Enjoy Sex - Yet No Climax

[lostinnj23]

Hey everyone. I'm new here and actually joined due to the problem I'm just about to share with you. As I saw on several other posts, I too suffer from the elusive lack-o-orgasm. I am 24 years old and have been quite sexually active over the years (not promiscuous but have an incredible sex drive). I LOVE sex but honestly I cannot for the life of me get off. I don't even "get to the point and stop" I just enjoy the sex and the intimate moments with the person I'm with. I get aroused, and actually wet enough to start my own lubrication company, but that's as far as it goes.

Masturbation is another quandary. I cannot get myself aroused when I am not in the presense of someone else for the life of me. Masturbation bores me. I have several sex toys, in fact my roommate sells sex toys and I've tried every vibe, stimulation cream, dildo, etc known to man - nothing feels good unless its from another person. And even then, I enjoy a little stimulation at first but then my clit gets almost annoyed with the attention and it doesn't feel good anymore. Hard fast sex feels great but again, no increase in stimulation its pretty much the same across the board. I really have no clue what to do here. I can't even "find my own happy place" because it bores the hell out of me no matter what I'm watching, thinking about, or doing and I can't get aroused by myself. Men get incredibly frustrated/upset bout this fact, I know, I wish there was something I could do. I'm getting really frustrated myself honestly. My gyno says there is nothing wrong with me physically, I'm the most comfortable with me and my body than I've ever been so it's nothing mental...

Any suggestions besides the normal relax and explore?

Thanks all

[MsUnexprncd]

Don't get frustrated. Once you do, you will find that things will not happen the way you think or the way you want them to. Once out of my long term relationship, and now in my new relationship, I found that I didn't know much about sex, and I came here and read articles and well my man and I experiment.

I am not for masturbation myself. I do it from time to time, but i personally prefer the real thing. You need to relax and enjoy your partner when you are with them. Don't worry about is it going to happen, or anything, but how good it feels, and of the person. I found this to work wonderfully for me. And my man doesn't complain about performance. And I dont cum every time that we are together. Its all in how you relate to the situation, how you handle yourself and your partner.

Also listen to what these members say, because they've helped me immensely, I'm thinking I need to change my name to something else nowadays

Good Luck.

MsUnexprncd.

[no o mom]

I'm in the same boat. I've been married 7 years. Still love sex but can't easily get an orgasm. It is just a once in a blue moon kind of thing.

I hope you get some answers cause maybe they will help me too

Good LUck!

Hey everyone. I'm new here and actually joined due to the problem I'm just about to share with you. As I saw on several other posts, I too suffer from the elusive lack-o-orgasm. I am 24 years old and have been quite sexually active over the years (not promiscuous but have an incredible sex drive). I LOVE sex but honestly I cannot for the life of me get off. I don't even "get to the point and stop" I just enjoy the sex and the intimate moments with the person I'm with. I get aroused, and actually wet enough to start my own lubrication company, but that's as far as it goes.

Masturbation is another quandary. I cannot get myself aroused when I am not in the presense of someone else for the life of me. Masturbation bores me. I have several sex toys, in fact my roommate sells sex toys and I've tried every vibe, stimulation cream, dildo, etc known to man - nothing feels good unless its from another person. And even then, I enjoy a little stimulation at first but then my clit gets almost annoyed with the attention and it doesn't feel good anymore. Hard fast sex feels great but again, no increase in stimulation its pretty much the same across the board. I really have no clue what to do here. I can't even "find my own happy place" because it bores the hell out of me no matter what I'm watching, thinking about, or doing and I can't get aroused by myself. Men get incredibly frustrated/upset bout this fact, I know, I wish there was something I could do. I'm getting really frustrated myself honestly. My gyno says there is nothing wrong with me physically, I'm the most comfortable with me and my body than I've ever been so it's nothing mental...

Any suggestions besides the normal relax and explore?

Thanks all

[Mikayla1]

Orgasms are not things that just "happen" for most people - you have to teach your body to have them. You could have sex every day of your life and never have an orgasm if you do not know how you will pleasure yourself.

Are you fingering your clit during sex? 80 - 85% of ALL women NEED clitoral stimulation to climax. PERIOD. I would suggest if you do not know how to do this by yourself (i.e. solo masturbation) then you would not be able to doing sex. Have you read my articles on masturbation in the sex ed section? These can be a great benefit to you when learing how to find pleasure.

If you are having orgasms every once in a while - then you either need to harness and realize what you are doing to get those orgasms. If you do not know - try to find out. You may find that during these times you are especially aroused, have had more foreplay than usual, or are more relaxed for some reason.

Let us know if we can answer any direct questions for you!

[ambrabaatz]

Hello,

I know what you are going through. What my husband and I found that helps is if he spends time before we actually have sex just lightly running his finger tips down my arms and sides and stuff like that. It sends chills all over my body. Everyonce in a while he starts to head down there with his hands and then comes back up. When he does this it does't take long for me to get there when he decides to take it further. Sometimes I actually just prefer him just rubbing my skin.

[NsearchofO]

Hello,

I know what you are going through. What my husband and I found that helps is if he spends time before we actually have sex just lightly running his finger tips down my arms and sides and stuff like that. It sends chills all over my body. Everyonce in a while he starts to head down there with his hands and then comes back up. When he does this it does't take long for me to get there when he decides to take it further. Sometimes I actually just prefer him just rubbing my skin.

Hi, I'm new here and joined due to this exact problem. Why do so many women have to suffer from this??? I'm SOOOOOO sick of it, but just cannot seem to overcome it. I'm going to vent for a moment, bear with me.....

I KNOW it's all in my head. I have no physical problem. I masterbate often and have no problems doing so on my own and can do so in front of a partner. I have a voracious sexual appetite, love sex, and get very very aroused with a partner, but always reach a stopping point.

I have become skilled at being a great lover and getting a guy off and I KNOW that I distract him away from my orgasm by getting him off instead! This only works for a short while and then they want to focus on my orgasm and I'm screwed because it seems that no amount of skill on his part or desire on my part is gonna make it happen and I always find a way to "wiggle" away from a technique that's just about to make me come!

Slowly but surely it hurts him and I am disappointed in myself once again and ask myself, "why can't I just let it go?" Of course the more pressure I put on myself and the more he NEEDS me to come, the harder it is to relax!! It's a viscous circle that never ends.

I know that I get scared right before I come when with a partner. I feel vulnerable and for some reason this scares me. I have no trouble with intimate lovemaking and I'm a very passionate lover, but something about the intimacy and vulnerability of sharing my orgasm with a partner just stops me cold.

Yes, there is some emotional abuse in my background and that is what originally caused this irrational fear. I've done lots of "work" on myself, personal and professional over the years to help get over this stuff and I feel great and am doing great in all other aspects of my life, except for this one thing that is no small thing at all as far as how it affects a relationship.

Right now I'm in a new relationship after not having had sex for almost a year. We are having great sex and my anxiety level is rising because I just want to have a freakin orgasm and put this behind me! In the last couple of years I have experimented with faking orgasms, which I never did before. I don't feel good about it. It's just a band-aid and I can't live like that and don't want to lie to my partner. I'd rather pull all my teeth than tell another guy that I've never had an orgasm with a partner.

Enough of that.

Is there any women out there with this problem that solved it with a particular mantra that they say to themselves when the time comes? I TRY to say positive things to myself in the moments that I'm getting close....Maybe I'm just trying too hard or expecting too much, but how do you REALLY just relax and let it happen after a lifetime of not being able to do that???

Thanks for listening

NsearchofO

[NsearchofO]

YOu are trying to hard, and in the process, making sex work, rather than fun. No one relaxes when they are " working", and you have to relax when you are laughing. Sex is Adult Playtime. It about having fun. Fun means that you are doing things that make your lover laugh, and he makes you laugh. It can be verbal, or physical, or both. Its your role as a sex partner to concern yourself with pleasuring him. A lot of teasing and flirting and physically touching him is involved. His role is to pleasure you.

If you are thinking about pleasuring him, rather than about getting " OFF ", if I may use what is normally a man's view of sex, you will relax, and leave it to him to do something, or some things, that take you by surprise over the top into your climax. You have to trust your lover. That trust developes because you have trained him on how you like to be aroused, and he has been a good teacher. If not, you make him do it again until he gets it right! Some guys seem to have to be retrained over and over and over and over again.............. before they get it right.

Its the verbal and physical playing that helps you laugh, and you will have to relax when you laugh. There is also a deep breathing exercise often taught in Yoga classes to help you relax, which works quite well for women who seem to have trouble getting over the top, to their climax. As you get excited, simply begin exhaling slowly and deeply, and count to 5 slowly when you can't exhale any more air. Then breathe in slowly, before exhaling again. Don't make a big deal about the count, or concentrate on the slowness of the breathing. What I am trying to get you to stop doing is those darn short breaths that actually cut off orgasms, that both men and women often do to keep from climaxing too soon. If you ever watch porn movies, you see( and hear ) this all the time. Sometimes the breathing is interrupted by a giggle or laugh because your lover has done something truly unexpected, and you can't help but laugh. Do so! But, don't be surprised if that laugh doesn't take you right into an orgasm.

Once you reach orgasm instruct your lover( before hand) to keep stimulating you, so that you will have multiple orgasms. One physical result reported by many women is that they become engorged with blood in their breasts and their labia, and clit, and they feel almost Pain if they are touched in any of these areas for awhile.

You are not feeling pain.

You are feeling arousal, but your brain is not used to this kind of pleasure, so it reports " Pain ", because that is how you have trained your brain to respond to something New that physically affects you. Ever jump when someone touches you with Ice? Its not really painful, but your brain tells you that you are " burning", and you jump! I rest my case.

Having more orgasms will actually help the body relax, and allow some of the blood to flow back out of these tissues that are now so sensitive.

So, what is so bad about being sensitive? If you really want to learn about orgasms, and erogenous zones, the ONLY way to really learn is after you have had several orgasms, and your entire body becomes SENSITIVE. Then touching many places where their are a collection or junction of nerves is enough to send you back into orgasm ! When you and your lover explore these feelings, repeating them so that you reach orgasm much sooner, and easier, you begin to find places that he can touch now in foreplay light you on fire when they didn't before. Some women grow up as " free spirits ", with enlightened mothers, who do not discourage them from masturbating, or learning about their bodies. By the time these women become sexually active, they enjoy sex, and orgasms easily, and are often the envy, or the subject of great contempt by other women, all depending on your own sensuality and sexual experience.

What is wrong with being aroused easily? Why should you not get excited at the mere sense of your lover's breath on the back of your neck, or his hand grazing across your breast? And why should you not expect him to respond easily when you touch him, soft or hard, or even blow in his ear? Its not like you can't control it, if you want to do so, so that you pick and choose when and with whom you get aroused.

Part of the fun of being married is the realization that you have a license to screw just about any time of the day, and almost anywhere. Some married people never make that realization. They never get past the idea that sex is a " Marital Duty ", that must be endured, once or twice a month, at night, before bedtime, with as little foreplay as possible before both roll over and go to sleep to forget what they just DIDN'T DO! They didn't MAKE LOVE to each other!!

Your problem apparently relates to early sexual abuse. What you have to get through your head is that your husband is not that abuser( He isn't, I assume!) . The best way I know to do that is to make sex play time, with a big emphasis on playing with him. I doubt the abuser in your past played with you , or gave a tinker's damn about whether you were enjoying what he was doing! Your husband does care, and he does enjoy playing with you. That should be all the difference in the world for you, and allow you to package that abuse up in a box, tie a bow around it, and put it on a small shelf in the back of your brain. Not to be forgotten, surely, but to be put in its place. Otherwise, you are allowing that abuser to control your life, and why would you let that SOB have that power over you???

I have represented many women who were sexually abused when they were either children, or young adolescents. It is a horrible story for each of them. Many let it affect them for years before they sought help. Some ruined great marriages because they refused to get it out in the open and " Kill it!"

In its way, abuse is similar to grieving, in that something terrible has happened that has caused us an emotional loss. Our lives are changed forever. Emotionally, we go through the same grieving process many experience when a close family member, or friend dies. If counseling that you have already gone through has not helped, you might talk to someone about grief counseling. It is a process that counselors take their patients through to help them deal with that loss. In your case, it was your innocence, and so much more. Don't apologize ever to anyone for still feeling that loss. But, feeling it when you bring it up, and letting it be there everytime you make love to your husband are two different things. If you love your husband, and trust and honor him, then find a way to leave that abuser out of your bedroom when you are making love to your husband. Sometimes talking to him about all the abuse that you suffered, as well as your feelings at the time, and later is the way to box it up. Give anything a try.

Have fun.

Howard

Thanks for the reply Howard,

I think you know what you're talking about! FYI, my current relationship is not my husband, I'm not married. I'm dating someone new. It seems logical to have this problem due to sexual abuse and any counselor I've ever seen has always asked me about that when I mention the orgasm issue, BUT there is NO sexual abuse in my past, only some pretty serious emotional abuse by men. My mother (a narcissist) emotionally neglected me as a child and was emotionally unavailable. My father was a light hearted, adult child and completely controlled by my mother. He never abused me. Unless I've blocked it out! I don't suspect that, but I guess it's not impossible.

I suspect that due to the emotional neglect, I know I grew up with the feeling that I didn't DESERVE to be loved and think that carries over to unconscious feelings of not deserving pleasure either. I'm not much of a taker in life, or sex, and really enjoy pleasuring a man, but have a hard time receiving long enough to allow myself to orgasm. I feel deserving of love and certainly want the pleasure of an orgasm with a man, just have to figure out how to push myself over that cliff. I have been at the top of the cliff for several years now and have to find a way to jump off! A few years ago I was finally able to masterbate to orgasm in the presence of a man, albeit while he was sleeping, but still a big hurdle for me! I made sure he heard me when I came and of course it was a big turn on for him and I felt just a little bit more free having done it. Baby steps I suppose...

I've considered hypnosis as a way to de-program the fears that hold me back and have looked into self-hypnosis to learn it myself, but am still learning.

Howard, you offer good advice about the breathing...I am aware that I get too aroused and my breathing gets out of control and I have to slow down. I will practice the conscious breathing you describe and maybe a little more laughter too. I do know that the times when we are laughing I'm certainly not worried about my orgasm and that's the goal! Don't worry about it and it will happen!