New Here!

[MILF2006]

I'm new here, (my husband actually is looking at toys on this site right now!) and in need of some advice. I'm kind of timid when it comes to publicly speaking of my sex life, but I've got to do something. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and have 2 kids. We've been through a lot in the past 2 years, including loosing our oldest son. (He was 7 1/2 months old when he died.)

I won't go into detail, but our sex life sucks. It used to be amazing, but along came marriage and stress, and suddenly I have NO interest in sex anymore. Well, sometimes I do, but mostly I'm too tired to even think about it. He's amazing in bed, and we have great chemistry, but I can't seem to get over this mental block, and really have an earth shattering orgasm. I read about women having multiple orgasms, and I WANT THAT. How can I get over this mental crap and really get down to business!!??

Ironic thing, is I am constantly having what I guess I would call the equivalent of the "female wet dream" and during those dreams, the orgasms are GREAT. We use toys, and all kinds of fun stuff, and are contemplating a threesome.

HELP!

[Kinky Twinkie]

I'm new here, (my husband actually is looking at toys on this site right now!) and in need of some advice. I'm kind of timid when it comes to publicly speaking of my sex life, but I've got to do something. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and have 2 kids. We've been through a lot in the past 2 years, including loosing our oldest son. (He was 7 1/2 months old when he died.)

I won't go into detail, but our sex life sucks. It used to be amazing, but along came marriage and stress, and suddenly I have NO interest in sex anymore. Well, sometimes I do, but mostly I'm too tired to even think about it. He's amazing in bed, and we have great chemistry, but I can't seem to get over this mental block, and really have an earth shattering orgasm. I read about women having multiple orgasms, and I WANT THAT. How can I get over this mental crap and really get down to business!!??

Ironic thing, is I am constantly having what I guess I would call the equivalent of the "female wet dream" and during those dreams, the orgasms are GREAT. We use toys, and all kinds of fun stuff, and are contemplating a threesome.

HELP!

I would recommend the threesome part be part of fantasy and not be played out in real life. It will kill a marrage, for some maybe not but for most it will put a relationship on the rocks. Lots of things you can do instead to make the sex life sizzle, incorporating toys is one but stay away from anything that is dangerous to the relationship. with threesomes you play a game of roulette in my opinion, if you was single and unattached I would say fine try it. But you have had enough trauma in your life at this point so opening the door to possible more is not recommended.

Your at the right place, we can help you with masturbation, anal, oral, bondage, role playing, spanking, etc

The first thing is expressing your interests to your husband, and asking him to help you. You help him also. explore the world of sexuality for yourselves and with each other. Then discuss your conerns and things you not comfortable with. It best to do these things I think when your not horny because you want to think with your head and I mean that one that is north

Glenn

[ToyQueen]

Linz,

First of all, wecome to the forum. This is a wonderful place to ask all kinds of questions, and learn new things.

Second, I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. That is one of the hardest things I think a mother can go through.

You have been through so much in a relatively short time. Just a couple of thoughts for you.

Are you worried about getting pregnant again? That can mess up your sex drive. Also, you didn't say how old your other child is, but hormones could be part of the lack of sex drive. And, for those of us who have been there, "Mommy brain" is a very real phenomenon that can kill your sex drive. It is hard to shut off all the responsibilities of being a mom and taking care of the house, work, and whatever else is going on, and be a sexual person.

Have you talked to a counselor since the death of your son? That could help.

Good luck. Please keep us posted.

[Mikayla1]

Welcome!

Sweetie, I think the biggest issue you have is one that is not going to change any time soon. Loosing a child is THE most unnatural thing that can happen to a person. Especially an infant - cause they are just starting their little life. I am MOST sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, you are not only suffering from that loss, but your brain is telling you (subconsciously) that you have no right to pleasure when you should be in mourning. Then, when you are sleeping, your body is trying to relax those standards - hence, the wet dreams.

This is a very complicated situtation, and I echo the sentiments that a counselor may help. Grief counseling is so important and so is marital counseling when things like this happen. I also echo Glenn in that the threesome idea should definitely take a bench until you deal witht he rest of the issues. Unfortunately, that will most likely hurt your marriage, not help it.

I think that you should try to connect intimately with your hubby - it is important to continue to do so. See what you are doing as loving and intimate. Try to rationalize that this has nothing to do with your grief over your son, and see the sex as a comfort for each other. THen, outside of the bedroom, try to deal with the tragedy the best you can.

Have 2 kids in 2 years is also traumatic. I agree that the fear of pregnancy might be playing out here. Decide mutually if you and your hubby are done with children - that will also help.

Good luck!

[Tyger]

Let me also welcome you to the board, and offer my deepest and most sincere condolences on the lost of your child.

I have to agree with Mikayla with your issues. Loosing a child, and having kids, getting married, and all the other life stuff that happens, especially in only 2 years, is a lot for your mind to handle! It sounds like your body is allowing you to get release in your sleep, but your awake consciousness says no, you've been thru a lot, and refuses to allow you to have your orgasm.

There are several stages of grief, and if you haven't gone thru them, and just kept functioning, your mind will continue to keep up the blocks. If you haven't, I would suggest (highly) that you go to grief counselling, and allow you and your spouse to fully go thru the motions and also to help keep your life a bit more sane. Your mind is the biggest sex organ of the body, and if all is not well with that, then the sex life will also suffer.

Of course, you have the right to life, and to continue on, but you also have a right to your feelings, thoughts, happiness, and grief. Toys are a great enhancement in the bedroom, but, unless you're emotionally/mentally ready to do so, they won't guarantee an orgasm.

Best wishes to you and your family.

[Mike_d]

I want to offer my sincere condolences also on your loss. I have to echo my fellow posters here, you should really keep the 3some to a fantasy while you have so much going on. A councilor might be the right way to go. As for learning to be sexual again, it takes some time to get out of mommy mode and in to the sexy lady attitude. I would suggest you take some me time after the day is done and before bed. Every night. Put your child to bed and tell your hubby, I need to take some time for me, can you watch the baby while I go relax? Run a bath or take a shower, Relax and focus on yourself. I promise when you spend some time thinking about your needs and letting go of all the turmoil of the day, you will be amazed at the return of your libido. I am not urging you to rush past your feelings or bury your grief, please talk it through with your husband and if needed a therapist. I encourage every mother to do something like this though, take some time and put the day away and focus on you again. You have to learn that you are still a sexual person and find that balance again. Keep us informed! Glad you are with us!

[pappyld04]

Since everyone else has covered the bases for you I just thought I'd welcome you to the board. The hardest thing to do is admit you are having a problem then find the help you need. You are at a great forum here and will find a lot of good ideas and opinions here. I must agree that a 3-some would do more harm than good in your case. You need to work on the two of you before ever considering adding another to the mix. And as stated by others here very few relationships will weather the storm of 3-somes. Our condolences to you and your husband on the loss of your child. It may get difficult but it is repairable. Keep on working at it!!!

[Amylynn920]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a child, my firstborn, and it took a very long time to come out of the darkest time of myy life.

I agree with the counseling, and to continue the intimacy between the two of you. I don't see where a third person will fix anything. Fantasy is a wonderful thing, when kept as fantasy. Your relationship has undergone alot in the past two years.

I have "wet dreams" too, and I think it's normal. Multiples don't come easy for me, and it has nothing to do with my partner. It's me. Just be close with him and work through these past two years.

[mommybaby295]

Well, I don't have any additional words of wisdom, but I can give you suppot: our issue isn't the same, but the results were similar. We went through infertility treatments for several years (including a miscarriage), and it killed our sex life. We actually went over a year without any sex, and we didn't do it to conceive our kids, either.

We've been working at "fixing us" too. It's been slow since I am more interested in making an effort than he is, but this site has done wonders for me.

I wish you the most luck, and my deepest condolences for the loss of your child. May the new year bring you blessings.

[me4now]

hello here my heart goes out to you and your husband on the lost of you baby.

I would like to say i agree with the other posts that you should wait for the Threesome and why? I have a very close friend who lost her baby last year and they never mourn there lost and thought that doing other things would take there mindes off there loss and it did for a while he started working longer hours she started traveling more with friends and never time for each other so she decided that she wanted to bring another woman into the marriage and that was Hell that cause all hurt. When the other woman came up pregnant they were not sure if it was my freinds husband child or someelses because the husband was sleeping with her without his wife and she was spending time with some guy at her job. again neither one of them mourn their daughters death and during all this it finally hit them that this woamn is preganant her husband was not ready for another child and she was devasted that this woman and her husband could possibly be having a child together. After all was said and done it turn out he wasnt the father but they had hurt each so much now a year has pass and there trying to find their way back to each with counseling he just moved back home they have been dealing with their baby death and things are looking very good for them. I am not saying this will happen to you, but take it slow enjoy your husand get yourself together before anything else take the advice from here at tootimid so you wont have any regrets later please keep us updated and again deal with you loss grow closer with your husband just the two of you.

[funeladie]

Hey I'm a newbie too,

I have lost a baby also...so i know the after effects.

Just sending some love to both of you and the advise on the board is great.