Kids Talk...

[sailorzelda]

So I may sound crazy, here, but here goes.

My boyfriend is still technically married to another woman, but the two of them are in the process of getting a divorce--it's been a long time coming and everyone in our social group can see it's time. Not that anyone knows about him and me, yet, though, because we have been keeping it very much on the down low. I don't want to cause problems for him and he doesn't want to make me seem like "the other woman" for everyone to get mad at.

I know this probably sounds like a very stupid situation to a lot of people reading this. He approached me, and he doesn't just want an affair; he's actually already somewhat committed to me even though he has to finish this process with his almost-ex wife. And the crazy part is that even though all this is going on, I know I want to be with him, in a serious relationship, and I'm willing to wait for him.

However, something has been coming up the past several weeks, and that's the issue of kids. Even before we were really seriously thinking about an "us," there was talk of kids; everyone knows that I want them--obviously not now, but maybe YEARS down the line. But recently, he seems to have decided that he doesn't want them.

Personally, I think the reason he's suddenly freaking out about this, which is something that shouldn't even come up for years, is that he's already so worried about everything else, with the divorce and money and all, that he doesn't want to even think about that responsibility right now.

I'm very lost as to what to do. We have such a good way of communicating, and we really do have perfect chemistry, and I don't want to throw this possible relationship away because of something that probably won't be an issue down the line, even though he's got so many issues to worry about right now.

I honestly just need some advise. I've been talking to my friends and they've been very helpful, but what do you guys think?

[thurisas]

Just a few questions that I think really need to be answered here first.

1. Is he actually in divorce proceedings or is he just saying that he'll be getting a divorce, or that a divorce is on the way?

2. Does he already have kids by his first marriage?

3. Is he significantly older than you?

Ultimately if you're going to be in a relationship with this person then you're going to have to sit down with him and talk this one out. If he is truly adamant about not having children is that something you are willing to give up? You need to find out exactly where he stands on this and the reasons why. Without the why you can't make a truly informed decision on whether or not to take the next step to have a real relationship with this person.

Thurisas.

[Tyger]

If divorce proceedings are in the works, as in he's filed papers to start the process, that's a good step. However, please be warned, that men and women going thru a divorce are use to being in a relationship. It's a comfort zone. No matter how long the marriage was, usually there was a relatively long courtship too (unless your Britney Spears' first husband LMAO). So, there's that comfort zone of being with someone, being use to that someone, and therefore, that person feels "safe". It's called a Rebound Relationship.

I am not saying that he doesn't have feelings for you, because he may. I'm not there, and can't see it, so I'm just going by experience with others, and my own, personal experience getting a divorce.

It's understandable that he keep the relationship on the DL for now. However, if y'all are still in a relationship when he divorces, he should introduce you to his friends and family soon. Not like he should announce that y'all have been seeing each other for quite a while, since that could also dig up the "other woman" feelings in some people, when, according to you, it's not true.

What I personally found liberating, is dating for well over a year after my divorce, before I got into any kind of serious relationship whatsoever. I was able to have fun, see what was out there, and know what I wanted in a mate.

As for kids, also depending on how old he is, and whether or not he has kids already, some people change their minds as they get older. I never thought I'd find someone I deemed responsible enough to have a child with. I am now the proud mother of an almost 5 yr old girl. I was 27 when I met her father, and, even up to that point, I still didn't know if I even WANTED a child. We had our daughter when I was 29. I knew that before then, I was too selfish with my time, and didn't want that kind of responsibilty at that time. Obviously, I changed my mind. He may do the same, especially if you stay together for a long time, and talk about it here and there. You don't want to keep bringing it up all the time, since he may be thinking that all you want him for his for his sperm.

He needs some time to seperate himself from his soon-to-be ex wife, get use to the idea of courting again, and go from there. When you get divorced, you feel a sort of freedom from a lot of responsibility, and just want to have fun, not really taking a lot of seriousness in the future, like kids, another marriage, and so on. As relationships progress, that's when talks of the future really mean something. But, in all fairness, you can't expect him to talk about a future with you, while he's still, at least legally, bound to another woman. When people become closer, that's really when the talk of kids should come up. All this takes time, which, if you truly care for him, you need to figure out if you want to invest with him. Anyone can father a child, but do you want a sperm donor, or do you want a man that will also be a Daddy? If it's the latter, then give him time to get all this other stuff taken care of, and have some fun.

Of course, you also need to keep in mind, that if he's older, and/or has children, he may not want to have anymore/at all. He has that right too.

Give him some time to grow as a person, find himself as a single guy, get his life together, and allow him to have some fun with you. You're only 20. You shouldn't be worrying about kids right now anyway. I wouldn't stress about it, and if he starts too, tell him it's something best discussed in the future, when things calm down more for him.

Best wishes.