Going Out Without Your So

[Tyger]

Would/do you go out without your SO? As in, to a bar, or to a restaurant with a bar, with friends?

I have 2 friends that have started dating each other, and I am truly happy for them. But the woman has totally engrossed herself into the relationship so much that she is refusing to go out anywhere without him, and honestly gets a bit pissy if it's mentioned that he should go out with my hubby and have a Guy's Night Out.

Now, I understand that she's had BF troubles before. They've either left her, or things just haven't worked out. But, I am beginning to see why they may not work out. I mean, it's great to find a special someone, but, for me, I have always needed Friend Time, and even Just Me time. Maybe that's me?

I have gone out to bars and clubs without my husband. Even gotten drunk. Never crossed the line. And, for the record, I don't care if HE goes out to a bar, gets drunk, or whatever. I trust him, he's never given me a reason not to do so. We even dance with other people when we're not together, and we tell each other about it when we get home (or the day after, when everyone's awake! ). I guess we just have a level of trust that new relationships don't have yet? Which, I guess would be normal, after almost 5 yrs of marriage.

Some people look at me like I've lost my mind, when I tell them that we both go out without each other at times. Not saying we don't go out alone, but there are times that we just can't. Someone needs to babysit! And, the irony is, is that we've both been cheated on, so you would almost think that we would have an insecurity level right up there! But we don't.

Am I the only one that thinks this way? Inquiring minds wanna know....

[Tyger]

I fear that you are both right & wrong Howard. It's unfortunate that my female friend is like this. Probably due to a rotten marriage, and looser ex husband. So, you're right there.

But, the man she is with, is also a friend, going thru a divorce (yes, they rushed into this relationship WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too fast, especially where they were dating before any paperwork was even filed on his divorce), and has had a tendancy to go for controlling women. He has a hard time saying NO to a woman, and I don't mean sexually, I mean overall. So, this is where I think you are probably wrong in thinking he's gonna take off, cuz this is the behavior that he's use too.

She doesn't want him going anywhere without her, and I do mean ANYwhere, including our house. He is stuck in a rut of finding women that can't let him do a few things on his own (nor will he stand up for himself often enough to really make a difference). She has already proven that if he does say NO, and sticks to it, then she pouts, or becomes bitchy at him for the remainder of the day. I understand that nobody likes to not get their way, but in Real Life, you don't. That's just that.

It's sad really. I miss going out with her (on the very few times I was able to do so), and just doing girl stuff. She even got irritated with me when I suggested that the guys go and have a guy's night out, and we should go have a girl's night out. And made a ton of odd excuses as to WHY it just won't happen. So, I just won't ask again.

It's just sad that people have to be so insecure about the whole thing. I was talking with my hubby about it, and I looked at him, joking around, saying that we must really SUCK as a couple, because we both don't mind if the other goes out without the other with friends. I've always been like that with him. Actually, in every relationship I've been in. Sometimes I was foolish, extending my trust the way I did, since I was cheated on by several guys. But, even as a young girl, I knew that no matter what I did, or didn't do, you can't control your SO with guilt, anger, fear, or any other emotional weapon. So, when I see this kind of behavior, it baffles me.

[Valntyn]

Well, I don't have many friends who live near me, so I don't go out much period. *chuckle* But, when I DID, I was able to go out without my husband (with both female AND male friends) and still have a good time. He's my best friend and I PREFER going out with him, but there have been times I've gone out without him.

We were very good friends for many years before we got married and we've always trusted one another. There's never been a reason NOT to trust one another. And, like you, Tyger, we were both cheated on and so you'd think that there WOULD be a high level of insecurity -- ironically, and thankfully, there never was.

Now, if my bestest girlfriend would move back to Maine (hint hint), I know we'd have a blast going out and being all girly together!

[promiscuouseuphoria]

Well, given the long distance business, all I do these days is go out without my partner. However, even when we were together far more often, there were a number of times where he wasn't interested in my chosen activity for the evening, so I welcomed him to hang out with the guys while I went off to go dancing with the girls. I'd usually tease him about how many times I got hit on when I got home, and he'd laugh, make a snarky comment, and re-establish his claim on me. All in all, a fun time was had.

I've had plenty of friends who didn't bother with a social life outside of their SO, and expected them to do the same. Not a one of these couples are still together.

[Tyger]

Texas is a BIG place too Val *hint hint*~ lotsa critter space!!! AND lower TAXES!!

We have talked with our friends. The female got SO defensive about the relationship itself, and not addressing the real issues, that I chose to drop it. I spoke my peace, and that's that.

Both of us have tried to talk to the guy. The guy hears what we're saying, but I think he has a deep seeded fear of being alone. Which, we tell him, is ridiculous, cuz not only is he decent looking, he's a hard worker, funny, and a very nice person all around. Sometimes a bit TOO nice, if you KWIM.

Personally, I think it's kinda a good thing, to be cheated on, in the very very very long run of things. You learn an awful lot about yourself, and others. It IS a learning experience, which, when it happens, is hard to see. But if you think about it later on, reflect, and learn, it can be a good thing.

I think that if you get cheated on, or even if you're the one that's done the cheating, you tend to either A) be overly jealous and insecure; or realize that there truly is nothing you can do to prevent it, so just go with the flow, and enjoy the relationship for what it's worth.

I learned a long time ago to just go with the flow. Listen to my gut feelings too. If I FEEL that there is something amiss in a relationship, not to dismiss it. I use to get insanely jealous (when I was younger). Where did that get me? Angry, bitter, paranoid, and miserable. I learned by the age of 20 that I deserve to be happy, not to be hit, and if a guy doesn't like the whole package, then to hell with him.

The job my husband has now, allows either one of us to cheat on the other. We have a relationship strong enough to withstand this kind of seperation when he's working a week at a time away from home. When he's not here, I don't go out with friends to bars or anything. I tend to do stuff with friends and kids. When he's home, on rare occassion, one of us goes out, or we go out together. It depends on our mood, financial situation (I'd rather pay bills then go dancing most of the time), and babysitter availability. Now, I'd rather go out as a family anyway.

[clewing]

Back to the original question, I think it is good for a couple to do things separately once in a while. I often go to dinner and/or movies with my girl friends, and if it wasn't for my cigarette allergy would probably go out to some bars, too. I would love to learn to line dance. But with that being said, I also love to spend time with my husband. But a healthy relationship needs some alone time.

I used to say that one of the things that kept our marriage alive was the frequent separations due to the military assignments. then later we were occasionally apart due to my work. But now with him retired and me a full time student we don't have any trips apart. But that is working out well, too!

[me4now]

my husbabd and i do go out with out each other and we talk about it and we have never had any problem, but Tyger i do have friends that think i am crazy for going out with out my husband and i explain to them that its just fun hanging out with the girls my husband does not have to worry about me doing anything and the same for me.

i guess if you put yourself in an akward situation then things can flare up from that. maybe she just so afraid she might mess up and loose herself, i dont know but to answer your question YES my husband and i go out without each other.

[curvacious_lust]

Yep, we do go out without the other. In fact, he's SENDING me to a party in an extravagant club atop one of the local casinos for....get this: A party for PLAYGIRL models. He says to dress nice cause I'm gonna "get lucky" at the party. HA HA...now at another time in my marriage, i would have said "bring it on" but not now. If I get a hug and kiss, maybe a picture from a couple guys, I'd be satisfied!!