What Do You Do When You've Done All You Can

[Jarielle]

I have been in a relationship for close to 10 years, things have always been some highs, and huge lows. But love was always there. Now after kids and time I feel like I am just now what he wants anymore. We have had countless late night heart to hearts and I feel like he hears me and things will be better. They just never are. He tells me over and over that he still loves me but his actions say otherwise. How do you walk away from someone that you love so deeply. What do you do when in your heart you feel like he isn't here anymore?

[Tyger]

Now, mind you, I am posting MY opinions, from MY past experiences, ok?

Well, if you've truly done all you can do in your relationship (I'm assuming that ALL YOU CAN DO includes marriage counseling as well), and he's just NOT getting it, it's called TRIAL SEPERATION.

Sometimes they work, showing the couple what they've been missing. When in a relationship for a long time, things can get monotonous, and people take each other for granted. Other times, a trial seperation shows the couple that it's just time for the relationship to end, exposing aspects of life that you may have forgotten is out there. It's a hard thing to do, and hard thing to actually face.

Begging. pleading, talking until you're blue in the face, crying, demanding, bitching, frantic sex, witholding sex, huffing, puffing, and practically blowing the house down.....well, there's gotta be a line drawn in the sand somewhere, even if you have kids, where you need to put your foot down and tell him and yourself that you deserve better. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated, not how he feels you're just OK with.

I did so with my ex. He just didn't see that not only was he taking advantage of a substantial inheritance I'd recieved, or that I was extremely tolerant of him and his slacker ways, and that I deserved to have his full attention AND support. At first, I had booted him out due to lack of responsibility to finances. Then I dug deeper, and found overwhelming evidence as to WHY he wasn't paying a lot of attention to me, but lots of cybering on the internet. I knew he wouldn't change, no matter how much we talked. We'd talked A LOT while dating, and even when we were engaged. I told him that I was too old, even in my mid-20's, to play games. He knew from the get-go That I would NOT tolerate cheating, using, or neglecting. He did all 3. He just didn't care about how *I* wanted to be treated. He just cared about a roof over his head, a trophy wife to take to town every so often, and food in the kitchen. Oh hell no......I was doing everything else on my own. I felt, by the time I kicked him out, that he was just taking up space that I could use! And it would cost less financially as well as emotionally.

Now, I am not at all saying that your hubby is cheating. This was MY experience. I set boundries a long time ago, that I still adhere to today. Maybe I am a bit overly assertive, (some say a bitch ) but I know what I want, and HOW I will accept being treated.

Communication is key. But so is comprehension and actively showing your partner you are willing to give what they want a go, change for the good of the relationship. He may SAY he understands, and he probably DOES understand. But if there's no effort, there's no relationship.

[timsolady]

Just to tell you from my experience, I've been with my husband for 24 years, since I was 17 years old. Four months ago I took a good job out of state, 1200 miles away. We did talk on the phone quite a bit but mostly because I was the one who took care of everything, kids, bills etc. By the end of the second week, he told me that he couldn't believe how much he missed me. He's been out here twice for a few days at a time and I've been there twice for a few days each time. He's fallen completely in love with me all over again, now when we see each other we can't stand to be apart, the times we are at work and the other is waiting feels like an eternity. We've talked more in the last four months than we had in 20 years. The sex is absolutely amazing, the intimacy (which was almost non existant) is so passionate, its like we are teenagers again, when we aren't working we are on the phone with each other.

We've rediscovered the love and passion that was drifting away, you get so caught up in raising kids, paying bills, and life that you forget about the person you fell in love with so long ago. Now that the kids are almost all raised and its just us again, we've fallen in love all over again. He is now taking the time to do all the little things that mean so much to me that he just either ignored or just didn't do anymore, he will be able to move out here with me in another two months after our youngest graduates, but this definitly was the kick in the ass that our relationship needed.

I feel very blessed to have the man I fell in love with so long ago, I knew he was still in there, life just got in the way.

[Mikayla1]

What is hard about a question like this is, everyone will have a different suggestion and none of them might be right for you, or a combination of things might be right for you.

I think that all posters have given you great advice - in snipets. Going on vacation, preferably without kids - even for a night - can really light things up again for you. Men and women succumb to pressure, stress, job ills all the time, and this makes it hard to connect sexually. Also, trial separations may be what you need. Let him know that you LOVE him, but you want and deserve a WHOLE relationship - which includes sex and intimacy. Everyone is justified in wanting that.

That famous saying, or song lyric, "Love will keep us together" is more of a fairytale than anything else. While having true love in a relationship is instrumental, it is NOT all a couple needs. Love and sex are separate - and I know those who would argue that. Sex with love is better - but sex and intimacy and love can be separated. You do not need a roommate, you want and desire a lover and a husband.

The last poster suggested a common ideal - "absence makes the heart grow fonder" - this is often an eye opening event for a man. Realizing what he had that is now gone. The problem is, it could backfire too. He may realize - or you may - that you prefer being apart because the stress is no longer there.

So, as you can see it is hard to give you proper advice here. MY best advice is to see a counselor - sometimes a non-partial 3rd party is just what a couple needs to get things straight again.

Good luck!

Mikayla

[sarahlee]

I am only speaking from what I have experienced. I was in a relationship for almost 3 years. My man kept accusing me of cheating though I have never and will never cheat. Letting go is hard but if you ever want things to really change you got to move on.

[nosleepnmesa]

Well I everyone has given you great advice. I agree with most of them. This situtation is hard I think I am going to give you advice that Howard had given my sister date him again. I mean take a vacation with him or make plans at least once a week and go out on a date with no children. I also believe that counseling would do alot of good.

You though honestly have to decide what you really want in life. Letting go is very hard to do after a long period of time I know I have done it. I will tell you though that my X and are still have our little aurgements now and then but all and all we are pretty good friends.

I also agree that sometimes seperation can make the heart grow founder but in my opinion it is risky to, and like Mikayla said could back fire on you. Another suggestion that I can come up with is honestly look at yourself, I mean firgue out what you want in life and what will make you happy and the conseguences of each choice you may have to make to reach what you want in life. I know that prolly sounds a little harsh but it isnt ment to. I think I would try the vacation, dating and seriously I would highly look into a 3rd party.

I posted not to long ago about my sister and her situtation she has been going to counseling because her husband refused to, but guess what he finally went to and there was more going on then what really meets the eye sort of speak. Neither of them is cheating but alot of emotional things, stress, everyday life, kids, school stuff with them and never finding time. Her situtation is alot different in alot of ways.

Keep us posted!! Good luck to you!!!