Figuring Out My Wife's Desires With Out Asking Her

[curiousgeorge]

My wife and I have an ok sex relationship, but I think it could be better. Or I think I could be better at satisfying her if I knew what made her tick sexually. We've not been together long but I came to find out early that my wife was sexually abused as a child by her step brother. She says it happened for a period of time between the ages of 5 to 7 by her step brother who was a teenager, about 16 at the time. She hasn't told me everything, but from what I experience, it left considerable emotional and mental scarring. She has a very random and limited sex drive due to this I've experienced, which is very very understandable. But what I don't understand is some of her behavior during sex. I'm not totally able to approach her for sex like I was used to in former relationships. For instance, we don't make out that much. And making out doesn't really turn her on enough for sex. It seems that she likes to be caressed and then we usually just take off our clothes and have sex. But what really turns her on is when she gets spanked and talked dirty to. She likes being asked if she's been bad and this really conflicts with what I imagine a person who's been molested would behave like in bed. I am trying to figure out how far these fetish behavior traits of her go. It seems she prefers rough sex versus the traditional love making. Which is fine by me, but a new thing I've yet to adjust to. I like satisfying her any which way I can, even if it means getting a little dominant and spanking her. I just don't understand the psychology behind it all. To me sex is a love thing as well as a lust thing, where as with her its always been a lust thing. She says she had a period of promiscuity during highschool and shortly after, but came to dislike the life of one night stands. In the beginning when we first started dating and she wasn't responding to the what I thought was the traditional kissing and caressing foreplay thing to do, I became a little frustrated because I'd never had a girl respond like that before. The first few times we had sex it was lustful and loving but I think due to the frequency and more traditional approach I had to sex, she quickly got bored with it or seemed uncomfortable with it. Well I am thinking a little of both. I don't have any fetishes really, but I think a little fetish behavior is great. My wife says she'd seen porn at a really young age too, her parents had tapes that she and her siblings got into. I'm still hanging in there with learning how to change up my game in bed but I'd like to know more from people out there who've had similar experiences. I know a good way is to just talk to my wife about things but there too I'd rather not, I don't like to put too much talk into the experience of sex. And I think too much talk would make her uncomfortable with my frustrations. Though I am not really that frustrated, more intrigued I think.

[Tyger]

Welcome to the fourm curiousgeorge.

I was raped, at the age of 6, but only once. It left some scarring. But, with great friends, a lot of reading, and even confronting my rapist, well, I have been able to get emotionally past it. It took a very long time to do so. Plus, I think it was a bit easier, since it WAS only ONCE, if that makes sense?

It depends on how old, mature, and how much she's been able to talk about her abuse. Also, some people get a lot of comfort if their attacker was apprehended and punished (legally). It makes them feel almost vindicated. However, there is a statute of limitations, and if he hasn't been punished by now, and she's over the age of 16, then it's probably too late.

I'm sure that it's also hard for her, especially if her parents/step-parent are still married and she has to see her step-brother at family functions. Be there for her, support her, and try to put yourself between her and her step-brother if and when possible. Just so she can feel as though there's a barrier protecting her. If she hasn't told her parents, well, that's her call to do so. I would encourage her to tell her biological parent at least, if that parent doesn't know.

Each person handles different types of things differently. It depends, again, on her personality, how she handles things, and experiences, on how she will react. Some people have flashbacks at the oddest times which can be triggered by a touch, word, smell, or simply seeing something that may remind her of what happened. Reactions can be terror, slight fear, crying, screaming, stiffening, shutting down, and/or pushing you away, amoung other ones.

The thing to remember, is that she isn't reacting to YOU, and shouldn't blame YOU for her reactions. And neither should you. Many call these flashbacks Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It's not your fault that she reacts that way, or that you may have done something, unwittingly of course, that triggered her mind back to the abuse. Those things happen. Once she calms down, encourage her to talk to you about it. I would also HIGHLY suggest that she talk to a professional. I know that counsellors can be expensive. However, there are always other alternatives. Such as: a priest/minister, friends, support groups, and even the internet. I'm sure there are thousands of support boards/groups for victims of childhood sexual abuse.

Getting her to talk about it may be the hardest thing. However, if she knows she can talk to you, and you encourage her to do so, there's not much else you really should do. Being too pressing can upset her. Listen carefully to her, offer comfort, and be there for her.

Best Wishes!

[thurisas]

Keep in mind that I'm no psychologist but here's a possible explanation. Your girlfriend was violated in a very horrific way. What's more, not only was she violated by someone she should have been able to trust, but she was likely betrayed by her own body when it reacted to the stimulus during and act that she probably knew on some level was wrong. As a result she very well may feel that this sort of wrongness as part of sex...hence the spanking and dirty talk. She may also have felt that sex=love and is having to adjust to your way of looking at sex. This can take her time, especially if she was promiscuous in high school because we all know that boys at that point are all raging hormones and she was probably used at times.

I also think she could benefit from a support group and counseling, I also agree that her family reunions are probably difficult if the step-brother is still a part of her life, and I also agree that you can be a supportive figure but that means you have to talk to her. She's survived hell, I don't think a calm conversation about your sexual relationship is going to break her.

Thurisas.

[curiousgeorge]

Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify, my wife does not see her step brother at all anymore. Her step dad disowned him for the most after this all happened to her. But the subject of her molestation was not talked about after that in the house. That's what pisses me off the most. If it were my kid I would have known she would have needed some kind of child therapy right away to deal with what happened. Instead she was left to deal alone. I've never taken the easy route with anything in my life, and I can't say its been great. But if anything I've tried to do the right things. And I think with my profession in health care I am pretty much doomed to a life of putting others first, which is fine. My only main concern is that my wife is faithful and that the sexual differences between my self and her are going to lead to me just learning a more lustful approach to sex. I feel as if I can actually release some stress from being rough with her. Like all the stress I get from her personality and luggage I can react to during sex. If she likes it, fine. I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me all her fetishes with out asking her. What would a woman with her personality prefer in the bed? It seems a bit on the SM side to me, although most of her sex toys are harmless vibrators and a few porn DVDs which she used during the periods when she states she wasn't getting any before we met. We've not watched much porn together or used the toys and I wish that I would have been a little more kinky in the beginning and introduced a little of this stuff myself to her. In my mind I am thinking I just need to learn a few crazy techniques that aren't quite SM but do sort of get to her sweet spots. She does, when fully horny and after about 20 minutes into sex, like to get fucked like a slut. That really gets her off. I get off on it too but in the past with other relationships I've not had to work it a bit more than I do now. Its just a crazy situation. But we do love each other and I want to do good my her. Though if it came down to it, I wouldn't have any problems divorcing her if she did something stupid like getting a fuck buddy or doing stuff behind my back. I've walked away from a lot of relationships and marrage isn't really anything different I think. At least not in this life. Her matural father is on his 3rd wife already. Another thing is that her Mom had her when she was 15. So her Mom wasnt really stable or caring at all to be a mother I think. All this crap makes for a very screwed up childhood no doubt. But I'm just going to ride this thing till the wheels fall off or I've done everything I could or things just fall into place after a few years. To quote from the movie The Departed, "I'm irish, I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life" I guess is what it boils down to in my experience. In the mean time I'm just going to have to spank my wife.

[pappyld04]

I'm wondering if she's ever had anyone who has stood by her as you are willing to? I know this is one of the reasons that lead to the PTSD type problems. It sounds as though she has an almost justified reason for her problems. Your willingness to see her through these problems may be the first step in helping her. I'm only guessing here but I would bet that she has never trusted anyone because they either used her or ignored her. That in itself would be capable of causing problems but when it's coupled with the way that she was left to her own devices in trying to deal with the abuse that is an even bigger problem. I couldn't begin to tell you how to change the situation but IMO you are heading in the right direction. Although I've been diagnosed with PTSD it was for an entirely different reason. It took me almost a year to even be able to go out the door to find help. Since I have been through this I will tell you to do some research into any person you may be referred to. Some of these places are NOT capable of actually helping her. They tend to push meds onto you rather than dealing with the real problem. When I first went in I absolutely refused to take meds. After a time with no noticable improvements I decided that I may have to go against everything that I believe and try their meds. I tried 4 in total and with each one I gained a new problem. The side-effects of the meds were only adding to the list of shit that was already there. I cannot say for sure but it appears that they were just trying to scam the insurance rather than doing what they are designed for. I have met with one who I cannot afford to see who IMHO may have been able to help. Since my income is limited to rent money from my 3 properties it puts a limit on the places that are affordable and will actually help. I would think that a rape survivor group or something similar may be a good place to seek information. Even if you cannot talk her into going you could go and at least talk to someone who may know of a good doctor that can help. 2 thumbs up for being a stand-up guy who doesn't run in the face of a problem like this. I hope things work out!!!

[curiousgeorge]

Appreciate the response. Yes I think the only thing here is to put my ego a-side and just take it slow and have some attention to detail when it comes to pleasing my wife sexually. I think she is a very proud person but at the same time dealing with a lot of PTSD. It will probably take her years, where it took me only a few months to get comfortable in the relationship. I know her Mom's side of the family are on some form of SSRI treatment. It seems to do them good although I think it probably took a few trials and also a little medicinal cannabis on the side from what I have observed. My wife has mentioned a few times that she wished she had some 'not give a fuck' pills. But so far she appears to be making it through everything ok with out them. I have been able to help her medically reach some treatment with her allergies. I'm not too sure about serotonin reuptake inhibitors. They work for some, perhaps more like placebo than anything. I think the real cure to PTSD and a hard life is finding something to keep yourself busy with and having a job you like. I knew a war vet for instance who would work tons and tons of over time, sometimes even with out being the clock, just to keep his mind off things. Perhaps the truth is there is no real way of finding a cure, just days that go by and ones ability not to fuck up too bad during the day. So what ever works, works. Although that is a pretty vague way of looking at it, me for one I think I need a little more security. Too bad they're aren't any good 'i dont give a fuck pills'. I guess just 'being there' for her and swallowing most of my frustrations, pride and misconceptions will be the best. But its damn hard. I can't say I've not said to my self what Howard said 'RUN LIKE HELL'. But that would just be the shittiest thing ever. And I am pretty much done running. What's that Dennis Hopper movie with Don Johnson's character (I think it was Hot Spot) where he says at the end something like a man needs to know his level and just live it? I think that pretty much sums up what it feels like to be faced with problems and seeing them through. Good luck on your side too Pappy

[Tyger]

Also remember, that, where a lover should be willing to experiment with new things, fetishes, toys, and techniques, doesn't guarantee that your lover will LOVE what you do. Of course, they should be willing to try it, at least once. If they don't like it, then that's not something that should be pushed onto anyone. She may be so sexually shut down due to her abuse (understandably) that will probably prevent her from fully opening up sexually, on her own.

A lot of people I know, have come across their personal fetishes completely by accident. Your wife may not feel overly comfortable trying to think of sexual "no-no's" that most people don't even talk about, let alone try. But, with a little discussion, respect, trust, some trial & error, it can be done. Each person is different. There are several out there that never find something fetish that they prefer.

Of course you realize that your wife has trust issues, and, you can only do so much to work on that. Trust comes from within. It's admirable that you knew of her history, and still stand by her. Many people find out that someone's been thru something as traumatic as your wife and run for the hills, since they know that this person will be a bit more "work" than they're probably capable and/or willing of giving. That shows that you love her, and she trusts you enough to allow you in her trust circle. Only to a degree. And, unless you've been thru something like this, it's near impossible to understand how she feels, hence your questions here. She may not even KNOW how she's feeling, until she opens up to someone, nuetral, that can help her get thru it. She may not know the level of her betrayal, anger, hurt, and fear. She may recognize it, or say that she "should be over it", but, with this level of betrayal and abuse, then she may be unwittingly covering up more than she realizes!

Again, I would stress the need for a specialist in this field for her to talk with. Plus, let me also say that just because someone goes to counselling, doesn't mean that they're "cured", or that it works for everyone. Sometimes, it doesn't. But, at least it can be said that they tried!

[pappyld04]

Appreciate the response. Yes I think the only thing here is to put my ego a-side and just take it slow and have some attention to detail when it comes to pleasing my wife sexually. I think she is a very proud person but at the same time dealing with a lot of PTSD. It will probably take her years, where it took me only a few months to get comfortable in the relationship. I know her Mom's side of the family are on some form of SSRI treatment. It seems to do them good although I think it probably took a few trials and also a little medicinal cannabis on the side from what I have observed. My wife has mentioned a few times that she wished she had some 'not give a fuck' pills. But so far she appears to be making it through everything ok with out them. I have been able to help her medically reach some treatment with her allergies. I'm not too sure about serotonin reuptake inhibitors. They work for some, perhaps more like placebo than anything. I think the real cure to PTSD and a hard life is finding something to keep yourself busy with and having a job you like. I knew a war vet for instance who would work tons and tons of over time, sometimes even with out being the clock, just to keep his mind off things. Perhaps the truth is there is no real way of finding a cure, just days that go by and ones ability not to fuck up too bad during the day. So what ever works, works. Although that is a pretty vague way of looking at it, me for one I think I need a little more security. Too bad they're aren't any good 'i dont give a fuck pills'. I guess just 'being there' for her and swallowing most of my frustrations, pride and misconceptions will be the best. But its damn hard. I can't say I've not said to my self what Howard said 'RUN LIKE HELL'. But that would just be the shittiest thing ever. And I am pretty much done running. What's that Dennis Hopper movie with Don Johnson's character (I think it was Hot Spot) where he says at the end something like a man needs to know his level and just live it? I think that pretty much sums up what it feels like to be faced with problems and seeing them through. Good luck on your side too Pappy

At least I'm in a position that doesn't destroy everything around me. It is difficult to imagine what would happen if I had no income to carry me through. At least my houses and cars are all paid for. That only leaves 3 bills a month to pay. Check the Jokes & Stories area. I sent you a pill that may help you!!!

[Tyger]

I also forgot to add that, when it comes to sexual preferences, likes, and desires, you should ALWAYS talk with your lover about it. "Figuring it out" all on your own usually isn't successful. You should always talk it over with your lover. And, not to sound insulting, but, men usually don't do well with hints, guesses, or luck, when it comes to that, asking a direct question makes sure that everyone is heard and understood.

I think everyone wants to have a "Not give a fuck" pill. That just makes you not care, temporarily. Dealing with the issues is the best way to try and put it behind them, for the most part. I know it's probably a joke, but, reality is soooo much more better than the fog drugs put you in. On the same note, if she's experiencing depression, anxiety, or stress, a doctor may want to prescribe her some meds to help her balance a bit more. Ok, enough "motherly" advise!