My Husband And The Internet

[imjustagirl728]

My husband and I share and adventursome sex life, but I know that he maintains chat relationships online. I believe he thinks of it much like viewing porn. But I feel differently. These are real people who are actively responding to him---not acting out a pre-planned scene. I often end up feeling as though I must not be giving him all he needs.

I'm not sure that I see him giving this up. His views on sex are very liberal. How do I come to terms?

[Tyger]

Well hon, lemme tell ya, I've BTDT. My ex husband use to say "if you flirt online, it's a form of cheating". Needless to say, he didn't think that way of thinking applied to HIM. I caught him IMing local girls, downloading their pics, and sending pics of himself to them as well (he was masturbating in his pics). He also would get on a verbal chat service and talk to them too. I caught him, and other contributing factors, his ass got kicked out. I was 98% sure that, knowing him the way I did, he was meeting some of these gals. He was extremely narsassitic(sp?), and LOVED the ego boost of having many women give him attention.

I'm not really sure of the degree your husband has been delving into the internet sex thing. Just chat rooms? Veiwing porn? Both?

There is one thing, IMO to watch porn. Yes, you see faces, but it's not direct interaction, just as you've mentioned. If you're in a committed relationship, IMO, you should be faithful in every way to your partner. Do you think that he would like it if YOU were online, having cyber-sex with another man? Most likely not. He could love the attention and fantasy life of internet interaction, but that doesn't make it right.

Yes, you can try doing the cybering as a couple. But if it's an issue now, then the issue needs to be addressed. Liberal thinking is one thing. I'm pretty open about sex (duh), love watching porn, which he knows, but I also respect my husband. BUT liberal thinking and being respectful to your partner has to have boundries. If it bugs you, and he brushes you off, that is disrespectful to you as his wife, and your feelings. And that's not right.

Anyway, feel free to PM me if you have any questions about what and how my ex did what he did via computer.

Good luck to you!

[Tyger]

Of course, Howard, I could be mistaken as well. It's not overly clear what sort of internet relationships she is talking about. We've both given her different POVs, for 2 types of situations. I hope either one helps her.

[Mikayla1]

You say that he is having "chat relationships" online? This infers some sort of regular contact. Listen, I have gone back and forth on this issue over and over -trying to discern if it is cheating, or just flirting or more serious. I have come to the conclusion that 80% of all people who chat regularly with persons of the opposite sex online end up having some sort of emotional attachment to that person. It happens easily. FIrst you flirt, then you start saying personal things, then you start cyber sex - and then, you may meet or trade pictures. These are REAL people - like Tyger says -and many are LOOKING FOR LOVE OR LUST and still more get off on tantalizing married or taken people!

Why then do I suggest only 80% are letting it go too far? Well, I am confident that there are some people who are able to chat and not take it sexual. There has to be a small sampling of people who are trustworthy and just "talk" - but I suggest that far less just talk - even if they set out to start it like that.

So, my question is, do you know to whom, how many and what your man is talking to these people about? Are they sexual discussions? Is he masturbating during these chats? Is he admitting to his relationship with you? Does he let you see the chats he is having? You say he is "liberal" about sex - does this mean that he would like an "open relationship?" If he caught you doing what he is doing, would he be upset? Would he think YOU are cheating on him?

This is a touchy subject and I definitely do NOT envy you - try to find out exactly what he is doing and go from there!

[Guest Edge]

Dear Girl728...

your question of "how do i come to terms?" is misdirected i believe. It's your husband that needs to come to terms with this issue.

I believe it may be a very slippery slope that he is on, and entanglement with others in a chat room can be addicting.

The others on here have posted good comments. I suggest you have a sincere talk about his use and tell him frankly, but diplomatically that you feel hurt when he's in the chat rooms. Perhaps there is opportunity for you to both be at the computer at the same time, but i personally think it may be masking the problem.

Guys are not entirely different from women in that we also have emotional banks that need to get filled every so often. From your comments i suspect you are willing to make the deposits. If i were in your position i would make every effort to fill him up so he wouldn't have any desire for the computer chat. That may require you doing things you've not done before, such as sending him frisky emails during the day, or leaving voice mails for him. In other words, really ramp it up. Maybe he's going there for something he perceives he's missing or not getting "at home."

However, having that talk will leave no doubt about how you feel. You owe it to your relationship to discuss the subject.

Good luck.

[CGEM]

I think that, whether it is only flirt or not, your man should understand your concern and give it up altogether. If you think that it's serious it should be serious for him, too. You are commited to each other, right?