Is He Getting Emotionally Attached Or Is He In Denial

[ShyBear]

Ok so here is why I am asking for your thoughts. For the last couple of months things have been going really well with my guy and me. He has recently been opening up with me about his past more and more, and I know that is a hard thing for him considering much of it is very private and personal for him and he does not share that part of him with anyone. I won't go into details because I don't want to violate his trust and his privacy but I will say that what he went through has caused him to be leary of getting close to a woman. My guy and I were talking the other day along these lines and he mentioned that he would not fall in love again, that he was not capable of it. I asked him "so your not even a little bit attached to me?" and he said he was sorry but no. I said, "Ok, if you say so", simply because his actions speak more to me than those words did.

The reason I think he is actually a little emotionally attached and in denial with himself is because he is the one who didn't want the girlfriend to begin with and he has had many opportunities to walk away. Once he started calling me his girlfriend and decided he wanted that relationship he could have walked away when things got tough at times but he refused too...I have given him plenty of opportunities to do so. Then there is the fact that he drives 50 miles at least once a week to come see me and plans his activities on his weekends off from work to include me because I go see him. He has begun introducing me to friends and just this past week to his immediate family. I noticed it seemed to make him very happy that his mom liked me...He told me with a big smile "my mom liked you and said you were pretty". Why would that matter if he was not a little attached already? Why would it matter and why would he tell me even that his brothers liked me? I even asked him why do you come see me then? and he stopped for a moment and looked around...then said..well, you come see me right? I could see he was looking for a suitable answer. He talks to me everyday on the instant messenger, he says it is because I will get pissed off if he doesn't...well, why should it matter to you if I get pissed if you are not attached a little...if you ask me, I think it is because he wants to talk to me...not because I am going to get pissed if he doesn't. He hates mushy words and comments....he hates me to tell him I miss him but he is learning to tolerate it...lol. He told me once about a month ago that if I could find someone else that would make me happy that lived close by then to go ahead. I was very tired of him thinking I was not happy with him...so I said to him "based on how you feel right now is that what you want me to do?" He said, "I feel fine" I said, "no, that is not what I am asking," and I repeated the question. He said, "OH! NO! Absolutely not!" So I told him, "then stop telling me that, I am happy with you too, and I want to give this time to work." I mean it is a bunch of little things that add up to make me think that he is in denial.

Am I imagining things?

[Tyger]

YOu have a right to be confused here!! His actions say he's getting attatched to you. Introducing you to family & Friends, especially his MOTHER! And, if he was happy that she liked you, well, that says something.

However, it seems as though he's putting you at an emotional arm's length as well. If he keeps you at a distance, then, he won't feel so bad if he walks away from you, or if you break up with him. Nobody likes being hurt. That's the risk that you take when you choose to have other people in your life.

I was in the same situation as your man, during and right after my divorce in 2000. I didn't want to get emotionally involved with ANYONE. I had a FWB. No emotional attatchment, and still having sex. I dated. When I met my now husband, I told him straight up, that I was NOT looking for anything serious. At first, neither was he. We both got a surprise when we found out we were in love! He actually said I LOVE YOU first. It took me 2 more months before I could tell him that. But, we were both ready.

That said, I would hate to see you get hurt. But, I would try not to get overly excited by all of his mixed signals. He enjoys spending time with you. Great. But, he has denied having deeper feelings to you directly. He has told you that he doesn't think he's capable of loving anyone at this time.

Some woman burned him really badly. He may never fully get over that. That has NOTHING to do with you. Don't think you're a failure if things don't happen. It's on him emotionally. It's up to HIM to figure out what he can and can't give to a woman, relationship wise. It's up to YOU to accept him at his word. He's been pretty honest about that. He's got a grasp on his emotional state, which usually men either don't acknowledge, or take a long time in counselling to establish. He may infact, need counselling, or the both of you in couple's counselling, to see if anything can be figured out where you may be going.

My best advice to you, is to just enjoy the time you spend together. Accept what he is able to give, and don't push him anymore. If you don't think that you can accept what he's able to give (which frankly, isn't his ALL), then it's time to think about moving on. If you are OK with what he's able to do, then just enjoy your time. Figure out what you want in a relationship, be honest, go from there.

[thurisas]

I don't know your boyfriend's issue, but I have been in a situation slightly similar. Back before I was started dating my wife I had a relationship with a girl who really laid a mind f*ck over on me. After we finally broke the relationship off I had decided that it wasn't worth getting emotionally involved with someone if things were going to be like that. That being said, I still dated but always kept my girlfriends at a distance and that showed. Regardless of what he really feels(and you're right, all signs point to him wanting a relationship with you), he seems to be trying to intentionally keep you, like Tyger said, at arm's length to keep from being hurt again. He needs time to grow up.

Thurisas.

[pappyld04]

I think by us not knowing him or his issues, you are a better judge of this than we are. But, I see you gotten some very good direction from the other posters also. You might think about the issues and decide if you are willing to deal with this problem. I know I've seen a lot of immature men who play that I've been burned game. If it's not just a game then it may take a bit to overcome it. Just by opening up I believe is a small sign that he is coming around. I think we've all been in one of those relationships that makes us question whether it's worth it. Some people just have different ways of working through or even around these issues. It is only you who can see all the facts, therefore it is your call as to where it goes from here. If you love the guy and are willing to go slowly then maybe he will come to realize that all women are not the same. Good Luck.

[ShyBear]

Thanks for all the advice and opinions guys. Yes, I have my eyes wide open on this one..I have from the beginning. I am not ready myself to fall "IN LOVE" again. I have been hurt as well, and I have some trust issues in that area. I don't want to be hurt again either, but, as I am sure you have all had happen, my head and my heart have begun this tug o war match and the heart has a slight lead. I am totally comfortable in the relationship the way it is, but that does not mean I want it to stay there forever and he is aware of that. I think he said once that if we lasted 10 years that would be great, if lasted only 10 more days that would not be great. He does send mixed signals, it seems like he puts himself out there, then realizes it, and reels himself back in some. I am a patient woman. Like you Tyger, we started out dating and friends only. This relationship has just progressed on its own without any pushing or pulling from either of us. I am not going to push anything, just let things flow as they have been and see what happens. He knows that I am not just merely a girlfriend, that I am a friend as well, and that he can trust me. I can see he is trying just from him opening up with me about certain things. I do know that, for some reason, I can trust him as well, despite his emotional disabilities. As far as being honest, faithful, etc. I am not sure yet that I want to trust him with my heart and that his were he and I are the same. Even though I am attached to him somewhat. I would be sad if he walked away. I would live, but I would be sad.

Thanks again for the input.