When To Tell Him

[eccentricgirl87]

I have been seeing my guy for almost six months, and are taking our relationship to the next level of saying that, yes, we are in a "relationship" (we're both commitment phoebes... and titles are scary!) We've been friends since high school, and have talked about almost everything over the years. However, I don't know how to tell him about a particularly personal subject:

Last fall I had a one night stand with one of my other guy friends. We talked about it a couple of weeks later, and neither of us remembered using a condom (we were both drunk) and I wasn't on BC yet. About a month after we talked, I miscarried. I didn't know I was pregnant when it happened. I have been in therapy and am still dealing with this event.

My guy and I recently were talking about pregnancy, and I kinda shut down. I want to tell him, but I don't want to scare him or hurt our relationship.

Any advice on when to or if to tell him?

[Mikayla1]

Listen honey, you do not have to tell him! What happened when you guys were not together is not relevant to your relationship with him now. If you do not want to or are not ready to talk about it, then do not tell him. Now, if you are one of those people who likes to get everything out in the open, then wait until you are emotionally ready to talk about it.

Personally, I never went around telling my new guy what happened with my old guy. I had a miscarriage once, when I was 20. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I never told anyone else about it - except my hubby when we started to think about having a baby. I was scared and needed - at that point - to talk about it.

This situation happens - to many people - and your guy should have no reason to hold it against you. So, really, it is up to you when or if you tell him. If it is something that you just want to keep to yourself as one of those memories - then do it. It is not a betrayal not to tell him - it is the past and it has no bearing on your future. Unless, like me, you are contemplating getting pregnant, then it may rear its ugly head again.

You decide - is it worth bringing up the painful memory right now?

[Tyger]

I agree with Mikayla, to a point. I think being open and honest is key in a relationship, but when the timing is right. He probably noticed that you had shut down after talking about a baby, and wondered why. You shouldn't have to go into intimate details, like not remembering a condom (so long as you have been tested for STDs and are negative), but just simply telling him that you have had one miscarriage, and didn't even realize you were pregnant since it was so early on in the pregnancy. That's really all he needs to know.

Yes, being honest about sexual history has it's limits. But something that has impacted you to seek some sort of medical attention, whether it's emotional, physical, or both, should be discussed as you see fit. Gory details that may be a bit too personal, well, those can be left out. I think that being honest when it comes to sexual history as extremely important. But, I also have genital herpes, and I got it from another guy. Where my husband doesn't know the intimate details, and I don't believe I even told him WHO I got it from, I was completely honest with him about that. It's affected my health, as well as my self-esteem.

A different situation I know, but still, my point is, there is a level of sexual history that you have to be honest about. And, if you want him to be sensitive and understanding, letting him know what happened to you is important. This way, if he says something about babies again, well, he can be a bit more informed and careful how he choses his words.