Girlfriend Never Talks And No Orgasm

[telecom69]

My 44 yr old girlfriend has never had an orgasm. I bought her a vibrator to help her explore herself in private. She says she gets close when masturbating, but then loses all feeling and her clitoris is to sensitive to continue and she loses the moodm thus stops. This same thing happens when I do oral on her. She also will during sex NEVER talk to me about what feels good for her and this is becoming very frustrating for me, and her. She says she feels embarrased and its hard to tell me what feels good. She was married for 22 yrs and is VERY inexperienced with sex, though I am showing her more. She said she has done more with me in five months than she did in 22 yrs of marriage or with three other partners she had before me. This has been going on for over five months. I love her dearly and want her to experience these things, and will continue to be patient. She just never really seems relaxed. She grew up that good girls don't do this stuff and seems to have some mental issues preventing her from going over the edge. She compares herself to other women\friends who experience orgasms and she see herself as a failure. I assure her she is not a failure. We've tried relaxing baths with candles, then massages and then into sex very slowly. Nothing seems to really get her going. She assures me I turn her on, but she doesn't know why she feels like this. I've even offered to pay for a sex therapist for her with no luck yet. Any positive comments are appreciated.

[sexysandra]

Hi telecomb,

I am 36 and just recently learned to orgasm with a vibrator. Some people here gave me good advice. The best was to RELAX!!! It takes some practice.

I too grew up with a pretty puritanical upbringing so I know what your girlfriend is dealig with. I was however quiet rebellious, and found sex to be my main indulgance as for as "sinning" goes. I have always enjoyed sex immensly, just oculdn't orgasm. I do have to admit though that I think my upbringing did effect me as for as the guilt and not being able to orgasm.

Does your girlfriend want to expand your sex lives or is she happy with it the way it is? I would suggest taking it slow with her. Make it fun by keeping things light, laugh and joke a little to help her relax. Don't pressure her too much. Talk to her during sex but don't go overboard. Tell her things like, you are so soft and I love the way you feel, you drive me crazy. Tell her something that you would like her to do to you (once again, mild). She'll love it and eventually she may loosen up enough to return the favor.

She may also be concerned about pleasing you given the difference in your experience levels. Let her know how much you enjoy sex with her and compliment her body and any effort that she makes to try something new or please you.

Good Luck, it will take some time to bring the wild woman out of her....

sexy....

[telecom69]

Hi sexysandy,

Wow, you hit most of it right on the head (no pun intended) with your feedback. She has told me that she concentrates on giving me pleasure during sex and she does't focus on herself at all. I've told her that if she focuses more on herself that it will give me plenty of pleasure to see her getting excited. I have told her all those things and more without being to graphic. I love you, you feel so good, you turn me on so much, your body is beautiful. I say them because I mean them and that is how I really feel, just not some BS. I have used the "P" word a couple of times and I don't think it bothered her. We've tried masturbating each other a couple of times and that was a fantastic experience! I'm never sure how she is going to accept it when I try something new with her. I can always orgasm (what guy can't), but I want her to have the pleasure to. Its not because of some macho thing, I just want her to experience those wonderful feelings we all want.

Our sexual experience differences does bother her. She asked me one time how sex was with my ex, and I told her very good. In hindsight that was the wrong thing to say and now I think she thinks she has to compare herself to that. I know she is deeply in love with me (and me her), and I sometimes get the feeling that the emotional side of the relationship is fine with her, but I know she would like to open up more in bed. God, I can just imagine. I feel like a 17 yr old kid even though I'm 46. I model clothes sometimes, and she isn't what you consider the best looking women in most guys eyes, but to me she IS. She often wonders why I'm with her and her self esteem is low. I had a wonderful connection with her and fell in love with her. That is why I'm with her. In my eyes she is beautiful physically and emotionally. Shes told me many time she has never been loved like this, and always felt her husband just used her for a sexual outlet. She hated sex and felt like it was her wifely duty to keep the peace. No women should have to go thru that. I know many women need the emotional connection to enjoy sex more, and we certainly have that. I KNOW there is this sexy wonderful women inside of her and we both would love to experience it.

[sexysandra]

Telecom:

I'm getting a clearer picture..... First of all, try to take your focus away from her orgasm right now. She is not going to be able to do that until she can really relax. She doesn't need the added pressure. also, I'm sure some women here would disagree with me but: I have had great sex for a vry long time without having orgasms. IT's probably more of an issue for you than her.

AS for as her self esteem, this probably is a big problem. I can tell you that I am considered attractive by most men and I usually turn heads. But, when the clothes start coming off, I get self conscious!! Women in our society are made to believe that we are supposed to look perfect!! The models and actresses are georgous, they have cosmetic surgery and teams of make-up artist, hairdressers, and personal trainers keeping them in tip top shape. They are plastered all over the magazines, billboards, TV, , movie screns, etc. This is what we see all day and you guys too!!! Of course we dont' measure up and we are aware of that.

Find something specific about her appearance that you really like and tell her about it. That wil be better than a blanket "you look great" or "you are pretty or sexy" or whatever. Find something about your body or appearance that is flawed and point it out to her. Laugh about it and make a joke about it.

She sounds like she is pretty open to trying new things. mutual masturbation is a good first step. Try tackling her one day and having a romp on the floor while laughing and tickling. Having "fun" sex will take the pressure and seriousness out of it and help her to relax with you.

I think you should jsut work on her feeling better about herself and relaxing before you worry about her learning to orgasm. That will come with time.

You seem like a great guy and I know that everything will work out. Your patience and caring attiitude will prevail!!

Good luck! Sexy....

[hot-pants-kate]

Telecom69, i can't tell you what will solve the problem, but i will tell you what i do when i make love with a woman.

I date women ocasionly in additionto guys if there is a mutual attraction. When i have made love with them i seem to spend far far more time holding and kissing in forplay, mostly holding, at least ten times longer that with a guy. This brings us both to the right mood for wonderful sex.

Guys are ready to do the deed in a heartbeat. Women must low cook first.

Good luck, Love, Kate.

[telecom69]

Thanks for all the words of wisdom and input. My main concern isn't so much that she isn't having orgasms. I think that will come with time. As sexysandra stated, I think this is probably more my issue than hers for now. The concern is she says absolutely NOTHING during sex. And I mean nothing! I'll ask her when doing oral is she likes it this way, slower, faster, etc. with no feedback at all. She says she just can't bring herself to talk to me in that she might say something stupid. So, I have to judge her pleasure by how she is physically reacting. She will start breathing faster and moving her hips up and down when doing oral on her. Sometimes I may hear a very quiet "Oh God", but thats about it. Sometimes I think she has actually had an slight orgasm,but isn't sure what she is supposed to feel. Her breathing gets very rapid, and her legs and buttocks will tighten up before she tells me to quit. She tells me to stop since her clitoris is to sensitive and that the mood is gone.

How can I get her to give me feedback? I've never been with a women like this, but this is the one I've ever loved the most and feel the closet to. She has said sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship, and I agree with that. But, I know that bringing another level of sexual pleasure for her would do wonders for both if us.

[sexysandra]

telecom,

She is 44, she's been having sex that way for a lot of years. Give her time. Your patience and love will make the difference.

Hang in there, you are doing a great job and it will all pay off...

sexy

[telecom69]

I didn't think about it like that with the fact that she has been having sex like that for years and it will be hard to overcome. Very good point. I don't mind being patient, as she is worth waiting for.

She had a bad cold and stayed home yesterday. I surprised her and showed up unannounced at her apt with homemade chicken soup, a small piece of apple pie, and a flower. I was surprised at how good something so simple like that made her feel, and she let me know it. She was all over me and it said she can't wait until she feels better. Doing that for her seemed like an aphrodisiac. Is stuff like that really a big deal for women?

If a women has a low libido\sexdrive and is happy with the emotional side of the relationship, I guess that is normal to?

She has said just to give her time to change old feelings and the way she was brought up. They say patience is a virtue.

[sexysandra]

Yes, very big deal!! You are catching on. That's the kind of thing that melts us and then we are putty in your hands (just want you want).

You are doing great!!!

sexy

[telecom69]

Well, I must say this weekend I saw some changes in my girlfriend. Now that she really understands and believes how much I love her, this seems to have opened her up more. We were taking a nice bath with candles and having a drink. Things get heated up, and well, the bath tub doesn't have much room. We get out of the bath with me taking her hand and leading her. She thinks I'm leading her to her room. Instead, I put her up on the bathroom counter with candlelight around us, with me standing in front of her and we proceed to do it right there with her legs over my shoulders. God, was I excited. She was even giving me some feedback while I had two fingers in her to massage her G-spot. She has NEVER done that before. She is pretty conservative and I've been taking things slowy, but I just did this to see what she would do. She loved doing it on the bathroom counter and it was very hot. Her response did surprise me. So, today while in the car in a large store parking lot, I put her hand on my crotch (never done this before) since I had wood from thinking of last night. She loved that to and said it got her excited. If it wasn't for the 100 degree day, I think she would have done it in the car to. I finally understand the emotional connection between a woman, trust, and sex. She is telling me its starting to get easier for her to give feedback since she trusts me now and knows I'm committed. Comments?

[sexysandra]

there's no turning back now!!! You are on your way.

I LOVE countertops! very sexy, great job. Pretty soon she'll be a wild woman. keep us posted...

sexy