Not The Stereotype...

[eikoops]

my boyfriend and i have been together almost 4 years and sexually active for 2 years. we transitioned from just oral sex to intercourse (both our first time!) about 9 months ago and also moved in together. i didn't expect to have sex issues cuz of how new and exciting it all was. we've had a continuous issue with sex drive. he's content with aprox once a week and i would be happier with once every three days or more. sometimes i get real pissy or emotional if i don't have it after more than 4 or 5 days. i dunno if it's a physical thing or a psychological thing. but i feel like a freak. i feel like he isnt attracted to me. women are taught that men will want more sex than they do, but i feel like i got the short end of the stick. i tried masturbation but it seems forced. it's gotten so weird that im no longer comfortable pleasing myself. i have a feeling it's an emotional thing. like i need to feel close physically to feel good about the relationship. im not a psychologist so im not sure. but i'm just concerned with how to deal with this without asking too much from my b/f. i feel so bad about wanting more. but i want it cuz it's good, not cuz it's unsatisfying. is it normal for a woman to feel like this?

[thurisas]

You might want to take a peek at the Mismatched Sex Drives article under the sex education tab at the top of this page. That could address many of your questions and concerns right there. Not knowing your situation I can't really give you too much help though, so, I'll ask a few questions instead.

When are you initiating sex? Does he work? Do you ever try to initiate sex before he works/whatever when he's not wiped out by the day's activities? Have you tried anything new with him during sex? Do you continuously flirt with him throughout the day to keep him in the mood? If you look back through the forums you'll see that this topic has been covered many many times and there is a ton of good advise already written out there. At the very least, you'll see you're not alone. There is a search engine for the posts here and you might benefit from using that.

Thurisas.

[eikoops]

This is not normal behavior for a man. Something is going on in his head, and you need to find out what it is. Talk to him. Don't let him avoid the subject. It may be fear of pregnancy, fear of intimacy, fear of performance failure, and any number of other issues. He may have been told that " Decent men do not ask their wives to have sex more than once a week", or some other rubbish, like that. Men are largely influenced by their culture, family, and other male expectations. The women in their lives are far behind. So, talk to him and get it out of him. There is a reason he is not wanting sex 2 or more times a day! For a young couple, that should be the norm, and not the exception.

You have the right to be lusted after as often as you desire, by the man who claims he loves you. I have to wonder what he considers " Love " to be? Does he even have a clue? I do think that couples have to avoid limiting sex to just before bedtime, when both are exhausted, and not capable of much of a performance. Sex should be Adult Play, and not a sleep aid. If your schedules do not permit carving out time in the early evening to play, then go to bed early, and get up at least an hour earlier, so that you can bathe, or shower, together and play. The sex will follow.

Howard

im afraid it might have something to do with fear of hurting me emotionally. we have a somewhat father/child relationship (i hate that). i have a lot of emotional issues and he thinks he can fix them all. im glad that he cares and wants to listen but sometimes i think that he looks at me and sees what i'm going through and not just me. like he doesn't enjoy me as a sexual being, but more like a dear family member. don't get me wrong there have been a few grand times where he has initiated it and seemed really into it, but that tends to be few and far between. i know he loves me very very much and we are really close emotionally. but i feel like we aren't as close physically. besides my problems don't follow me to the bedroom. im not always thinking about them.

[eikoops]

You might want to take a peek at the Mismatched Sex Drives article under the sex education tab at the top of this page. That could address many of your questions and concerns right there. Not knowing your situation I can't really give you too much help though, so, I'll ask a few questions instead.

When are you initiating sex? Does he work? Do you ever try to initiate sex before he works/whatever when he's not wiped out by the day's activities? Have you tried anything new with him during sex? Do you continuously flirt with him throughout the day to keep him in the mood? If you look back through the forums you'll see that this topic has been covered many many times and there is a ton of good advise already written out there. At the very least, you'll see you're not alone. There is a search engine for the posts here and you might benefit from using that.

Thurisas.

i try initiating sex it usually doesn’t work. mostly i end up waiting for him. i work, and when i come home from a long stressful day i like to get close to my guy. but when he has a long day at school and even after finishing his homework he seems like he has a lot on his mind or is wiped out. mornings are so busy that im too afraid we would make one of us late for work/school. how can we have sex during the week???

i like sex at night, but i learned early on that that isn't a good time.

new stuff is nice and can cause little spurts of lots of sex but it only lasts a day or two.

and lastly i don't get it but he gets annoyed mostly when i flirt with him throughout the day. he began to patronize me about it. like "oh you, your always in the mood" or if i say 'your so sexy' he says something like "i know you wont let me forget *giggle*" like im just so cute with my little sex drive. ugh! so I just stopped cuz I felt bad about it.

[sever2morrow]

To be honest I really don't know how to answer this, as I've never had to deal with it; but I do feel for you. I hope you get some useful answers.

[Tyger]

Some men think that they need to "take care" of women, since we're suppose to be the "weaker" sex, so to speak (though we all know that's BS). Which is why he may have said (or you came up with) the father-daughter relationship. I had a friend, that I moved with (as a FWBs), and he's 3 yrs older than I am. Although we were having sex, but not in a relationship, he felt like he had to "watch out for me", and that I answered to him. I finally got good and pissed off enough by it one day and said "My father died in '98, and I don't seem to recollect him bequeathing me to you, so knock it off". He still feels protective of me, since we've known each other 23 years (OMG), but he's laid off trying to control me like that.

Back to your BF, he may have several issues. Like, if he is in sports at school, he may be tired, physically, more. Or, his studies are intense, and he is mentally tired. Is he taking medicines for anything? Even simple allergy medications can lower one's sex drive. He could have a lower testosterone level, or, he could be a guy that just doesn't feel the "need" to have sex as much. It's not a freaky thing, it does happen, but, for his best bet, he should go see his doctor and find out exactly what he is. No need to break out the psychologists yet. See if he has some medical issues, such as medications, sleep deprivation, or whatnot, before you say that he needs mental help.

[eikoops]

i don't think my b/f is crazy. the last two things suggested, low testosterone and not feeling the need, is more like it. he seems hesitant to 'push' himself to 'perform' more. i say more sex, he says ok, but nothing happens. the only thing i was concerned about psychologically was that he is interested in other sexual things like porn or movies involving dirty or violent sex, yet not so much into the real thing. the only thing i know that might scar him sexually is that he was molested as a child. but i doubt that could still affect him when he's already dealt with it. all in all i think we will figure something out. i'm pretty patient. well, thank you all for all your advice! i'll try to bring the subject up again to him (without nagging). maybe we can work something out.

[Tyger]

Depending on how long ago, and how "he dealt with it", the molestation could very well be a big factor in his lack of sex drive. Just because one SAYS they dealt with it, doesn't always mean that their subconscious has as well. I'm not trying to sound all Dr. Phil-ish, but, if he has issues in the bedroom, AND was molested as a child, the likelihood of it still being some sort of an issue or a block in his sex life, is very high. I hope he's able to find the help he needs. He has to be the one to go seek and get the help. You have to want to help yourself, before you can help others.