One Sided Sexual Relationship

[jkleintank]

Topic Marked for deletion

[Mikayla1]

Welcome Jake!

Well, I will be glad to lend my opinion, but I am not the 'typical' woman, so my response may vary greatly from others here. That is what makes TooTImid wonderful though!

You mention that you have been married 4 years and have 2 children - young children. My first thought is that the two of you have not had much time to be 'alone' before bringing children into your relationship. Most couples explore sex and sexuality more so before kids, then again after children are a bit older. Your children are in that "need everything" all the time stage. This is very draining on both parents - and especially the MOm. Believe you me, I have had both sides of the spectrum, I worked as a law clerk in a very busy law firm with lots of responsibility while attending law school at night - then I gave it all up to be a stay at home Mommy (with a few outside responsibilities) and let me tell you - being 'Mom' is harder than any job I have had! It is emotionally, physically and psychologically draining! It is also extremely rewarding. There are times when I feel so totally not sexual that I could care less. When that happens to ME, I take a time out and rejuveniate myself and remind myself that sex is important to MY relationship with my hubby.

Many women can not do this. The responsibility of life takes over - they just can't balance "mom" and "sex goddess" or ever sexual person. To them, this dual role seems oxymoronic at best. This may be what is happening to your wife. Also, for many women, being "nasty" in the bedroom is also at odds with their new role as PARENT. Now, I realize that this seems ludicrious - as you understand that what you do with your spouse sexually is a part of love - no matter what (or where) you are doing this. However, some women (and men too) can't regain the freaky part of their sexual self after parenthood. I suspect this is what happened with you and your wife.

I understand the tendency to look at other women - even people in happy and complete relationships look at other people. However, the concern is that YOU are concerned about this. Sex is important to you - it is obviously not as important to your wife. So, what you have to do is try to find a way to explain to her what you need and want. Tell her you understand about her feelings and try to make sex fun again. I would also suggest that if you are not already doing so, you try to help her with the housework and child care and pamper her a bit. If she feels more relaxed and helped, she may feel more sexual!

I am sure others will give you some great advice - but for now - that is what I am thinking!

[pappyld04]

I wonder if you are actually considering something you WILL regret. When you say that you are looking at other women and finding them more attractive it really sounds like you are about to take a left hand turn in your relationship. There is nothing wrong with finding other women attractive it is how you deal with this that really matters. Every woman on this planet is attractive in one way or another. Some outward, some inward. But I think you may have made a mistake in discussing this with your wife. You should really figure out what the problem is with your wife. She may have turned off any emotions for you because of the things that you say to her. Four years does not really seem like enough time for things to turn as they have. Subtle changes will always occur but yours seems much more than subtle. I cannot begin to tell you how to fix this but you should rehash the things you have said to her and see if that may be your underlying problem here. Remember that lovers do not like to be compared to others and you may have put her in that mindset with your discussion about other women. I really hope I'm way off-base here but this is the idea I have gotten from your post.

[Tyger]

As a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom), and the one that does 98% of the housework and yard work, I can definitely echo the sentiments of Mikayla as far as parenting goes, and how a Mom can feel. I only have one child, who's almost 5, and I still get worn out!!! I can only imagine the stresses of 2! Does she stay home with the kids?

Sometimes, it's seemingly impossible to get OUT of "Mommy Mode", as Howard directly and accurately put it. A woman sometimes feels as though a "Mom shouldn't DO those sorts of things anymore" after having kids. Make the mother of your kids not only feel sexy, but AS A WOMAN too. Not just a mother.

AGain, 4 years may seem like a long time, but, it's really not. How long did you 2 date before you had kids? I don't mean to sound patronizing or rude, but you had your first child when you were 22, right? That's really not that old to have kids. Granted, they're here, and you love them, I'm sure. But, when you are first dating, and are THAT young, well, sex is extremely intense, and sometimes seemingly desperate. You have sex to almost MAKE a connection, KWIM? In new relationships, people tend to be a bit more adventuresome than those who are in long-term ones, to impress the other partner, and to make them want YOU, and only YOU. Not to say that those in long-term relationships can't or aren't so much, cuz there are definitely those out there that are, or are learning to be.

Things usually calm down a bit, sexually, once the "newness" wears off. Granted, you may not have all of the explosive sex that you once did, but that doesn't mean that it has to completely die out either. Plus, IMO, sex between a couple that's been together longer, is more emotionally intense, then those that are just starting out, relationship wise. Make sense?

Being honest in a relationship is great. I'm not sure how exactly you worded that you're checking out and becoming interested in other women, but wording is important. And I'm not sure if that was really neccassary in admitting to her at this point. It may have made her feel guilty and really bad about herself as a woman, like she can't keep her man's interest, so why bother? At least that would be how I felt if my husband told me that, due to a lack of sex, he was looking at other women more and becoming more attracted to them instead of trying to seduce me.

[jkleintank]

Removed

[pappyld04]

First off I really appreciate the responses. A few more point I think I need to make. We have been together for a total 7 years dating for 3 and married for 4, so yes very young relationship. Both of our children's conceptions where in fact accidents, but true blessings; which I would have no other way. We do not want any more children as we have a girl & boy, which is plenty. She has had an IUD since our son (youngest), therefore the fear of getting preganant again is very nile, expecaially since I plan on undergoing a vacectamy in near future.

Our current situation, is that we just recently moved from MD to SC (Work related) 2 months ago. she has been a fulltime mom since we got preganat with our first. We have been without our kids for the past 2 weeks as they are visiting their grandparents in MD. Which has been nice as we never really had a honeymoon period; just the 2 of us. I aboviuosly, work fulltime in my career to support our family, and I understand the stresses of a fulltime mom as I used to work from home and delt with it first hand for a long time. That being said I try to help out as much as possible.

In regards to the concerns about expressing emotions and thought of me looking at other women, this was a very recent conversation. I understand that she was hurt by these words, by the way this was brought on night when we decided to right down mutual questions about our relationship and emotions ect and then discuss with one another. I truly believe in having an honest and open relationship, if I had not expressed these things to her she may never know the severity of my emotional/sexual distress. And if she takes on the mindset "so why bother" then it will eventually fail one way or another, but truly believe this to irrelevant because I think she looked at the issue in a constructive manner.

Also, about 1 year ago or so we were able to re-kindle our HOT sex life. The only changing event then was money. I was working a good contracting job which bumped my salary over 200k. Yet, be a contract job there was an end. During that time frame there was no extra stress with the exception of the little stress from our children (they are really good kids). Anyway the reason I mention all of this is because I am now back in the same (little less) fortune with my new job here in SC, plus the our kids are with the grandparents. We have no stress what so ever except for missing our children and my little stress from work. Many of you may think that well maybe she resents you because of the move, well she absolutely hated MD and loves North Myrtle beach, SC.

Anyway any more thoughts are greatly appreciated as hopefully a better picture has been painted. Thanks

Jake

First let it be known that this may be considered harsh, It is not meant to be that way. You say this was brought on by a night of writing things down. There is something in communicating with your partner that MUST BE SAID!! This is a very major one. As young as you are I wonder what the communication is between the two of you other than pen and paper. You really need to open your lines of communcation and start talking about things!!!!1