Approaching Toys

[bamagurl75]

I am getting married in the spring and my fiance is a little unsure about using toys and has said he doen't like anal and is not interested in trying it with me. I've never used toys and never tried anal, but I'm curious. On top of that, he's having some erectile dysfunction so sex in gerneral is kinda hit or miss. How do I approach some alternative measures and how do I approach trying anal without making hurting his feelings and without making him think that it's all his fault? Oh, and he's got control issues--no bondage for this boy, he's a cop and EVERYTHING is somehow his responsibility.

[bamagurl75]

Mr. terrific sounds like a real head case in the sex department. He needs to get professional help. He has already closed down an opportunity to share some wonderful experiences with you, and then you tell us he is very reliable when it comes to old fashioned missionary sex either! Check the on-line stores, links, and sites and catelogs. I just got a new catelog from the Sinclair Intimacy Institute, and they have some great video films for couples, as well as a variety of toys, and sexy clothing. Check out AdamEve.com, J.T.Stockman,com, Babeland.com, and other sites. Just search for sex toys, and check out the sites. Mature men have no reluctance about using toys in their love making. Those little vibrators, and other toys can be used to stimulate your wife or lover while you are resting a bit from the physical exertion that often occurs during face to face sex. Since women generally take longer to arouse than men do, having a woman's favorite vibrator on hand makes just good sense. Sex is adult play, and is supposed to be always fun. Some people like a little pain, and are into S&M and Bondage and Discipline games. But they are having fun, in spite of the howls of pain. They always have an " out " word, and the submissive is really in charge of the relationship. Tell you husband to be that he is not having sex with a prostitute, where he has to pay every time he has an orgasm. He is making love to a beautiful woman who love him. His job is to pleasure you. Your job is to pleasure him. If things work out, you both pleasure each other, and boy, is that fun! I don't know what he thinks sex is all about. If you want to try something different, like oral, or anal sex, he should be willing to join you in learning as much as he can about it, and then trying it. All this is quite normal sexual behavior, no matter what he might have been taught, or heard or read. Between concenting adults, and spouses, there is no such thing as " deviant sex", unless unwanted pain is caused in the process". There is no " perversion". There is only pleasuring one's lover.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't think he thinks it's deviant, he just isn't comfortable with trying new things. His ex-wife was always up for trying new stuff--she just tried it with any willing male she came in contact with--and there were A LOT . (she was a stripper) Part of the problem is that he took a huge blow to his ego and I don't want to give it another dent. I am not sure how to avoid that, especially since he's already feeling pressured about the whole ED thing.

[hot-pants-kate]

Hi Bama Grrl, i've never been proud of this but i went an a weekend affair three times with one of my HS teachers who had a real problem with erections. He could get hard, but it wouldn't last a whole minute. His wife criticised him about it, which made it worse. He bribed me to give him pleasure and his manly feelings back, i had no real love for him.

What we did was just oral sex. He loved to suck me off, and when it was his time, he would ooze a little cum during his climax, always completely soft and shrunk, but he did have orgasms. This was what he needed and his wife refused him. He was very very grateful.

His wife found out somehow and confronted me, and i admitted everything, but told her i thought she was the real culprit and why. She just walked out of the store dumbfound and silent, no more ever said or done.

What have i learned from this? 1. Don't make a big (or little) deal about a guys performance. 2. If it gets soft, he needs extra help, sometimes a less stressful or strenous activity, like oral or even talking dirty(guys get sexed if their girl uses the words fuck, screw, bang, poke, my cunt, pussy, hot ass, etc). 3. You feel awful after sex with a person you dont really love, even if you feel very sorry for him.

[bamagurl75]

After you blasted me and my fiance, I picked up the phone and called him. He's really not a total asshole. I just asked how he felt about using toys. He started naming sites to go check out and find what I like! He's still not really open to anal stuff, but his words to me were "I'm 35 yrs old and was married to a stripper. Do you really think toys scare me? " He said the only reason he hasn't brought up the subject was that with his other issues, he was afraid that I'd think he just wasn't getting what he needed from me. So we're both totally neurotic and too worried about stepping on the other's toes that we've been missing out. I guess we're a matched set.

[bamagurl75]

Part of the problem has been that he was on some medication that affected his functions. He's off the meds now, so things are looking up. We both LOVE oral sex so that has been an alternative, but I was looking for something else. But he totally surprised me this afternoon when he offered me his credit card to "pick out a few things". I was stressin' over nothing. He wants to try whatever I'm up for--except for anal stuff. Still kinda touchy about that subject. I may have to give that some thought. Any suggestions?

[bamagurl75]

Sounds like he is also embarrassed to be seen in an adult toy store. If there is one around, make him take you. And, make him sit by you as you go through the catelogues, and pick things out. Its really hard to tell whether some of the things( actually, lots of the things) in these catelogues will work. You usually can't return them after you use them, so you can spend tons of money and get almost nothing of value. You are better off going to an adult bookstore or video/toy store and examining the merchandise, and asking the clerk's questions, than shopping by mail. Now, once you know something works, and you wear it out, shop by catelogue or on-line by all means! You can usually, but not always, save money( you have to figure in the shipping and handling costs, plus any extra charges that the credit card company adds.)

The only problem with going onto a store is that there really isn't one close by. I live in the South. We still have blue laws, and I work in a school system and he is a cop. Would REALLY hate to run into a students parent or something coming out of a toy store. Don't really wanna have to explain that

[bamagurl75]

[quote=howard4570,Aug 20 2005, 03:04

You're probably right about the school board. And I'm probably being a bit paranoid. But cut me a little slack, I'd never even considered going in one of those stores until recently. This is TOTALLY new territory for me. I've always liked sex without the extras and never really saw a need for more, until things got a little difficult (well, a lot difficult) with my fiance. However, I got a really interesting--and unexpected--package in the mail today. He sent me this really plain package. Imagine my surprise when I opened and found this really pretty butterfly. My very first toy! He obviously ordered the same day we had our little chat. I don't think I'm gonna wait until I see him next week to try it out.

[bamagurl75]

Well, this butterfly has a tail, too, so it stays in place very nicely. And I'm sure my first experience in a store won't be nearly as traumatic as I'm expecting. Thanks so much for all your input. YOu made me stop and think about some of my neuroses about talking with my fiance. It's the strangest thing. We have always been very open with each other about everything else. I don't know why I was so worried about this one thing. Oh, well. Now that the topic is on the table, it doesn't seem so scary. Go figure.

[12GAUGE]

HOWARD.....YOU'RE NOT ONLY SMART BUT FUNNY AS WELL...IF YOU EVER GET TIRED OF PRACTICING LAW YOU SHOULD CONSIDER STARTING A SEX THERAPY BIZ FOR COUPLES AND SINGLES...YOU COULD DO A L O T OF GOOD FOR ALL THOSE POOR MISGUIDED/MISINFORMED/DON'T KNOW/EMBARASSED MILLIONS OF US OUT THERE IN THE WORLD...RIGHT ON DUDE 12GAUGE;)

[bamagurl75]

Thanks for the compliment. That is why I mustered the courage to write here. Just wish more people would come on line and ask questions. I hate the fact that younger people are still as ignorant as I was at their age. They are missing out on so much fun.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I AGREE WITH 12GAUGE. Thanks for helping me out and anybody else who might be interested. My fiance and I have plans to drive into the city this weekend and hit on e of the stores there. I'll be mortified if I see someone I know, but there's always a first time, right?