Sex Is Uncomfortable...relaxing Tips Anyone? (long Story)

[MystryKitten]

Here is my story. Im new at sex, Ive been a non-virgin for about 3 weeks now. I lost it to my boyrfriend of 7months. I had planned on having sex around the time that we did, and I wanted to have sex with him even though I was scared my first time. The first time hurt really bad of course, like most girsl first times do. My boyfriend has been with 5 girls before me, 2 of which were virgins so he reasurred me that by the 3rd or 4th time, sex would feel better.

We've had it over 10 times now, and sex is still uncomfortable most of time. The main reason is because I cant relax! My bf will calm me down and massage my legs to get me to relax, then I'll take a deep breath and think Im really relaxed, and then my bf tells me that Im still tense! After a few more seconds of trying to get my legs to calm down, hes easily able to get inside of me, and if we decide to change positions or something, its easier the second time to put the penis in. During intercourse, my bf has to remind me a few more times to relax cause he feels again that Im tense.

I try sooo hard to relax, but it doesnt work. It makes me really sad because this is not how I imagined sex! I KNOW its suspost to feel wonderful and all that but because I expect that it will hurt everytime I try to do it, my body kind of prepares for the discomfort by tensing up! Its like my body got a really bad first impression of sex and wont let it go! I want to have fun with my boyfriend!!! But we cant cause most of the time its uncomfortable which makes it unfun for him cause he really wants me to have fun and get off. There are times I enjoyed it....thought maybe I might orgasm, but it didnt happen. We did however twice do the backwards cowgirl and I used my electric toothbrush (real toys from here are coming soon) to get me off in the act but I still havent learned to ENJOY SEX ITSELF.

Im also thinking that maybe another reason why I tense up so bad is because hes really 'big' he has to wear magnum XL condoms, and I dont think his length that bothers me, I think its his width! Can a man be too big for a woman? ...and can I get used to it? Then again he never had much trouble with any of the girls before, so why should I be having trouble with his size?? I didnt want to mention this to him because I thought it would make him feel bad.

My bf thinks that maybe one reason Im tensing up so bad is because my BODY wasnt ready for sex, even though I personally felt ready. Ya see I was born with a semi-imperfirate hymen, and had to have a hymensectomy in April to fix that. For those of you that dont know what Im talking about, I was born with a very very small vaginal opening due to an extrememly thick hymen. So small in fact that nothing could get inside it. All vaginal liquids could come out of it and I had my period, I just couldnt use tampons, get fingered, or have sex. So I was put under the knife to have a surgical vaginal opening made for me. So I really only have had a REAL vagina for 3months before having sex. But Im thinking, whats done is done. My vagina works fine so youd think it would have gotten used to it by now, right??

Ok, sorry for the long post but I really need some help here. I WANT to ENJOY SEX to its fullest, Im ready to explore new things and have fun with it!!! ....but my vagina is somehow telling me otherwise and my body wont let me stop tensing up

Help?

Advise?

Tips?

Techniques? Anything would be greatly appreciated!

THANK YOU!

[thurisas]

The one thing that I see here that is glaring at me is that you make no mention of any real amount of foreplay and no real amount of playing before he puts in. Massaging the legs to get you to relax is all well and good, but it would seem to me that he's a little left or a little right of the most important place to be massaging. One of the best ways for you to relax is to orgasm. The best way for you to do that is for him to help you. I can only hope he's going down on you and staying there for a good long time to prime you. Especially if he's big you'll want some time for those muscles to relax.

Another thing is lube. Lots of it. You're already tensing, and considering your medical history and the lack of comfort, I expect this might happen for a time yet until your body and mind connect to allow you to enjoy. You have to learn to relax yourself. Even if I don't, someone else here will suggest you do your kegel exercises. You should be doing that anyway just for the simple fact that it makes sex tons more pleasurable for both of you.

Another idea is for you to be on top more often, facing him so you can brace your hands on his chest. This can give you the control to take him in however you want to, however deep you want to, however fast you want to.

Lastly, keep in mind that most women can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation. You may need to keep that toothbrush handy, or a toy from Too Timid here.

Hopefully some of this helps. I'm sure others more knowlegable will give more advice.

Thurisas.

[MystryKitten]

Most times lots of foreplay is involved, as well as him giving me oral and making me orgasm before hand. Iam using KY lube so that isnt the problem either.

I will look up these....kegal excersize things and see what they can do to help.

thanks.

[Tyger]

It sounds as if you may have a couple of issues going on. You had surgery in April (I'm assuming it was this year?) to make your vagina accessible. Have you been cleared by your surgeon to have sexual intercourse? If so, you may be having some added discomfort just because your still adjusting to having a fully functional vagina. Talk to your GYN and surgeon to see what you can do to help this out anymore.

It also sounds as if you are constantly thinking of the discomfort, making yourself tense up. You may be making sex more WORK than fun! Which is very normal! Especially for women. I may get flamed for this, but, I would tell your BF that there should be a YOU night. Where his job is to pleasure you only. No worrying about his, for now. Totally relaxing, getting into what he's doing, taking deep breaths, and just going with the flow, so to speak. I'm not saying this should be a normal thing. Sex is adult play, and it's a win-win situation when you both pleasure each other. But, where you have some underlaying issues, there can be exceptions.

Your body may take a bit l onger than most women to get use to the stretching of having a penis inside of you, where you had surgery. I would assume that it will happen, eventually. Patience on your part, as well as your BF's. When he's constantly telling you that you're tensing up, I'm sure that just adds to your stress & makes you tense up even more. I would also suggest that you nicely tell him that if he feels you tensing up, then he needs to just help you relax, instead of telling you to do so. That's like telling someone not to think of a red car. Because someone brought it up, you think of a red car, or several. If he says it, you can jokingly tell him to "shut up or put up". LOL At least that's what I would do. In a fun and teasing way that is. Not rude or critical.

I hope you're able to relax and enjoy more and more!

[MystryKitten]

I suppose my body still is adjusting to the fact that it has a vagina. My bf did finger me a lot before we had intercourse but a penis (especially his) is far bigger then a couple fingers. I did tell my gyn that I wanted sex soon and she told me even after this surgery that it would still hurt the first time and I think she might of mentioned waiting atleast a few months before trying anything, which is what I did.

Last night my bf got me really turned on and gave me oral for a few mintues to 'get me relaxed' and 'warmed up' We did it in doggie style this time and I was completely ready and all lubed up and everything, and then his penis wasnt even half way in when I gasped and seized up like a corpse! Afer a minute though, I was able to calm down again and it felt a little better this time and I didnt tense up once during it. I understand your reasoning with him reminding me all the time to relax in which I will probably tell him not to remind me anymore. Patience is key, and I definalty think we both need to be more patient about it. Its slowly (slowly) getting better.

thanks, your advice has helped!

[Valntyn]

I can't add much to what Thurisas and Tyger have stated... I agree with what they've both said.

Make sure with your doc that you're physically ready to engage is sex and let them know what's going on with you and your boyfriend. Don't be embarrassed; that's what they're there for, to help you and make sure you're not hurting yourself. You want to make sure that it is your boyfriend's size that's the issue and not something related with the recent surgery and healing.

One thing I need to comment on from your latest post is that your boyfriend gave you oral "for a few minutes" to get you "relaxed/warmed up." I hope by "a few minutes," you mean A LONG TIME! Like Tyger said, have a YOU night -- I'm SURE your boy won't object to pleasuring you for 20... 30... 60 minutes (hubba hubba) with his fingers, tongue and toys you might have. Laugh and talk (when you can ) as you both learn what you like, as you learn to relax, as you orgasm time and time again. Get worn out, sweaty and panting with how much he makes you orgasm. Don't just have it as a quickie-action to happen before sex... have it a major part of sex! You'll be glad you did and I bet your boy will enjoy himself as well!

[MystryKitten]

Thankfully it only took a month for me to heal after the surgery and the gyn even checked me out a month after the surgery and showed me where my new vagina was, so Im thinking its definaly just his size and the fact that my vagina is fairly 'new' so to speak.

I definatly would LOVE to have a ME night but I just dont want him to think that Im being self-indulgent and only thinking about myself. Which, knowing how caring he is I dont think he'd think like that. Like I say, he really wants me to have fun during sex, but I'm going to be really nervous bringing up the idea because Im shy! But I know he'd listen as he wants to know any ideas I might have about new things to try and such...

My (first) new toys sould be coming soon and Im going to practise with my new simple vibrator and maybe that will loosen me up a bit. And I really hope they help improve foreplay (and, now that I think about it, foreplay should probably be TWICE as long as it is) the next time I see my BF. Oddly though, he doesnt like the idea of me using them on him I just hope I can get him to change his mind!

He did give me oral long enough to get me to orgasm before sex once or twice before, so I suppose the MORE orgasms I have before sex, the more relaxed I'll be?

p.s. love the 'hubba hubba' you added in!

[FutureMrsET]

Thanks for your posts you have given me some hope. My b/f says that I am very dry inside but I get wet on the outside. We think it might be because I had a hysterectomy over 20 years ago and haven't been on estrogen in 10 years.

He also says that I tense up too much and that is causing some of the pain. He says that maybe I might want to look into using some Ben-wa balls to help me relax. But I've seen those and they look very itimidating. So maybe not .

Anyway, I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever learn to relax. My first sexual experience was horrible and maybe that might be a reason why I tense up. I wound up being pretty badly torn up and bled for 10 days straight. My b/f understands that right now sex is scary for me at times so he is really emphasizing that we need to go slowly for right now.

[Tyger]

The use of artificial hormones, can, indeed, cause dryness. As well as the hysterectomy it's probably a lot to do with it. There is nothing wrong with the use of lubricants. Sex should be FUN, not painful. You may be tensing up, and therefore not lubricating because of your apprehension of possibly painful sex. It will be hard, but you really need to try and let those thoughts go, relax, breathe deep, and enjoy your feelings.

Mystrykittn: as far as having a "selfish" night, there is nothing wrong with a masturbation night. I doubt that he will think you're being selfish, especially if you have him enjoy the "show".

[MystryKitten]

FurtureET:

It took me about a good month and a half to learn to relax my vagina muscles in order to enjoy sex. Tensing up not only hurt me, but it also hurt my mans manhood. Practise trying to relax those muscles completely. A lot of times I would take deep breaths and think I was relaxed, but my vagina was still tight! You might want to practise with a basic insertatble sex toy. Another thing that helped me learn to relax is when my man and I made love, sometimes he would slip out, and when he put his penis back it, it just SLID right back in! I was simply afraid of the first inital insertion, but if his penis fell out, it could easily go back in.

Also, as far as lube goes, dont use warming lube! We did, and when it ran out I got really dry (sometimes I wouldnt notice for a minute or so) and the friction of sex tore a bit at my skin and we'd apply more lube and it BURNED so bad we had to stop having sex....try 'Wet original' lube, its a gel, non warming, and lasts a good amount of time.

[MystryKitten]

FurtureET:

It took me about a good month and a half to learn to relax my vagina muscles in order to enjoy sex. Tensing up not only hurt me, but it also hurt my mans manhood. Practise trying to relax those muscles completely. A lot of times I would take deep breaths and think I was relaxed, but my vagina was still tight! You might want to practise with a basic insertatble sex toy. Another thing that helped me learn to relax is when my man and I made love, sometimes he would slip out, and when he put his penis back it, it just SLID right back in! I was simply afraid of the first inital insertion, but if his penis fell out, it could easily go back in.

Also, as far as lube goes, dont use warming lube! We did, and when it ran out I got really dry (sometimes I wouldnt notice for a minute or so) and the friction of sex tore a bit at my skin and we'd apply more lube and it BURNED so bad we had to stop having sex....try 'Wet original' lube, its a gel, non warming, and lasts a good amount of time.

I really hope this helps!

~MK

[FutureMrsET]

FurtureET:

It took me about a good month and a half to learn to relax my vagina muscles in order to enjoy sex. Tensing up not only hurt me, but it also hurt my mans manhood. Practise trying to relax those muscles completely. A lot of times I would take deep breaths and think I was relaxed, but my vagina was still tight! You might want to practise with a basic insertatble sex toy. Another thing that helped me learn to relax is when my man and I made love, sometimes he would slip out, and when he put his penis back it, it just SLID right back in! I was simply afraid of the first inital insertion, but if his penis fell out, it could easily go back in.

Also, as far as lube goes, dont use warming lube! We did, and when it ran out I got really dry (sometimes I wouldnt notice for a minute or so) and the friction of sex tore a bit at my skin and we'd apply more lube and it BURNED so bad we had to stop having sex....try 'Wet original' lube, its a gel, non warming, and lasts a good amount of time.

I really hope this helps!

~MK

Thanks for the advice. "Wet original" is what he is thinking of using but I can't find it anywhere.

The initial insertion is what I am afraid of mostly. That was when I was tore with my ex b/f. Also when he made me sit upright and I wasn't ready for it. Also all I can think about is the amount of blood that was there when I was tore up so badly. It was pretty intensive bleeding. Like I said my b/f says we need to go slow. Although I wouldn't mind oral.

Couldn't hurt.