How Do I Approach This?

[shygirl13]

Okay Ya'll,

I know I have not been on the forums for long but I need some help. I will try and make this as short as possible. I have been with my husband a total of 5 years. We have been married for 3 of those. Up until the last year and a half things had been great in the sex department. Well, I got into my last semester of college and started student teaching and freaked out being around all the kids. I vowed to never have sex again because I could possibly have a monster of my own. Plus the stress really got to me. The last thing that i had in the back of my head was a teacher has a certain image to portray, and a young, party going, sex crazed person was not who i would want to teach my kids so I had some growing up to do. Well that killed our sex life. One day my husband brought to my attention the almost complete holt that had come to our sex life. I started to think about it and I felt really bad. We went from like a couple of times a day to MAYBE once a week if that, and if it was that he practically had to beg.

I did some thinking and some soul searching and realized I missed it all to. It was not just the sex part, but the connection and pleasure it brought mentally and physically. Well, to make a long story as short as can be, I think the tables have turned. I feel like I practically have to beg to get him near me. He comes home from work and gets on the computer and is on there all night. He comes to bed and just goes to sleep. Not even a good night or a kiss. All that equal is a date with a toy. When I ask him to spend some time with me away from the computer he says he can't because the people he plays the game with on the Internet count on him to be there so they can play. He CANNOT miss is what he says. I don't know what to do. I am not even sure how to approach the subject. I am kinda hoping I might just be over reacting. If any of you have any advice please share.

I am sorry this is long and it is probably more for me to get this off my chest before I explode. Thanks for your help and consideration guys.

S

[Tyger]

Wow! Well, I can understand the desire NOT to have kids until you're SURE you're ready. Most forms of BC are 99% effective if used properly. And, since you're in a committed relationship, those issues of IF the BC form fails must be addressed BEFORE hand. Nowadays there really isn't an awful lot of good excuses to get pregnant if you're using BC correctly, IMO.

Now that the roles are reversed, you can sympathize with your husband. Does this make it right? No. He is making his internet GAMES more important then spending time with you. That's what it boils down too. People will NOT die if he misses a game or 2. Or if he drops out all together. I get it that role playing games, or other internet games (my mother use to play a lot of internet Bridge) can be important to some people that are lonely, but, in NO WAY should it take time away from a couple on a regular basis, when the one gaming claims that they just don't have time to spend with their SO's or are "too tired".

You really need to have a serious talk with your husband. You may even need to either give him an ultimatum or at the very least, having him cut back on his gaming time online. It's not fair that he's escaping like that on a regular basis.

People escape for different reasons. You really need to find out why he feels the need to escape to the Internet on such a regular basis. He is taking you for granted, and he needs to become more aware of it.

Best wishes and good luck to you.

[Mikayla1]

I agree with Tyger, and will add just a few thoughts:

You hubby adjusted to you not wanting sex, and he replaced his desires with an online game. I do not see it exactly as Tyger does, in that I do not believe he is taking you for granted. I think you went from having great sex to completely cutting off your sexual desires due to some internal conflicts. Now, you expect him to shift gears again instantly, and that does not work for most people - especially men. Also, online games can be VERY addictive, especially if they are those like "Everquest", "World of WarCraft" or "Final Fantasy" - simply because, they never end, and you can never "win." What I have heard Howard say - and I echo this sentiment - is that no woman should loose intimate time with her man due to the computer, football or baseball season! Women have breasts, pussies, mouths - we should be able to entice our men back into the bedroom (or the floor of the living room!)

I suggest you take some strong initiative - crawl up under the computer desk and start giving your man a blowjob! Or, walk into the room naked and straddle him on his chair! Find some way to get his attention and do not stop until you have! Take back your sex life in a way that lets him know that you are serious!

Good Luck!

[shygirl13]

Thank you all for the great advice. It is great to get some positive suggestions. I will keep you posted on the situation. If anyone has any other suggestions please let me know. Have a great one!

[thurisas]

I'm going to chime in here just because I am a guy whose sex-life HAD crumbled in the past because my wife really wasn't into it for a long period of time due to personal conflicts as well as some I and we had caused together. You have two options there, you can put your energy into someTHING else...or you can put your energy into someONE else. It seems he's chosen someTHING else which is probably the better way to go if you wish to remain faithful. I did the same thing and guess what it was? On-line games. I started to invest a lot more time in the RPGs because there didn't seem to be a huge point in investing it in my relationship anymore and I was playing in a world where I could be whatever I wanted.

In my mind there was no point to putting my energy in making advances on my wife because it never led anywhere no matter how I approached it. We'd grown apart as a married couple and reverted more to our friendship that had existed before marriage and were able to work through a bunch of our problems. She started to desire sex more but I stalled in reacting sexually because I was thinking we'd probably have sex once or twice and then it would be back to the norm I had gotten used to. I didn't really want to get my hopes up . Once we did get going, though, we started having sex more and more regularly and we haven't really faltered since. In fact, I'm thoroughly overjoyed at our frequency now and I think our sex-drives are pretty well matched.

It all comes down, like all things in a relationship, to communication with your partner. If you aren't able to talk then it will all fall apart. I think you really need to let him know the whys and wherefors as to why your sexual relationship changed in the first place and then let him know that you've found a balance and really want to get him into bed or on the aforementioned living room floor.

Thurisas.

[shygirl13]

Thank you all for the great advice. Howard you gave me some great ideas. I am so glad I found you. I have taken your advice and it is getting much better. I finally told him about this site, so hopefully he will learn as much as I have. I owe you guys a lot!!

Thanks,

S