Members nosleepnmesa Posted April 10, 2007 Members Report Share Posted April 10, 2007 Well I am posting this for my sister. I have given her advice but her husband just doesn't seem to want to listen, and since I have been part of this board for almost a year now I know that you all will be able to help me give her more ideas. Here is a little bit of their backround. They have been married for 9years almost. Like every marriage it has had its up and downs. Tell about 2 to 3 years ago they had a wonderful sex life. I don't want to sound like I am blaming my bro-in -law for everything, within the last few years there has been not only alot of stress but some very hurtful words in their relationship. First off my sister has NO sex drive anymore, she says it is due to stress, she stays home with her 3 kids all day, cleans and does the everyday housewife stuff. My brother-in -law works. They don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and haven't now for almost 3 years, she says that her husband says it is to hot in the bedroom for him to sleep in the room. My sister has stated numerous times that when her husband has tried to attempt to have sex with her it makes her cringe. She said she has marked it on the calander and it seems like the same week every month that he is attempting this.She said she has tried to talk to him about their issuse, now mind you that my sister has told him things like, why is it the same week of every month that you try to have sex with me? He says to her I want it all the time, but your like a cold fish. Now I can tell you that their have been harshier words between them, I suggested that they go to marriage counseling but my brother in law wont go, and actually kind of laughs it off. She has tried to state the way she feels and he just tells her that isnt true. She says she doesnt even have a sex drive at all anymore. My sister feels that every time her husband touches her it is because he wants sex. She has stated to me also that numerous times she has woken up in the middle of the night to find her husband staring at her, along with when she goes to bed he will stand at the end of the bed and stare at her tell she says something to him. So can anyone help to give me any more suggestions for her.She said about a month and half ago she finally got sick of his,, as she put it "begging and constant nagging" and just as she says "bit her tongue" tell he was done. She is soo shy that she will not post here or even come to a forum like this one, but I did tell her I was going to post her story and see what kind of advice others had for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikayla1 Posted April 10, 2007 Members Report Share Posted April 10, 2007 Unfortunately, everything that you have described is very common in many households, and it stems from a few different things. FIrst, your sister is NOT going to be feeling sexual to a man who only touches her when HE is horny or for someone who demeans her with emotional bashing. Men have a way of looking past some things we women say to them which isn't very nice, but women remember everything that is ever said to them and attach an emotional value to that which equals no sex.Also, once a couple starts a routine of sex - i.e. once a month - it becomes harder to break out of that routine. It also must be EXTREMELY hard for your sister to have sex with him if she cringes when he touches her. I would ask her, why does she cringe? Is she no longer attracted to him? Does she feel like he only gives her attention when he wants sex? Does she hate the idea of sex so much that it makes her cringe to think about it? The answer to these questions can help determine where they are.If it is an attraction issue - then she could be less attracted to him due to many reasons. If he is being emotionally abusive to her, she won't find him attractive. If she feels used, same result. Now, if he has gained some weight or something, then there is another issue. This is when the "for better or for worse" part comes in. THere are people who suggest that when couples fall out of "lust" that the marriage should end. I tend to disagree. It also depends on whether she still loves him.Also, if her reasoning is more from the emotional issues then they can work past it if they get some counseling. Also, if she is always "too stressed" for sex then she has not learned the value of sex as relaxation. This can be changed. She needs to learn about adult playtime - and I am most sure you can explain that to her. She also needs to iniatiate sex herself. Cause if she fails to do so, and the sex remains at HIS request always, then she will continue to feel used and cringe when there is sex.I think that there is a bit more information needed to completely decide the fate of this marriage, but I do know that they both need some serious help with a mediator of some kind who can help them to determine how to communicate together! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JackieM3117 Posted April 10, 2007 Members Report Share Posted April 10, 2007 It took the threat of divorce for my dad to finally understand that my mom was suffering in the marriage... in fact they did get divorced. It wasn't until then that he finally started listening her, and started really doing things to try to make their relationship work. They eventually were remarried and their relationship is much better, they are both quite visibly happier. It's a hard thing to consider, especially when 3 kids are involved, but sometimes thats what it takes to get someone to take your feelings seriously. If he really cares about your sister, and really wants to make the relationship work out, then that should at the very least strike a nerve with him, and hopefully motivate him to at least listen to what she needs and how is he is hurting her. I don't believe the lack of sex is the primary problem here, and I hope you encourage your sister to assert herself, and offer her any support you can.Best of luck,JMM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted April 10, 2007 Report Share Posted April 10, 2007 The other posters pretty much covered it. I will sum up my POV:If she won't help herself first, she can't expect the marriage to get any better. Whether she learns how to deal with her hubby (and he really should go if he wants to save the marriage), or she discovers she needs to leave to be happy, it's HER journey to self-discovery. If something isn't done, things will remain the same. And who wants to be in THAT kind of situation all of their lives? What a waste for both of them.I hope she can find some sort of help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nosleepnmesa Posted April 16, 2007 Author Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2007 WEll I went MIA. Anyway I went to go visit a friend and then I went to my sisters. She is seeing a counselor today so I am very excited for her. Today will be her first session, I am hoping it helps her marriage. I also wanted to let you all know that I printed the replys and the post I made and gave them to her while i was down there. I hope you all were okay with that, sorry I didn't get a chance to ask first. Anyway I will keep you updated thank you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted April 17, 2007 Report Share Posted April 17, 2007 I hope our info was helpful to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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