him know if I am I uncomfortable or if a position doesn't work but a fractured joint would send him over the edge. You see, he is a fixer and unfortunately with these diseases and the stages of these diseases, there are no cures nor definite meds to slow the progress. I work with what I have and make the best of it. Hey, it could be worse. I'm thankful it isn't but it could be much much worse.

SS

SS

[starshine]

update:

I found the nicest little cock ring at the adult store today along with the lubication with a nice taste to it. The ring for him has the little handles on the edges so it makes it easier for him or I to put it on or take it off. It is very tactilely made. I appreciate this part immensely. Anyhow, even though he was tired, it tripped his trigger that I was thinking enough about him to stop into the local shop looking something for us. He has no problem at all with my mother going with me next visit to find a vibrator. (Mom has more experience in that area than I and she also lives with a joint disease as well as several surgeries for ovarian/cervical/uterine polyps, etc...)

Hubby did bring up one comment during our discussion and that related to his fear that I might prefer the vibrator to time with him. I replied with a simple but loving, "that's not going to happen because I expect you (him) to help me figure out how to work the thing." He actually laughed and it was one of the most wonderful, sexy, softest laughs I have heard from him in a while now. He did enjoy the ring I got with the handles on it for ease of removal but when I mentioned getting one with the clitoris addition, he suggested I not go overboard in the toy department. I assured him it would not happen while adding that I am looking something he and I both can enjoy together. This set his mind at ease and we had yet another wonderful evening together after the kids went to bed.

Now I find that perhaps my initial fears were unfounded. We talk a lot but with two kids, the house, my guide dog, etc... there was less and less time for some one on one. I felt even better in the last few days because he noticed I am wearing many of the clothes I wore when we began dating. Having two kids and having doctors strictly forbid any exercise outside of water PT makes losing weight difficult but after a year or so, I can now fit nicely into some of my older clothes including lingerie. We are still working on positioning and so far that is going well. I know from his sensitive side that it would nearly destroy him if he knew our love-making had anything to do with cracking a hip or other joint so between thet two of us, we somehow manage to slow down when the timing gets heated to the point of my not caring what happens to my joints as long as we both get that so-much needed sexual tension relief. I'm also taking time to read up on positions for those of us with chronic illnesses. I'm so glad he and I can speak openly. There are far too many couples that do not share our openness. Perhaps it has as much to with our being friends first or just being open and frank with each other.

[starshine]

Another update:

I made another trip to the little shop in town. I was not able to go with my mother because she had other obligations that could not be put off. My uncle took me and was not upset when I asked if he minded remaining in the van while I went inside alone.

There were so many different items to choose from but the cost was a major factor too. I did find a rather slim vibrator with a g-spot turn on the end with nibs. It is waterproof too. I asked the employee, who is an older gentleman but quite kind and informative, if it would work in our spa. He assured me that as long as it had waterproof on it, it would indeed work in the spa. I decided on that, a set of the orgasm balls, and some warming lotion, which I was out of at home. The orgasm balls were a bit of a disappointment. Since my hysterectomy, I find that I am shorter inside and they do not fit well. MOF, they are somewhat painful so I had to put them in a drawer toward the back probably never to see the light of day again. I wish now I had opted for the Ben Wa ones since they were smaller but I felt they would be entirely too small. It seems since my cervix is gone, that reduced size as far as depth. Not a problem since hubby has more girth than length. Anyhow, I haven't shown him the vibrator yet since there hasn't been time but we have used the massage warming oils. We both love those types of lotions. The heated feeling not only heats us but it also seems to work well on my joints, especially hip and pelvic area.

This morning I showed my husband my navel piercing. He may have already been aware of it, MOF I am certain since he got a little irritated at a man who was oogling my tummy the other weekend after I wore a cute half shirt with jeans out when we went to town shopping. It was a little payback for his constantly making remarks regarding beautiful women he sees walking by. He knows this annoys me. Not many men are open enough to flirt with a women that happens to have a 70 to 80 pound guide dog at their side. To make a long story short, we had a long discussion regarding what happened and he now knows how much his comments hurt my feelings and they have stopped altogether at least when he is with me. What he talks about with the "boys" is entirely up to him and he is free to oogle all he wants as long as he remains faithful but I simply do not want to hear it. It's hard enough to imagine yourself sexy and desirable when you can't see yourself in the mirror. All I know of my body now is what I am told and what I can feel. I know my weight is down and my tummy is flatter than it has been in many years. This is only because my teen is a bit jealous of my tummy being flatter than her own and she is nearly 18. I'm 35.

Yesterday I finally got the go ahead to try some light jogging from my doctor. He knows I walk extensively when I am able but try not to push it because my joints are so bad. As long as I wait two weeks or until this cold bug is gone and I take care to tape my knee and ankles before going out, he said I could do light jogging but nothing too strenuous. I also cannot do the full mile I am walking. If I jog, it has to be in quarter to half mile intervals with plenty of stretching beforehand. If there is no pain and my orthopod doesn't have a problem, I can continue that pace and that distance. Everything else has to remain in water. They still won't budge on the hip or knee replacement yet. Hubby is concerned with my jogging. I told him I promised my doc to only do so with my guide dog or a sighted person, always have my cell phone with me, and only do so when I know for certain someone is home to call that can come get me should I fall or get hurt or pull something. I'm making progress. I've toned about as much as possible in the spa. I've always been an active person, broken bones and all but now I have to be extra careful. I hope the added exercise of jogging will strengthen other mucles and make our bedroom experience better. My guide is very good at fast walking and slow walking but I will have to teach him to jog with me since his number one goal is guiding. He will need to learn to guide in a jog speed. He can do it though. He is a smart rascal.

As soon as we get time without kids, I want to bring out the vibrator and have a go with it. It's small enough to use for both of us and not just in a vaginal area. It will work as well on him as me, according to the man at the shop. He has given me some great advice too. The size can in no way whatsoever intimidate hubby either. <grin>

Thanks for all the information and help. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all your ideas and encouragement. Many on the chronic pain list I run are beyond where I am now as far as sex goes. Their sexual relationships are almost nonexistent because they are at the area where broken and fractured joints play a major factor. As long as hubby and I keep it slow and calm, it shouldn't be a problem for at least another year or so, possibly a little longer I hope. I am planning to speak at length with my orthopod at my next visit to see if he can give advice in this area too. My appointment is coming up soon so hopefully I can get answers sooner rather than later. Each appointment is somewhat staggered. I see my regular doc who takes care of most of my lupus checkups. I also see the rheumatologist if there is a problem my regular doctor cannot handle. Then I see the orthopod for checks on my knee and hip progress. Then I see another doc for any issues that my regular doc can't handle regarding my immune system. They all speak frequently and keep excellent notes.

SS

PS: Forgive the length of the post. I had a lot to catch up on. Now I am trying to recoup from this dreadful cold. My girls were sick and my doc thinks I have caught what they had.

[KNIGHTDJ]

Being legally blind without my glasses makes it fun to touch my wife or partner it has made me more aware of when the person is really getting turned on instead of faking it! Oral sex is the primary sourse of pleasure given to my wife who too has early menopuase dose not enjoy straight sex as much as she used to, at least not with an average size penis. She has cheated on me with a very well hung black man and enjoyed deep cervix sex painful but enjoyable she said! Her being turned off to sex the good old way has made it exciting from the start. She at first had trouble dealing with it so she suggested becoming my sex slave and she would do what ever she was told to do. She did too! At least for three years. Now I love her orally and anally and she counteracts and things are great! I have dieabetise and am now having some ED problems but the pump really helps with this and the wife says the long staying power and size while using the piump and rings gives her the added time to ENJOY!

Good luck and try everything it works!