I Don't Get Him! Help Me?

[jumpintoaction]

My boyfriend lives with me and he likes having sex. And he has to be in the same room as me at all time. This is fine. He however, doesn't enjoy cuddling, and he will only kiss me a couple times through out the day. We have been dating for a while now and we have only made out a handful of times. After sex he never cuddles, and he never wants to sleep in the same bed. I know he loves me, he tells me all the time. but the only time he ever really shows his love for me is when he is gone for a couple days and returns home. then he is huggy, kissy and cuddly. it's like to him being in the same room is spending time together. i really wish he would kiss me and just hold me more. i love just being close to him. i don't want to suffocate him though. why is he being like this?

[Tyger]

I disagree, you don't need to be offended by your man's behavior, especially if your man has always been like this, which is what it sounds like, then you can't expect him to POOF, change just because you want him to do so. And, I don't think he's treating you like you're unclean. I'm not sure how old he is, or how he was raised, but that also may have something to do with it. Don't ring the doomsday bell yet! There is hope!

The first step is telling him what you want. Tell him you want a bit more snuggling time, holding hands, even if it's just sitting on the couch and leaning into each other. Men can't read minds, and many of them just don't pay attention to HINTING. Most will tell/ask you to just cut to the chase and say what's on your mind, not beat around the bush.

A lot of men (my hubby included) think that just being in the same room is the same as spending time together. Maybe that's how he grew up. There's a big difference between spending time together by occupying the same space, and spending QUALITY time together, bonding.

When talking to him, don't play the Blame Game. Don't make him feel "wrong" for something he probably has no clue that he's doing and it's bothering you. Plus, when you get blamed for something you're not aware of, what do you do? It usually puts people in defense mode, and communication goes down. Something like "I've noticed that we don't snuggle after sex, and I really love to do that. After the great orgasms you give me, I just want to remain close to you a bit longer." You can grab a book/magazine to read, or your laptop, and entertain yourself while you just sit beside him when he's watching tv, even if it's something you don't like to watch, and lean on him, or lay in his lap, and enjoy the closeness. Most men will automatically put their arm around you at the very least.

Let him know what you want and how you feel. You'll feel better that you did! Best wishes!

[Mikayla1]

I agree with Tyger here, I would not be so offended by his behavior. Men are wired differently - no kidding, they really are. Most men are not very cuddly all the time - and a high majority of men are not "post coital cuddlers!" Does this mean that ALL men are - no, absolutely not. However, men have a need to be "separate" after ejaculation - it just is like that. Take my husband for example - he is very affectionate, huggy and kissy -but after sex - he is NOT a cuddler. Guess what, that is OK with me completely. He is so good to me in other ways that post sex cuddling is just not important.

As for the sleeping in the same bed - hey, I get this! I LOVE to sleep - LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to sleep. I sleep much better when my husband is NOT at home. Sure I miss him, and sure it is great to know he is there, but I physically sleep better when he is not next to me snoring and snorting all night. Perhaps he just wants to get a good night's rest - and that I understand completely!

I also agree with Tyger when she suggests to talk to him about it and cut to the chase. Don't pussyfoot around him - just tell him, hey, can we cuddle sometimes? Ask him and tell him what you need - be reasonable - and tell him WHY! Men and women both need to hear the WHY! It is not unreasonable to want to cuddle, but it might be to want to completely change him. Don't try it.

[thurisas]

I'm going to back up Tyger and Mikayla here. I'm not much of a cuddler after sex, my wife is, however. Sometimes I will stay, sometimes not but we both understand that it has nothing to do with how I feel. As far as same room time-spending goes...well, I'm guilty as charged. In my mind it's enough to know that my wife is there and that if I had something that I wanted to share or say, there it is. I should hope that I don't do this at the expense of quality time as was mentioned earlier by Tyger, that just isn't cool but if your guy is like me he may have to tear himself away from the thing he is currently concentrating on and deliberately turn his attention to you. I have to do this only because I get intensely engrossed in whatever I happen to be doing. Lastly, guys don't typically take hints as has been previously mentioned. Every now and again I'll catch my wife laughing at me because she knows this and yet still tries to be subtle. Her laughter is usually a que for me to say 'Okay, what'd I miss?' So my suggestion is also talk to him but it isn't necessarily fair for you to try to change him outright...compromise is certainly on the table though.

Thurisas.

[its1013]

THERE ARE DOZENS OF REASONS to explain why men do that, but the only way to understand him, or get him to change, is to sit him down and talk to him about this, and your needs. Ask him what his problem is. If I were you, I would be deeply offended by his behavior, as he is treating you as if you are not clean, whether that is what he actually thinks or not.

Sit him down some time when you both have your clothes on, when he is in a good mood, or whatever, away from the bedroom, and ask him what is going on with him. If his behavior doesn't change, get him out of your life. Not everyone is ready to act maturely in a relationship. All relation ship are learning experiences, and some people learn more about themselves, than about their partner. But, both parties owe it to their lovers to aks and listen, and learn about their lover's needs, desires, and dreams. Its not enough to just be there when YOU are feeling ready; a lover need you there when they are ready, too, whether you are or not. It doesn't sound like he understands that.

Sex is not about getting YOUR rocks off: its about getting your lover's rocks off. Its about giving your lover pleasure, and letting him/her give you pleasure. Both lovers have to be good students and even better teachers. Communicatioin is everything, and the learning process goes on during the life of the relationship, as each person changes with experiences, and each lover's desires and dreams change as they age and gain more confidence. I gather from your comments that you have this all figured out. I don't think he does. Talk to him. Don't let him be all excited and huggy when he comes home until you have had this duscussion and he begins to understand where he has failed you. He has to want to change, if anything is going to change. Otherwise, you are just the woman in his life who takes care of his sexual urges, and nothing more. Don't let that happen.

Howard

I'm a new member and was searching for some thoughts on the same issue I'm having with a guy right now. I know this is an old post but here goes. I have to agree with Howard. But moreover I feel what the writer is saying. She needs/wants more. What's wrong with the guy giving more if it's there. If it's not, move on. If I had someone special in my life, I would have no problem giving more. I would hope that signals and true connection would be enough but I also hope that I wouldn't have to ask but one time, eithre. I also am looking for that once in a lifetime special connection where I don't have to "work" at a relationship or settle for second best. So I get what she's saying.

Yes, men are wired differently but I know plenty of men who would snuggle after sex or will hold you just because.

Hope it works out for you.

[thurisas]

I really am sorry to say this, Sexualpeak, but every single relationship out there needs work at one point or another. Trying to find that magical relationship where this isn't needed is only setting you up for failure. Men and women are wired very differently and you are right that some changes should come and should absolutely cater to your feelings, however a relationship takes compromise and I don't see in your post where you're willing to give up some from your end. Talking is about the only way you're going to make your wants and needs known and you really need to remember that conversations go both ways and you have to listen(not just hear the words, but hear their meaning as well) as well as talk. If you go through your relationship waiting for him to read your mind or catch your signals, you're going to be often disappointed.

I'm sorry if that sounds a little blunt but I believe that is reality.

Thurisas.

[its1013]

I really am sorry to say this, Sexualpeak, but every single relationship out there needs work at one point or another. Trying to find that magical relationship where this isn't needed is only setting you up for failure. Men and women are wired very differently and you are right that some changes should come and should absolutely cater to your feelings, however a relationship takes compromise and I don't see in your post where you're willing to give up some from your end. Talking is about the only way you're going to make your wants and needs known and you really need to remember that conversations go both ways and you have to listen(not just hear the words, but hear their meaning as well) as well as talk. If you go through your relationship waiting for him to read your mind or catch your signals, you're going to be often disappointed.

I'm sorry if that sounds a little blunt but I believe that is reality.

Thurisas.

Hi,

Oh I agree there has to be some work in a relationship but what I meant was "hard work". If you are unhappy, having to beg for something, settling for 2nd best, making excuses, etc, then it's not a relationship worth being in. I'm definately willing to compromise as long as I know he loves me/cares about me. But being in my old age that I am, I've long left behind being the first one to compromise on the off chance that he'll appreciate my endeavors and come around. I've been burned too many times.

Later,

sexualpeak