Cheating Spouse - Is It Wrong To Be Turned On?

[midavis03]

Hi all!!! This is my first post and looking for a general consensus!!! First, I love my wife dearly, and can’t imagine a life without her! We are high school sweethearts, and are together almost 17 years, and married for 9 of those.

I just recently confirmed that my wife cheated on me with 2 different guys: 1 - 2 years ago, and 1 – recently - which the last time they were together was one day last week. She told me it is over and that she decided that cheating was not worth it before I found out. She also said that she loved me and that divorce never entered her mind, but that it is up to me to decide. I told her that I didn’t want a divorce, but that obviously I was hurt by the whole thing. I knew about the 1st guy even though she didn’t admit it to me and with the most recent guy, I just had a feeling that something was going on.

I am going though a lot of emotions, so here is the question, is it wrong of me to be turned on by this whole thing? Even though I don’t want it to continue or happen again, I find myself MAD and TURNED ON at the same time by the thought of my wife being with other men?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

All input is welcome.

Thanks,

Mad-in-love-with-his-wife

[daveindc]

It sounds like you're interested in a 3-some...but from the reading I've done here (since I haven't been in one myself), it appears to be difficult to pull off in practice, without serious ramifications to your relationship. You probably should discuss this seriously with your wife before you go further. It may be what you want, but not her (despite her two flings) -- or it may be something that is positive for both of your sex lives. But be sure, first.

[Mikayla1]

It is not uncommon at all for me to be turned on by imagining their woman with another man. Frequently this manifests itself with visions of the woman with men from her past - not necessarily men in her present. Men are visual, and they have a bit of "pride" in knowing they are with a woman who other men want to fuck. So, not it is not unusual or suprising that you would be aroused by this admission.

However, do not confuse your arousal with approval. At the heart of your discovery is that you are upset about this. If you tell your wife that it aroused her - not only will it give her mixed messages (i,e. - it must be OK to cheat, he doesn't love me) but it may cause her to think that what she just figured out was WRONG was actually OK.

While DaveDC suggests that this means you want a threesome, I can not wholeheartedly agree. There is a BIG difference between fantasizing about your partner with another person and actually SEEING her in the act - that makes it all "real" for lack of a better word.

My suggestion, get some counseling. Since you are madly-in-love with your wife - then get some help to find out what is the core issue behind the cheating. Try to mend your relationship, and whatever you do - do NOT excuse her behavior!

I hope this helps - good luck!

[Tyger]

Being a visual person myself, I too, sometimes get aroused, even being a woman, at the thought of my man with another woman. Does that mean that I want him to go out and sleep with someone else? Hell no! But, it is a nice little fantasy, in my head, at least. So, it is probably normal for you to be turned on at the thought.

However, as Mikayla said, that doesn't mean that you actually WANT her to go out and sleep with other men. Especially in a marriage. Unless you go into a Swinger's lifestyle, or something similar, which many marriages do not survive, BTW, then fidelity is not only important, but a matter of trust. If there's no trust in your relationship, then, sadly, there really is no foundation holding that relationship up.

You're madly in love with your wife. Great! You want to fix it. Great! She says she regrets it. OK, well, great, if she truly means it. Having one affair, is sometimes forgivable. Two seperate ones is harder to forgive, since it's all a matter of trust. Counselling will bring out WHY she felt the need to have an affair. I don't want to sound mean here, and I hope you don't take it as such. Women, generally, don't have sex with other people lightly. Women, usually, are a bit more involved emotionally, when it comes to sex. Call it genetics, how we evolved, whatever. The other thing you will need to think about, and it's something only YOU can honestly answer, will you ever be able to trust her again? If the answer is no, then, sadly, there won't be any saving this marriage. Again, couselling should help you come to your answer honestly, and fairly.

You've been with her a long time. People grow in different ways, and sometimes that includes growing apart from one another. Especially those that have been together since the teen years. Let's face it, I know I sure aren't the same as I was in high school (thankfully!). Let ME pose a question to you: Do you love your wife as the person she WAS, or do you love your wife as she is NOW, as a person? Don't be hasty to answer. Decide how you truly feel. Look back at how she was then, and how she's like now.

Nobody is perfect in a marriage. Everyone is human. But there are lines that just shouldn't be crossed. Without some sort of help, and her knowing that this will not be tolerated, she very well may do it again.

Best wishes to you.

[srvtt]

I'll agree with what has been said, there is a BIG difference between the "fantasy" of thinking about a spouse with someone else and the "reality" of a spouse with someone else.

I know it is never simple like "just leave her" or "stay with her forever" because there is a lot of history there and a lot of factors, but I'd just be cautious. The fact that it has happened twice is a big red flag for me. There were at least two times (depending on how many times with each guy) when she risked your relationship and betrayed your trust. Unless you can be absolutely convinced it wouldn't happen again, I'd keep my distance. Of course, the difficulty in this situation is that because of your feelings for her, you want to believe anything she says.

Good luck!

[midavis03]

Thanks for the advice! I certainly have a lot to think about!

[NEBAMartinez]

Hi everyone I'm new here,

Sorry for the short intro on myself, but I felt compelled to throw in my experience as I can relate to this posting.

Love Dr 90210:

Bro, I know what your going through, I've been there... A little history about my marriage... High school sweethearts, 15 years together, kids, and 7 yrs of marriage and no cheating on either persons behalf until... and the love of my life cheated on me twice nearly in the same month (one was an affair--an attempt of gaining attention... the other was a one-night stand--she made a poor decision and drank too much; not to mention our relationship was in need of work... All in all, I nearly lost it if you know what I mean (I was depressed, suicidal and not functioning properly on any level). Moreover, during the course of our fighting... out of jealously and anger I attempted to have a one-night stand but couldn't bring myself to go through with it. Of course, after that our relationship got worse...(go figure)

However, after some time and I do mean T I M E and some heart-to-heart talks (many of them) we rebuilt our relationship. Today, our love and trust for one another is stronger than ever. As mentioned in another reply to your post, I can relate to what was written about how I loved her before and had to honestly ask myself if I loved her for who she was after. For us, we fell in love with each other all over again. I still love who she was and I love her now even with her flaws and imperfections.

Further, what me and my wife have been through was very hard and at a few instances we were very close to giving up (if both of you truly love each other than hang in there). Thankfully, we held on to our love for one another and our love/trust has flourished in the aftermath.

On another note, I can relate to the being turned on by her being involved with other men... I know it sounds confusing because it is. At first, when she initially disclosed what she did I was devastated and wanted to kill the other two men... No seriously I was thinking of ways of "offing them." (because I felt that they had caused me such pain and suffering...)

Today, (thankfully) I laugh about such thoughts and thank God that I did not act on the heat of the moment "feelings." Anyway, I somehow rewired my negative thoughts about her being involved with the other men and turned jealously into interest... I do believe that it may be beneficial if you can turn resentment or other negative thoughts/feelings into positive thoughts. For me, I felt that I was consumed by jealously in the beginning. Further, as mentioned by others on this topic, I believe there is a difference from fantasizing about your wife being with another man and actually seeing her with one.

Love Dr 90210: I know I'm no expert and such but if you need an experienced ear than please don't hesitate to ask for any insight... (that is if you want any advice from me).

Hope my writing finds you well,

N