Been Disappointed Lately

[hotmama41]

I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.....I posted a reply on the Oral page, so you can see I love pleasuring my Husband orally and do it very well- as his reaction lets me know. I've been disapoointed though that he never really returns the favor. He makes attempts at oral once in a while, but it's obvious to me that something about it turns him off. I keep impeccably clean, got him some flavored lube, and even shaved down there to try to help things. I have let him know that it sends me to the moon when he does, and he knows that I have never had an O during intercourse. I let him know during intercourse by my moans, movements, etc. that even though I don't O, it still feels awesome having him inside me. I also give him compliments on the size of his penis and tell him how lucky I am to get to make love to him. I have turned him away no more than 4 times in the nearly 20 years we've been married, and have no porblem just giving him oral or a quickie to satisfy him in a time crunch. I've bought the kind of lingerie he's said he likes to see me in, and told him if there's a particular one he wants on a certain night, to put it under my pillow and I would happily wear it for him. Now here's the thing....We saw each other on Monday after a week apart. I met him out of town as he was already there and I couldn't go at the same time. We had tear your clothes off sex. I immediately went down on him and "tortured" him with my tongue and lips. There was no doubt he was loving every second of it. He was good and hard and wanted me to get on top. I did so and rode him for a while. We then switched positions 2 more times before he came. I let him rest for a litlle while, but kept wondering if he was going to help me, even with just his fingers. We ended up having to leave to get somewhere, but thought later that night we'd take care of things. He had asked me to bring a certain set of lingerie, so I put it on when we got back. I climbed into bed and waited. Nothing happened. He lay on the other bed watching tv. He obviously had no interest in pleasuring me, and I wasn't going to make him do it because I knew I wouldn't enjoy it that way. I went to bed feeling like crap and threw the items in the garbage the next morning. One thing I have told my husband is that I would like it if he would be more affectionate outside the bedroom. He seems to only touch and kiss me when he wants sex. He didn't touch or kiss me again until Wed. morning when he wanted it. It was the first time in a long time that I turned him away. I told him I was surpised he didn't mention the items I had thrown away. He didn't ask me any questions, or even apologize. He lay there for a moment, got up and went to his office. I feel as though he's being very selfish in our lovemaking, and not concerned about my feelings. I read several of the articles on the website, and didn't find anything to help. I don't do a single one of the things listed in "5 things women do wrong in bed", and feel cheated out of my pleasure. We do have a few toys, and I ordered another one today. I've never criticized his performance, and have used my hand to show him how to pleasure me. It just seems like he doesn't really want to. I know this is incredibaly long, and I'm sorry for that, but can anyone tell me if I'm out of whack, or what I can do about it? I would never consider withholding oral or other sex as a punishment, but I do feel my desire to pleaseure him lessening because I don't feel like my pleasure matters. Thank you so much for reading my extremely long post and for any help you may be able to give me.

[jennycherie]

I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.....

It just seems like he doesn't really want to. I know this is incredibaly long, and I'm sorry for that, but can anyone tell me if I'm out of whack, or what I can do about it?

HOTMAMA,

NO, I do not think you are overreacting and you are not out of whack. It sounds like you go out of your way to give pleasure and this is not reciprocated. You need to find a time OUTSIDE Of the bedroom and when there is no expectation of "performance" to talk about this. He needs to understand clearly that he *must* talk to you so you guys can figure this out. There must be a reason (which could be as simple as insecurity) for his behavior and it is *reasonable* for you to feel hurt. It is important to talk calmy and just try to understand each other. Sex is supposed to be fun for BOTH people--even if one has a harding time climaxing than the other. If he is really uncomfortable with oral sex, there are many other ways for him to pleasure you but your pleasure is not optional any more than his is, in my opinion. good luck

[Tyger]

Welcome, and WOW! What a post! Unfortunately, you are not alone as far as "Lazy Lovers" go.

This may sound harsh, however, I am just responding to what I've read.

It's great that you are so supportive and complimentary to your husband. That's really a wonderful thing. However, the sentences "I also give him compliments on the size of his penis and tell him how lucky I am to get to make love to him." may make him feel like he doesn't NEED to do anything else for you. That you're lucky enough to make love to him with his large cock, so why bother doing more? I'm not in any way saying that you should STOP complimenting him, but I would lighten up on it a little.

Also, the suggestion to talk with him, away from the bedroom, is a wonderful idea. Let him know, nicely, but directly too, that you are a little disappointed in the bedroom, and that you may not be overly clear as to what you want, when you want it. You miss having oral sex GIVEN to you. You LOVE what he does to you, and wish tha the would use his mad oral skills a bit more. Yes, that's stroking his ego, but, that's what may need to happen if you want him to start paying a bit more attention to you orally. Be clear as to what you want. He may not have any idea that you're unhappy with how things are going, since you compliment him so.

You sound like a very giving and caring lover. He, unfortunately, should consider HIMSELF LUCKY to be able to make love to YOU, and it's high time that he knows it, IMO.

Best wishes!

[hotmama41]

If everytime you picked up a hammer to hit a nail, you managed only to hit your thumb, how soon would it be before you would not pick up a hammer for all the money in the world?

The point I am trying to make is that men don't have to be told they are a failure----after 20 years your DH has figured out he is a failure as a lover, becuase he can give you orgasms, orally, or during SI. So, I suspect he has stopped trying. That is too bad, but unfortunately, not unusual. I know several men who having gotten married a few years could care less about sex. When you press them, its obvious they have never felt like successful lovers with the women they love. The relationship backs off to being just friends and roommates, unless one or the other is particularly horny some night, and then the other may consent to having some kind of sex.

I had a brief affair with a woman who had been with a series of men over the past 30 years, and had never experienced a multiple orgasm. I expressed surprise, because she talked like she enjoyed sex, had orgasms, and seemed to have a pretty varied life experience with her past lovers. The first time I made love to her, she had several multipe orgasms. She was stunned. After the first, I let her come back down to earth, and she asked me if that was what had just happened, so I asked her to explain what it was she remembers experiencing. After she described multiple orgasms, I told her that is what you had, and she smiled and asked me if we could do that again. Being a bit of a smartass, I said, " well, I know I can do it again. The question is are you willing to do it again?" And off she went again. She also was surprised at my ability to not climax during all of hers. By that time in my life I had spent a lot of time learning how to controll my orgasms, but I apparently was the first guy she had ever made love to who could do that, or did it with her. Oh, well! My kneess were cramping, so I rolled us over, putting her on top, and she told me she had never been on top before and didn't know what to do? Now, I was shocked. I told her to do what she wanted, or at least what felt good, as long as it didn't cause me pain. After a bit of movement, a few mistakes that caused my cock to come out of her pussy, one mishap where she tried to drop down on it at the wrong angle, and hurt me while almost breaking my cock, she figured out the dos and don't and seemed to have a fine time being on top.

My purpose in sharing that story with you is that the both of you should like you are a little short on education about climaxes, how to have them, how to have more of them, how to have multiple orgasm, and how to have G-spot orgasms. Your husband may need more education than you. We haven't hear his side of this.

Our Sex Education section here is filled with wonderful articles on how to do just about everything. In addition, the wide variety of topics on this forum allows members to discuss just about every facet of lovemaking, of every kind and description. If there is something not on here, It would be a pleasant surpise to me. PLEASE, read the articles. Copy them and give them to your husband to read. They will help both of you talk about sex easier, and then you can find out why he has given up on you. I think that once he has an idea how to help you orgasm, he will be off and running with you in no time. Do consider buying a good vibrator, if for no other reason than to train your body and brain how to orgasm. The vast majority of women cannot achieve orgasm without some kind of direct stimulation of their clitoris. So what is the big deal, one of you is able to reach it during SI and there is no reason that such manual stimulation( or using a vibrator for that purpose ) cannot be used during SI to achieve that satisfaction.

Women are not going to experience orgasms, normally, unless they are relaxed. Most couples with problems experiencing orgasm are making sex too serious. Its suppose to be fun. Its Adult Playtime, not work! Laughter is one of the best ways to relax. Another is long slow breathing where you inhale slower than you exhale, and you exhale as hard and as deep as you physically drain your lungs, then count to 5, before beginning to breath in slowly. Do this while being sexually stimulated and you should take off to your orgasm very quickly. The brain just can't maintain conrtrol when its hit with different rhythms-- his oral sensations, and your slow breathing. The lover who had never had multiples before was actually fighting off her own orgasms all the time by taking short gasps of air. When I changed her breathing, and took up to multiples, she finally became a believer that she had been her own worst enemy as far as having wonderful satisfying orgasms. She just didn't know, and all the lovers she had over the years had not taught her what I did in a few minutes- well, maybe a couple of hours!

I wish you the best, and hope you will report back on your progress.

Howard

[hotmama41]

Thank you all for your input- I really do appreciate it. I will try to respond to all of your ideas in one post. Just to be clear,, we do have conversations outside of the bedroom and have no trouble discussing sex. I can have multiple clitoral orgasms, but he stops after the first and is ready to move on. We have 2 vibes that we play with freely and I ordered a third today. I have guided his hand and let him know softer, to the left, etc.... just as he has let me know what he likes. I have also touched and rubbed to show him what I like while he watched. I compliment his size, etc., but it's not a running comentary- more of a playful comment made on occasion. I have sat on the sofa holding his hand to tell him exactly what I like and need. Not a lecture or list of his shortcomings, but a conversation. (Do you like it when I do _______.....because I sure like it when you do_____... What can I do to make giving me oral more enjoyable for you... I've shown him the articles that say how many women climax through clitoral stimulation and not si. I have told him of my research to find more ways to pleasure him- giving him the names of the sites I've visited. I mentioned all of the topics that are discussed. I know men generally aren't into all the talking, so the conversations are always short and to the point. I guess I was expecting too much for him to think, "wow, I've been getting some really amazing pleasure lately, maybe I could find something out there I could use to rock her world." I have no problem rubbing my clit during intercourse,, and we have used a vibe for that purpose. I truly enjoy si and I'm not hung up on my lack of ability to climax during it. I am open to and enjoy many different positions. I ride him either positioned so that we can look at each other, or so that my back is to him. Missionary and doggie style are wonderful as is standing bent over anywhere (especially in front of a mirror). When I am pleasuring him, I smile, say mmmmmmm, and let him know that I am enjoying what I am doing. My issue is that I just don't feel important to him. I'm so disappointed in him that he's being so selfish. He seems more concerned about his own enjoyment. When he does break down and give me oral, it's obvious to me that he is not enjoying it and I can't help but feel hurt and rejected. He knows he has the ability to give me incredible orgasms if he wants either through oral or manual clitoral stim., or fingering my "g" spot, I had hoped that by doing what I could to make him feel good, that after a while, he would want to do the same for me. I didn't want to whine or beat him over the head- and thought leading by example would be a more positive way to help him want to pleasure me. I will definately look at the articles again and print off any that might help. I thought I would roll the one about cunninglingus in a tube and tie it with a satin ribbon, and put on a tag something to the effect of, "got so hot reading this that I couldn't finish it- would you finish it for me and show me what I missed? I'd be soooo appreciative!" or "I think that if you did this to me, I would be so overcome with pleasure that I couldn't wait to get my lips on you!" or something like that. Something light hearted and fun so that hopefully he would be more open to it and not see it as criticism, but power- the power of information. Hopefully the article will help him understand what I have not been able to get across to him. I dream of asexual experience where my partner is happy to take his time and really cares about my pleasure. I will do my homework over the weekend and hopefully have happy news to report. Thanks again everyone!

[thurisas]

I'm going to be extremely blunt here, so fair warning. Your husband is just plain selfish and immature. He's missing the big picture here that sex is playtime and is supposed to be fun for all people involved. He doesn't get it, doesn't want to get it, and likely won't get it. You've tried subtle hints(which don't work for most guys), you've tried talking about it, now it's time to pull out the baseball bat and club him over the head with it. You have to let him know that while you like being with him, like what he does, it just doesn't get you to the place you want to be during sex. He needs to know that you love to be turned to melted butter over his tongue and he needs to know that you are taken over the edge each and every time with this and that you can't wait to take him afterward. Ultimately, he needs to know how to have fun with others, take turns, and share...all things he should have learned in kindergarten.

Thurisas.

[hotmama41]

I gave him the articles and he took them with interest. After he read them he said he thought they were really good.... but nothing has changed. I blew him in his favorite chair Sunday night, in bed last night and again this morning. I took care of myself in the tub yesterday with my new toy, and am headed that way again today. He said this morning he wanted to pleasure me "this morning after the kids go to school so there'd be no interruptions". They've been in school for a several hours now and I'm still waiting (though not holding my breath!) He works from home and always knows what his schedule is. So as I sit here listening to him in his office I can't help but be upset by his empty promise of pleasure for me. It's difficult for me to see or feel his erection w/o wanting to do something about it- I would hate to think of a man suffering with a hard on that I caused (even if I wasn't trying to cause it). I don't understand how this man can touch, rub and kiss me, tell me he'll take care of me when the timing is better and then leave me to suffer, not seeming the least bit concerned about my needs. I've decided it's 3 strikes and he's out. As dificult as it will be for me to not pleasure him orally, I am putting my foot down. I never wanted to demand, I just wanted him to WANT to. Quite a combo of feelings I have going on here...Intense arousal and extreme heartache.....