Can Anyone Help?

[shammer]

O.K. I do have an issue that I need help with, here goes. I am in a relationship, we started out just dating and the sex was great. He would come home from work then come over to see me before I left for work and we would usually have sex. He would stay at my place for the night and when I came home in the morning we would have sex again before he had to go. It was wonderful. Then he moved in and for the first few weeks we would still have frequent sex. Then things started to back off some to almost non-exsistant sex. He would tell me that there is more to a relationship than just sex. I agree with this but I think sex needs to be a part of a relationship and he just doesn't get it. We have been together now for 2 1/2 years and the relationship is great, he treats me very well, but. . . still very infrequent in the sex department. I keep telling him that I want more sex and he keeps pushing further and further away. So, then I will give up for a week or two, won't touch him when he comes to bed, just give him a kiss and roll over to go to sleep and then he gets angry with me and wants to know why I am angry and being this way.

He tells me he doesn't like sex all that much, he's very tired (he does work 10-12 hours a day 6 days a week), and that he just wants to sleep. I am trying to be patient, find alternative ways to please myself without cheating, but it's not as fun as doing it with a partner. When we do have sex, the sex is great, it's just not often enough. I was starting to think that he was seeing someone else but, when he brings home his checks, they reflect the hours he is away so I know that is not the case.

I was in a relationship for 22 years, married 19 of those years prior to this. The relationship became abusive so I got out. I met a few others guys, but turned out that they just wanted sex and they were cheating on their other half, don't want that. Then I met the guy I am with right now and like I said, he is very good to me and that is hard to find now days - I see/hear what others around me put up with. I recently lost my job and currently do not work and he is taking care of me without me asking for help so I know he does care and does love me. In fact, he suggested I quit my job and look for a 1st shift job (was working 3rd shift) just so we could be together at night and we could be on the same schedule. Now, I just want to figure out how to spice things up in the bedroom without ruining my relationship with him. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[thurisas]

It seems like you're going through a fairly classic case of slowdown after the heat of the initial dating period. This happens frequently with couples and is not really uncommon. There are some other underlying issues here though. He seems like a workaholic for one. I understand that some jobs require a lot from people but 6 days, 10-12 hour days puts him at between 60-72 hours which is a lot of stress on the body and mind. That in itself can decrease sex drive especially now that he's the only source of income. You also pointed out that he said he really care for sex too, this probably has something to do with him looking at sex as cutting into his rest time from work. He's making a fundamental mistake here and could be viewing sex as another job he has to perform. It's been said a thousand times on this forum...Sex is adult playtome. He has to re-realize that. For your part, you really should try to back off a little bit for the moment without being cold towards him. You both really need to sit down in a neutral place and talk this through as well. It should not be at a time when either of you wants to have sex. Howard has posted many times some ground rules for this sort of talk and you can find them somewhere in the forums if you do a search.

I think one of the best things you could do now is go the the Sex Education tab under the Too Timid banner and check out Mikayla's article on mismatched sex drives. That being said, some of the things you can do to improve your situation are changing up your sex routine after you've had your talk. Try waking him up a little earlier on a morning he has to work with a blow job. Or set the alarm early so that you can join him in the shower. Try to start making date nights so that you two can start connecting outside of the home again. If you have the option to do so, flirt with him all day by phone and let him know what you want to do to/with him. There are many things along these lines that you can do that will get you both back in the mood.

Thurisas.

[Mikayla1]

While I agree with much of what Howard says, I am not so sure a cool down in the sex department categorizes this man as a "bum" and nor do I think she needs to kick him to the curb. I agree with Thurisas, that she is most likely experiencing the "after I bought the cow" sydrome. THis happens to many couples who marry or who get into serious relationships - the hot, urgent, got-to-have it sex that you had when dating seems to die down because "the cow" is living in your barn.

Now, does this happen all the time - of course not, however it is very common. My suggestion is to try and liven things up. He does work a lot, and people do get tired. I do not believe that he is just not into sex - especially if it was so hot and frequent before you moved in. I think that he needs to feel like he is dating again and to do this you have to switch it up a bit. Try something new - bondage perhaps - or some new lingerie. It shouldn't be all YOUR place to fix this, but oftentimes if you subtlely suggest or hint in a non-verbal way that you want more sex - or just initiate it yourself - then the other half of the couple feels more intimate and things get hot again.

Talking can be overrated in some situations, but I highly suggest discussing this with him if it doesn't change. Yes, sex is not THE only or THE most important thing in a relationship. However, in a good relationship, all the needs of both partners are met - and this does include sexual needs. You can not sit around wanting to have sex all the time - this will definitley ruin the relationship but quick.

Try to induce some new sexual times and if that doesn';t work, talk to him about it in a non-judgemental and concerned manner. Then, if things STILL do not change and you are unhappy with your relationship, consider moving on. Life is just to short to be monumentally unhappy or unsatisfied!