Sex Advice...well Emotional Too

[Beyondblessed]

Hey guys....I havent posted on these boards since before I was married....but I have been married now since december and i think i have a situation. I just wanted to present it and maybe get some advice please.

We have been married about 6 months now. The intimacy has been up and down.

Alotmore Im feeling like she doesnt like me anymore....seems like nothing is good enough....not just sexually but sex falls into this category.

EX: I usually work evenings and when she gets home and I am home, Almost the first thing she does is complain about somthing I didnt do....even if I did alot ofother things throught the day that where fruitful.

And this is kinda whereI feel the intimacy problems are.

I am attracted to my wife physically but her lackof emotional affection is a GREAT turn OFF. She doesnt want me to masturbate but also sometimes just doesnt feel like helping out either. I ask her what is wrong and she wont tell me alot(it usually is somthing I would consider petty, althoughI take an interest) and I would love for her to ask ME what I think or "what is wrong" but she just doesnt ask or seem to care.

She has NEVER seduced me or expressed feelings of sexual excitment (when she wants to have sex, we just "have sex" and I do alot of the work).

She wont talk about sexual feelings or fantasies or desires or "fetishes"...I never used to think she was so "reserved" because it was so hard tokeep our hand soff of each other before we where married.

She acts very selfish and not "giving" like I feel I act(giving).

Sometimes I know when she has already orgasmed and is just waiting for me...she just wants to be done ...like impatient.

Sex has gotten boring almost because shedoesnt seem to be involved...she just waits for me to do whatever I do and shes just along for the ride....wont take control or wont tell me what she wants or act sexually involved.

I love my wife, thats why i married her, but recently it has been more and more ofa struggle to not look at pornography or to keepmy mind/eyes from wandering. I dont want to be like this but there are times when I cant sleepat night and my mind just runs rampant.

Also...anytimeI suggest that we need to talk about things she turns VERY defensive or just gets that deer in the headlight look and says NOTHING.

I am commited to this marriage and want it to work for both of us.

-

Is there a way to get her to loosen up? Relax? Share? Be interested?

I have even been thinking about(sorry...we dont drink) trying to get her drunk just so shell open up and lose some reservation or somthing.

I just want to have a healthy and intimate, sharing sex life.

I would love for her to show interst in sex more, maybe try a toy or two, but she doesnt even want to go to the store to look....just look

I dont want whips chains whistles and yoyos, but SOMTHING or ANYTHING other than the Status Quo would be AWESOME.

Please and thank you

God bless

BeyondBlessed

[thurisas]

This sounds eerily familiar to me. My wife and I had problems that sound much like yours. After some time dating we moved in together. The sex dropped off sharply. I would try to talk to her, she wouldn't want to, I'd push to talk, we'd fight, we'd make up, be civil, she'd complain about what I wasn't doing, I'd complain about what I wasn't getting, we'd fight, I'd push to talk, eventually we started to drift apart. The trump card in our relationship is that we'd been friends long before we'd been lovers. There was a pre-existing bond there. We slid back into our roles as friends only we happened to be room mates. Low and behold with the pressure off we started talking eanestly about US again. Soon the things we fell in love with were apparent again in one another. It takes a lot of work on both parts though. I don't know your whole situation but I kind of wonder, like Howard, if you might not benefit from counseling. Probably so, until you go, though, try dating her again and treating her like a friend and less as a wife...who knows what sorts of doors that can open up for you.

Thurisas.

[JackieM3117]

Like Howard and Thursias, the first thing that came to my mind was counseling. I actually went to a therapist myself because of some similar problems... although not as severe given that I'm not married to the guy. But my therapist gave me some great suggestions and the last time my boyfriend and I had sex it was pretty good. The main thing that I started doing was randomly commenting on the things that my bf did that I liked, and pretty soon he started doing them. This was easier than trying to start some sort of conversation, because he too would automatically get defensive as soon as I wanted to talk. Of course the alternate route is to simply be direct and ask her "Are you happy in this relationship anymore?" and take it from there. I would definitely, definitely consider talking to a professional tho.