Just Talking About Sex...

[komana]

Hi all,

I just want to start out by saying "Thank you" for the creators and moderators of the site; you manage to keep things really clean while talking about a "dirty" subject, which is perfect for all of us "too timid" people out there.

My question is really for the guys out there, because I have been unable to come up with a solution in my feminine little head. My husband was raised by his grandparents, and seems to adhere to a more strict moral code on sex than is usual for guys today. Oddly (given his upbringing), he wasn't a virgin when we got married, but he wasn't very experienced either. We got married after dating for 4 years. We had decided as a couple when we first started dating not to have sex if/until we got married, but we played around a good bit. We were doing the LDR thing for the year of our engagement, and things got almost completely cold in the physical part of the relationship. When we got married, things were good for about a week (on the honeymoon), but after that, sleep was about the only thing happening in the bedroom every night. We've been married almost two years now, and I'm afraid the habit is nearly set in stone that we don't have sex but about 2-3 times a month (on average). I've always wanted sex, but I don't know how to go about asking him about it. It seems that he has a lower-than-normal libido than most guys, and I don't want it coming across as a criticism. Any advice on how to get him to open back up about sex?

[Mike_d]

I cannot speak for your DH, but I know that while my wife and I waited, we were both eager for bedroom fun to begin. however, I too got a little stand offish after a couple of weeks because of personal issues. anyway, what my wife did that helped me tons was to take some initiative. She would lay next to me and snuggle up, slowly running her hands over my back, shoulders and eventually furher south and to her "objective" or if we were watching tv, she might just go to the fridge and get some whip cream and during commercials we would start fooling around. I cannot recall once that we stopped the foreplay when the show came back on. Now we have DVR (like TiVo) and that has made this just that much better! You don't nessecarily have to be verbal and assertive to send the message. I am not telling you to force yourself on him, and talking about it should be something you do, outside of the bedroom and away from any sexual senario, maybe if you go out for dinner some night and decide to take a walk afterwards or go window shopping on a weekend, make it informal and comfortable. Just ask him if there is something you can do to pique his interest in sex again and that you would like to be intimate more often as it brings couples closer. I know it did with my wife and I, and we have never looked back. We talked about it later and I appreciated her nonverbal communication of her needs.

You might also work some new things in during sex, and ask him to tell you his fantasies while you go down on him. I am not an advocate for porn like many here are, so I would suggest talking and opening up a dialogue about what turns you both on and what you both like about sex. You should really work out what your expectations are for sex and try to understand what you each like and makes you unique. I suggest this to all my friends who are engaged and waiting. It's okay to talk about what you feel you will like. Sometimes you are right, others you are not. I remember watching basic instict as a young teen about 13 and I thought it was really sexy when Sharon stone dug her nails into michael douglas' back. My wife does this with almost every orgasm, I don't like it! So the moral is, what you think you might really dig, winds up not working for you like you thought. Take some time, get away from the bedroom and ask him a few questions about what he thinks is sexy.

Just a few ideas, I am certain there are others here who will lend a voice and give some great ideas too.

[whittibo]

My husband is very shy in the bedroom and a very modest person. We have been together for nearly 22 years and I have just now started seeing him nekid on a regular basis.

What I did started just 5 weeks ago, and just started going for it. I started being flirty, undressing in front of him on purpose (which I NEVER did before because he was so modest, I was too) If he wasn't in the room when I undressed, I would call him in and say, "just thought you would want to see this". I did get tired after about 4 weeks of me always being the aggressor so to speak, and he started becoming overwhelmed with sex every night so we have had a few heated discussions about our sex life, which he assures me he enjoys but just not every night. I don't see a problem with some type of intimacy every night.

I also bought some very non-threatening sexy items. My first purchase was some sparkly cherry tasting dust that didn't work, and a cock ring we still haven't used. But it did put it out there that I wanted to add some spark to the sex life. I also ordered some other items and have been "surprising him" with them a little at a time. Nothing too bold yet, and I just put them where he can see them, but don't introduce them to our play very often, I try to let him do that.

Don't give up! It's worth every amount of effort you put out. And I sympathize with you, it's hard to want more with a guy who seemingly doesn't want it. :s

[Blush]

nt

Edited April 7, 2007 by Blush

[Blush]

Sometimes it takes awhile to figure it all out especially if you're both inexperienced. You're married and love each other... you need to be able to talk aobut these things. Communication is key to a great sex life, you just need to make that leap.

I'd say start small here. A talk outside the bedroom. There has to be some beginner videos that you could watch together. Not porn per se but instructional. Once the door is open I think you'll both start feeling a bit more relaxed and free about the whole subject.

I agree that initiating on your part would be a good thing as well. Even things like calling him at work to tell him how much you want him or what you want to do to him etc... is a starting point.

Good luck.

[steffi1686]

Going along with what howard said it would also be beneficial to talk about sex outside of the bedroom. And especially not during the act itself. This helps to keep the pressure off the both of you and keeps the conversation more casual. Also, try not to place any blame and just talk about how you are feeling. When I first brought up the fact that I wasn't satisfied to my fiance' I was pretty embarrassed but now we can openly talk about how we feel and our sex life has gotten a lot better. Just remember that you can't solve anything by not talking about it.

[komana]

Thanks for all the advice everyone! We had a nice talk a couple evenings ago, and he said he'd work on it, but was feeling too stressed from work at the moment. He's made progress already though... almost felt like he offered the excuse that they were getting ready for a big push on his work project "just in case" he didn't feel up to trying something new. I feel like i'm in whittibo's situation, just with less weight of years. The good news is that I got him to unlock the door when he takes his morning shower (he said it was a holdover from college when his roommates were downright rude about privacy) and he's been very happy to be "surprised" several mornings Now I just have to get him to talk to me about picking out a toy or two, since I want to get something we'll both enjoy

Just wanted to let everyone know!