Help! I Want Him So Bad, All The Time, But

[CyanSeas]

(LONG STORY - I need some advice, bad.)

While I was in a very committed relationship (we lived together) I noticed a waiter at "our restaurant" watching me a lot. I'll call him Jack. I could tell Jack was attracted to me, and I in turn found him very attractive as well. I never acted on my feelings because I had a boyfriend, who was oblivious to Jack's attention.

For the first 8 months of this year, my boyfriend and I lived on different coasts. I started to go out by myself instead of moping around, and Jack and I talked for the first time after noticing each other for 2.5 years or so. He was promoted to bartender, so I couldn't avoid him since I'm a regular at the bar. Our attraction was immediate and intense. The sexual energy was amazing. We knew exactly what to say to each other to get our hearts pounding.

After a few months of flirting, I broke up with my boyfriend. I knew it wasn't fair to him for me to be having these feelings for Jack, and I also realized that my feelings for my boyfriend weren't as strong as they were when we first got together (it had been over 6 years). We talked, and I told him about Jack. He was hurt, but we're now good friends.

To continue, now that I was free to pursue my feelings for Jack, one night he invited me to a house party after his shift. I also learned that same night that he...

HAD A GIRLFRIEND!

I was so mad. He has been very forward with his attraction to me over these past months, with no mention of having a girlfriend. I, on the other hand, flirted back but I did bring up my (now ex-) boyfriend a lot. I went to the party because I wanted to confront him on this. We got away from the crowd and talked. We talked about bad timing. He asked me if I had noticed him, all these years, wanting me. The yearning and regret in his voice was evident. He said that he wished I had did something, anything, to give him a sign that I was also attracted. He had no idea I even noticed him. The way he said "I didn't even think you knew my name" still makes my heart jump. He's only been with his girlfriend for a few months, but he doesn't want to hurt her and he cares about her very much.

Well, to make a long story short, we ended up making out at the party, despite it all. We hated ourselves in the morning. Yet after a few days of ignoring each other, we were calling and texting each other. I've never been so physically attracted to a man in my life. It's been building for nearly 3 years.

Well, one night it happened. AND IT WAS THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE. I know he feels the same. He's told me the last time he wanted a girl this bad was when he was a teenager (he's in his early 30s now), and it was no where near as intense as it is with me. But he didn't want to hurt his girlfriend, and I wasn't interested in a relationship, so we parted ways with the memory of that night to treasure. I thought that was that, and finally doing it would get it out of our system.

But again, after a few days, we were drawn to each other again. We've been going back and forth since.

We've had sex a total of 4 times. Each time, it's so unbelievably good. I can cum from him just looking at me.

Sadly, after each time, we both regret it. I regret being with an attached man, he regrets cheating on his girlfriend. I've been trying very hard not to contact him, not to go by the restaurant, but alas, I have no willpower. I have an extremely strong sex drive, and he just exudes sex to me.

Our last time was this past Wednesday. I left in the morning, asking him what he wanted. He said he didn't know at the moment (I was lying on top of him), but he's sure later in the day he's going to want us to stop doing this. I tell him, okay, if that's what you want. He has a lot more to lose than I do.

So last night I go by the restaurant with a friend (I have a lot of other friends that work there and it's my "neighborhood bar"). I see him, avoid eye contact, don't talk to him, resist texting him (which we usually do). At the end of the night, it was very hard for me to leave without sending him a message, basically something like "Can I come over tonight?"

But he told me he wanted to stop. It took all my willpower, but I left and came home. Went to bed, and then at 5:30am he calls me, slightly drunk, and says the dirtiest things to me over the phone as he's lying in bed.

I don't know what to do. I want this man so bad! I need to stop. It's complicated. It's messy. In fact, he's moving in with her next week. Basically, I'm asking, how do you stop such a strong, fierce, overwhelming attraction? I tried distracting myself by going on dates, but the whole time I'm thinking "this doesn't have the same chemistry I have with Jack."

It's driving me crazy. How does one shake such attraction? I know I should avoid/ignore him. Don't take his calls. Don't respond to his texts. Don't initiate. But how do I not do something when I want that something so bad. Some of my friends are telling me "all's fair in love and war" and that if I want him, go after him. But at the same time, it seems way too scheming and messy to go after an attached man. Yet the other option, forget about him, isn't coming so easily.

Any advice, anything, would be helpful.

[Tyger]

It sounds as if this man wants his cake and eat it too.

You are right, you should avoid him, avoid everything about him, go to another bar/restaurant. He hasn't changed course with his girlfriend, and is planning on moving in with her, so there is an obvious attraction and feelings between those 2 as well. I think that there is a stronger emotional attatchment there that he isn't going to let go.

Yes, all is fair and love & war. However, he isn't just dating someone, he's starting a life with someone. Moving in with someone is a very big step. Not one to be taken lightly, and you should respect the fact that he is doing that with SOMEONE ELSE. Would you want a woman to do that to you and your man? Probably not.

Lust is a reality. It's strong, powerful, and hard to resist. You will find that there are others out there that you are attracted too, however, you need to just stay away from him, stay single for a while, have fun, and go to another bar to have fun with. Block his number, and delete it from your phone. You will be stronger without the added temptation.

Best wishes.

[CyanSeas]

Lust is a reality. It's strong, powerful, and hard to resist. You will find that there are others out there that you are attracted to

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

That's my biggest fear... if I will ever feel this way about someone again. I've never felt so strongly attracted to someone, not even my boyfriend whom I was with for over 6 years. Before him, I was with my fair share of men, but never ever has anything come close to this. I would say the closest thing was my juvenile, make-me-swoon crush I used to have on Jude Law.

But this isn't a celebrity, it's real. And there are real emotions and real feelings involved, real people that could get hurt.

I know what I should do. I do know better. I just somehow need to find the willpower to walk away.

I have a man interested in me. We've dated a few times. He's a nice guy, but I don't feel the same attraction for him as I feel for Jack. Maybe it's unfair to compare. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high? Should I distract myself with him, or would that be unfair to him also? I would feel as if I'm using him, and he won't even know he's just what I'm "settling" for.

Maybe I'll join a nunnery! :-\ Being single isn't as fun as I thought it would be... humbug.

[ShyBear]

Jack is not being fair to your or his girlfriend and you are allowing him to be unfair to you if you keep seeing him. You need to just walk away. I know it is hard...I had a man I was totally attracted to the way you are with Jack...he was no good for me either...he lied to me, made excuses why he could not see me, yet I was so totally attracted to him. I could not stop thinking about him...I thought if I did not talk to him everyday, I was going to go insane. I finally had to tell him how it was, that I had had enough of the bullshit, and things had to change, if they didn't, I was moving on...he stopped calling altogether and I moved on. It took a long while to do it but I did. One day at a time. First step was I deleted his phone numbers from my phones...I didn't have them memorized since I had them programmed. That stopped me from calling him. The next thing I did was delete all his texts messages. Then I could not text him anymore. A week or so later I removed him from my messenger and email lists. What took me over a month to do was deleting his pictures from my computer. That was the hardest because that meant I could not even see him anymore. But I finally did it. It takes willpower...you can do it. I have met a man now that respects me and dates only me...does not lie to me, and most importantly, has sex with only me.

Think about this....Jack has a girlfriend right...but he is cheating on her with you. What if you were his girlfriend? Do you think you can trust him enough, knowing he is capable of cheating, not to cheat on you? I don't think I could. I don't think you should. Walking away is not an easy thing when you are attracted to someone but if you are not in love with him it will be easier to do now than if you end up falling in love. He is not the kind of guy you want to fall in love with. If he had any intentions of being with you, he would not be moving in with this other girl, right? Keep that in mind.

Walk away before you get hurt,

[Mikayla1]

I am going to give you some good, honest advice here - and some may suprise you, and some may anger you as well.

First, IF this man truly, deeply cared about YOU in the same way as he does his girlfriend (or more than) he would dump her and be with you. All these years of him "wanting you" and all of a sudden he gets you and he can't decide if he wants to keep you? Ugghhh. Like Tyger said, "wants his cake...or pie..."

Second, I echo the sentiments of "if he would cheat on her, he will cheat on you..." I dated a cheater, I was the cheatee. I figured when we finally got together as exclusives that he would NEVER cheat on me, cause I was "the one" he had wanted. Well guess what....he cheated on me! Yeah, I was "the best sex" I was "his best friend" I was "his everything" but he still got his cock into someone else!

Third, you don't want to be "that girl." You know, the one that takes men away from their girlfriends. I have been "that girl" and it is not a happy place to be. Even if he goes to you exclusively, this little bar you frequent, news will spread in there so fast that you were the "tramp" who broke Jack and Jill up. Don't be that girl!

Fourth, here is where I get kind of contradictory. IF it is true that the chemistry is amazing and you can not find another guy that does to you what Jack does then don't give up on the possibility of a proper relationship. Meaning, confront him, be honest with him, STAY OUT OF BED, but tell him what you want. Make him choose. If he chooses her - close the door on him. If he says "I don't know" tell him you don't sleep with men who "don't know if they want you" and if he ever wants to fuck you or otherwise be with you, he has to choose now.

Is this fair? HELL YES! Listen, this kind of chemistry is rare....really rare (despite what some people might think) and it happens a limited amount of times in a lifetime. However, if he is not feeling it like you are, then you need to let him go. If he is feeling it, then he will choose you and you will both see where it goes. I see nothing wrong in proposing a choice here. He can come clean with his gf that he really wants to be with you - not easy - but he can be a man.

Moral here: life is too short to walk away from serious connections, but it is also too short to waste time and energy on any guy who is playing you for a bootie call! If it could be "something" then find out, but don't be his midnight coohie anymore. Make him own up to how he feels - no matter how hard that might be!

[Tyger]

Mikayla has some very good points.

If you really like this guy, tell him straight up how you feel AWAY From the bedroom. Tell him how YOU feel. Then, the ultimatum. Usually ultimatums are viewed as a bad thing, but not when you're standing up for yourself. Lay it out on the table. If he says "I don't know" or chooses his GF, that's when you need to cut off ties with him. If he says he needs to think about it, give him a time frame. If he can't give you a decision by then, again, cut off ties, no more bootie calls, texts, IMs, or phone calls, and move on.

Don't go with a guy that can't make up his mind who he wants to be with. Shybear made another good point. Do you think you'd be able to trust him if he chose you? Do you think he'd run back and forth between you and his current GF, or someone else?

At least, if you lay it all on the table, and are willing to risk it, then you can say you tried. That's what relationships are all about, risk, trust, friendship. Lust is a powerful thing. HOwever, especially with women, it can quickly turn into much much more than simple lust.

Also, don't "use" a guy to get over him. If you know this other guy has feelings for you, and you're just going with him to prove you're still attractive, well, the ego boost is nice, but if you give a guy false hope, use him, then dump him, that's where the bad rep comes in. If you tell this other guy that you're not looking to be serious right now, but are all good for a little fun, dates, and get togethers, then at least you're being honest with him & yourself too. But, again, you have to be careful how you handle it, cuz if he feels burned in anyway, he can really make your social life hell afterwards.

Normally, I tell people that they really shouldn't care about what people think. However, if you're in a small town, or go to the same places with the same people, word gets out, and your social life goes down the tubes, your reputation goes bad, and things go to hell.

I never cared about what people thought of me, I handled myself fairly responsibly, kept my personal business to myself, and came across exactly as I wanted too. As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror, without thinking "OMG, what in the hell have I done and become?", then you're good! Be happy with who you are, what you do, and think things thru.

Best wishes!!

[CyanSeas]

Thanks for the input, everyone. Everything you've all said, I already know, but it does help to hear it from other people. It's just so frustrating to have been attracted to this man for nearly 3 years, to have left my boyfriend to pursue my attraction for him, only to find out that he has a girlfriend! What kills me is that my boyfriend and I were "broken up" for a year and a half during this time, but we were too lazy to move on and still spent most of our time together. Jack and I talked about this - he was single then and we both wished I had acted upon my attraction to him. Talk about missed opportunity!

But you're all right. I should move on, get away from him. If he really wanted to be with me, he would. Though I never indicated that I wanted a relationship with him, and he's never made any false promises to me. Our relationship, if you can call it that, has been mainly physical. Yet, I'm inching ever so closer to the point where I want more, and that's not good. I have to end it before it gets harder.

As for asking him to make a decision or set an ultimatum, I have thought about it, but just like how I don't want to be the "tramp that broke them up" I also don't want to be the kind of girl that makes demands and sets deadlines. Perhaps it's called for in this case, and perhaps I'll regret not trying, I'm just not sure yet how I want to approach this. If me bringing it turns ugly (I'm sure it'll cause him a lot of stress) I don't want our "relationship" to end on our sour note. If I just walk away now, we'll at least have some very hot, intense memories that won't be marred by a serious twist at the end.

He's moving in with her next week, which I know is a big step in any relationship. We can't be doing this once he's actually living with her. We've talked about a "last hurrah" this weekend. I just need to figure out how I'm going to end it - a wild night of passionate sex, or a night of serious talk and ultimatums. :-\

I'm leaning towards the former just because it's easier and has no potential of ending on a sour note.

[CyanSeas]

So, I guess it's over.

Part of me had wanted to get together one last time, but I don't think it's going to happen. I haven't seen or talked to him since Monday morning, and it really does get easier. It was the communication and constant contact that made it hard to let go.

Though it is very hard to let go. I wanted to see him last night. Caved and sent him a text, but he didn't respond. I'm both sad and grateful that he didn't. Him being firm is helping me be firm. I didn't go crazy nor felt the urge to keep texting him or calling him. I just thought "Hmm, okay. This is the way it should be." I still miss him.

I will try to distract myself with other things. Friends. Housework. Gym. The guy I've been on a couple dates with:

Also, don't "use" a guy to get over him. If you know this other guy has feelings for you, and you're just going with him to prove you're still attractive, well, the ego boost is nice, but if you give a guy false hope, use him, then dump him, that's where the bad rep comes in. If you tell this other guy that you're not looking to be serious right now, but are all good for a little fun, dates, and get togethers, then at least you're being honest with him & yourself too. But, again, you have to be careful how you handle it, cuz if he feels burned in anyway, he can really make your social life hell afterwards.

I made sure he knew from the start that I wasn't looking for anything serious, so I think I'm in the clear there. I'm not with him to prove anything to myself, in fact, I have many suitors, I just feel a bit guilty that my motives to be with him aren't to be with him, but to distract me from Jack. At the same time, I haven't given this guy any false impressions about my intentions, so I hope I'm not doing a horrible thing. (Speaking of which, I need some thoughts about him - I'll start a new topic.)

Anyway, I don't feel the need anymore to contact Jack. And as long as I don't see him, I think I can keep this up.

But if he were to contact me... I just hope I'm strong enough to resist.